Floridumb

Or not, we're really not that picky.
I once received a very angry email about something I’d written here concerning a citizen of the great state of Florida. It contained the usual death threats and verbiage about my parental units. But what was funny about it is that this person had gotten what I’d written 100% wrong. I’d said no such thing. So, I calmly sent this person a link to the original article, noted the part he had wrong and moved on. I received a response that didn’t apologize but admitted he might have overreacted. I couldn’t help myself so I wrote back that it wasn’t a problem and I would type slower in the future so this person could follow along as well. He wrote me back and thanked me for that courtesy.

Dear God they get dumber by the nanosecond, don’t they?

I recently wrote about people who publicly masturbate in Florida. Because just posting on Facebook isn’t sharing enough. Well, now, Sarasota police report that a nice man had to share his personal moment with four young girls and a cop.

It was no day at the beach for this vacationing law enforcement officer.

Deputies busted Joshua Anthony McClure, 41, for lewd conduct in front of young children at Siesta Key Beach on Tuesday, according to a news release from the Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office.

A law enforcement officer who was visiting the beach from from Indiana reportedly saw McClure put his hand down his pants for about 5-minutes before exposing himself and masturbating as he sat on the beach — in plain sight of him and four young girls ranging in age from 5 to 16-years-old.

When the out-of-state officer confronted McClure and showed him his badge, McClure, who is homeless, then left the area on a bicycle. Deputies located McClure a short time later and witnesses identified him as the alleged diddler on the beach.

McClure appeared to be under the influence of alcohol and a deputy found a glass smoking pipe with burnt residue inside his shorts pocket, according to an arrest affidavit.

Ah yes, the joys of smoking crack, whacking off on a beach and then going to jail. It almost sounds like a planned vacation in Florida.

But, if you are going on vacation in Florida don’t forget to molest the TSA officer. After all, fair is fair.

It took a jury only 20-minutes to convict Carol Jean Price, 59, of battery against a TSA supervisor, according to The News-Press in Fort Myers.

Price, of Bonita Springs, told the jury: “She (the supervisor) just took the palm of her hand and went up my leg — front, back, right leg, left leg — and touched my genitals…up into my buttocks.”

The supervisor tearfully told the jury: “She threw her stuff on the table and grabbed me and rammed her hand into my pubic bone.”

Who needs XXX movies? Just grab a seat at your nearest airport near security.

First of all Skippy, if your genitals run all the way up into your buttocks, you need to consider a new career in the adult entertainment industry. Not many people are that flexible. If Octomom can make a living doing it there’s nothing stopping you.

Our next story has almost everything you could want in a story about Florida. It’s got a convicted felon, a WalMart and kiddy porn. Oh, and naturally, “in public” and “on a cell phone” will be noted.

Registered sex offender Alan Robert Johnson, 33, was arrested — along with Jennifer A. Sparks, 37 — after customers allegedly found pictures of a naked man and woman, as well as pictures of naked toddlers’ genitalia on their phone, which they had inadvertently left at a Cape Coral Walmart, reports The News-Press in Fort Myers.

Cops were able to trace the phone to Johnson, whose Facebook page reportedly displayed some of the same photos found on the cell phone.

Detectives then found pics and videos of the couple engaging in oral sex and lewd molestation with a 4-year-old girl at their residence, according to the report.

This is a state with the death penalty for double parking and these tools are walking around WalMarts? Well, at least they’re off the streets now.

And, with the streets a little emptier it seemed like a good time for Cindy Sheik to hire a cab to rob a Quicki-Mart.

How much could go wrong here? You’re going to be amazed.

FloriDUH tip: A taxi is not the best choice for a getaway car.

At around 11:04 p.m. on Saturday, Cynthia P. Sheik arrived in a taxi to the Race Track store in Port Charlotte before allegedly going into the store and demanding the clerk give her cash from the register, according to a news release from the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office.

The clerk handed her $320.

While this hold-up was taking place the cabbie outside had a sense that Sheik might skip out on her fare so he asked a Punta Gorda cop, who was conducting a traffic stop nearby, to help him collect the fare from the woman, the report stated.

As soon as the 32-year-old woman took the cash the store’s hold- up alarm was triggered and the clerk dialed 911. While the clerk was providing the dispatcher with information, the clerk noticed the Punta Gorda cop out in the parking lot by the cab.

When Shiek fled into the parking, she was confronted by the cop about her fare. The clerk then ran outside and reported the robbery to the cop, according to the release.

Deputies then arrived to investigate the robbery. The money stolen was recovered, Sheik was arrested without incident, and no one injured during the robbery.

Sheik was charged with robbery/grand theft.

That’s like seeing ten pounds of stupid wrapped in a five found bag. Well, since we’re on the subject of WalMarts, let’s head down to Jacksonville where over 300 morons terrorized one.

Flash mobs are known across the United States as a group of people dancing, having fun and enjoying themselves while entertaining others.

However, the Walmart off Lem Turner Road in Jacksonville fell victim to a mob of 300 people who entered the store and destroyed the security system as well as some merchandise.

According to a police report, the group destroyed an electronic anti-shop lifting security scanner that costs about $1,500. The police report also stated the massive crowd could have arrived at the store after a party that was broken up on Sampson Road.

YouTube video showed the teens throwing food and merchandise around the store.

Channel 4 crime analyst Ken Jefferson said any sort of crime where there’s hundreds of people involved is a dangerous situation.

“You’ve got a large number of people going and coming at the same time they are throwing produce,” Jefferson said. “They are stealing items, they are all over the store. You can imagine how fearful the customers were who were in there at that particular time.”

Police did not make any arrests after the mob of people took over the store. If caught, these teens could face criminal charges.

The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office said incident remains under investigation.

Okay, let’s review. The cops know where the idiots came from since they busted the party earlier. The idiots did, at least $1,500 in damage (i.e., $5 per person) and they could all go to jail. Which, since some of this was caught on video, some of them will.

So, Scooter, was it worth to do hard time in a state where prison conditions are barbaric just so you could do $5 worth of damage?

I’d guess not but I’m not a Floridian so I couldn’t say.

Oh well, as long as we’ve got cops at WalMart the world is still safe. Right?

Oh hell no.

Lee County Deputy Patrick Heinz Milosevic has been fired following an investigation that found he was under the influence of a controlled substance — for which he did not have a prescription — and driving a marked sheriff’s office patrol car when he was involved in a crash in the parking lot of the North Fort Myers Walmart, reports The News-Press in Fort Myers.

Milosevic, 31, who was off-duty at the time, crashed the patrol car into a parked car and then tried to flee the scene after the accident, according to the report.

Investigators said the levels of the drug found in his system were consistent with prescription drug abuse.

Just FYI, all marked patrol cars have rifles and other weapons in them. So this could have been a lot worse.

My question is “How did a guy ripped on meds get the keys to a patrol car in the first place?”

That is also my second question and so on until I get a legitimate answer.

Florida Young Naturists NAKED Spring Bash 2012 from FYN on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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