Archives for September 2012

For the record, I am not a fan of Rahm Emanuel’s. While I admit to being a liberal that doesn’t mean that I think that every person who came into contact with President Obama is suddenly imbued with super political powers. Everyone I know who has met the man, Emanuel that is, describes him as a foul mouthed bully. Watching him ram through privatization of the funding for public works, such as our railroads and sewers, a plan which is still missing key details such as who owns the city if the city can’t pay and the way he took after the parking meter contract as though the fact the he didn’t like it (no rational person does) could undo all the signatures on the bottom and make all the money paid just an afterthought, are all the signs of a bully who is used to getting his way. For their part, and I never thought I’d be writing this, the fun loving people at Chicago Parking Meters, LLC have simply, and wisely, taken to laughing at Rahmstein and then suing the city. Legally he has no dog in that fight. He has managed to make the firefighters union, one of the more racist in the country with almost 80% of its members being white, seem cuddly, vulnerable and threatened. The teachers’ strike exists solely because our mayor issued edicts from on high with no way to pay for, or staff, them. Everything that came after is just fallout. Yelling at a curb would have more effect and be far less detrimental to us all.

Keep in mind that he did all of this “for the children.” Yes, considering that he is pouring money into privatizing schools and staffing them with nonunion employees, even though there is no evidence that charter schools fare better than public ones, and considering that many of his campaign contributions come from the very people who profit off this particular quirk, you are allowed to call shenanigans.

You are allowed to call it loudly and often.

Things have gotten so far out of hand that the mayor’s office was forced to release an official statement that the mayor does not like Nickelback despite what one teacher had written on a protest sign. For those unfamiliar with Nickelback I can sum them up with this popular tweet, “If you play a Nickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the devil. Even worse, if you play it forwards you’ll hear Nickelback.”

Now all I have to do is meet someone who actually plays songs backwards. You see, unlike when I was a kid and you could just spin the vinyl backwards to hear that nothing was there, now you need actual audio editing software to do the trick. No one I know has that kind of free time.

But, even with his unending displays of ham-fisted arrogance, the one thing no one has ever accused the mayor of is being stupid.

Until now.

For a lot of legal reasons that actually make sense, Emanuel was forced to tie his school zone cameras into the existing laws governing speed limits in school zones.

So far, so good.

However, as the Chicago Tribune reports, no one at City Hall actually took the five minutes required to actually read the law. The law that will render every ticket written in a school zone invalid.

Ooops.

A quirk in Illinois traffic laws has complicated Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s plan to pepper the city with speed cameras and slowed down bidding on a multimillion-dollar system scheduled to begin issuing $100 tickets by early next year.

The problem: a 38-year-old opinion by the Illinois attorney general that says children must be “visibly present” before school zone speed limits can be enforced.

What that means is those robotic safety-zone cameras must not only capture high-definition images of speeding cars and their license plates, they also must seek out and photograph a child as much as a football field’s distance away — preferably in the same shot.

The legal technicality was not addressed when Emanuel persuaded state lawmakers and Chicago aldermen to quickly give City Hall authority to tag speeders near schools and parks in new safety zones that could cover half the city. The mayor argued that a crisis of pedestrian accidents required a quick response, though a Tribune analysis raised doubts about his claims.

Now the bidding process has revealed the complication, which presents both technological and legal issues.

City officials — who set Monday as the final deadline to collect proposals after more than a month of setbacks — acknowledged that confusion over the issue was a central theme behind many of the more than 200 questions they fielded from potential bidders.

“It was an unusual challenge,” said Scott Kubly, the city’s managing deputy commissioner of transportation. “There was a lot of confusion over those requirements. We will take a look at the proposals to see how they did.”

Kubly said the challenge is to develop a cost-effective machine that can recreate what a police officer can do at a glance. The city did its best to alleviate the bidders’ concerns, he said, but it remains to be seen whether the intricacies of the requirements can be met.

Most executives of speed-camera companies contacted declined to be interviewed on the record for fear of disrupting the bidding process, but some said they have never before been faced with such a requirement.

