Archives for August 2012

There are always times when you see a couple and instantly think, “Wow, when (pick one) sobers up that relationship is going to crash.” People used to say that about my ex and I. And, while it didn’t completely work out we were together for 10 years and I can promise we were sober during most of it. And while she won’t admit it now, there were plenty of good times hidden in there as well. Today’s column isn’t really about odd couples, just about how society has trouble with certain kinds of love. Some people, no matter what, will never accept any relationship they view as unconventional. They have hard and fast rules on what is, or is not, acceptable and they will do all in their power to inflict their beliefs on others while howling maniacally should anyone sane attempt the inverse. The Chicago based Wrigley company, experts on long suffering relationships in their own right, recently released an ad showing a happy woman making out with a walrus. Obviously, One Million Moms are protesting it.

Well, there really aren’t a million of them. As best I can tell they number about 20. But that’s close enough for the media today.

Bobby the walrus has some serious game.

In the latest Skittles ad, the large, flippered walrus is caught making out with an attractive blonde on a couch. But when Bobby’s supposed girlfriend comes home, the woman explains Bobby is not actually Bobby.

The commercial, which is meant to promote new Skittles flavors that don’t match their candy coating, concludes with the tagline “Taste the Rainbow. Deceive the Rainbow.”

And although the ad is a little vague, at least one group has failed to find anything funny about the new spot, calling the ad inappropriate.

One Million Moms, a conservative advocacy group, issued the following statement on its website:

We are not sure of Skittles’ thought process behind their new ad, but if they are attempting to offend customers, they have succeeded… Parents find this type of advertising inappropriate and unnecessary. Does Skittles’ have our children’s best interest in mind? Skittles candies are for all ages, but their target market is children.

The parents also allege the advertising is not just unfunny and offensive, but that it irresponsibly takes “lightly the act of bestiality.” The group is urges like minded citizens to send Wrigley Co. an email demanding “they pull this offensive commercial immediately.”

But in an email to the Huffington Post, a spokesperson for Wrigley defended the commercial, saying:

Skittles has won millions of fans with its unique and unexpected advertising. As a fun-loving candy brand, we never intend to offend people with our irreverent humor and don’t believe this imaginary situation promotes harm or inappropriate behavior with animals.

Merriam-Webster defines bestiality, n., as “sexual relations between a human being and a lower animal.”

While there are no federal anti-bestiality statutes, 30 states currently have criminal laws on the books that prohibit sexual contact with animals, according to Yahoo! Some laws consider the act a felony, while others define it as misdemeanor.

This is not the first time One Million Moms has made headlines for its actions.

The group previously tried (and failed) to get J.C. Penney to drop spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres, condemned America’s Favorite Cookie and most recently slammed NBC’s new show “The New Normal” as part of a network plot to subject Americans to the “decay of morals and values.”

Skittles, on the other hand, is known for its eccentric advertisements, including the vaguely accented “Baby Man Bird” spot, the “Sheep Boy” ad, and, of course, the man with the crazy, trunk-like, Skittles-snatching beard.

Really? They saw that ad and seriously thought that a major corporation was advocating sex with Odobenus rosmarus?

Don’t get too worried, by the Pre-Neanderthal standards of One Million Moms, the Mod Squad promoted race mixing. No, the part that held my attention is where the author noted that there are still twenty states where a man and his cow can openly share their commitment but outlaw gay marriage.

It is exactly that kind of messed up mentality that led to this next train wreck. Chris and Martin, a gay couple who have been together almost a decade, were publicly humiliated in Texas by baggage handlers (who clearly have baggage of their own).

A gay couple is accusing United Continental of “extreme and outrageous” conduct over an alleged incident involving a sex toy taped to their luggage, which the men say caused them severe emotional trauma.

Christopher Bridgeman and Martin Borger of Norfolk, Va., are seeking damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress, invasion of privacy and negligence in a lawsuit filed against the airline on Friday in the District Court of Harris County, Texas.

“It still brings butterflies to my stomach,” Borger, 35, told NBC News when recalling the episode.

United countered that it has conducted a thorough investigation and determined that there is no support for the allegations, spokeswoman Christen David said in a statement.

“United does not tolerate discrimination of any kind,” David said. “We will vigorously defend ourselves and our employees.”

