Archives for July 2012

People are always surprised to find out that I love the Olympics. I seem more of a traditional sports kind of guy, baseball, football, etc. And I am. Those are my main loves. But once every four years the world goes bat-guano crazy over sports they know nothing about and it frees me up to sit at the other end of the bar and not be bothered. It’s like a vacation from idiots. People who can’t see their toes are suddenly experts on how to “stab a landing” in the vault event. People who need water wings to take a shower suddenly can tell you everything you never even cared to know about the butterfly stroke. Granted, there is a certain element of being trapped in a performance art piece that is kind of fun. But that wears thin as soon as some fool, usually emboldened by alcohol, tries to regale the crowd with the winner of the 1912 poetry Olympics – “O Sport, you are Beauty! … O Sport, you are Justice! … O Sport, you are Happiness! The body trembles in bliss upon hearing your call … ” – which makes sober people call for tranquilizer darts.

Most people know that the Olympics were begun in ancient Greece as a way to celebrate the ideal male. A man of great athletic prowess and intellect. The fact that the athletes were all naked and oiled as a tribute to the gods was not as innocent as many like to claim since Greeks liked gawking at naked people too and bisexuality was accepted. Obviously you have an odd beginning to the modern bromide of “excellence and purity of sport.”

Oh, and just for fun, you should know that some of the earliest prizes weren’t medals but women and livestock. And sometimes money.

But, what the heck, everything has to start somewhere.

After a minor hiatus of around 1,500 years, in 1870, a Frenchman named Pierre de Coubertin tried to revive the games. He gave this speech.

Let us export our oarsmen, our runners, our fencers into other lands. That is the true Free Trade of the future; and the day it is introduced into Europe the cause of Peace will have received a new and strong ally. It inspires me to touch upon another step I now propose and in it I shall ask that the help you have given me hitherto you will extend again, so that together we may attempt to realise [sic], upon a basis suitable to the conditions of our modern life, the splendid and benefvicent task of reviving the Olympic Games.

The French, whose army didn’t practice marching then because it made them sweat, yawned, shrugged and went out for more wine. This, by the way, was the reason France kept getting invaded and why Msr. Coubertin wanted them to get off their asses.

Even so, in 1892 79 countries got together and began the modern Olympics and, yes, France was one of them.

In an attempt to make the events more “fan friendly” and add a bit of spectacle in 1908 London held the first opening ceremonies ever. So, blame them for those bloated spectacles that have little to do with anything other than waste and excess.

Which brings us up to date. The basic form and structure of the games has changed little. Sure, there have been some minor sports changes. The New York Daily News ha a nice list of sports that no longer make the cut.

Since the modern Olympic Games kicked off in 1896, a few weird and wonderful sports have come and gone, from live bird shooting to solo synchronized swimming. Here is a glimpse at a few of the wackiest.

1. Tug of War – Dates played: from 1900 to 1920
This feat of strength worked like the classic playground game: two teams pulled a rope in opposite directions until the midpoint of the rope passed into the winning team’s territory.

2. Jeu de paume – Date played: 1908
The indoor precursor of tennis, jeu de paume was only included as a medal event at the 1908 Olympic Games in London, and only two countries competed, Great Britain and the US, with the latter taking home the gold.

3. Live pigeon shooting – Date played: 1900
When Paris hosted the 1900 Olympic Games, live pigeon shooting was a key event, with Belgium’s Leon de Lunden earning gold with 21 hits.

4. Long jump for horses – Date played: 1900
In this event, horses were the athletes with 17 competitors jumping for gold medal glory. Belgium’s Constant van Langendonck on the horse Extra-Dry earned the top prize with a distance of 6.1 m.

5. Rope climb – Dates played: 1896, 1904, 1906, 1924, 1932
Perhaps with the CrossFit fury, good old-fashioned rope climbing may once again appear at a future Olympics. Prior to being discontinued, the rope climb marked the final event of the gymnastics competition. While typically being judged on time to reach the top, in 1896, athletes were also judged on style.

6. Solo synchronized swimming – Dates played: 1984, 1988, 1992
Before catching on to the oxymoronic nature of this sport, individual athletes performed choreographed routines to music in the water, while synchronizing their moves to the music.

7. Swimming obstacle race – Date played: 1900
For the Paris Olympics, competitors had to climb over a pole, crawl over a row of boats, then swim under another row of boats against the current of the Seine.

I would like to see Michael Phelps try #7.

Okay, so we have a history of weird to work with here. The opening ceremonies this year added a new element that I had not considered; alien invasion.

Talk about an uninvited guest at the Olympics.

Friday night’s spectacular pyrotechnics display of the most watched opening ceremony in summer Olympics history attracted more than the eyes of over 40 million people. A clearly seen unidentified flying object was videotaped making its way over London’s Olympic stadium, reports Examiner.com.

The disc-shaped object is first seen entering the upper left portion of the video as the fireworks erupt over the stadium. The UFO — which appears to have a dome or bulge rising from its center — moves slowly across the sky as if deliberately observing the light-show spectacle below it.

While NBC Olympics — a division of NBC Sports — has chosen Goodyear blimps for all of its 2012 Olympics aerial coverage, the strange-looking object that appeared over the opening ceremonies doesn’t appear to be a blimp.

So what was it?

On an evening that included an apparent Queen Elizabeth and 007 agent James Bond parachuting out of a helicopter into the Olympics stadium, most people probably wouldn’t have been surprised if a staged UFO was also on the entertainment menu, just two weeks after the U.K. released its most recent batch of UFO documents.

Last month, former Ministry of Defense UFO desk officer Nick Pope suggested that a huge event like the London Olympic Games, could present itself as a prime target for otherworldly craft to show themselves to a gigantic viewing audience.

“With the summer of mass events, we are all on high alert for terrorism. But we must also cast our eyes further afield and be prepared for even the most seemingly unfathomable,” Pope said, according to PressTV.

