Unsexy Sex

Somewhere, believe it or not, there’s a girl thinking he’s hot.
Sex is one of the few things humans seem to have done consistently well throughout time. Men are pre-programmed to hump anything that moves and a few things that don’t. Women are pre-programmed to be a tad more selective. At least that’s what passes for culturally aware propaganda these days. And it’s close enough to the truth that I can live with it. So it is with some sense of amazement that I continue to find stories concerning people who are completely clueless when it comes to performing sex. Or enjoying it. Or sharing it. Or, well, you get the idea. Simply put there are some people who, no matter how sincere or well intentioned their efforts may be, end up featured on a police blotter or on TMZ. And, no, that is not really a good thing. It’s a funny thing and a thing that I love to share, but it is not a good thing.

For example, Amanda Jean Linscott was arrested after she caused a serious car accident while having sex in a moving car as she was pointing a gun at some dude’s head.

This never happens to you.

A Florida woman who allegedly pulled a gun on a man during sex and demanded money, causing him to lose control of his moving car, was arrested Tuesday, police said.

The woman, Amanda Jean Linscott, 26, fled the scene on foot after the vehicle struck a palm tree, went airborne and plowed through two front yards, according to the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office in Port Charlotte, Fla.

After a weeklong investigation, Linscott was arrested Tuesday on an armed robbery charge.

The incident, which happened during the early morning hours of September 3, was the result of a chain of events that started at the Paddy Wagon Irish Pub in Port Charlotte, according to a police report.

Linscott, accompanied by a friend, met with the unnamed victim and two of his friends at the bar. After it closed, the men invited the women to come to a private residence, where the man and another woman went into a bedroom to have sex, police said.

“The girl said she needed $250, which [the victim] said he didn’t have. She asked how much he had and he gave her $120,” the police report said.

Then, the man went to the bathroom and both women left the house.

Police said the man called the woman to whom he gave the money and arranged to meet her at a local convenience store. When he arrived at the location, he instead found Linscott, who said her friend had left her.

Linscott then got into the man’s car and began having sex with him while he was driving his Nissan Sentra.

Linscott allegedly demanded money from the man, who told her he had already given $120 to her friend. At that point, she pulled out a .357 revolver and held it to the man’s head, police said.

The man grabbed the weapon and punched Linscott in the face, he told police, causing him to lose control of his car. The vehicle struck a palm tree and went through two yards before coming to a stop.

At that point, Linscott fled the scene.

The man drove his car to his friends’ house, where he gave them the gun and called police.

When police responded to the scene, they found an elderly man in a driveway who told them his daughter, Amanda Linscott, was in a car accident and had been punched in the face, police said.

Police questioned all parties involved and later arrested Linscott. She is currently being held at the Charlotte County Jail without bond.

Since we are discussing parties and Florida I would be woefully remiss if I didn’t mention the amazing bash thrown by Thomas Edwin March IV. It had lots of beer, it had great music and it was ready to rock …. for one guy who was naked and stalking strangers.

Thomas Edwin March IV knows all the elements of a rockin’ party — but he made one big mistake.

The 51-year-old Florida man had the essentials: a pair of 3D glasses, three 20-ounce cans of Ice House beer, a smashed cheeseburger, and a laptop (possibly to blast a little Bob Seger). Party time. But he got arrested because he was allegedly naked, and Bunche Beach isn’t a nude beach.

The News-Press reports that passersby started complaining about March on Friday morning after they observed him with his party pack lying on a bench.

A responding deputy asked what March was doing naked with a cheeseburger, but his only response was to remind the officer not to forget his laptop when he was arrested.

The Sun Sentinel reported that March had been following people around at some point during the day.

He has been charged with indecent exposure.

As well he should be. Of course no story about Florida would be complete without a family values mention. Benjamin King has strong family values. And those values required him to try and kill his daughter when she gave bedroom privileges to her son’s fiance.

I never said they were sane values, just strong.

A 92-year-old tried to kill his daughter — first with a frying pan, then a pistol and then a knife, cops said.

The Orlando area senior citizen has been charged with attempted murder after allegedly trying to kill his daughter three times on Thursday, WESH reports.

Benjamin King said he was angry his daughter, Patricia Pernacchia, had gone against his “old school principles” by letting her adult son and his fiancée sleep in the same bed, according to the Orlando Sentinel.

Apparently in response to this disagreement, King reportedly came up behind his daughter and hit her in the head with a frying pan, saying he “hoped it was heavy enough to kill her.”

Pernacchia, who lives with King and his caretaker, was unharmed enough to flee the house, but she then returned in order to call her son for help. When she came back, authorities say, her father was waiting for her with a pistol. He reportedly shot at his daughter twice, but the gun jammed, according to WFTV.

Pernacchia was able to wrest control of the gun and call 911. While she was on the phone with police, King reached into a kitchen drawer, ostensibly to grab a knife, but Pernacchia slammed the drawer shut on his hand to stop him.

When police arrived, Pernacchia was hesitant to press charges against her father. She noted that she believes he was merely upset about the argument they had over her son, and that King may have psychological problems.

The man was arrested and charged with first-degree attempted murder with a firearm.

Pretty spry for a 92 year old guy, wouldn’t you say?

A quick aside here, if you own a Volkswagen dealership in India you might see sales slip a little. As it turns out giving away a free vibrator in every newspaper and saying “this is what it feels like to ride a VW” might not have been their best advertising move.

I’m sure I don’t need to explain why.

Speaking of vibrators and the women who videotape themselves using them, Octomom is back in the news. It turns out that she took all that money she made from brushing her beaver and bought a new home.