“It was incredibly challenging,” said C.B. Brechin, the CEO of Brekford Corp., a Maryland-based camera operator that is among nine bidders in Chicago. “We had to come up with completely new technology because of the pedestrian requirement.

“It’s the only one in the nation, and you have a situation where this quirky law is damaging the entire program.”

He said that in almost all the other states where his company has bid, school speeding violations are determined solely by location and school hours.

The general wording in the city’s request for proposals prompted a flood of questions from speed-camera companies, according to written inquiries reviewed by the Tribune.

“It refers to an ‘enforceable image’ with respect to pedestrians, can the city please define what that means?” one vendor asked.

“In what manner does the city expect the respondent to differentiate between pedestrian children and adult pedestrians?” asked another.

The city responded by telling vendors to do their best.

“An enforceable image is one that provides sufficient clarity to identify the speed of the vehicle, the license plate of the vehicle, and an image of the pedestrian that is of high enough resolution to identify the presence of a child pedestrian,” was one city response to written questions.

The city also told vendors the photographs of pedestrians will be reviewed by three people to ensure an “enforceable image” of a child. But Brechin said it doesn’t make sense to add three levels of human review when the goal is an automated system that would minimize personnel costs.

“There could be hundreds of violations on any given day and now you have to have humans reviewing videos for all those violations,” he said. “I don’t know how that isn’t cost-prohibitive.”

A veteran traffic lawyer also raised questions about privacy and legal complications, in addition to the potential costs.

“How do you identify whether it’s a child? How do you shoot simultaneous photographs from every angle?” said Donald Ramsell, a Wheaton-based defense attorney and past chairman of the Illinois State Bar Association’s traffic law and courts section. “What about the privacy issues? They’re going to have a whole host of problems to consider.

“So be it. Maybe they won’t be able to make the millions they thought they would from the populace after all.”

Emanuel argues that the cameras are intended to improve safety for children, while critics argue that opting for speed cameras instead of speed bumps was an Emanuel money grab for a cash-strapped city. To make his case, Emanuel cited the safety effectiveness of the city’s red-light camera program, which since 2003 has raised hundreds of millions of dollars through automated traffic citations.

That program is operated by an Australian company called Redflex Traffic Systems Inc. The company employs a Chicago consultant who is a longtime Emanuel political ally. It remains to be seen whether Redflex’s current red-light camera infrastructure in the city will give it an advantage in the bidding for speed cameras.

In addition to Brekford and Redflex, other bids came from American Traffic Solutions, Xerox, Motorola Solutions, Gatso USA, Federal Signal Corp., Optotraffic and B&W Sensors LLP.

The speed-camera program is set to begin with at least 25 cameras but could expand to cameras in about 360 “safety zones” within one-eighth of a mile of the city’s 1,800 schools and parks. According to the city, speeders caught by the cameras would be issued a warning ticket on their first offense, followed by tickets of up to $100.

City officials had hoped to begin rolling out the program by early November, but Kubly said the complicated bidding process had set that date back to early 2013.

Here’s why the school zone speed limit law was so severely limited. I know this will shock many of our more sensitive readers, but until the Attorney General ruled, there were some (as in ALL) municipalities that used the school zones as speed traps just to make money. They did nothing to protect the children.

THANK GOD that’s not what our sainted and beloved mayor is trying to do.

Anyway, people sued. And the Attorney General listened. Mostly because he received sage advice that, if these cases went to trial, the various cities, towns and so on were going to get their asses handed to them in court.

Amazing how common sense can sometimes work.

As to Rahm’s “ignore it or bludgeon it” approach to life, I remind you that Gery Chico still lives here.

Always has.

Or, there’s always TOOCH! I could live in a city with legalized pot even though I’m allergic to it.

Or, you could vote for Cynthia Plaster Caster. A woman who is an expert on dealing with dicks might be just what this city needs.

I’m just saying, you have choices.