Pope wrote earlier this year of a conspiracy theory rumor that suggested a fake alien attack would be staged at the London Olympics.

“A combination of special effects and holographic technology will be used to create the illusion of an alien invasion, the rumor claims,” Pope wrote on TruTV.com.

“If aliens have studied our psychology, they may choose to appear in our skies on a significant date — the closing ceremony of the Olympic Games is one date being widely circulated by conspiracy groups,” PressTV quoted Pope.

Maybe Friday night’s UFO appearance was a dress rehearsal.

A couple of things; (1) it is clearly a spotlight reflecting off a cloud and (2) Nick Pope is a moron.

I cannot emphasize #2 enough.

I have already dealt with the whole UFO conspiracy thing up here so I won’t belabor the point. Suffice it to say if you want to put people like Mr. Pope back under a rock just click on my link and grab some talking points.

It’s fun, you’ll like it.

As to the Olympics, feel free to join my end of the bar. I’ll even let you buy me a drink.

PORN StAr TheBody-XXX & Gemini LovellXXX in * C I G M * New Video ft @WodG26 @Team_Ockz & @BeanieSigelSP from Woodnites Entertainment on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I got a confusing email this morning. Since I’m not a dick I didn’t delete it or write something smarmy back to prove my superiority. Instead I asked for some clarification. I was glad I did. It turns out that the guy had wandered into Bewildering Stories’ web site and read my story And the Beat Goes Phut. What Google search got him from where he started to there is a mystery. Anyway it turns out that the guy was, is still I’d guess, a DJ. He was curious what drove me to make a DJ the main witness to the apocalypse. Since there is an actual story behind that I promised I’d answer him here and share with you. As some of you know I used to run a dance music label. One of our artists was DJ Russ Harris. He was wrapping up a divorce just as I was starting one. I wanted to blend him into one of my stories just because he’s a cool guy and a lot of fun to talk with. But I didn’t want his wife’s lawyer to be able to say something like “Sure, you go to church, own a solid business and love your family but you also know Bill McCormick so this court can never, ever, allow you to see your children again.” I like Russ so I changed the name of the DJ to Sparks. I forget why I chose that name. Of course, since Russ had been featured in DJ Times I had to give them a shout out too.

But this story almost stayed on my computer. And if it weren’t an exciting taco recipe it might have.

You see, prior to writing this I had been suffering writer’s block and was further brought low by severe constipation. My neighbor’s wife tried cooking a new meal and invited me over for a taste. I barely made it home in time, but I did make it. I later learned that her cooking ranges from “You may be poisoned” to “This may resemble food.” The meal in question was somewhere in the middle.

Nevertheless, as I was sitting there feeling as though some meth head was using a roto-rooter in my lower intestine, a story came to mind. It was fun, it was odd and it was dark. When I finally left the confines of my throne room I sat and wrote it in one take. It felt like it would be a successful short story. Rereading it later I realized it most certainly would. Since it already was. I had re-written Jerome Bixby’s masterpiece, It’s a Good Life. Oh, my version had a girl instead of a boy and a couple of other minor differences, but I would have gone to plagiarizer’s jail. There were, however, three small parts that were not in the original. I copied them into a text file, named it “Notes for Bill” and went back to my life.

Oh, yeah, I deleted the heck out of the story I’d written.

And now back to And the Beat Goes Phut. I had gotten to the part where Sparks is sitting in a bar watching the world end. This was not as riveting as one might hope.

Drink beer, see catastrophe on TV, drink beer, see catastrophe on TV, drink beer ……

Not exactly gripping literature.

Then I remembered my file of notes. I had written a scene where my little girl had a sock puppet who justified her killing pretty much everyone. Well, justified to her satisfaction, at least.

I snagged it, changed sock puppet’s name from Socky to Ibrahim, added some references to the Queen song Mustapha which I happened to be listening to and went to work. About 80% of that final scene was written for the story I’d killed.

And it worked.

So I sent the story out to people who might publish it. The nice people at Bewildering Stories responded back that they kind of sort of liked it and wanted to give it a whirl. So I said “Coolio” and kissed my story goodbye.

Then something funny happened. The editorial staff at Bewildering Stories slated my story for release around 09/11/11. Since my “bad dude” had an Arabic name and the whole story was about terrorism, I thought this was on purpose and said nothing. It turns out I was wrong.

That happens a lot, I’m used to it.

They quickly moved the release back a month so they wouldn’t have the tackiest tie-in to a tragedy ever conceived and the world marched merrily on.

No, seriously, had the story been released then it might have seemed as if I wanted to use “Celebrate” as the soundtrack for the towers coming down. That would have been very wrong. Even for me.

Anyway, after the story came out I heard from a couple of other people who wanted to publish it. I said it was already out but they could with some minor considerations, which none of them wanted to do.

Oh well, juck them if they can’t take a foke.

So, Aban, I hope this clears everything up for you although I somehow doubt it. Feel free to write me again with any other questions.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

There is something to be said for thinking things through. Granted, we are all occasionally guilty of a bad idea or two. That tri-colored haircut in the 80’s, your attempt to be cool and grunge after you got an accounting degree and so on. But, while embarrassing, they are usually relegated to the “lesson learned” bin and only brought out when people who love you dearly want to make fun of you. In other words, around once a month. Twice on holidays. There are others who walk among us who set the bar a little higher, or lower – depending on your point of view, and demand not only to be noticed for their stunning level of stupid but somehow lauded as well. People like Rodney Dwayne Valentine who served his time and was released from jail. But he wanted a ride to the local hotel. They told him to take a cab. He refused and was …. wait for it …. jailed for refusing to leave jail. That would be funny if it …. no, wait, it’s funny.

Cops in Pennsylvania are laughing at the mom who broke into a school computer to alter grades for her kids.You’ll have to read to find out why.

