The Love Boat, Strippers and a Room Full of Republicans

What an amazing convergance we are witnessing. A tropical storm, and possible hurricane, named after notorious left wing loony Ted Lange’s famous bartender. As is well known Ted’s won awards for supporting crazy crap like equal rights and froo-froo intellectualism with his ongoing teaching of Shakespeare. Like anyone reads any more. What a bunch of silliness. Anyway, as Isaac barrels towards Tampa police realized they had a couple of problems; (1) where to put all the left wing loonies, like Ted, after they get arrested and what to do about ugly whores. After all, there are God-fearing Republicans coming to town. They have jobs and money so there can’t be any ugly whores cluttering up the festivities. Fortunately for all Americans, Tampa police are well prepared for all such contingencies.

Left wing lunatics invading your fine city? Not a problem, just empty the jails of the hardened criminals and use the beds for the tourists.

No, I am not making this up. Adam Peck of ThinkProgress has the odd story.

Thousands of Republicans from around the country will descend upon Tampa, Florida next week for the Republican National Convention, and if recent history is any guide, so too will hundreds of protesters.

To prepare, Hillsborough County Sheriff David Gee has ordered the Orient Road Jail, a 1,700 bed prison in Tampa, emptied, relocating some inmates to another nearby prison and releasing others on bond. The entire facility has been transformed into a one-stop booking, detention, and bond-issuance center capable of handling large numbers of arrests, which begs the question: will Tampa police keep demonstrators on a short leash?

Sheriff Gee says no, but also indicated in a letter posted on a county website that his department would have very little tolerance for anything more than chanting and holding up signs:

To the agitators and anarchists who want only to bring a dark cloud to this event, let me be clear: criminal activity and civil disturbances will not be tolerated and enforcement actions will be swift.

Four years ago, police in Minneapolis, Minnesota were criticized for their treatment of protesters and reporters covering the RNC, and were even forced to settle in an excessive force lawsuit. And in 2004, police in New York City were found to have been surveilling dozens of protest groups for months leading up to the RNC, even embedding undercover officers within several larger groups.

Why do I hear echoes of the 1968 Democratic convention?

“The policeman is not here to create disorder. The policeman is here to preserve disorder.”

I’m sure everything will be fine. Especially since Tampa strip clubs are hiring like maniacs and cops are rounding up the unapproved whores and strippers. Especially that real ugly one over 60 years old.

Really granny?

Tampa cops conducted a two-day sweep, dubbed “Keep it Clean,” to deter prostitution and human trafficking during the upcoming Republican National Convention, according to a news release from the Tampa Police Department.

Undercover officers conducted compliance checks at 12 adult establishments after receiving tips that hookers may be coming into Tampa to work in adult establishments during the RNC.

The operation netted a total of 16 women charged with Offering to Commit Prostitution from the following clubs: The Pink Pony (1), Alibi Lounge (4), Scarlett’s (3), Skin Tampa (4), Play Pen (3) and Emperor’s Club (1), according to the release.

The youngest, 18-year-old Dallas M. Boswell, of Auburndale, was busted at Skin Tamp; the oldest, Leslie Ann Herrin, 61, also known as Shawna, from Davenport, FL was busted at the Alibi Lounge.

61-years-old.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Please feel free to use the club names above to plan your vacation events. But make sure to leave time for THEE DOLL HOUSE, which will feature Sarah Palin.

Oops, I mean a Sarah Palin look-alike, doncha know.

Sarah Palin fans who are disappointed that the former vice presidential candidate won’t be speaking at the GOP convention in Tampa next month won’t be left hanging because her stripper look-alike will be entertaining hard-working Republicans at a local “gentleman’s club.”

WFLA learned last week that a “dead ringer” for Palin will stripping at Tampa’s Thee Doll House, only 5 miles from the the Tampa Bay Times Forum convention site.

Owners of Thee Doll House and 2001 Odyssey strip club both told the WFLA that they expect business to quadruple during the convention.

And that’s not a surprise because conservatives have a reputation for being great for the adult entertainment business.

“Hands down, the Republicans have always been our best customers,” Association of Club Executives Executive Director Angelina Spencer recently told WFAE. “We get clients from all walks of life, but for whatever reason… I have heard club owners say, ‘Boy, those Republicans really are great customers.’”

Newsweek‘s Peter Boyer reported last week that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney appeared poised to snub Palin at this year’s convention, leaving Palin supporters like The National Review‘s Rich Lowery without the eye candy they enjoyed when she was on the ticket during the last election.

“Palin too projects through the screen like crazy,” Lowry wrote in 2008. “I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, ‘Hey, I think she just winked at me.’”

“And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can’t be learned; it’s either something you have or you don’t, and man, she’s got it.”