Cool Kids “Rush Hour Traffic”

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Everything in the universe contains flaws, ourselves included. Even God does not attempt perfection in His creations. Only humankind has such foolish arrogance. – Cogitor Kwyna (Dune: The Butlerian Jihad). Not that you asked, but I happen to like the Dune books not written by Frank Herbert. They are less predictable. Anyway, the quote is nevertheless true. And man’s arrogance is leading, rapidly, to a really (and I mean insanely) bad idea. Back on November 18, 2010, I first wrote about how mankind was greasing the skids to its eventual doom. Seriously, I even posted links so that humans could learn to speak binary and be useful to their new masters. You would think that a warning like that would resonate.

You would be wrong. A quick search of this site shows multiple articles about our impending doom at the hands of robots. From Deathbots to Sexbots, robots are infiltrating our every aspect of our lives.

And scientists, the very people who should know better, are happily abetting Robo-Armageddon. For example, they are developing a robot that can hide from humans indefinitely. You know, a “stealth bot.”

A team of researchers led by George Whitesides, the Woodford L. and Ann A. Flowers University Professor, has already broken new engineering ground with the development of soft, silicone-based robots inspired by creatures like starfish and squid.

Now, they’re working to give those robots the ability to disguise themselves.

As demonstrated in an August 16 paper published in Science, researchers have developed a system — again, inspired by nature — that allows the soft robots to either camouflage themselves against a background, or to make bold color displays. Such a “dynamic coloration” system could one day have a host of uses, ranging from helping doctors plan complex surgeries to acting as a visual marker to help search crews following a disaster, said Stephen Morin, a Post-Doctoral Fellow in Chemistry and Chemical Biology and first author of the paper.

“When we began working on soft robots, we were inspired by soft organisms, including octopi and squid,” Morin said. “One of the fascinating characteristics of these animals is their ability to control their appearance, and that inspired us to take this idea further and explore dynamic coloration. I think the important thing we’ve shown in this paper is that even when using simple systems — in this case we have simple, open-ended micro-channels — you can achieve a great deal in terms of your ability to camouflage an object, or to display where an object is.”

“One of the most interesting questions in science is ‘Why do animals have the shape, and color, and capabilities that they do?'” said Whitesides. “Evolution might lead to a particular form, but why? One function of our work on robotics is to give us, and others interested in this kind of question, systems that we can use to test ideas. Here the question might be: ‘How does a small crawling organism most efficiently disguise (or advertise) itself in leaves?’ These robots are test-beds for ideas about form and color and movement.”

Just as with the soft robots, the “color layers” used in the camouflage start as molds created using 3D printers. Silicone is then poured into the molds to create micro-channels, which are topped with another layer of silicone. The layers can be created as a separate sheet that sits atop the soft robots, or incorporated directly into their structure. Once created, researchers can pump colored liquids into the channels, causing the robot to mimic the colors and patterns of its environment.

The system’s camouflage capabilities aren’t limited to visible colors though.

By pumping heated or cooled liquids into the channels, researchers can camouflage the robots thermally (infrared color). Other tests described in the Science paper used fluorescent liquids that allowed the color layers to literally glow in the dark.

The uses for the color-layer technology, however, don’t end at camouflage.

Just as animals use color change to communicate, Morin envisions robots using the system as a way to signal their position, both to other robots, and to the public. As an example, he cited the possible use of the soft machines during search and rescue operations following a disaster. In dimly lit conditions, he said, a robot that stands out from its surroundings (or even glows in the dark) could be useful in leading rescue crews trying to locate survivors.

“What we hope is that this work can inspire other researchers to think about these problems and approach them from different angles,” he continued. “There are many biologists who are studying animal behavior as it relates to camouflage, and they use different models to do that. We think something like this might enable them to explore new questions, and that will be valuable.”

Sure, Stealth Bots that can avoid detection by any method known to man and can then just jump out and catch us? Gosh, what could possibly go wrong? Well at least they can’t run us down.

Ooops, spoke too soon.