I think most parents want their kids to get good grades, and I had assumed that most parents wanted their kids to earn those grades.

But I stand corrected as a Pennsylvania mother is accused of hacking into her kids’ school computer system to change their grades.

According to UPI , this mom was actually a former employee of the school district in question. She allegedly used the superintendent’s login and passwords to view district emails and personnel files and to alter her own children’s grades.

She was charged with three counts each of unlawful use of a computer and computer trespassing, all of which are felonies.

Court records indicated her daughter went from a failing grade to a “medical exception” while her son’s grade of 98 percent climbed a point to 99 percent.

I bet her son is furious. He presumably worked hard to earn the 98%, and she hacked in to up it to a 99%?!

Way to set a good example for your kids lady.

Why not go whole hog and give the kid 100%? Oh, wait, it’s because she’s dumb.

Cops in Gainsville Florida also found out that the dumb walk among us. A guy got drunk and locked himself out of his apartment. Or so he thought.

When someone gets drunk and loses their keys, the least they could do is have the decency to break into their own apartment.

But I guess this guy from Florida didn’t get the memo.

According to Gainesville.com , this 25-year-old went out for a night of drinking he came back to his apartment complex and couldn’t find his keys, so he smashed out a window in apartment 527. The big problem here is that he lives in apartment 427.

He went inside, set down his phone and took off his shoes. Meanwhile the two people who actually lived in the apartment were hiding in a back room calling police.

Our guy was arrested and charged with criminal mischief and trespassing.

Speaking of Florida, you’re going to love this story. It’s got all your favorite elements; WalMart, shoplifting, stupid sisters and a baby.

Allison Niemeyer’s first bad decision was allegedly plotting to rob a Walmart. Her second bad decision was bringing her baby along. But the third was truly the charm: Seems the Florida 19-year-old and her sister, 22, are accused of stuffing some clothes into the infant’s diaper bag Friday, Central Florida News reports. Upon exiting the store, the sisters were asked to return by a loss prevention officer—and police say Niemeyer ran away, leaving her son with her sister.

Then her sister, too, allegedly fled, leaving the boy—and the $57.12 worth of merchandise. The sisters were picked up by a getaway van, but were later arrested at a dance club, the Gainesville Sun reports. Niemeyer was already on house arrest until 2021 because of a home invasion robbery involving a gun, which happened while she was pregnant. Niemeyer’s baby is with the Department of Children and Families.

Yep, even in Florida they frown on that level of narcissistic stupidity.

This next lovely story tells why some days all cops need to do is sit around and fill in the paperwork after the criminals toss themselves into jail.

According to an al.com report , Timothy Tressler, 41, of Oneonta, Ala., was arrested last Friday after setting up a drug deal with a Jefferson County Sheriff’s deputy over the phone.

Tressler dialed up his drug dealer, Jonell White, seeking a gram of heroin but White wasn’t picking up the phone. After ringing him up several times, he finally got White on the phone or so he thought.

After being stopped by police for an equipment violation on his 26-year-old Ford F-150 (shocker), White was arrested for possession of marijuana and trafficking heroin. During his arrest, officers noticed his cell phone being blown up and using their common sense, they assumed that somebody was itching for some of White’s now confiscated drugs. So they decided to kill two birds with one stone.

One of the deputies finally answered Timmy’s call, and the fix was in. How Tressler didn’t know the difference in the deputy’s voice and that of White’s is laughable, but I guess that’s what heroin does to people.

Tressler asked the deputy to meet him at a tattoo shop with a “G”, or gram, of heroin and the kind officer was happy to oblige, kind of. Upon their arrival, cops arrested Timmy and found him to have two outstanding warrants for missing court appearances to face first degree theft charges. Bamboozled and booked, he is now stuck in the county slammer without bond.

Not a bad day’s work for the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department.

You and I both know that this guy’s contact list is now being vetted by the cops and that there will be several more geniuses visiting the local jail.

“Hey Scooter, wanna G?”

“Who’s this?”

“Bob, Jonell’s cousin.”

“Oh, okay, you sound legit.”

Bear Hands // “Crime Pays” from Cantora Records on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Last year I got hired to do the packaging for The Ex Senators’ debut single, The Kids Are Trouble. I had the idea of creating fictitious warning labels for the CD that would make people laugh. I came up with these; “Do not operate a vehicle with the sun shield in the windshield. Product will be hot after heating. Do not use hair coloring as an ice cream topping. Keep out of the reach of children. Defrost all frozen foods before consuming. Not for human consumption. Do not place unattended wombats in washer or dryer. May cause blindness in cats. Prolonged exposure may exponentially increase carnal desires. Not intended for use as a dental drill.” Believe it or not, only one of those is fake. The rest were too real to ignore. And yet, pervasive as warning labels are and as much as they try to speak to the lowest common denominator (that means really stupid people) it seems that someone will come along and add a whole new layer of dumb to the discussion. There is a reason a child’s costume comes with the warning “Wearing Superman costume will not give you the ability to fly.” You know why? Because some parent didn’t stop little Timmy from jumping out of their third floor window. And the odds are pretty good that the reason the parent didn’t stop little Timmy is because they saw he was wearing his Superman suit and figured he’d be fine.

Such is the world we live in.

It is with this in mind that I present the sad tale of Mandi McKee who used to be William McKee until he took a Propecia knock off.

Don’t take my word for it.

A software engineer who was trying to combat hair loss says a generic form of Propecia caused him to develop breasts and made his hips widen like a woman’s.

And now, after nine months of taking finasteride, 38-year-old William McKee goes by the name Mandi and is considering having a complete sex change.

“My rock-hard chest from the gym began to soften . . . reaching the point where I had noticeable ‘breasts’ even under my clothing,” McKee told the New York Post.

“My shoulders were literally falling into a more feminine position, and my hips were loosening and becoming wider as on a woman’s body.”

