Not the Brightest Lights in God’s Chandelier

Fun with stupid!
There is something to be said for thinking things through. Granted, we are all occasionally guilty of a bad idea or two. That tri-colored haircut in the 80’s, your attempt to be cool and grunge after you got an accounting degree and so on. But, while embarrassing, they are usually relegated to the “lesson learned” bin and only brought out when people who love you dearly want to make fun of you. In other words, around once a month. Twice on holidays. There are others who walk among us who set the bar a little higher, or lower – depending on your point of view, and demand not only to be noticed for their stunning level of stupid but somehow lauded as well. People like Rodney Dwayne Valentine who served his time and was released from jail. But he wanted a ride to the local hotel. They told him to take a cab. He refused and was …. wait for it …. jailed for refusing to leave jail. That would be funny if it …. no, wait, it’s funny.

Cops in Pennsylvania are laughing at the mom who broke into a school computer to alter grades for her kids.You’ll have to read to find out why.

I think most parents want their kids to get good grades, and I had assumed that most parents wanted their kids to earn those grades.

But I stand corrected as a Pennsylvania mother is accused of hacking into her kids’ school computer system to change their grades.

According to UPI , this mom was actually a former employee of the school district in question. She allegedly used the superintendent’s login and passwords to view district emails and personnel files and to alter her own children’s grades.

She was charged with three counts each of unlawful use of a computer and computer trespassing, all of which are felonies.

Court records indicated her daughter went from a failing grade to a “medical exception” while her son’s grade of 98 percent climbed a point to 99 percent.

I bet her son is furious. He presumably worked hard to earn the 98%, and she hacked in to up it to a 99%?!

Way to set a good example for your kids lady.

Why not go whole hog and give the kid 100%? Oh, wait, it’s because she’s dumb.

Cops in Gainsville Florida also found out that the dumb walk among us. A guy got drunk and locked himself out of his apartment. Or so he thought.

When someone gets drunk and loses their keys, the least they could do is have the decency to break into their own apartment.

But I guess this guy from Florida didn’t get the memo.

According to Gainesville.com , this 25-year-old went out for a night of drinking he came back to his apartment complex and couldn’t find his keys, so he smashed out a window in apartment 527. The big problem here is that he lives in apartment 427.

He went inside, set down his phone and took off his shoes. Meanwhile the two people who actually lived in the apartment were hiding in a back room calling police.

Our guy was arrested and charged with criminal mischief and trespassing.

Speaking of Florida, you’re going to love this story. It’s got all your favorite elements; WalMart, shoplifting, stupid sisters and a baby.

Allison Niemeyer’s first bad decision was allegedly plotting to rob a Walmart. Her second bad decision was bringing her baby along. But the third was truly the charm: Seems the Florida 19-year-old and her sister, 22, are accused of stuffing some clothes into the infant’s diaper bag Friday, Central Florida News reports. Upon exiting the store, the sisters were asked to return by a loss prevention officer—and police say Niemeyer ran away, leaving her son with her sister.

Then her sister, too, allegedly fled, leaving the boy—and the $57.12 worth of merchandise. The sisters were picked up by a getaway van, but were later arrested at a dance club, the Gainesville Sun reports. Niemeyer was already on house arrest until 2021 because of a home invasion robbery involving a gun, which happened while she was pregnant. Niemeyer’s baby is with the Department of Children and Families.

Yep, even in Florida they frown on that level of narcissistic stupidity.

This next lovely story tells why some days all cops need to do is sit around and fill in the paperwork after the criminals toss themselves into jail.

According to an al.com report , Timothy Tressler, 41, of Oneonta, Ala., was arrested last Friday after setting up a drug deal with a Jefferson County Sheriff’s deputy over the phone.

Tressler dialed up his drug dealer, Jonell White, seeking a gram of heroin but White wasn’t picking up the phone. After ringing him up several times, he finally got White on the phone or so he thought.

After being stopped by police for an equipment violation on his 26-year-old Ford F-150 (shocker), White was arrested for possession of marijuana and trafficking heroin. During his arrest, officers noticed his cell phone being blown up and using their common sense, they assumed that somebody was itching for some of White’s now confiscated drugs. So they decided to kill two birds with one stone.

One of the deputies finally answered Timmy’s call, and the fix was in. How Tressler didn’t know the difference in the deputy’s voice and that of White’s is laughable, but I guess that’s what heroin does to people.

Tressler asked the deputy to meet him at a tattoo shop with a “G”, or gram, of heroin and the kind officer was happy to oblige, kind of. Upon their arrival, cops arrested Timmy and found him to have two outstanding warrants for missing court appearances to face first degree theft charges. Bamboozled and booked, he is now stuck in the county slammer without bond.

Not a bad day’s work for the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department.

You and I both know that this guy’s contact list is now being vetted by the cops and that there will be several more geniuses visiting the local jail.

“Hey Scooter, wanna G?”

“Who’s this?”

“Bob, Jonell’s cousin.”

“Oh, okay, you sound legit.”

Bear Hands // “Crime Pays” from Cantora Records on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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