The incident allegedly happened on May 21, 2011, as Bridgeman and Borger were returning from a vacation in Costa Rica. The men — who have been together for almost nine years — were flying back to Norfolk on Continental with a 90-minute layover at George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston. (Continental merged with United in 2010.)

Once they landed in Houston, the men collected their checked bags, went through customs, rechecked their luggage and boarded their flight to Virginia without incident.

But when they arrived in Norfolk and went to the baggage claim area, the couple discovered a sex toy had been taken from one of their bags, covered in a “greasy foul-smelling substance” and “taped prominently” to the top of the bag, according to the lawsuit.

Borger was the one to first spot the luggage.

“I knew exactly what it was when I saw it,” he told NBC News. “I was absolutely and utterly shocked and embarrassed and humiliated and I didn’t even know what to do at the time.”

Onlookers began laughing when they saw the bag, causing the men severe emotional trauma, according to the lawsuit.

Bridgeman speculated an airline employee went through the bag — which was closed with a simple zipper — found the sex toy, saw that it belonged to a man and decided to humiliate the owner.

“I absolutely, fervently believe that this was intentional,” Bridgeman, 34, told NBC News. “It was very sick and it was very wrong and it was just maliciously taped to the top and targeted because we’re gay.”

Why someone opened the bag in the first place is not clear, said Harry Scarborough, the couple’s attorney. He didn’t know whether the bag was X-rayed at the airport in Houston, but if it was, the sex toy would have been visible, he added.

The airline’s employees had a duty to prevent the bag from being put on display “in such an extremely offensive condition,” according to the lawsuit.
Bridgeman and Borger said they reported the incident to United Continental after the flight, but weren’t satisfied with the response.

The airline countered that it offered the men a gesture of goodwill, which they declined, spokeswoman Christen David said.

Scarborough said the offer didn’t begin to address what his clients had been through. He declined to estimate how much money the couple is seeking from the airline, but the lawsuit is requesting mental anguish damages, attorney fees and expenses and other compensation.

The couple doesn’t travel much anymore because of the psychological impact of the incident, Scarborough said.

“A gesture of goodwill” = Weekend at Fire Island.

Yeah, I can see why they might take issue with that.

While I’m sure the high school dropout who pulled the prank thought he (no way a woman did this) was being funny as heck, the fact is all this does is reinforce the belief that inbreeding is bad.

Well, in that case, at least something good came out of this mess.

Discurso eletrico / Eletric speech from Angelo Luz on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I have gotten into trouble for doing lots of stupid things in my life. Much to the chagrin of my biographer, I have no one to blame but myself. I was awake and, reasonably, in control of my senses. When I was busted having sex on top of a cop car, I was lucid. Horny? As a bunny in April. But still lucid. When I decided to hop a freight to Minnesota to see a girl? Sorry, still lucid. When I realized I’d hopped the wrong one and was on my way to St. Louis? Irked beyond belief, but still lucid. When I decided to get my first tattoo from a strange biker I’d met at a party? Okay, I was a little out of it, but still coherent enough to know right from wrong. Long story short I may not have always made a good decision but at least I made one. The results are simply the results. But what about those people who, for one reason or another have decisions made for them while they’re asleep?

Like Joshua Shelton who killed 70,000 chickens while snoozing.

No, I am not making this up.

A man wandering around a Delmar, Md., poultry farm in a drunken stupor turned off the power to three chicken houses, causing the deaths of nearly 70,000 chickens, sheriff’s officials said.

The property owner who made the grisly discovery found the man, identified as Joshua D. Shelton, 21, of Delmar, Md., passed out on the floor of the power control shed, wearing only a T-shirt and boxer shorts.

“This subject was also lying in a pool of his own urine. A strong odor of alcohol was also coming from the subject,” Wicomico County sheriff’s Lt. Tim Robinson said in a press release.

“Shelton advised the last thing he remembered was being on the property after a nearby concert but did not know how he ended up in the shed. The deputy surmised that in his intoxicated state, Shelton turned off the circuit breakers that controlled the electricity to the chicken houses,” Robinson said.

Shelton was arrested and booked into jail on charges of second-degree burglary, trespass and malicious destruction of property.