The changes have left McKee’s former life in disarray. He is now separated from his wife of 10 years, with whom he has a five-year-old son. The Tampa, Florida, resident has also left his career in Silicon Valley behind, now describing himself as an aspiring music producer and DJ.

Describing his former self as “athletic and driven,” McKee now wears a blonde wig, makeup, women’s clothing and says he is thinking of having breast augmentation. In addition, McKee says he has gone from heterosexual to homosexual.

“It felt like the ‘me’ that I’ve always known was not there anymore,” he told the Post.

There are several possible sexual side effects associated with finasteride, but they typically involve a lack of libido. The drug itself works by inhibiting the conversion of testosterone.

Writing on his personal blog, McKee says the drug is commonly taken by men who are in the early stages of gender reassignment.

“I wasn’t always this way. I am early on my path of transitioning to live full-time as a woman, although for 9 months I did take 1 of the 2 most popular drugs that doctors prescribe to men who wish to become a woman,” he writes.

“The thing is… I didn’t take Finasteride to become a woman. I took it to prevent male-pattern hair loss (baldness) after seeing Merck’s ad campaign for years saying that Propecia (Finasteride) can stop hair loss in men.”

And as the Daily Mail notes, the transition has been a painful one for McKee. In addition to losing his wife, he writes that he considered suicide as the physical changes also began affecting his emotional state.

“My entire life has fallen apart in a slow and agonizing downward spiral that led me on a roller coaster ride of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, a severe and disabling loss of focus and concentration, feminization of my body, loss of and inability to work, homelessness, social rejection and isolation, and a complete alteration of my body’s chemistry and self-identity,” he writes.

“And it was more than just my life being affected. I was married to an amazing and beautiful woman who lost her husband, and I am father to an amazing 5 year-old-boy—who lost his dad.”

In a recent statement, Merck denied any known association between Propecia (finasteride) and sexual side effects:

“Merck believes that Propecia (Finasteride) has demonstrated safety and efficacy profiles and that the product labeling appropriately describes the benefits and risks of the drug to help inform prescribing,” the company wrote in the statement.

And while several lawsuits have been filed by men who say the drug affected their sexuality, McKee is not eligible to join the suit since he purchased a generic form of the drug from an online distributor based in India.

Still, Mandi has been active on his personal Facebook page, writing that he hopes all of the media exposure of his story helps others who might be going through a similar experience.

Forgive me for asking the obvious, but why the hell did he keep taking this stuff when he first noticed the changes? And why does this stuff only seem to happen in Florida?

Okay, let’s look at everything that went wrong here; (1) he bought fake Propecia from an online drug dealer in India. That is never a wise choice. (2) He kept taking the stuff long after it was clear that he was having a reaction to it. And, (3) he …. oh hell, he’s an idiot, let’s move on.

Just consider him a human warning sign and don’t do as he has done. Your life will be fine.

Top 5 Reasons People Choose 2 B Gay from FCKH8.com on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I like to start these blogs with a personal observation or two. Most of the time they are funny. And meant to be so. Not so many yucks today. I have seen a person die from a gunshot wound. I was bravely lying under a garbage dumspter trying to stay alive at the time. I owned a gun. It was a nice one. It was also in my car. And, even if it had been on my hip, I’m not sure what good it would have done. The guy I’d just met was the target and he was very dead with no hope for a cure. I could tell that since his brain was outside his head. Maybe that’s why many of the comments I have read on the Internet and seen on TV concerning the shootings in Colorado pissed me off so much. They are completely disconnected from reality.

There are those who see the shooting in Colorado as proof of a government, or other powerful group, working behind the scenes. How did an unemployed college student come up with $20,000 to buy all that armor and ammo and so on? He must have been funded. Or so they claim. Well, just for giggles, I trolled eBay and Craig’s list yesterday. I could have gotten everything that’s been listed in the news for around $5,000. A medical student from a solid family could get a line of credit that large in a heartbeat. Earlier reports that the apartment was wired with C4, a deadly explosive, appear to have been inaccurate. So, no need to for military intervention to explain that. Although, to be blunt, I could get my hands on C4 in two phone calls if need be, as long as I had the money. It’s not that difficult.

There are those who assigned political motives to the shooting. ABC Television breathlessly announced that the shooter was a member of …. wait for it …. THE TEA PARTY!!! Which was wrong on so many levels as to be frightening. Even if it were true, which it wasn’t, what the hell difference would it have made? Are they seriously implying that anyone who votes for Mitt Romney is capable of being a spree killer? Even for a died in the wool lefty like me that seems a touch extreme.

And stupid.

Then there are those who seem to be claiming, all while stating that this is not what they’re claiming – because that would be tacky, that the audience was somehow cowardly. The fact that they did not rush the gunman and subdue him makes them weak. The fact that some of the dead died lying on top of the people they’d sworn to protect is lost on them. The fact that the adults did all they could to remove their charges from harm’s way is meaningless to them. The fact that people tried to do the right thing, protect their loved ones and get everyone to safety makes them feeble according to these morons. Those making these claims cite Flight 93 where the passengers attacked the hijackers. They leave out the fact that those passengers knew they about the towers, knew they were about to die and had no choice. They also leave out the fact that the passengers had time to plan and act. None of those circumstances were in play in Colorado.

I know, facts are irritating.

Of course there are also those who claim that the outcome would have been very different if the audience had been armed. For the record, I am an excellent shot. With a pistol I can get 4 out of 5 head shots at 50 yards on a range. In a dark theater, filled with smoke and flying bullets with less than a minute from the start of the killing to the end, the odds are much greater that I would have killed an innocent bystander or six long before I got a round in the gunman. A room full of panicked people firing in the general direction of a shadowy figure in body armor? With a hundred or so people in the way? The carnage would have been insane. Just because someone took a basic gun safety course and had enough money to purchase ammo does not make them a Marine quality sniper.