Robots are already stronger than humans, able to lift thousands of pounds at a time. In many ways, they’re smarter than people, too; machines can perform millions of calculations per second, and even beat us at chess. But we could at least take solace in the fact that we could still outrun our brawny, genius robot overlords if we needed to.

Until now, that is. A four-legged robot, funded by the Pentagon, has just run 28.3 miles per hour. That’s faster than the fastest man’s fastest time ever. Oh well, ruling the planet was fun while it lasted.

The world record for the 100 meter dash was set in 2009 by sprinter Usain Bolt, who averaged 23.35 mph during his run for a time of 9.58 seconds. Over one 20-meter stretch, he managed to get up to 27.78 mph. It was a pretty impressive feat.

The Cheetah — a quadrupedal machine built by master roboteers Boston Dynamics and backed by Darpa, the Defense Department’s far-out research division — not only topped Bolt’s record-setting time. It also beat its previous top speed of 18 mph, set just a half-year ago.

“To be fair, keep in mind that the Cheetah robot runs on a treadmill without wind drag and has an off-board power supply that it does not carry,” a Boston Dynamics press release reminds us. “So Bolt is still the superior athlete.”

But the company is looking to change all that, and soon.

In recent months, the Cheetah team “increased the amount of power available to the robot. More power means faster motion and more margin in the actuators for better control,” Boston Dynamics CEO Marc Raibert tells Danger Room in an email. The robot-makers have also been “working on the control system, refining how the coordination of legs and back works and developing a better understanding of the dynamics.

He adds, “You can see that there is still room for improvement at the end of the video we just posted, where the robot starts to go faster, but loses control and trips.”

But those control systems are improving. The next major step is to build an untethered version — one with an onboard engine and operator controls that work in 3D.

“Our real goal is to create a robot that moves freely outdoors while it runs fast. We are building an outdoor version that we call WildCat, that should be ready for testing early next year,” Dr. Alfred Rizzi, the technical lead for the Cheetah effort, says in a statement.

It may sound a little outlandish. But keep in mind: Boston Dynamics has done this before. Its alarmingly like-like BigDog quadruped is able to tramp across ice, snow, and hills — all without the off-board hydraulic pump and boom-like device now used to keep the Cheetah on track. An improved version of the BigDog can haul 400 pounds for up to 20 miles. (See what we mean about robot brawn?) The company also has a biped ‘bot, Petman, that looks like a mechanical human — minus the head.

The idea behind these biologically-inspired robots is that legs can carry machines across terrain that would leave wheels or tracks stuck. To be a true partner to a human soldier, a robot has to walk like one, too. Darpa says Cheetah and company will “contribute to emergency response, humanitarian assistance and other defense missions.” But when the robot was first introduced, Boston Dynamics noted that its flexible spine would help it “zigzag to chase and evade.”

As if being brilliant and super-strong wasn’t unnerving enough.

Yeah, go ahead, yuck it up. Super fast stealth bots with the ability to hunt us down and kill us just makes me giggle too.

But at least killing us is all they can do. They can’t perform hideous medical experiments on us.

I have got to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

Surgeons at the University of Illinois Hospital & Health Sciences System are developing new treatment options for obese kidney patients.

Many U.S. transplant centers currently refuse to transplant these patients due to poorer outcomes.
By simultaneously undergoing two procedures — robotic-assisted kidney transplantation and robotic-assisted sleeve gastrectomy — patients have only one visit to the operating room and one general anesthesia. Surgeons can utilize the same minimally invasive incisions.

Aidee Diaz, a 35-year-old Chicago woman, is the first patient in the world to have the combined procedure, according to UI surgeons. When Diaz was diagnosed with kidney disease and high blood pressure five years ago, doctors began intensive treatment, including chemotherapy and steroids, to treat abnormal protein production that was causing her kidney disease.

In Diaz’s case, her weight jumped from 180 pounds to 300 pounds, and she needed dialysis three times a week.
“Many obese patients come to us because they have been excluded from transplant waiting lists or been told that they must lose weight prior to transplantation,” said Dr. Enrico Benedetti, professor and head of surgery at UIC. “Unfortunately, successful weight loss in patients with chronic illness is uncommon and often unrealistic.”

