Florida + Animals = ?????

ooop, oop, I’m a sexy monkey
I have written on a few occasions about how it took Florida four tries to pass a law outlawing bestiality. We all had a good laugh at the time when they outlawed all sex between mammals until they found out that humans are mammals too. But, eventually, they got it right and it is now illegal in Florida to frolic with a filly in a flirtatious manner. Naturally, becasue this is Florida we’re talking about, someone is upset at the government’s intrusion into their private life. It should be noted that said “private life” was witnessed by several people who called the cops. And the man who owned the farm had no qualms about firing this person for enjoying his “private life” with the company’s critters. So, there is hope for Florida. Yet, somehow, Floridians seem unable to grasp some basic concepts. Earlier this week a dude died in a parking lot after eating hundreds of live cockroaches and worms. Why did he do that? To win an expensive snake, which he couldn’t afford otherwise. So it would probably end up in the swamps with the other snakes which are multiplying at a rate that makes me think that Florida is ground zero for Armageddon.

But one animal law that Florida has had on the books for decades finally got put to the test. While you may have been allowed to do the horizontal mambo with a moo moo, you have never been allowed to ride a matinee.

Kids, have your parents explain the word “priorities” to you. It will be fun.

A woman who police said was seen touching and riding a manatee in Fort De Soto Park in Pinellas, Fla., over the weekend turned herself in to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office, Tampa Bay Times reported.

Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez, 52, told police Tuesday that she wasn’t aware what she did was against the law, the report said.

Witnesses gave authorities her description and photos of her riding the sea cow, which is a second-degree misdemeanor. She was seen riding the manatee at 1 p.m. Sunday in the water north of Gulf Pier, authorities said.

Gutierrez was not arrested or charged, but the charges were referred to the state attorney’s office, according to the Times.

The Florida Manatee Sanctuary Acts states that: “It is unlawful for any person at any time, by any means, or in any manner intentionally or negligently to annoy, molest, harass, or disturb or attempt to molest, harass, or disturb any manatee.”

Authorities say the penalty for the woman could be up to 60 days in jail and a possible fine of $500.

Authorities don’t believe any manatees were injured.

“It’s a wild animal. It’s not something to be ridden,” Susan Butler, a manatee expert with the U.S. Geological Survey in Gainesville, told the Times. “I can’t say that as a biologist I would ever, ever condone that, or say that (the manatee) wanted them to do that.”

Here’s where we find out about statutes of limitations and extradition laws. When I was a kid I would visit relatives in Florida and we rode manatees all the time. They’re friendly and, as long as you don’t startle them, reasonably safe to be around. Also, they tend to live in and around harbors so they are pretty used to people.

Not that I want to advoacte anyone trying for a Humanatee hybrid, but swimming around them seems fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the law. It was designed to keep yahoos from harming these gentle beasts. People used to deliberately hit them with their boats and leave horrible gashes on their flesh which would, sometimes, kill them.

The manatees, not the yahoos. Sadly.

Anyway, the law, like most laws in Florida, is poorly written and erratically enforced. I doubt that anything will happen to the fun loving lady.

But up in the land of super strip clubs and pawn shops, they have a different problem with an animal whose name starts with “m.”

That’s right, the Mysterious Monkey of Mongo Mongo (actually, Tampa Bay) has decided to attack the local residents.

Well, one of them anyway.

A woman who fended off an attack by a celebrity simian known as the ‘Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay’ was recovering from her injuries on Wednesday as authorities searched for the wild animal, Florida wildlife officials said.

The woman, who said she didn’t want her name to be released, was reportedly sitting on her front porch on Monday when the monkey jumped on her back and began scratching and gnawing on her skin. She reached behind, grabbed the monkey’s leg and tossed him in to the bushes before he ran off, Gary Morse, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission told the Tampa Bay Times.

“She could hear the clicking of teeth,” the woman’s daughter told the newspaper, who said she was inside cooking when she heard her mother scream.

The woman suffered several puncture wounds and scratches and was taken to the hospital, where doctors gave her shots to prevent infections.

The monkey, which has gained notoriety in recent years after numerous sightings throughout the area, is a 40-pound wild rhesus macaque, which officials believe may have been cast out of a colony in Silver Springs near Ocala, Fla.

Officials in the area were attempting to track and trap the monkey Wednesday morning. Morse said they will try to trap the monkey alive, but given the attack it’s possible that trappers will have to kill it, he said.

Residents say the monkey has never been aggressive until now, the Times reported.

Officials said in the past year, the monkey has settled quietly into the area where residents have given him food despite warnings from authorities about coming into contact with the animal.

“The public was warned about the dangers of feeding this animal,” Morse told the Times. “It is a shame that it has come to this. Human kindness and food cannot overcome millions of years of genetic evolution.”

The monkey has become something of a celebrity, the Tampa Bay Times reported. A Facebook page for the mystery monkey has been featured on Comedy Central’s “Colbert Report” and in a National Geographic special.

Officials are asking anyone who sees the monkey to stay away and call police immediately.

Forget the monkey, here’s where I call BULL***T.

  • (1) Monkeys, pound for pound, are four times stronger than humans. If it has you in its grasp you aren’t just going to grab the monkey’s leg and toss it in the bushes.
  • (2) monkeys that are used to humans only attack for four reasons
  • (a) They are provoked
    (b) they are insane (this does happen often enough to make it a concern)
    (c) If they are teased with strong smells or shiny objects
    (d) If they see food

None of the above seem to apply to her story. Just a sittin’ & a grinnin’ won’t set a monkey off. If this woman was really attacked by a monkey she wouldn’t have minor scratches, she’d be hooked up to tubes while doctors grew her new skin.

What probably happened was she was a sittin’ & a grinnin’ on her porch a=waving some food at the poor little dude and he got tangled up. He would be easy to disengage then since he would want off just as much as she wanted him off.

Of course, I’m looking for logic and facts in Florida.

That monkey’s doomed.

WeWereMonkeys: Land of Talk – It’s Okay from WeWereMonkeys on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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