I don’t care how many episodes of NCIS they’ve seen.

The sad underlying theme to all of these critiques is “I could have done better” as though there is a grade for situations like this.

“Oh look honey, Bobby got a ‘B+’ in his ‘Attacked by a Deranged Gunman’ class. I smell a trip to Dairy Queen!”

I know that facts suck the fun out of everything but they need to be heeded here. This was a room full of suburban moms & dads & uncles & aunts who were leading families or scout and/or church groups for an evening of fun. Their first thought, and their only thought, was the safety of those who trusted them.

The fact that they did not live up to whatever adrenaline fueled fantasies others may have says nothing bad about them. But it does say something very disturbing about the people making the criticisms.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I once received a very angry email about something I’d written here concerning a citizen of the great state of Florida. It contained the usual death threats and verbiage about my parental units. But what was funny about it is that this person had gotten what I’d written 100% wrong. I’d said no such thing. So, I calmly sent this person a link to the original article, noted the part he had wrong and moved on. I received a response that didn’t apologize but admitted he might have overreacted. I couldn’t help myself so I wrote back that it wasn’t a problem and I would type slower in the future so this person could follow along as well. He wrote me back and thanked me for that courtesy.

Dear God they get dumber by the nanosecond, don’t they?

I recently wrote about people who publicly masturbate in Florida. Because just posting on Facebook isn’t sharing enough. Well, now, Sarasota police report that a nice man had to share his personal moment with four young girls and a cop.

It was no day at the beach for this vacationing law enforcement officer.

Deputies busted Joshua Anthony McClure, 41, for lewd conduct in front of young children at Siesta Key Beach on Tuesday, according to a news release from the Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office.

A law enforcement officer who was visiting the beach from from Indiana reportedly saw McClure put his hand down his pants for about 5-minutes before exposing himself and masturbating as he sat on the beach — in plain sight of him and four young girls ranging in age from 5 to 16-years-old.

When the out-of-state officer confronted McClure and showed him his badge, McClure, who is homeless, then left the area on a bicycle. Deputies located McClure a short time later and witnesses identified him as the alleged diddler on the beach.

McClure appeared to be under the influence of alcohol and a deputy found a glass smoking pipe with burnt residue inside his shorts pocket, according to an arrest affidavit.

Ah yes, the joys of smoking crack, whacking off on a beach and then going to jail. It almost sounds like a planned vacation in Florida.

But, if you are going on vacation in Florida don’t forget to molest the TSA officer. After all, fair is fair.

It took a jury only 20-minutes to convict Carol Jean Price, 59, of battery against a TSA supervisor, according to The News-Press in Fort Myers.

Price, of Bonita Springs, told the jury: “She (the supervisor) just took the palm of her hand and went up my leg — front, back, right leg, left leg — and touched my genitals…up into my buttocks.”

The supervisor tearfully told the jury: “She threw her stuff on the table and grabbed me and rammed her hand into my pubic bone.”

Who needs XXX movies? Just grab a seat at your nearest airport near security.

First of all Skippy, if your genitals run all the way up into your buttocks, you need to consider a new career in the adult entertainment industry. Not many people are that flexible. If Octomom can make a living doing it there’s nothing stopping you.

Our next story has almost everything you could want in a story about Florida. It’s got a convicted felon, a WalMart and kiddy porn. Oh, and naturally, “in public” and “on a cell phone” will be noted.

Registered sex offender Alan Robert Johnson, 33, was arrested — along with Jennifer A. Sparks, 37 — after customers allegedly found pictures of a naked man and woman, as well as pictures of naked toddlers’ genitalia on their phone, which they had inadvertently left at a Cape Coral Walmart, reports The News-Press in Fort Myers.

Cops were able to trace the phone to Johnson, whose Facebook page reportedly displayed some of the same photos found on the cell phone.

Detectives then found pics and videos of the couple engaging in oral sex and lewd molestation with a 4-year-old girl at their residence, according to the report.

This is a state with the death penalty for double parking and these tools are walking around WalMarts? Well, at least they’re off the streets now.

And, with the streets a little emptier it seemed like a good time for Cindy Sheik to hire a cab to rob a Quicki-Mart.

How much could go wrong here? You’re going to be amazed.

FloriDUH tip: A taxi is not the best choice for a getaway car.

At around 11:04 p.m. on Saturday, Cynthia P. Sheik arrived in a taxi to the Race Track store in Port Charlotte before allegedly going into the store and demanding the clerk give her cash from the register, according to a news release from the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office.

The clerk handed her $320.

While this hold-up was taking place the cabbie outside had a sense that Sheik might skip out on her fare so he asked a Punta Gorda cop, who was conducting a traffic stop nearby, to help him collect the fare from the woman, the report stated.

As soon as the 32-year-old woman took the cash the store’s hold- up alarm was triggered and the clerk dialed 911. While the clerk was providing the dispatcher with information, the clerk noticed the Punta Gorda cop out in the parking lot by the cab.

When Shiek fled into the parking, she was confronted by the cop about her fare. The clerk then ran outside and reported the robbery to the cop, according to the release.

Deputies then arrived to investigate the robbery. The money stolen was recovered, Sheik was arrested without incident, and no one injured during the robbery.

Sheik was charged with robbery/grand theft.

That’s like seeing ten pounds of stupid wrapped in a five found bag. Well, since we’re on the subject of WalMarts, let’s head down to Jacksonville where over 300 morons terrorized one.

Flash mobs are known across the United States as a group of people dancing, having fun and enjoying themselves while entertaining others.

However, the Walmart off Lem Turner Road in Jacksonville fell victim to a mob of 300 people who entered the store and destroyed the security system as well as some merchandise.

According to a police report, the group destroyed an electronic anti-shop lifting security scanner that costs about $1,500. The police report also stated the massive crowd could have arrived at the store after a party that was broken up on Sampson Road.