The property owner discovered the dead chickens Saturday morning. He told investigators that without power, the chickens will begin to die within 15 minutes. The birds, which were due to be delivered to a local processing plant the following day, were valued at $20,000.
Watch the most-viewed videos on NBCNews.com

Allen Farms, which was going to process the birds, estimated its loss at $220,000, said sheriff’s Chief Deputy Gary Baker.

Shelton had been at the owner’s property the previous evening with a group of people that included the owner’s daughter, Baker said.

“The daughter thought he left, but instead he wandered into the shed where all the power controls and breakers were and turned it off,” Baker told NBC News on Tuesday.

“Quite frankly, he was probably in a condition where he really didn’t know what he was doing,” Baker said.

“The theory is that he may have been in there looking for a light switch,” Robinson told DelmarvaNow.com.

Baker said he’s heard of flocks of chickens dying due to natural occurrences such as drought and heat waves, “but never anything like this manmade that we can remember.”

Bill Satterfield, executive director of Delmarva Poultry Industry Inc., a local trade group, said he was surprised by news of the poultry caper.

“I have never heard of a drunkard going in and killing chickens,” he told DelmarvaNow.com. “This is a new one on me, and it’s unfortunate that it occurred.”

You know when you wake up in a pool of your own urine surrounded by cops and dead chickens you have a story that will survive your pitiful lifespan. Unless you’ve been paying attention here.

Of course not every sleeping person causes death and destruction. Some just end up naked and wet on a beach.

You may have heard about the 31-year-old Idaho woman who last week woke up after “sleep swimming” in the Snake River. She was found, suffering from hypothermia, along the shore. It was the second time she’d done it this summer.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Sure, we’ve all heard of bizarre cases of “sleep driving” and “sleep eating” and even “sleep sex,” but sleep swimming? In a cold river? (I’ve been in the Snake River in Idaho, and I can tell you, it’s cold.) Surely, even if you could walk to the river in your sleep, that first splash of icy water would wake you.

Not necessarily.

The problem with that popular notion, explained Dr. Mark Mahowald, visiting professor at Stanford University’s parasomnia clinic (parasomnia refers to sleep disorders involving behavior), is that “sleep” doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing affair.

Parts of your brain can be “asleep” while other parts are “awake.” Brain regions, mainly the frontal cortex, responsible for self-control, reasoning and laying down memories can be happily snoozing while parts of the deep brain, like the stem, can be “awake.”

Because deep brain regions have been equipped with what Mahowald calls “central pattern generators,” patterns of physical acts, something like one of those dance steps instructors lay down on a floor, “you can have somebody who is sleepwalking, and be capable of performing extremely complex behaviors.”

He likens it to a chicken that goes under the hatchet and then starts running around, headless, through the barnyard. The chicken doesn’t have any brain at all, and yet, because its spinal cord has complex pattern generators in it, the chicken runs.

“In humans,” he explained, “there is good evidence that complex behaviors like running, screaming, shouting, sex acts, are all pre-packaged central pattern generators,” either learned or instinctive, that are let loose while the rational brain is sleeping.

You’d have to know how to swim in order to swim in your sleep, of course — you can’t just start playing Chopin in your sleep if you don’t already know how — but this explains why people can drive, sometimes long distances, and not recall ever doing it.

People have actually committed murder while sleeping, as documented on a website run by Mahowald and colleagues.

The cold water of a river wouldn’t necessarily wake the sleeper because sleep is like being in a state of anesthesia. We tend not to feel pain or discomfort while sleeping, only after the event is over.

“We had a case in Minnesota where a guy sleep walked outside, at 20 below zero, and sustained incredible frostbite on his feet,” Mahowald recalled. “He wasn’t aware until he woke up and saw the blisters.”

The causes of sleep walking vary, but may have a genetic component, explained Dr. Steven Poceta, a neurologist affiliated with the Scripps Clinic Sleep Center in San Diego who has documented cases of sleep eating, driving, and cooking among other behaviors.

While science hasn’t figured out why many children sleep walk, but outgrow it, it does appear that the habit can return during times of stress. “That’s a very common scenario,” Poceta said.

Sleep deprivation caused by apnea, or restless leg syndrome, can lead to sleepwalking. So can drugs like zolpidem (Ambien), which became infamous for leading to sleep eating. As for how often that happens, Poceta said, “we think it is more common than is fully appreciated.”

