It’s Like Florida, but With More Cows

Yeah, moo moo bay-bee!
You’re looking at the pic to the left and wondering what the hell I have to pay to get a grown woman to pose like that. You’ll be pleased to know the answer is nothing. She posted that image all by herself. It seems she lives in Montana and her image has even been used to explain how Indonesian men can be seduced by cows. Udderly ridiculous you say? Sadly, no. It seems there is a whole sub-genre of humanity that finds bovines beautiful. Considering we live in a country where bestiality is legal in 22 states; Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia and Wyoming, for those planning a vacation, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Montana does have a law on the books prohibiting sex with animals, but it includes homosexuals in the list of undesirable beasts. And, as written, seems to provide for situations where innocent people are seduced by animals. See Indonesia for reasons why. No one has challenged the constitutionality of the Montana law. Legal experts say that’s because no one in Montana is actually aware what a constitution is or what it provides for. There’s a whole lot of home schooling going on out there.

Montana has some other laws on the books that are head scratchers as well.

1) It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperon.

2) It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

3) It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

4) In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

5) It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.

6) Prostitution is considered a “crime against the family.”

Okay, I can see valid reasons for #1 having been to Montana in my lifetime. #2 makes sense when I’m angry at my ex but not outside of that. #3 is funny. Some of the most violent movies in history have been filmed, and are still being filmed, in Montana. As to #4, why? Good luck enforcing #5. #6 may be the only one that makes sense.

In other cow related news in Montana it seems that bovines are attacking humans and hospitalizing them. Police in Billings were finally compelled to use lethal force to stop a mooing terrorist.

A Montana man suffered broken bones and sore ribs after being pummeled by a 1,200-pound black Angus cow that ran amok through downtown Billings on Tuesday, the Billings Gazette reported.

Morgan Logan, 52, was released from the hospital Wednesday afternoon, a day after the cow ran through Billings for nearly two hours before being shot by police.

I’ve been around livestock my whole life, so at first sight I thought it was pretty funny seeing cops chase a cow down the street,” Logan told the newspaper. “But she was like a bull at a rodeo.”

Logan had been driving a gravel truck at the construction site where he works when he spotted police going after the animal and decided to help.

The cow escaped from the Public Auction Yards around 3 p.m. during unloading before going on a two-hour trek through the city’s downtown.

The paper reported the cow knocked over a cyclist, charged at pedestrians and nearly jumped over a police vehicle.

“It’s not like we are out in the pasture,” Lt. Kevin Iffland with the Billings Police Department said Wednesday. “This was a totally different scenario of asphalt and a lot of traffic. We are not equipped to wrangle large animals in a city environment.”

Logan said the cow charged at him “like a bull at a rodeo” from under a tree knocking him into the air.

“I couldn’t believe how fast she came out from under the tree,” Logan said. “I guess I saw her too late because the next thing I knew I was in the air. I had no fence to climb — she caught me right in the open.”

Police requested assistance from the state fish and wildlife parks office and the auction yard where the cow had escaped from.

Bob Gibson, communication and education program manager for Fish and Wildlife Parks, said they were unable to respond to the incident because the agency wouldn’t have been able to act fast enough.

“It’s not like we just go to the cupboard and pull out a dart gun and shoot,” Gibson said. “There are different drugs, concentrations and quantities that are all considerations when darting animals. Wardens do a lot of studying and environmental assessment ahead of time when tranquilizing an animal.

Eventually a police marksman was called and shot the cow through the heart, ending the the rampage. The cow was taken to a city landfill.

Landfill? In Montana? It’s Black Angus dudes, fire up a big grill and throw a party. Oh well, the cops must be home schooled too.

Yet another home grown genius in Montana is Randy Lee Tenley, who dressed up like Bigfoot and then got killed by a 17 year old girl.

Yes, it’s sad and, yes, I feel bad for the young lady and, yes, I laughed my ass off.

A 44-year old Kalispell man is dead after being hit on Highway 93 Sunday night. Troopers say Randy Lee Tenley was wearing an apparently store-bought ghillie suit when two vehicles struck him.

A ghillie suit is a type of three-dimensional camouflage, sometimes worn by military snipers. The suits are available online and at hunting shops. Troopers say the get-up played a big role in his death. They say he was in the right-hand lane of Highway 93 South when a 15-year old Somers girl hit him.

“He probably would not have been very easy to see at all,” said Montana Highway Patrol Trooper Jim Schneider.

Another car swerved, and a third car, troopers say driven by a 17-year old Somers girl, ran him over.

“It appears the pedestrian was well into the driving lane,” said Schneider. Officials closed Highway 93 for two hours on Sunday night, as firefighters directed traffic and officers investigated. What they found is troubling.

“According to his companions, he was out there in the ghillie suit attempting to incite a sighting of Bigfoot, to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.

But, dispatchers received no calls of the sort, just the one that sent emergency crews rushing to the scene. Sunday night’s investigation is ongoing. Troopers say Tenley likely drank alcohol yesterday, but they’re still waiting on toxicology results to see if he was impaired.

Oh, I’m guessing he was close to sober. Ghillie suits are tough to put on in the best of situations, drunks are probably not going to be able to make it work. And, yeah, it sucks for that kid to have killed a guy but, from her point of view, she hit a shrub that fell on the highway.

No word on whether they threw the ghillie suit in the landfill as well.

Talkin Sasquatch Blues from Trevor Knapp Jones on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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