YouTube video showed the teens throwing food and merchandise around the store.

Channel 4 crime analyst Ken Jefferson said any sort of crime where there’s hundreds of people involved is a dangerous situation.

“You’ve got a large number of people going and coming at the same time they are throwing produce,” Jefferson said. “They are stealing items, they are all over the store. You can imagine how fearful the customers were who were in there at that particular time.”

Police did not make any arrests after the mob of people took over the store. If caught, these teens could face criminal charges.

The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office said incident remains under investigation.

Okay, let’s review. The cops know where the idiots came from since they busted the party earlier. The idiots did, at least $1,500 in damage (i.e., $5 per person) and they could all go to jail. Which, since some of this was caught on video, some of them will.

So, Scooter, was it worth to do hard time in a state where prison conditions are barbaric just so you could do $5 worth of damage?

I’d guess not but I’m not a Floridian so I couldn’t say.

Oh well, as long as we’ve got cops at WalMart the world is still safe. Right?

Oh hell no.

Lee County Deputy Patrick Heinz Milosevic has been fired following an investigation that found he was under the influence of a controlled substance — for which he did not have a prescription — and driving a marked sheriff’s office patrol car when he was involved in a crash in the parking lot of the North Fort Myers Walmart, reports The News-Press in Fort Myers.

Milosevic, 31, who was off-duty at the time, crashed the patrol car into a parked car and then tried to flee the scene after the accident, according to the report.

Investigators said the levels of the drug found in his system were consistent with prescription drug abuse.

Just FYI, all marked patrol cars have rifles and other weapons in them. So this could have been a lot worse.

My question is “How did a guy ripped on meds get the keys to a patrol car in the first place?”

That is also my second question and so on until I get a legitimate answer.

Florida Young Naturists NAKED Spring Bash 2012 from FYN on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

There are some stories that just demand to be shared. Partly because they are funny as hell and partly because they are scary as hell. Today’s manages to be both. Before we get to the meat of the story let’s take a look at some simple facts. Organizations such as “Republic of the United States” weren’t even a glimmer in a Klansman’s eye until a black man was elected president. It was founded in 2010 for those playing along at home. The fact that Obama’s politics are more akin to Clinton’s than Kim Il Jong’s seems lost on them. They simply don’t care. There is a black man in their white house and that is unacceptable. After that they will do whatever they can to remedy that situation.

Let’s start with lie number one, since this is a big one for these people;

Even the word god is struck from our classrooms, crosses banned in public and national religious holidays reduced to generic secular celebrations. Our judicial branch of government has twisted the constitution so far that decisions are handed down based on a concept which is not anywhere mentioned in a single founding document, “Separation of Church and State.” Nowhere is that mentioned in our Constitution, Bill of Rights or Declaration of Independence. In reality it was a term used in a letter written by Thomas Jefferson which was taken out of context for the sake of expediency

Well, except for that part that reads; “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” The Jeffersonian quote that they claim is either misquoted or taken out of context reads in full; ” I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,’ thus building a wall of separation between Church and State.”

This was for the benefit of the church more than the state. If the whack jobs had their way we would live in a country with state run churches. Gosh, what could possibly go wrong there?

The second lie, that our government allows a fake government to rule and they announce their presence with a fringed flag.

You’re going to love this.

If you doubt for a moment that you are under an unlawful, unconstitutional de facto government, just walk into any courtroom in the land, look at the flag. Why does it have gold braid and fringe around it? That gold fringe represents the rule of law which holds jurisdiction in that court and it’s not the common law of the land, it’s Military Maritime Law! Those of us who believe that the Yellow Fringed Flag is the ‘Law of Admiralty’ Flag will know all about this. For the rest of us, this will be a shocking new disclosure. President, Dwight David Eisenhower signed Executive Order No.10834 on August 21, 1959 and had printed in the Federal Register at 24 F.R. 6865, pursuant to the law, stated that: “A military flag is a flag that resembles the regular flag of the United States, except that it has a yellow fringe border on three sides.” This signifies that when you enter that court you have entered and placed yourself under foreign jurisdiction. Our true Constitution and Republic form of government is the law of the land, Common Law and that law has been shoved aside, hidden and left to mold with time while the corporation marches us down the road to dictatorship and one world poverty.

Executive Order 10834 added a new star for the admission of Hawaii as a State. That’s all.

As to the yellow fringe, I defer to a group of civil war generals and their ilk; “Each regiment of Infantry shall have two silken colors. The first, or the national color, of stars and stripes, as described for the garrison flag; the number and name of the regiment to be embroidered with silver on the center stripe. The second, or regimental color, was to be blue, with the arms of the United States embroidered in silk on the center, with the name of the regiment in a scroll, underneath the eagle. The size of each color was to be six feet six inches fly, and six feet deep on the pike. The length of the pike, including the spear and ferrule, was to be nine feet ten inches. The fringe was to be yellow; the cords and tassels, blue and white silk intermixed”.

They even have pretty pictures for the rest of you.

In other words it predates the conspiracy by almost 100 years.

Ooops.

So, into this maelstrom of lies, innuendo and obfuscation comes Randi Shannon. She thinks we have an imaginary government which she thinks should be beholden to her imaginary deity.

What could possibly go wrong?

An Iowa woman who was running for a state Senate seat has dropped that bid after deciding the U.S. government is a sham, and has instead unilaterally declared herself a U.S. Senator from the Republic of Iowa in an alternative government, the Republic for the United States of America.

As Jason Noble of the Des Moines Register first reported, the candidate, Randi Shannon, had been running for the state’s 34th Senate district. However, she recently came to believe that the real U.S. government was replaced with an illegal one after the Civil War so, rather than continue her state-level pursuit, she dropped that bid and named herself a Senator of the what she thinks is the true government.