Octomom took the money she saved from making her porn flick and put it toward a good cause: a new home.

Octomom, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, leased a house in California for her and her 14 children using the money she made from her porn film, “Home Alone,” TMZ reports.

The house is situated in Palmdale, Calif., and features five bedrooms, three bathrooms, a three-car garage and a 14,000-square-foot backyard. The home reportedly costs Suleman $2,150 per month in rent.

Octomom has been looking for a new home since her La Habra abode went into foreclosure in June. She spent the summer begging for money from fans and offering dates for cash.

Back in July, Steve Javors of AVN.com, a news site focusing on the adult industry, spoke to The Huffington Post about the cash Suleman could receive from her porn gig.

He said money from online subscriptions to Wicked Entertainment, which distributed the DVD, could show up immediately, while money from DVD sales would likely take longer to trickle in.

“I don’t know the financial arrangements, or if it’s based on sales, but my educated guess is that she got a healthy performance fee upfront,” Javors told HuffPost’s David Moye. “With all the piracy, it’s possible many people will see it on the ‘tube’ sites for free.”

Not only did she get paid, she got empowered.

“It has been the most empowering, liberating thing I have ever done,” Suleman told HLN’s Dr. Drew about doing porn. “There is nothing I won’t do to take care of my family. I’m not a porn star.” Adding, “I had full control and power over my choice. I take full accountability and I’m proud of it.”

Suleman first agreed to do the porno to help pay her bills. She went off welfare in March and had to find a way to make ends meet.

Isn’t “offering dates for cash” also known as “prostitution?” Oh well, she’s famous so I guess it’s okay.

And, after all, she is doing it for the children.

Of course not everyone selling sex for cash is famous, but some of them are incredibly dumb. A lady named Jackie Hatter was arrested in Pennsylvania for offering pseudo-sex for cash for anyone who slowed down enough.

One such person was the cop who arrested her.

A southwestern Pennsylvania woman has been jailed on charges she was flagging down motorists and offering to take off her clothes for cash.

Online court records don’t list an attorney for 35-year-old Jackie Hatter, of Uniontown. She remained jailed Wednesday unable to post $25,000 bond.

The Herald-Standard of Uniontown reports Hatter was arrested about 8:40 a.m. Sunday and charged with disorderly conduct and marijuana possession. Police say they were told she was stopping cars to offer the striptease at an intersection in the city about 40 miles south of Pittsburgh.

Police say Hatter was mumbling incoherently and fighting with officers.

A preliminary hearing on the charges has yet to be scheduled.

I can’t believe she wasn’t cold sober. Can you? Of course, if you’re going to peddle flesh to cars it’s best to offer a logical incentive. For example, Malaysian hookers a/k/a massage therapists, were offering free sex for every 9 car washes you got at the place next door.

A car wash never felt so dirty.

A business in Malaysia reportedly offered car wash customers free sex after their ninth wash, according to the Malay Mall.

The alleged reward-program-to-end-all-reward-programs was born out of a partnership between the car wash and a massage parlor, police said.

After becoming suspicious that the massage parlor was harboring illicit activity, authorities raided the business and found that several of its patrons had customer cards for the car wash.

The cards offered a little more than your average discount, though.

“To get the extra ‘offer,’ customers must send their cars for washing nine times within a certain period,” Officer Emmi Shah Fadhil said. “The tenth car wash will entitle them to free sex.”

Nine Vietnamese women believed to be prostitutes were arrested.

The Toronto Sun reports that four men suspected of running the sex ring were also arrested.

The Stir’s Nicole Fabian-Weber fears the sex-for-car-wash deal undervalues one of life’s great pleasures.

“Call me old fashioned, but I think intercourse is worth a scosh more than nine car washes,” Fabian-Weber writes. “… I’m all about the punch card. But, I don’t know, I have to say, after reading this, the term ‘customer loyalty’ has been sullied for me a bit.”

I don’t know. If WalMart had a customer loyalty program like that I might start shopping there.

Here are some useful things for you to know about sex;

Heavier men last longer in bed
Put down the weights and grab a hamburger: Researchers in Turkey have finished a yearlong study that correlated body mass index with male sexual performance. Their findings may surprise you: Heavier men were able to make love for an average of 7.3 minutes, while slender men lasted an average of 108 seconds. The study, published in Nature, showed that overweight men had higher levels of the female estradiol hormone, which blocks male hormones and delays the climax.

I am accepting applications now.

Oral sex could be a cure for morning sickness
One academic is proposing a cure for morning sickness that some moms-to-be might find in bad taste — sperm. Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at SUNY-Albany has a theory that pregnant women who are continually exposed to the father’s semen are less likely to suffer from AM nausea. Gallup, who specializes in human reproductive competition and behavior, offers the theory that expectant women become ill and vomit because their bodies are rejecting the semen’s genetic material as something foreign and unfamiliar. The theory could feasibly quell their queasiness by ingesting the same sperm in order to allow the body to build up a tolerance. The idea, while likely appealing to dads, is only a theory and has yet to be tested.

Honey, before we have a baby I think we need to get your immune system built up.

Sex cures headaches
If you think sex can’t be had due to a headache, how wrong you are, at least according to headache specialist Dr. Vincent Martin. Amazingly, it’s just the opposite. Martin stated that the increase in serotonin levels which happens during sex eases the pathways in the brain that can lead to and sustain a headache.

Now, this isn’t to say that sex is the answer to all headaches or there would be massive tardiness in the corporate world every day. However, with the act itself being quite a bit more powerful than popping a few ibuprofen or aspirin, perhaps this new headache cure will be tested soon by, well, many.

Well, so much for the whole “Not tonight honey ….” excuse.

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Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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