Keeping Children Safe

If you’ve had the chance to visit a maternity ward in the last decade or so you noticed a new sign reminding people not to have conjugal relations in the prep room where the woman is being monitored to see when she will be ready to give birth. The reason these signs exist is because it had become a problem. “Aww, honey, your contractions are still five minutes apart, let’s slip one more in for old times sake.” Who said romance was dead? What I’m saying is that some rules are necessary, even if they are painfully obvious to others. They are put in place not by overly officious poltroons but by people who realize that there are those who walk among us who might not be as socially adept as the rest.

That being said, there are rules that seem to be the famous solutions in search of a problem. Like the Voter ID laws or cell phone banking. The former could disenfranchise 20,000,000 or more people to solve the horrible problem of the 10 people who have tried, and failed, to commit voter fraud this century. As to the latter, who really needs to pay a bill that fast? As it has turned out, almost no one.

Although, to be fair, Thomas Edison invented the phonograph so dying people could easily record their will. He saw no other uses for the device. So, maybe these other ideas will find uses just as his did.

But …..

These next set of rules just baffle. IN an effort to keep our children safe governments around the country are drafting, and passing, reams of legislation that will have the desired effect. If the desired effect is to turn all children into self absorbed sociopaths with severe self esteem issues. TruTV has released the 14 dumbest laws out there right now.

No Hugs
Plain ol’ hugging is “inappropriate” according to school officials in New Jersey, who have banned the evil practice. Students need to be “focused on academics” (because hugging takes a lot of time, apparently.) Other schools have instituted “no hugging” policies, with punishments that include suspension.

Hand-Holding Is Too Sexy
For teens, hand-holding is just one step away from having sex. That is, according to Tennessee’s abstinence-based sexual education program, which includes warnings about “gateway sexual activity,” a.k.a. hand-holding. The legislation also prohibits teachers from demonstrating any “gateway sexual activity.” So, to recap: hand-holding can lead to sex, students must be warned that hand-holding can lead to sex, but teachers cannot demonstrate how hand-holding. Got that?

No More Bike Rides
For one school district in the South Bay Union School district of San Diego County, safety concerns outweigh any potential health benefits of bicycling; students are not permitted to ride bikes to school.

Banned Home Cooking
One Chicago school has banned all packed lunches from home, stating that school lunches are more nutritious and better quality. That not only gives the school unprecedented power over children’s nutrition, it also lines the pockets of the district caterer who now has a fixed and captive market.

Baggy Pants
If your pants are kinda baggy, they might violate a new school dress code in Chicago. If the school isn’t able to enforce the dress code, some city council members even want to instate citywide ordinance to control the pant problem.

The End Of Bake Sales
Massachusetts has been working to combat childhood obesity, removing vending machines from school hallways and potato chips from the lunch line. But banning bake sales? Currently, the state law prohibits junk food on school grounds during the day, but some are pushing to make the ban a 24/7 operation, which would prevent school groups from raising money (to fund healthy sports teams) by selling baked goods.

Spying On Lunchboxes
At preschools in North Carolina, children are required to have a balanced lunch consisting of one serving each of meat, dairy, and grain, plus two servings of fruits or vegetables. This regulation covers cafeteria lunches as well as those brought from home. In order to enforce this regulation, government employees actual travel to preschool and daycare centers to examine kids’ lunch boxes and force parents to pay to supplement their child’s “unhealthy” lunch.

Tight Or “Revealing” Clothes
In case baggy pants aren’t your thing, be careful that your pants are not too tight either. A school in Ohio banned yoga pants for being too revealing. In addition to tight skirts or low-cut tops — if comfy cotton pants are too tight, they might also be distracting. Students that wore the pants anyway in protest received in-school suspensions.

Dreads And Cornrows
Hampton University’s Business School and its high-ranking MBA program don’t permit cornrows and dreadlocks in class. The school claims they are preparing students for corporate life. When confronted with accusations of racism, the dean of the business school retorted: “When was it that cornrows and dreadlocks were a part of African American history?” Guess he hasn’t heard of Bob Marley.

Recess Is Over
Remember those days of carefree running around the playground playing tag? Those days are over for schools in several states: tag might cause injuries — or worse, hurt feelings. One school allows kickball to be played, but only if the score is not kept. At least they get to play with balls: after a Toronto, Ontario parent was hit in the head with a soccer ball and suffered a concussion, the local school board banned the use of all hard balls on the playground.

Applying Sunscreen
If you do not have a doctor’s note, you cannot apply sunscreen at schools in New York and other states. A doctor’s note and a signed parental permission slip are required to apply sunscreen, since it is considered a medication by the FDA. Cough drops, Vaseline, Chapstick, and antibiotic ointment… all require sign-offs. However, after two girls were hospitalized for severe burns because the school refused to let them wear sunscreen, it seemed like the policy would be repealed.

No Boobies
Raising money for Breast Cancer is a noble cause, but not if the fundraiser includes a bracelet that says “I (heart) boobies!” In one Pennsylvania school district, students were told of this policy, which they claim violates their freedom of speech rights. District officials say that the word “boobies” is vulgar.

Got Milk?
The U.S. Department of Agriculture is currently entertaining a proposal to ban milk in school. According to the proposal by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, milk is “high in sugar, high in fat and high in animal protein that is harmful to, rather than protective of, bone health.” They say instead that kids should just eat broccoli, tofu, or collard greens. So refreshing.

So this will be the result; your unloved, fashionalbly dressed, conservatively coiffed, future serial killer who has no clue how to show or receive afeection, will be set loose on the world as a shining example of what regulations have wrought.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, besides everything?

Do you remember the “don’t keep score” mania? It was so children would be spared the pain of losing. It also prevented them from knowing the joys of winning or a job well done. An entire generation for whom accomplishment was anathema. I worked for companies that were forced to hire those mutant spawn. It usually took about three months, on average, to beat that crap out of them and teach them to succeed.

Not how to be the next Trump, just how to set a goal, achieve it and move on.

No, I am not kidding. They had no clue.

On the plus side, none of them insisted on speaking French, which is a side effect of sociopathic behavior.

Or so I’ve heard.

Sociopathe – Marre (2011) from Wesh Conexion

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.