In a letter fittingly posted to her campaign’s Facebook page on July 4, Shannon wrote that the country was founded as the Republic for The United States for America in 1787, and that it remained as such until the 1860s, when it was abandoned during the Civil War. Once the war ended, she wrote, the government was replaced by the, “UNITED STATES CORPORATION,” [sic] which has endured to this day as the nation’s farcical governing body.

In a statement riddled with curious capitalization meant to emphasize the government’s foibles, Shannon derides the federal government for, she claims, stomping out entrepreneurship, infringing on personal liberties, and just generally being an unconstitutional entity. Perhaps worst, she says, are the elected lawmakers who have perpetuated this system and in doing so have, “committed the most egregious acts against ‘We the People.’”

“Therefore, in order to affect the most good on behalf of The People of Iowa’s 34th District and in keeping with my conscience, I have accepted the position of U.S. Senator in The Republic of The United States of America, where I may better serve You and All of The People of Iowa,” Shannon wrote. “I want you to know I have taken an Oath to Uphold, Support and Defend The Constitution of The United States of America. This I will do to the best of my ability, So Help Me God.”

Shannon, who describes herself as a Ron Paul supporter, backs many of the same policy positions famously espoused by the Libertarian-leaning Texas congressman. She advocates eliminating the Department of Education (following its transfer to the Republic of the United States) and drastically cutting taxes while ending foreign occupations and stopping the Affordable Care Act. And, since she believes the government has been a false one for a century and a half, she considers all amendments to the Bill of Rights from the 14th on to be invalid.

“Again, Remember, where the de jure Republic of The United States of America exists the de facto UNITED STATES CORPORATION, having no standing, must go away!,” Shannon wrote.

Here’s an actual quote from Shannon’s – ahem – announcement; “(I would like to thank) my fellow Ron Paul for President Supporters, My Fellow Members of Liberty, My Friends who home school as did I, the many Pro-Life Members …”

In other words, every idiot in America.

Every single group she mentions is based on isolationism. They are apart from, not a part of, our world. They don’t just want to separate from America they want to separate from the world, science and rational thought.

And while there is a part of me that says “Good bye and good riddance” I know it’s not that easy.

People like this have been around forever (see Charles Lindbergh as example A) but they used to stick to the fringe. Now, emboldened by the thought that millions of people are just as disgusted by seeing a black man in their white house as they are, they have come to the fore. They shout that they, and they alone, are privy to the truth. And, by their own warped standards that is true since their version of the truth is often unencumbered by facts and, when so burdened, manages to distort them beyond any rational reality anyway.

The good news is that it has gotten much easier to spot the whack jobs. The bad news is they’re not going away any time soon.

Also, since I got asked this week, by one of these people, why we have time zones now seems a good time to remind people that the world is round and the only way off it is up.

Time Lapse From Space – Literally. The Journey Home. from Fragile Oasis on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.” – Woody Allen – We’ve all had those moments when we knew that this or that relationship was going nowhere. Maybe it was the subtle hint of finding all your clothes on the lawn or, maybe, it was that indelicate moment when she introduced you to her fiancee. Whatever it was, you knew then and there that it was done. Yet, some people can’t take those subtle hints. Police in Michigan report that even when her friend died it didn’t stop their relationship.

A Michigan woman kept the corpse of her dead friend and roommate in their home for nearly two years because she did not wish to be alone, according to a report.

When police officers visited the Jackson home of Linda Chase on July 6, the 71-year-old told them that she had kept the mummified body of her roommate, Charles Zigler, in a chair, the Jackson Citizen Patriot reported. Chase told the newspaper that she often talked to her silent companion and watched NASCAR races with him. She said she kept his corpse dressed and clean.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” Chase said. “He was the only guy who was ever nice to me.”

Zigler’s body was discovered after concerned relatives called police. Zigler’s son Walter said he had made several attempts to visit his ailing father but was refused entry by Chase.

“That wasn’t right to leave him lay like that,” he told the Jackson Citizen Patriot.

A medical examiner determined that Zigler died of natural causes sometime near the end of December 2010, the paper reported.

Chase told the Jackson Citizen Patriot she continued to cash Zigler’s benefit checks after his death, and expected to go to prison. Police are reportedly investigating the case and have not yet filed charges.

If the dead can vote in Chicago I see no reason they can’t like NASCAR in Michigan. As to the lady, I’m not sure what they can do. Sure she broke the law by cashing his checks but does anyone really think they’ll get restitution? I think the world would be better served by just hooking her up with a breathing NASCAR fan and moving on.

Still and all, at least she took care of her friend. Cops in Pennsylvania were stunned to find a mom who traded her newborn for a used pick up truck and some meth.

A Kentucky mother traded her newborn son for a truck, according to the Laurel County Sheriff’s Office, WKYT -TV reported.

Heather Kaminskey, 30, handed her baby to Jamie and Jeremy Brown in January and then sold the truck for $800 plus some meth, according to police.

Police said they discovered the scheme when Kaminskey tried sell the vehicle. They arrested the Browns and charged them with human trafficking. The baby boy appeared to be well taken care of, investigators said.

Kaminskey, police said, might be in Florida and they are hoping to obtain warrants for her arrest. She apparently called neighbors of the Browns on Thursday and told them that she’s distraught over what happened and that she wants to return to Kentucky, WKYT reported.

In other baby-for-sale news, a Philadelphia dad said to be desperate for some quick cash to buy drugs tried to sell his baby girl on Friday, police sources and neighbors told NBC Philadelphia.

A couple he approached called police and another neighbor pretended he was going to buy the 6-month old baby until police arrived to arrest the man, NBC Philadelphia reported. The baby was taken to a hospital to be checked out.

Seriously, this is an epidemic in Philly? Baby selling gone wild? You could fit the entire city inside Chicago and still have plenty of room left over for sane people.