I knew a young lady, back when it legally and morally acceptable for me to do so, who was wildly sexual when asleep but, when awake, was a prude. I didn’t know, the first ten or so times, that she was sound asleep until one morning I asked where she’d learned a certain trick and she nearly fainted from embarrassment. She had no memory of the event but realized it explained certain things.

She sought medical help and cut me off.

Oh well, que sera sera.

But this next story seems a touch extreme. I’ve heard of “kiss the girl and make her cry” but not “kiss the sleeping girl and sign a lifetime commitment contract in front of a kazillion witnesses.”

A fairy-tale-inspired art exhibit gives men who consider themselves regular Prince Charmings a chance to kiss real-life sleeping beauties — that is, if they’re ready for a lifelong commitment.

Yes, there’s a catch for both the beauties and Charmings that participate in Taras Polataiko’s live art installation at the National Art Museum of Ukraine. The women — the main stars of Polataiko’s effort — are put on display as they “sleep” for three days. The men are then allowed to steal a kiss from one of the snoozers. But before the slumber and kisses, there’s an all-important contract.

“Everybody, any viewer, will have to sign the contract, which says, ‘If’ — this is very important, because nobody has to — ‘If I kiss the beauty and she opens her eyes while being kissed, I marry her,'” Polataiko recently told The Telegraph.

Likewise, according to a press release for the exhibit, the beauties sign a form that states, “If I open my eyes while being kissed, I agree to marry the kisser.”

While Polataiko originally feared that no viewer-suitors would participate, there’s been no shortage so far. And some brave would-be princes have even risked a wake-up with a smooch.

“I wanted to feel that girl,” one kisser told The Telegraph. “I wanted to feel her with my heart, but I didn’t feel anything.”

As for the woman he kissed, she’s confident the art effort doubles as an earnest search for love.

“If it’s my true love, I will feel it on an intuitive level,” she explained to the paper. “Secondly, if I don’t feel it, I won’t open my eyes. Anything can happen in life, and suddenly it’s fate. What if it’s the only way I’ll meet my soul mate?”

But now she may be asking herself, “What if it’s not?”

“The show will end the moment the Beauty opens her eyes,” teased the press release. But that hasn’t happened for any of the beauties yet, so the show goes on — at least until its scheduled end on Sept. 9.

Women dig that fantasy crap. White horse, knight in shining armor and so on just lead them to think that 50 Shades of Grey could happen to them. Pretentious British spelling and all.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a little spice here and there. But there needs to be some balance. At some point you have a life to lead. And, be honest, do you really want to live it as a submissive princess living out your days selling bicycles?

Best Bike Rental (Director’s version) . from Stason bros. on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

You’re looking at the pic to the left and wondering what the hell I have to pay to get a grown woman to pose like that. You’ll be pleased to know the answer is nothing. She posted that image all by herself. It seems she lives in Montana and her image has even been used to explain how Indonesian men can be seduced by cows. Udderly ridiculous you say? Sadly, no. It seems there is a whole sub-genre of humanity that finds bovines beautiful. Considering we live in a country where bestiality is legal in 22 states; Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia and Wyoming, for those planning a vacation, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Montana does have a law on the books prohibiting sex with animals, but it includes homosexuals in the list of undesirable beasts. And, as written, seems to provide for situations where innocent people are seduced by animals. See Indonesia for reasons why. No one has challenged the constitutionality of the Montana law. Legal experts say that’s because no one in Montana is actually aware what a constitution is or what it provides for. There’s a whole lot of home schooling going on out there.

Montana has some other laws on the books that are head scratchers as well.

1) It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperon.

2) It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

3) It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

4) In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

5) It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.

6) Prostitution is considered a “crime against the family.”

Okay, I can see valid reasons for #1 having been to Montana in my lifetime. #2 makes sense when I’m angry at my ex but not outside of that. #3 is funny. Some of the most violent movies in history have been filmed, and are still being filmed, in Montana. As to #4, why? Good luck enforcing #5. #6 may be the only one that makes sense.

In other cow related news in Montana it seems that bovines are attacking humans and hospitalizing them. Police in Billings were finally compelled to use lethal force to stop a mooing terrorist.

A Montana man suffered broken bones and sore ribs after being pummeled by a 1,200-pound black Angus cow that ran amok through downtown Billings on Tuesday, the Billings Gazette reported.