On July 9, Dr. Subhashini Ayloo, assistant professor of surgery at UIC, performed the robot-assisted sleeve gastrectomy by removing 70 percent of Diaz’s stomach. The procedure created a smaller stomach through which ingested food can enter the digestive tract without diverting or bypassing the intestines.
Immediately following the sleeve gastrectomy procedure, Benedetti performed a living-related kidney transplant. Diaz said she appreciates the gift of both procedures — having kidney function with weight loss.

Surgeons at the UI Hospital routinely perform robotic-assisted kidney transplantation (more than 65 cases since 2009) and sleeve gastrectomies for weight loss (more than 150 since 2007). The team has data, in press, demonstrating the safety of robotic kidney transplantation in obese patients with a body mass index above 40 and up to 60.

“The combination of gastric sleeve surgery and kidney transplantation could provide patients with the greatest benefit post-transplantation, when there is the greatest risk related to the combined complications of obesity and renal failure,” said Ayloo, who is principal investigator of an ongoing clinical trial to evaluate the safety and effectiveness of the combined procedure.

The trial will determine whether simultaneous robotic-assisted kidney transplant and sleeve gastrectomy has fewer surgical complications and better medical outcomes for obese patients with end-stage renal disease compared to kidney transplant alone. The institutional review board (IRB) has approved the protocol but the trial is ongoing and results are not yet available.

Co-investigators include Benedetti, Dr. Pier Giulianotti, Dr. Jose Oberholzer and Dr. Ivo Tzvetanov of UIC.

Previous studies have reported outcomes of other laparoscopic bariatric procedures (gastric bypass and gastric banding) before and after kidney transplantation, but there is no data on sleeve gastrectomy combined with kidney transplantation, Ayloo said.

Yeah, right in my own state they are teaching robots how to remove kidneys. Well, it isn’t like we need them or anything.

But robots like that are wildly expensive and rare. It’s not like you can knock one up in the garage.

HA HA! Fooled you.

Of course you can build your own artificial intelligence. How could you think otherwise?

Ask any roboticist of a certain age, whether a professional or hobbyist, how they first got interested in robots. Odds are good they’ll mention a 1976 TAB book, written by David L. Heiserman, called Build Your Own Working Robot. The book described the construction of Buster, a small, wheeled robot. This was before the era of ubiquitous microprocessors. Buster’s brain was a mass of TTL logic chips that implemented surprisingly complex behaviours. In some ways, Buster was not unlike Grey Walter’s vacuum tube-based turtle robots from the late 1940s and was likely the first significant step forward in behavior-based robots since Walter’s turtles. Did you ever wonder what Dave did after writing those books or what he’s up to today? Read on to find out!

Two years after Build Your Own Working Robot was published, Dave Heiserman returned with another robot book that brought behaviour-based robots into the computer age. The new book, called How to Build Your Own Self-Programming Robot, described the construction of Rodney. Starting with no knowledge, Rodney explored and learned about his world through trial-and-error, using what he learned to anticipate future explorations.

All of this behaviour-based robotics stuff was considered a bit kooky by mainstream researchers in the 1970s, who favored top-down strong AI. Why bother building little insect-level robots that puttered around on the floor? Machines needed to understand deep philosophical questions first. They needed to represent the entire world symbolically and reason about it like human brains. Only then would we be ready to put them on wheels or legs. So even though hobbyists almost immediately set to work building Buster clones, Heiserman was largely ignored elsewhere. But mainstream AI was already running into dead ends, entering what’s now known as the AI Winter. And those Buster-building hobbyists were entering Universities and beginning to set the stage for a change in the direction of AI research. Before long, Rodney Brooks arrived on scene and coined the name ‘subsumption architecture’ to describe his own bottom-up, behaviour-based robots. Robotics and AI research were revitalized.

