I Did Not Know that RNC Stood for Rabidly Nude & Crazy

Valet parking gone horribly wrong.
Okay, that’s a cheap shot at the Republican National Convention which just wrapped up in Tampa. And I can certainly understand why the local media in Florida decided to downplay some of the zanier stories coming down the pike. It was a chance for their state to shine on the international stage so, obviously, the last thing anyone would want is actual Floridians on TV. After all, those are the same people who taught their teenagers that swallowing bleach would stop AIDS. Of course this is also the state where a room full of lawyers were so frightened by the color orange, kind of a problem in a state known for its oranges, that they fired a big chunk of their law firm. In other words, I can sympathize with the people running the convention wanting to keep these people as far away from civilized humans as possible. But the convention is over and I need to fill space. So here we go!

Joshua Sauls, got himself all naked and angry at an SUV but wanted to know why cops were hassling him.

Port St. Lucie cops say they deployed both a taser and a K-9 unit on Joshua Sauls, 28, after they say he committed three bizarre acts — while naked — after ‘fessing up to taking some “Triple C” , reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

After dispatchers received a call about a naked man slicing the interior of a Dodge Durango outside an apartment, a responding officer arrived to find a “wild eyed and crazed” Sauls approaching him while holding a knife and saying that he hadn’t done anything, according to the arrest affidavit.

But cops say he had done plenty of mischief.

Sauls had also tried to enter the back door of an apartment and had broken water pipes in his own unit, causing water to come from his doors — in addition to stabbing the Durango, according to cops.

I am curious what the Durango did to him. They are usually pleasant vehicles. I’ve never had one yell at me as far as I know.

And then there’s the fun story of Larry Norman Hill, no relation to Benny or King of, who attacked an empty pizza delivery car ….. with a golf club …. while naked.

Larry Norman Hill’s neighbors in Holiday told deputies they saw Hill kicking up a storm by smashing a car abandoned earlier that day by a pizza delivery woman after it stalled in rising floodwaters during a downpour, reports the Tampa Bay TImes in St. Petersburg.

Hill, who’s 6-feet and 235-pounds, was stark naked while he attacked the car with a gold club, according to the report.

After claiming the car was now his, Hill reportedly left the vehicle’s doors opened, allowing floodwater inside.

Sorry Larry, you’re naked in the rain with a golf club, you’ve got to do better than that. Police agreed and he’s awaiting a bail hearing.

Of course no blog about Florida would be complete unless I had something about guns and masturbation. Add in a possible DUI and I think I hit the trifecta with Robert Leo Casey.

A tow truck driver told cops he saw a naked man masturbating while driving a Jeep Cherokee in Fort Pierce on Monday, reports WPBF ABC News-25 in West Palm Beach.

When the man, later identified as Robert Leo Casey, 49, was pulled over along I-95, he was still struggling to put his clothes back on, according to the arrest report.

During a pat-down an officer found a toy pistol tied to Casey’s leg, with part of the barrel hidden in Casey’s rump. Another portion of the contraption was tied around his genitals, the report said.

No, I don’t want to know why he found that enticing.

Of course, I would be remiss if I left out the story of the naked, grandpa eating, zombie.

Deputies say Charles Baker, 26, was an out-of-control nude dude — and under the influence of an unknown drug — when he went to visit his kids, who stay with their grandparents in Palmetto, reports the Bradenton Herald.

Baker allegedly began cursing, screaming, throwing furniture around, and removing his clothes when he entered the home, the report said.

When the kids’ grandfather tried to restrain him, Baker bit him on his biceps, which became swollen and bruised with signs of teeth marks which required a Tetanus shot, according to reports.

‘Let’s eat Grandpa!’ or, ‘Let’s eat, Grandpa!’ As you can see, education IS important as punctuation saves lives.

Naturally, since this is Florida, the naked zombie problem is becoming something of an epidemic as police in St. Augustine arrested a naked man who was beating up lawn furniture and biting a stranger in the gut.

Two men told St. Augustine cops they were awakened by a man who was destroying their lawn furniture, then climbing on their roof before leaping onto a truck and denting its hood, according to St. Augustine cops, reports The Florida Times-Union in Jacksonville.

The butt-naked man, later identifies as 22-year-old Jeremiah Aaron Haughee of Flagler Beach is also accused of urinated on the floor of the home and biting one of the men in the gut while they were restraining him, according to the report.

It must be global warming, bath salts or something.

See what you missed while you were watching politicians? And it all might have escaped your notice were it not for the crack team here at World News Center.

Esham – Bath Salts **NSFW** from Aknu Media on Vimeo.

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