Morgan Logan, 52, was released from the hospital Wednesday afternoon, a day after the cow ran through Billings for nearly two hours before being shot by police.

I’ve been around livestock my whole life, so at first sight I thought it was pretty funny seeing cops chase a cow down the street,” Logan told the newspaper. “But she was like a bull at a rodeo.”

Logan had been driving a gravel truck at the construction site where he works when he spotted police going after the animal and decided to help.

The cow escaped from the Public Auction Yards around 3 p.m. during unloading before going on a two-hour trek through the city’s downtown.

The paper reported the cow knocked over a cyclist, charged at pedestrians and nearly jumped over a police vehicle.

“It’s not like we are out in the pasture,” Lt. Kevin Iffland with the Billings Police Department said Wednesday. “This was a totally different scenario of asphalt and a lot of traffic. We are not equipped to wrangle large animals in a city environment.”

Logan said the cow charged at him “like a bull at a rodeo” from under a tree knocking him into the air.

“I couldn’t believe how fast she came out from under the tree,” Logan said. “I guess I saw her too late because the next thing I knew I was in the air. I had no fence to climb — she caught me right in the open.”

Police requested assistance from the state fish and wildlife parks office and the auction yard where the cow had escaped from.

Bob Gibson, communication and education program manager for Fish and Wildlife Parks, said they were unable to respond to the incident because the agency wouldn’t have been able to act fast enough.

“It’s not like we just go to the cupboard and pull out a dart gun and shoot,” Gibson said. “There are different drugs, concentrations and quantities that are all considerations when darting animals. Wardens do a lot of studying and environmental assessment ahead of time when tranquilizing an animal.

Eventually a police marksman was called and shot the cow through the heart, ending the the rampage. The cow was taken to a city landfill.

Landfill? In Montana? It’s Black Angus dudes, fire up a big grill and throw a party. Oh well, the cops must be home schooled too.

Yet another home grown genius in Montana is Randy Lee Tenley, who dressed up like Bigfoot and then got killed by a 17 year old girl.

Yes, it’s sad and, yes, I feel bad for the young lady and, yes, I laughed my ass off.

A 44-year old Kalispell man is dead after being hit on Highway 93 Sunday night. Troopers say Randy Lee Tenley was wearing an apparently store-bought ghillie suit when two vehicles struck him.

A ghillie suit is a type of three-dimensional camouflage, sometimes worn by military snipers. The suits are available online and at hunting shops. Troopers say the get-up played a big role in his death. They say he was in the right-hand lane of Highway 93 South when a 15-year old Somers girl hit him.

“He probably would not have been very easy to see at all,” said Montana Highway Patrol Trooper Jim Schneider.

Another car swerved, and a third car, troopers say driven by a 17-year old Somers girl, ran him over.

“It appears the pedestrian was well into the driving lane,” said Schneider. Officials closed Highway 93 for two hours on Sunday night, as firefighters directed traffic and officers investigated. What they found is troubling.

“According to his companions, he was out there in the ghillie suit attempting to incite a sighting of Bigfoot, to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.

But, dispatchers received no calls of the sort, just the one that sent emergency crews rushing to the scene. Sunday night’s investigation is ongoing. Troopers say Tenley likely drank alcohol yesterday, but they’re still waiting on toxicology results to see if he was impaired.

Oh, I’m guessing he was close to sober. Ghillie suits are tough to put on in the best of situations, drunks are probably not going to be able to make it work. And, yeah, it sucks for that kid to have killed a guy but, from her point of view, she hit a shrub that fell on the highway.

No word on whether they threw the ghillie suit in the landfill as well.

Talkin Sasquatch Blues from Trevor Knapp Jones on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Back on April 24, 2011, I wrote about the possibility of human immortality. Some of the stuff that was being talked about then was pretty interesting, at least in the abstract. Scientists noted that sea squids and starfish, two asexual species, passed along 100% of their genetic code. In that way their consciousness lives forever even if the vessel of their consciousness (a/k/a body) doesn’t. Which then opens up another can of worms, also an immortal asexual creature since it replaces itself one segment at a time. What, when all is said and done, makes us us? Are we only mental beings who can transfer our selves from vessel to vessel or do we require those vessels to complete us? Later, on December 13, I noted that scientists had prolonged the life span of some C-elegans (a mortal type of worm) to 70 days from 14. If that ratio held for humans we would be talking about 500 year old people. That doesn’t even begin to discuss the research done on the telomerase enzyme. Simply put, take the enzyme away (as nature does over time) and the mice age and die. But, even if it is missing and the mice are closer to mouse heaven than they would prefer, put it back in and the mice revert back to their youthful, healthy, selves. In other words, goodbye aging.