While you aren’t likely to see a mention of Heiserman in any official history of AI or robotics, it hard to imagine that his books didn’t play a part in those changes. Even today I find that most hobby roboticists still remember him. Many still have the two books shown above or one of his many other books. I was reminded of this recently when, during a visit the Dallas Personal Robotics Group, I ran across several copies of Build Your Own Working Robot in the group’s library. I picked one up, opened it, and realized it was the very copy that I had bought in 1976 and later donated to the DPRG. It got me thinking about all of this and I wondered whether Dave might still be around. I set out to find him and, along the way, I collected questions from other robot builders; questions they’d always wanted to ask the author whose books inspired their interest in robotics.

If you click on the link there’s a fascinating interview to go along with all this. But look at the dates. Over 40 years ago this happy go lucky madman was inviting people to participate in their own destruction and, instead of jailing him for treason, he’s been allowed to become a living icon to those who would gleefully flush humanity down the drain.

Then again, after watching the vicious screed that is passing for political discourse these days, maybe they have the right idea.

SexBot from Joseph Gonzales on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Okay, that’s a cheap shot at the Republican National Convention which just wrapped up in Tampa. And I can certainly understand why the local media in Florida decided to downplay some of the zanier stories coming down the pike. It was a chance for their state to shine on the international stage so, obviously, the last thing anyone would want is actual Floridians on TV. After all, those are the same people who taught their teenagers that swallowing bleach would stop AIDS. Of course this is also the state where a room full of lawyers were so frightened by the color orange, kind of a problem in a state known for its oranges, that they fired a big chunk of their law firm. In other words, I can sympathize with the people running the convention wanting to keep these people as far away from civilized humans as possible. But the convention is over and I need to fill space. So here we go!

Joshua Sauls, got himself all naked and angry at an SUV but wanted to know why cops were hassling him.

Port St. Lucie cops say they deployed both a taser and a K-9 unit on Joshua Sauls, 28, after they say he committed three bizarre acts — while naked — after ‘fessing up to taking some “Triple C” , reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

After dispatchers received a call about a naked man slicing the interior of a Dodge Durango outside an apartment, a responding officer arrived to find a “wild eyed and crazed” Sauls approaching him while holding a knife and saying that he hadn’t done anything, according to the arrest affidavit.

But cops say he had done plenty of mischief.

Sauls had also tried to enter the back door of an apartment and had broken water pipes in his own unit, causing water to come from his doors — in addition to stabbing the Durango, according to cops.

I am curious what the Durango did to him. They are usually pleasant vehicles. I’ve never had one yell at me as far as I know.

And then there’s the fun story of Larry Norman Hill, no relation to Benny or King of, who attacked an empty pizza delivery car ….. with a golf club …. while naked.

Larry Norman Hill’s neighbors in Holiday told deputies they saw Hill kicking up a storm by smashing a car abandoned earlier that day by a pizza delivery woman after it stalled in rising floodwaters during a downpour, reports the Tampa Bay TImes in St. Petersburg.

Hill, who’s 6-feet and 235-pounds, was stark naked while he attacked the car with a gold club, according to the report.

After claiming the car was now his, Hill reportedly left the vehicle’s doors opened, allowing floodwater inside.

Sorry Larry, you’re naked in the rain with a golf club, you’ve got to do better than that. Police agreed and he’s awaiting a bail hearing.

Of course no blog about Florida would be complete unless I had something about guns and masturbation. Add in a possible DUI and I think I hit the trifecta with Robert Leo Casey.

A tow truck driver told cops he saw a naked man masturbating while driving a Jeep Cherokee in Fort Pierce on Monday, reports WPBF ABC News-25 in West Palm Beach.

When the man, later identified as Robert Leo Casey, 49, was pulled over along I-95, he was still struggling to put his clothes back on, according to the arrest report.

During a pat-down an officer found a toy pistol tied to Casey’s leg, with part of the barrel hidden in Casey’s rump. Another portion of the contraption was tied around his genitals, the report said.

