Not the Best Planned Life

Mommy's like the Yellow pages, she lets her fingers do the walking.
There are some people riding around on this planet of ours who defy logic. I’m not just talking about the fun ones earn the occasional, and well deserved, Darwin Award. Nor am I speaking of those enlightened few who still think the world is flat. They don’t believe in time zones. Or weather. No, those people are, while hysterically funny to read about, very much the minority. They pose no danger to anyone but themselves and those stupid enough to be in the immediate vicinity. I’m not even all that concerned with the large number of people who believe in voodoo, astrology, ghost hunting, dowsing and witchcraft, often all at once. While their numbers are larger they are still too stupid to worry about since they tend to be very insular and offer nothing to the world around them. That would be the world you and I live in. People sometimes get mad at me when I say stuff like that but I ask you, name one useful contribution any of the aforementioned beliefs have made. Voodoo (or vudu if you prefer), nothing. Astrology? Nope, nothing there. Ghost hunting. BWAH HA HA HA … Dowsing? Millions of people in parched lands are still waiting for any help from that end. Witchcraft? Well, okay, it inspired Charmed and that was a guilty pleasure of mine for years. Still and all, not much there.

But as odd as those people may be I still think they pale in comparison to Nadya Suleman a/k/a Octomom. Minus the meth she is the poster child for bad life choices. Her ex-husband is not the father of any of her 14 kids. Her parents want to help but there are limits to human endurance. Now, for reasons that have to do with money and nothing else, she is making forays into porn and dance music.

Thanks be to God they’re not at the same time.

Let’s start with the porn.

Masturbation is a touchy subject, which is why “Octomom” Nadya Suleman avoided it for all of her life.

But her debut in a recent self-pleasuring porn video turned Octomom into something of an advocate and she hopes that future generations can handily avoid her mistake.

She shares the same opinion as former Surgeon General Dr. Jocelyn Elders, who came under fire in 1994 for encouraging schools to teach masturbation.

“I believe it is in universities, but I think it should be incorporated into high schools as well,” she told The Huffington Post while on a class field trip to a children’s museum with her kids. “It’s natural.”

Suleman is putting her mouth where her money is. She recently released her first porn DVD, “Octomom: Home Alone,” and while she admits that her beleagured financial situation — which included filing for bankruptcy in May — was a major reason for doing the solo sex shoot, she is happy with the results.

“I’d be lying if I didn’t say generating revenue wasn’t a major reason why I did it, but I found the experience was empowering and liberating,” Suleman said. “This was a very different situation for me. I’ve been celibate for 13 years and avoiding my own sexuality.”

Suleman’s dad is an Iraqi Christian and she said she was raised to believe that sex — any kind of sex — was only proper in marriage, so she never engaged in mastubation at all.

“I channeled my energy into child rearing,” she said.

Suleman earned the “Octomom” nickname back in January, 2009, when she gave birth to octuplets after getting pregnant through in-vitro fertilization. She already had six others using that method.

But taking care of 14 kids doesn’t leave much time for personal reflection, so it’s kind of strange that she pitched the porn idea to Wicked Pictures, the company distributing the film.

“They were the only porn company who didn’t approach me to work for them, so that’s why I picked them,” she said.

But when it came time for Suleman to let her fingers do the walking on her own private parts, she was a little lost.

Luckily, she said, she got a metaphorical road map from porn actress Jessica Drake, a contract star at Wicked Pictures.

“She was like a professor to me,” Suleman confessed, before moving into another part of the museum so her kids wouldn’t hear her. “She was so patient and kind. I thought I was doing everything wrong.”

The results were much better than she expected and she has since become a convert to self-gratification.

“I never anticipated these results,” she said. “It was shocking!”

However, Suleman is keeping her new profession a secret from her vast pack of children.

“My oldest child is 11, but we don’t talk details,” she admitted. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Sex education wasn’t the only public policy issue on Suleman’s mind yesterday when she talked to HuffPost. She was enthusiastic about the Supreme Court’s ruling to uphold the Affordable Care Act.

With a huge family, she said her medical expenses were exorbitant.

“No one should pay a dollar for health care,” she said. “It’s imparative and a very important law — like the driver’s license. A lot will change with me. I’m spending up to $2,000 a month on health care.”

However, even if Suleman didn’t have to spend a dime on doctor visits for her massive brood, she said she’d probably still have done her recent porn video.

“I would’ve made the same decision,” she said. “I have more bills to pay than just health care.”

Well, yeah, I would guess that food and housing are on that list.

I have a question for the health care industry; how does a woman with no appreciable means of income and in the middle of a divorce qualify for in vitro fertilization? Especially when she already had six other kids.

Moving on. I am friends with Adam Barta. I have worked on videos and songs with him. We have laughed at each other jokes and had beers together in public. I feel safe in saying we’ve met. I also feel safe in saying that of all the people on the planet I expected to see him doing a duet with, Octomom wasn’t even in my top 100.

Yet, here she is.

First there was welfare, then there was porn. Now, Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, is hoping to make a splash in the world of pop music.

You can’t say she’s not ambitious!

The mom of 14 is featured in Adam Barta’s new song “Q&A” and is now planning a duet with Adam, due out this Summer.

“I am definitely not a singer,” she tells us exclusively. “But I love what they did with the video and I am very excited to do a duet with Adam because I love his music!”

She adds: “We have been talking about calling the next single ‘OctoBeats‘, my kids will love it”.

On her Octomom’s new gig, Adam says: “I love Nadya’s energy and the fact that she is so passionate about her life and her kids. Initially our amazing manager Gina suggested a fun, tongue in cheek cameo, but after talking to her we realized she might actually be able to pull off doing a track together with her unique voice! With Steve Migliore on board who produced my last top 20 Billboard (club) hit, I think we can strike gold and deliver fans of mine and hers something to jam to. I think people will be surprised what she turns out!”

But first things, first… below we present you with the clip of Octomom dipping her toes into the world of music (keep an ear out around the 35-second mark ).

Octobeats? So guys can beat their meat to that Octobeat?

Sure. Why the freak not? At least she isn’t promoting dowsing.

Well, in a way, maybe she is.

Kathy Sledge ft. Adam Barta “Give Yourself Up” from syuji honda on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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