Yeah, those dudes and dudines are getting some serious funding.

Now Jesus Diaz, no relation to his namesake, is reporting that scientists have figured out a way to turn back the clock to when we were 6 day old ….. embryos.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins have discovered an efficient and totally safe method to turn adult blood cells “all the way back to the way [they were] when that person was a 6-day-old embryo.” The discovery could be the key to cure the incurable—from heart attacks to severed spinal cord to cancer—and open the door, some day, to eternal youth.

Scientists believe that stem cell therapy could change medicine forever. However, these therapies are impossible to implement on a large scale because you can’t acquire embryonic stem cells without having to use actual human embryos—an extremely controversial undertaking. The alternative has always been to use the stem cells found in umbilical cords—which is why rich people use umbilical cord storage facilities to guarantee future treatments for their kids—or use viruses to reprogram adult cells. These viruses can successfully return adult cells to their stem cell state, but the procedure opens the door to numerous complications as a result of potential DNA mutations. And those mutations could lead to cancer.

But this new method changes everything. To start with, it uses normal adult blood cells from the patient, so there’s not need to keep umbilical cords in storage. It also doesn’t use any virus reprogramming, so it’s completely safe. It’s also very efficient: researchers successfully transformed about 50 to 60 percent of adult blood cells into embryonic stem cells that can then be turn into any type of cell—a heart muscle cell, a bone cell, a nerve cell, anything.

How it works
Described in the August 8 issue of the journal Public Library of Science, the rejuvenating method uses plasmids, DNA molecules that are usually present in bacteria and eukaryotic organisms. These plasmids can replicate themselves independently from the chromosomal DNA, disappearing after they complete their function.

Using electrical pulses, the researchers opened holes in the membrane of blood cells extracted from a patient’s spinal cord. They used these tiny holes to inject plasmids loaded with four genes, programmed to make the cells revert to a primitive state. After the plasmids completed their function, they cultivated the cells with irradiated bone-marrow cells. Seven to 14 days later, the cultivated cells magically turned to embryonic stem cells.

The team is now evaluating the quality of these cells, but the potential to accelerate current and future stem cell treatments like never before is nothing sort of miraculous. By getting rid of all the barriers to entry, medical researchers could experiment at a faster pace. And once new therapies are in place, everyone on the planet would be able to receive self-transplants of embryonic cells to cure diseases, fix spinal cords or eye nerves, and rejuvenate organs by renewing tissues without rejection risks or any other side effect. Hypothetically, if you’re able to perpetually fix any part of your body, there’s no reason you wouldn’t be able to live as long as you wanted.

We are not there yet, of course, but the path is more open and wider than ever. More importantly, this makes the whole political debate about embryonic stem cells absolutely pointless.

Once more, the future is not arriving soon enough.

Oh, I don’t know. It seems to be coming up pretty fast if you ask me. In less than 48 months scientists have gone from some specious contemplation of asexuality as a possible means of human procreation to seeing tangible results that aging is a process which can be controlled and, quite possibly, stopped.

If they succeed that’s gonna mess up a ton of wedding vows, don’t you think?

Wanna Live Forever? Become A Noun from NPR on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

What an amazing convergance we are witnessing. A tropical storm, and possible hurricane, named after notorious left wing loony Ted Lange’s famous bartender. As is well known Ted’s won awards for supporting crazy crap like equal rights and froo-froo intellectualism with his ongoing teaching of Shakespeare. Like anyone reads any more. What a bunch of silliness. Anyway, as Isaac barrels towards Tampa police realized they had a couple of problems; (1) where to put all the left wing loonies, like Ted, after they get arrested and what to do about ugly whores. After all, there are God-fearing Republicans coming to town. They have jobs and money so there can’t be any ugly whores cluttering up the festivities. Fortunately for all Americans, Tampa police are well prepared for all such contingencies.

Left wing lunatics invading your fine city? Not a problem, just empty the jails of the hardened criminals and use the beds for the tourists.