No, I don’t want to know why he found that enticing.

Of course, I would be remiss if I left out the story of the naked, grandpa eating, zombie.

Deputies say Charles Baker, 26, was an out-of-control nude dude — and under the influence of an unknown drug — when he went to visit his kids, who stay with their grandparents in Palmetto, reports the Bradenton Herald.

Baker allegedly began cursing, screaming, throwing furniture around, and removing his clothes when he entered the home, the report said.

When the kids’ grandfather tried to restrain him, Baker bit him on his biceps, which became swollen and bruised with signs of teeth marks which required a Tetanus shot, according to reports.

‘Let’s eat Grandpa!’ or, ‘Let’s eat, Grandpa!’ As you can see, education IS important as punctuation saves lives.

Naturally, since this is Florida, the naked zombie problem is becoming something of an epidemic as police in St. Augustine arrested a naked man who was beating up lawn furniture and biting a stranger in the gut.

Two men told St. Augustine cops they were awakened by a man who was destroying their lawn furniture, then climbing on their roof before leaping onto a truck and denting its hood, according to St. Augustine cops, reports The Florida Times-Union in Jacksonville.

The butt-naked man, later identifies as 22-year-old Jeremiah Aaron Haughee of Flagler Beach is also accused of urinated on the floor of the home and biting one of the men in the gut while they were restraining him, according to the report.

It must be global warming, bath salts or something.

See what you missed while you were watching politicians? And it all might have escaped your notice were it not for the crack team here at World News Center.

Esham – Bath Salts **NSFW** from Aknu Media on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Guys know that when a woman says “fine” what she really means is “not fine.” “Go ahead and do whatever you want” is not an invitation, it’s a threat. Men learn, or they quickly live alone, that “we need” means “I want.” We are painfully aware that “There’s no one else” means “I’m dating your brother/father/best friend.” Quite possibly all of the above. Simultaneously. So it is odd to me to realize that woman don’t really know what other women mean when they are talking to them. This is why the World News Center team got together for a testosterone and alcohol fueled discussion about what women really mean and then we got this hottie with D-cups, Daisy Dukes and no morals to take notes and, on three occasions, supplement our findings.

So, without further ado, here is the WNC female-to-female translation page.

Wilma, Dahhhhling, you look gorgeous.

means

Dear God, were you dressed by a blind toddler?

**********************

Wilma, lovie, have you lost weight?

means

It’s hard to tell through all your fat.

**********************

Wilma, I just L-U-V what you’ve done with your hair.

means

Hey, look! The bitch finally hid her bald spot.

**********************

Wilma, those are lovely boots.

means

Pity about the rest of the outfit though.

**********************

Wow, Wilma, those jeans really highlight your (derriere).

means

Which is good since you have the boobs of a 10 year old boy.

**********************

Wow, Wilma, your daughter is beautiful.

means

I hope your little princess likes stripping because she’s dumber than dirt.

**********************

Wilma, darling, this is a fascinating meal.

means

I had no idea cardboard was edible.

**********************

Wilma, your husband is a wonderful man.

means

(1) I’d let him ride me like a rodeo pony and put me away wet.
-or-
(2) That’s what you get for dating inmates.

There is no middle ground on this one.

**********************

Oh, Wilma, your child is precious.

means

Dear God, is that a third eye? What the hell is wrong with that mutant?

**********************

Wilma, this is a wonderful restaurant.

means

Thanks God it’s not Godlen Corrral.

**********************

Wilma, sweetheart, have you been working out?

means

Nice boob job. Who’s your plastic guy?

**********************

Oh, Wilma, nothing makes me happier than sitting here with you.

means

I left my vibrator for this?

**********************

Obviously, we could go on but this should be a good primer. Why are woman so fake with each other? According to our expert assistant yesterday, if they were truly honest with each other they’d be forced to admit that they wanted to have lots of sex with each other and only use men for filler.

She may or may not be right, but it works for us.

Complicated Universal Cum – I can hardly wait from Fake Diamond Records on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.