Fun With Dead Cats!

It’s been a rough week. By the time you read this the Obama / Romney debates will have happened, 13 more parodies of Gangam Style will have ben released and one, at least, will feature someone naked claiming to be an artist in their own right. Don’t let them confuse you. They will be wrong. Your email will have been filled, yet again, with emails loudly proclaiming that President Obama is a Muslim terrorist (with one or more words spelled wrong) or that Governor Romney is a robotic unicorn (with one or more words spelled wrong). Of course sane people know that neither is true and that world peace will come from Muslim unicorns and Armageddon will come via robot terrorists. The Internet confuses people. And, just as Aristophanes once famously said, “It must be true if you read t on the Internet” there are websites devoted to making you think you’re right. He just neglected to include the sarcasm smiley so people would know he was kidding. Such a kidder that Aristophanes.

Anyway, you’ve been through a lot. It’s my job, from time to time, to lighten your mood. So I did some research to find out what people really want out of the greatest source of raw data ever conceived. Is it texts related to religious history? Is it fact finding to see what foods are healthy for their children? Maybe people are looking for alternatives to traditional vacation plans and are searching out international penis festivals. Or were people clamoring for ways to use the word “Bootylicious” when referring to disease spreading flies. Nope. None of that crap. What people want is pictures of cats. And then, once those are exhausted, they want more pictures of cats.

People are shallow and dumb.

But, people read my blog so that means, once in a while, I need to write something they like or will care about. So, today, I give you dead cats.

We start with a kitty named Ni Hao who stowed away on board a Chinese freighter and went without food or water for three weeks.

Here is the law of threes that any doctor can tell you about;

YOU WILL DIE AFTER:
3 minutes without air
3 days without water
3 weeks without food
3 months without sex

Now that you know that, let’s read about the dead cat from China.

A stowaway kitten who survived a three-week ocean voyage from China to California trapped in a storage container without food or water has found a new home.

Los Angeles County animal control officials said Friday that the cat, which has been named Ni Hao (NEE’ how) or “hello” in Chinese, will leave the animal hospital he’s called home since turning up in the U.S. last month to start life next week with a family in the LA suburb of Redondo Beach.

The family has not been further identified, but officials say it was chosen from more than 80 serious candidates who applied to adopt the stowaway.

The now 5-month-old kitten was found July 11.

It couldn’t walk, see, or make any sounds.

An officer said the kitten had shallow breathing and was “curled up in a ball with his eyes shut,” said animal control official Aaron Reyes.

“And he actually appeared deceased,” he added said.

The cat was rushed to a care center where veterinarians say he has thrived.

The only lingering sign of trauma is a limp, which Reyes describes as “his own strut.”

The kitten suffered considerable muscle atrophy on the journey, causing him to walk with a ginger, unusual gait, Reyes said.

Ni Hao is “still a bit wobbly” and “may end up being a special needs kitty for life,” said Reyes, deputy director of the county’s animal control department.

But, Reyes said, “he’s gone from this shriveled up little kitten with shallow breathing and knocking on death’s door to this curious, playful, bouncy, affectionate, patient, little furry kitty.”

Ni Hao created a media buzz while at the center. Dozens of news outlets from all over the globe have visited. At one time, there were so many requests, the shelter set up a media day to handle them all.

County shelter workers have a couple of theories to explain how Ni Hao survived, Reyes said. They think he ate or drank something just before wandering into the container, he said, or “he is so young his resilience is off the charts.”

Do they have to use Mao to Mao resuscitation to save a Chinese cat?

Oh, read a book damnit.

Moving on, not all of our dead cats today are sneaky foreigners attempting to circumvent our sacred borders so they can live off our free, God given, kibble and never pay taxes. No, some are from Ohio. Which is kind of the same but Ohio is the home of Devo and not the bizarre hairless monkey people. Use the links if you’re not sure which is which.

An Ohio woman says the pet cat that sneaked into her luggage for a flight to Florida has returned home safely and seems relatively unaffected by his surprise vacation in Orlando.

Ethel Maze tells The Circleville Herald (http://bit.ly/RmaZfy ) that Bob-Bob the stowaway spent 10 hours in a suitcase before she opened it last week. She says he was lethargic and wet from perspiration, and she initially thought he’d died.

Eventually he perked up, and he spent the week in a crate at Maze’s hotel. He rode in a carrier near Maze’s seat for the return flight.

Somehow the cat had made it through screening at Port Columbus International Airport. The man who handled the bags for Maze’s group told reporters he thought he saw the bag move but loaded it anyway.

The TSA just keeps getting better and better doesn’t it? We might be better off if we were defended by the hairless monkey people,

“Hey Bobby Jo, is it okay if the luggage is squirming?”

“Heck yeah, TJ. Why not? Umm, what’s ‘squirming’ mean?”

But some cats did not need to bypass billions of dollars worth of high tech security to seek the afterlife. No, sometimes all they need is an uptown girl and a Volvo.

A woman says a 6-week-old kitten hitched a ride on the outside of her vehicle as she drove about 100 miles over upstate New York roads.

Stacey Pulsifer tells the Press-Republican of Plattsburgh (http://bit.ly/Q4LJeX ) that she recently drove from her home in Plattsburgh to Elizabethtown in the Adirondacks, then back to her apartment. Along the way she stopped for coffee and heard meowing coming from her Jeep.

She asked two friends to help her search the vehicle. They finally found the kitten wedged behind a bumper and had to cut it free.

Pulsifer has since adopted the hitchhiker and named it Pumpkin. She estimates the lucky black cat was lodged in the car for about 22 hours and traveled some 100 miles. She suffered a broken paw during the ride.

AWWWW.

Okay, so all our dead cats today ended up living. Sorry about that.

But, what if you do have a dead cat? What to do? One U.S. company suggests cat jerky.

Welcome to Kitty Beef, your online Premium Cat Meat Supermarket, where you can order your meat, and have it delivered in vacuum sealed freshness directly to your door. We provide top quality meat and stand by all our products.

For the last 9 years Puppy Beef has been the world’s leading dog meat distributor. We now have 4 free range cat farms supplying the world’s most premium grade cat meat to over 10 countries and bring you KittyBeef. We have established a reputation for having only the highest quality cat meat products and dedicated customer service representatives. Because we only cater to a select group of people, we try to keep a close relationship with all of our customers.

This allows us to help you get the best quality cat meat for your budget, and ship it right to your front door. And after 9 years of business, you can now access our products and services online!

If you”re more of a DIY sort, you can always hop up to How to Cook Cats for some easy to follow recipes.

One of those last two links is meant to be funny. The other is 100% real.

Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs from Julie Jackson on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.