No, I am not making this up. Adam Peck of ThinkProgress has the odd story.

Thousands of Republicans from around the country will descend upon Tampa, Florida next week for the Republican National Convention, and if recent history is any guide, so too will hundreds of protesters.

To prepare, Hillsborough County Sheriff David Gee has ordered the Orient Road Jail, a 1,700 bed prison in Tampa, emptied, relocating some inmates to another nearby prison and releasing others on bond. The entire facility has been transformed into a one-stop booking, detention, and bond-issuance center capable of handling large numbers of arrests, which begs the question: will Tampa police keep demonstrators on a short leash?

Sheriff Gee says no, but also indicated in a letter posted on a county website that his department would have very little tolerance for anything more than chanting and holding up signs:

To the agitators and anarchists who want only to bring a dark cloud to this event, let me be clear: criminal activity and civil disturbances will not be tolerated and enforcement actions will be swift.

Four years ago, police in Minneapolis, Minnesota were criticized for their treatment of protesters and reporters covering the RNC, and were even forced to settle in an excessive force lawsuit. And in 2004, police in New York City were found to have been surveilling dozens of protest groups for months leading up to the RNC, even embedding undercover officers within several larger groups.

Why do I hear echoes of the 1968 Democratic convention?

“The policeman is not here to create disorder. The policeman is here to preserve disorder.”

I’m sure everything will be fine. Especially since Tampa strip clubs are hiring like maniacs and cops are rounding up the unapproved whores and strippers. Especially that real ugly one over 60 years old.

Really granny?

Tampa cops conducted a two-day sweep, dubbed “Keep it Clean,” to deter prostitution and human trafficking during the upcoming Republican National Convention, according to a news release from the Tampa Police Department.

Undercover officers conducted compliance checks at 12 adult establishments after receiving tips that hookers may be coming into Tampa to work in adult establishments during the RNC.

The operation netted a total of 16 women charged with Offering to Commit Prostitution from the following clubs: The Pink Pony (1), Alibi Lounge (4), Scarlett’s (3), Skin Tampa (4), Play Pen (3) and Emperor’s Club (1), according to the release.

The youngest, 18-year-old Dallas M. Boswell, of Auburndale, was busted at Skin Tamp; the oldest, Leslie Ann Herrin, 61, also known as Shawna, from Davenport, FL was busted at the Alibi Lounge.

61-years-old.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Please feel free to use the club names above to plan your vacation events. But make sure to leave time for THEE DOLL HOUSE, which will feature Sarah Palin.

Oops, I mean a Sarah Palin look-alike, doncha know.

Sarah Palin fans who are disappointed that the former vice presidential candidate won’t be speaking at the GOP convention in Tampa next month won’t be left hanging because her stripper look-alike will be entertaining hard-working Republicans at a local “gentleman’s club.”

WFLA learned last week that a “dead ringer” for Palin will stripping at Tampa’s Thee Doll House, only 5 miles from the the Tampa Bay Times Forum convention site.

Owners of Thee Doll House and 2001 Odyssey strip club both told the WFLA that they expect business to quadruple during the convention.

And that’s not a surprise because conservatives have a reputation for being great for the adult entertainment business.

“Hands down, the Republicans have always been our best customers,” Association of Club Executives Executive Director Angelina Spencer recently told WFAE. “We get clients from all walks of life, but for whatever reason… I have heard club owners say, ‘Boy, those Republicans really are great customers.’”

Newsweek‘s Peter Boyer reported last week that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney appeared poised to snub Palin at this year’s convention, leaving Palin supporters like The National Review‘s Rich Lowery without the eye candy they enjoyed when she was on the ticket during the last election.

“Palin too projects through the screen like crazy,” Lowry wrote in 2008. “I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, ‘Hey, I think she just winked at me.’”

“And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can’t be learned; it’s either something you have or you don’t, and man, she’s got it.”

But that’s then. What can God fearing Republicans do before they get to Tampa? Thaks to the nice people at the 2001 Odyssey Strip Club, they can go online with something safe like Facebook and talk to strippers directly so they can – ahem – make appointments.

Doncha know?

In a private room at the 2001 Odyssey strip club, dancers with names like Candy, Bella and Ferrari sit on a high-backed velvet bench and video chat with online customers from across the country. For a price, they’ll disrobe and move into an adjacent room to dance.