But that’s then. What can God fearing Republicans do before they get to Tampa? Thaks to the nice people at the 2001 Odyssey Strip Club, they can go online with something safe like Facebook and talk to strippers directly so they can – ahem – make appointments.

Doncha know?

In a private room at the 2001 Odyssey strip club, dancers with names like Candy, Bella and Ferrari sit on a high-backed velvet bench and video chat with online customers from across the country. For a price, they’ll disrobe and move into an adjacent room to dance.

Web customers pay a monthly membership fee for these virtual interactions. And some of them, the club says, end up coming to Tampa for a trip inside the spaceship-topped nude club on N Dale Mabry Highway where they can visit the strippers in person.

By August — just in time for the Republican National Convention — operators of Club Cam Systems plan to roll out similar ventures at two other Tampa adult clubs. Their goal: drum up thousands of dollars online while giving some of the estimated 50,000 GOP convention visitors a taste of the adult entertainment awaiting them when they arrive.

“For the RNC, people need places to go. We’re trying to create the awareness for people who come to Tampa that Tampa has a lot of things to do,” said Russ Bruno, an owner of Club Cam Systems.

It’s a true “hub and spoke” model of social media marketing that’s being synchronized just in time for arriving delegates, politicians, lobbyists and other tourists. Like other businesses pitching for convention visitors, the clubs are updating their Facebook pages and Twitter accounts to drive traffic to their websites, which drives foot traffic to the clubs.

“I think Tampa may be breaking new ground with this,” said Glen Gilmore, a consultant and digital marketing professor at Rutgers University. “It’s a dramatic shift in marketing, and I guess what’s happening in Tampa just reinforces the fact that traditional marketing is yielding to new media and new marketing.”

• • •

The Odyssey’s journey into live streaming started about a decade ago but didn’t go far because of $110,000-a-month broadband costs and dial-up customers who wondered why “the girl hasn’t moved in 25 minutes,” said Don Kleinhans, a club co-owner.

“Technology has now caught up,” he said.

In the 5,113-square-foot club, cameras are perched above the dressing room’s entrance watching the women apply makeup or change out of lingerie. Another sits above the main stage not far from neon signs hailing the “Make It Rain Machine.”

Controlled by an ATM-like kiosk, the Make It Rain Machine allows customers online and in the club to drop as much as $2,000 in dollar bills from 2001’s ceiling onto dancers. Rolling thunder accompanies the lucrative storm while the DJ announces the rainmaker’s name and dedication. Performers can be tipped over the Web.

The cameras are tightly focused on the stage and patrons are never shown.

Tucked away behind a frosted glass door is the “Studio,” where strippers video chat offstage with customers who pay a $19.95 monthly membership fee to access the site. For another $4 a minute, they can ask for a personal striptease. Many of the club’s 300 dancers have profiles that inform viewers when their favorite entertainer is online.

Some strippers believe this “virtual club” is the answer for politicians who come to town and are scared of being seen in the club.

The service also draws clients into the Odyssey in person. That’s what club operators are hoping happens during the RNC. “People coming down for the RNC can log in online and see what’s going on at the club so they can bring parties to the club during the convention,” Bruno said.

• • •

Club Cam Systems, developed at 2001 Odyssey with its club owners staking a claim, is now being sold worldwide. The Mons Venus, the Odyssey’s longtime rival across the street, hopes to have its Club Cam system operating by next month, said Toni Derby, director of operations. It will not include video chat services because the 3,100-square-foot club doesn’t have enough room for a Web studio.

At the 2001, the club’s staff stays tethered to laptops to monitor, chat and keep the Web operation running. In an instant, they can access the club’s Facebook and Twitter accounts, and post updates and tweets to thousands of followers. It’s a direct-marketing tool club operators will aim at conventiongoers using political keywords and hashtags to draw them in.

When they leave, Kleinhans hopes, visitors will go home with beach memories, a souvenir or two and a membership in the virtual club to “stay in touch” with some of the people they’ve met.

Republicans love pen pals. Pen pals are a pure example of American history done right. Charlie Brown had a pen pal. Well, he tried. He ended up having a pencil pal. Which, when I was a kid, was one of the saddest things I ever read.

Republicans also love strippers. And, if a high quality news source like The Onion can be believed, they are quite fond of gay prostitutes too.

Although, to be fair, it seems that Democrats are fond of barely legal gay prostitutes as well.

Maybe that can be the tie that binds and gets them talking to each other.

“Senator? Have you tried Gary over on G Street? No? What a shame. He does this wonderful flippy thing with his tongue … By the way, do you have some time Saturday to go over the budget?”

Until then, how about some socially acceptable Duran Duran with traditional naked women and body oils?

Duran Duran “Girls on Film” Uncensored from Resistol 5000 on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.