Web customers pay a monthly membership fee for these virtual interactions. And some of them, the club says, end up coming to Tampa for a trip inside the spaceship-topped nude club on N Dale Mabry Highway where they can visit the strippers in person.

By August — just in time for the Republican National Convention — operators of Club Cam Systems plan to roll out similar ventures at two other Tampa adult clubs. Their goal: drum up thousands of dollars online while giving some of the estimated 50,000 GOP convention visitors a taste of the adult entertainment awaiting them when they arrive.

“For the RNC, people need places to go. We’re trying to create the awareness for people who come to Tampa that Tampa has a lot of things to do,” said Russ Bruno, an owner of Club Cam Systems.

It’s a true “hub and spoke” model of social media marketing that’s being synchronized just in time for arriving delegates, politicians, lobbyists and other tourists. Like other businesses pitching for convention visitors, the clubs are updating their Facebook pages and Twitter accounts to drive traffic to their websites, which drives foot traffic to the clubs.

“I think Tampa may be breaking new ground with this,” said Glen Gilmore, a consultant and digital marketing professor at Rutgers University. “It’s a dramatic shift in marketing, and I guess what’s happening in Tampa just reinforces the fact that traditional marketing is yielding to new media and new marketing.”

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The Odyssey’s journey into live streaming started about a decade ago but didn’t go far because of $110,000-a-month broadband costs and dial-up customers who wondered why “the girl hasn’t moved in 25 minutes,” said Don Kleinhans, a club co-owner.

“Technology has now caught up,” he said.

In the 5,113-square-foot club, cameras are perched above the dressing room’s entrance watching the women apply makeup or change out of lingerie. Another sits above the main stage not far from neon signs hailing the “Make It Rain Machine.”

Controlled by an ATM-like kiosk, the Make It Rain Machine allows customers online and in the club to drop as much as $2,000 in dollar bills from 2001’s ceiling onto dancers. Rolling thunder accompanies the lucrative storm while the DJ announces the rainmaker’s name and dedication. Performers can be tipped over the Web.

The cameras are tightly focused on the stage and patrons are never shown.

Tucked away behind a frosted glass door is the “Studio,” where strippers video chat offstage with customers who pay a $19.95 monthly membership fee to access the site. For another $4 a minute, they can ask for a personal striptease. Many of the club’s 300 dancers have profiles that inform viewers when their favorite entertainer is online.

Some strippers believe this “virtual club” is the answer for politicians who come to town and are scared of being seen in the club.

The service also draws clients into the Odyssey in person. That’s what club operators are hoping happens during the RNC. “People coming down for the RNC can log in online and see what’s going on at the club so they can bring parties to the club during the convention,” Bruno said.

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Club Cam Systems, developed at 2001 Odyssey with its club owners staking a claim, is now being sold worldwide. The Mons Venus, the Odyssey’s longtime rival across the street, hopes to have its Club Cam system operating by next month, said Toni Derby, director of operations. It will not include video chat services because the 3,100-square-foot club doesn’t have enough room for a Web studio.

At the 2001, the club’s staff stays tethered to laptops to monitor, chat and keep the Web operation running. In an instant, they can access the club’s Facebook and Twitter accounts, and post updates and tweets to thousands of followers. It’s a direct-marketing tool club operators will aim at conventiongoers using political keywords and hashtags to draw them in.

When they leave, Kleinhans hopes, visitors will go home with beach memories, a souvenir or two and a membership in the virtual club to “stay in touch” with some of the people they’ve met.

Republicans love pen pals. Pen pals are a pure example of American history done right. Charlie Brown had a pen pal. Well, he tried. He ended up having a pencil pal. Which, when I was a kid, was one of the saddest things I ever read.

Republicans also love strippers. And, if a high quality news source like The Onion can be believed, they are quite fond of gay prostitutes too.

Although, to be fair, it seems that Democrats are fond of barely legal gay prostitutes as well.

Maybe that can be the tie that binds and gets them talking to each other.

“Senator? Have you tried Gary over on G Street? No? What a shame. He does this wonderful flippy thing with his tongue … By the way, do you have some time Saturday to go over the budget?”

Until then, how about some socially acceptable Duran Duran with traditional naked women and body oils?

Duran Duran “Girls on Film” Uncensored from Resistol 5000 on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.