Then again, at least we can be thankful she wasn’t reading 50 Shades of Grey. Of course, she’s a meth head so she probably can’t read at all.

But, seriously, I would kill to meet a woman who talked like this.

“He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor Popsicle.”

“Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty…”

OH YEAH BAY-BEE!

Of course, for some men the thought of their beloved reading such saucy prose might lead them to attack her with gravy.

You cannot make this stuff up.

A British man was arrested for squirting brown sauce in his girlfriend’s face in retaliation for reading the saucy tome, “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

Raymond Hodgson, 31, also allegedly slapped Emma McCormick, his girlfriend of five years, after discovering she had been reading the novel he called “pornographic” and “distasteful,” according to the Carlisle News & Star.

The couple had been arguing for two days via text message until Hodgson arrived to McCormick’s home when she refused to put down the erotica, a prosecutor said in court, according to the News & Star.

McCormick then called the police, who arrested Hodgson. He denied slapping her, but pleaded guilty to common assault for which he was ordered to pay a fine. He was also appointed a 6-week nightly curfew, the paper reported.

That is so “veddy veddY” British. A gravy tossing episode lands you in jail. In America it gets you a co-hosting gig with Dr. Phil.

You know what? I want to leave things on a happy note. So let’s go to Alaska where they may have the most worthless governeor in decades, but they have one of the best mayors on the planet. And, BONUS, he’s housebroken and works for kibble.

The mayor of a sleepy Alaska town is feline fine.

The part-Manx cat clawed his way onto the political scene of Talkeetna, Alaska, through a write-in campaign shortly after he was born 15 years ago.

Although his position is honorary, Stubbs’ popularity is real. His election earned him enough press to catapult the town at the base of Mount McKinley into a tourist destination.

Residents say they’re happy that their stubby-tailed mayor is promoting tourism. The general store where Stubbs hangs out says it gets dozens of tourists a day asking for him.

Can you even pretend to think that tourists would flock to any Chicago store to see the Rahminator? Not even with free bon bons.

Zahia Dehar in The Cat Cave by Nick & Chloé (Official) from Zahia Officiel on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Once upon a time on a dark and stormy night there was a cliche waiting to happen. Maybe not as obvious as a serial killer with the middle name Wayne, but blindingly obvious nonetheless. Today’s blog is all about that kind of stuff. Speaking of cliches I am currently sitting in one. It is a hipster cafe called, naturally, the New Wave Coffee House. Black and white photos of crap you don’t care about? Check. “Outsider art?” You betcha. Inexplicable pop culture reference? Yep. Foreign soundtrack? In spades. Or “oui” if you prefer. I am here for a wide variety of reasons but mostly because they have free Wi Fi and food. Both of those things are out of the question at home since the power is off again. On the plus side, the food is great, the service well above average and the crowd is really nice. I can put up with some pretension for that.

Other pretensions bother me. For example, Ted Nugent has, for the last decade or so, surrounded himself with cheap musicians so he can keep most of the money for himself. Most of these giants of rock tend to agree with him politically, which makes for fun conversations if you don’t mind hearing your brain rot. Cops in Bangor Maine are completely baffled however by Nuge’s drummer who tried to evade arrest by stealing a golf cart.

People are always fleeing police, but usually it’s in a vehicle where they have a chance to get away. That wasn’t the case for Mick Brown, drummer for Ted Nugent, who tried to make his escape in a golf cart, according to the Bangor, Maine police department.

According to the police department, Brown, 55, reportedly stole a golf cart after a Bangor concert featuring Nugent, Styx and REO Speedwagon at Bangor’s waterfront pavilion.

Brown, who was reportedly intoxicated, evaded several people who tried to stop him and somehow picked up two women along the way, the department says on its Facebook page.

“As (officers) attempted to stop Brown, he accelerated past them, past a third officer and when a security officer got close enough to stop him, Brown allegedly shoved the officer,” the police reported. “At that point two other security officers physically removed Brown from the cart and placed him on the ground.”

Brown was arrested and later released on $4,000 bail, and faces a court date of Aug. 15 for charges of operating under the influence of alcohol, driving to endanger, theft, and assault.

But perhaps the best line from the police report reads, “No damage was reported to the cart although two traffic cones were damaged, one still under the cart, significantly so.”

Ted Nugent himself has been in the news lately for his political opinions, most recently for suggesting that the South should have won the Civil War.

Frank Zappa once said “Shut up and play your guitar.” Someone should send that memo to Michigan.

Cops in Philly, however, wish their issues were limited to dangerous thoughts. They arrested a guy who was brandishing a crossbow on the highway.

A Philadelphia man took road rage to a whole new level when he pulled a crossbow on another driver during Tuesday rush hour.

According to police, Kenneth Butterworth, 45, began driving erratically, weaving in and out of traffic when another driver changed lanes .

The driver, whose name was not released, then honked his horn.

When the driver of the other vehicle got in front of Butterworth’s Dodge Stratus, Butterworth changed lanes and pulled out a crossbow and pointed it at him.

The driver called 911, and Butterworth was arrested and charged with felony aggravated assault. Police could not confirm whether he was still being held in jail.

Police told msnbc.com the crossbow was never fired.

Really? A crossbow? Talk about going medieval on someone. What’s next? A mace?

This next story is so rife with cliches it actually wrote itself. WalMart + America’s Funniest Home Videos (with no cameras or lights) + Pervert + Open Toed Shoes = FUNNY!

A woman says a man claiming to be with a TV show sucked her toe inside an east Georgia Walmart after claiming everything she purchased that day would be free if she complied with the unusual request.

The Augusta Chronicle reports that the woman called sheriff’s deputies Tuesday to describe the bizarre encounter in the Grovetown store, west of Augusta.

Columbia County sheriff’s reports say the man asked the 18-year-old if her toenails were painted, whether she’d watched America’s Funniest Home Videos and said he was with the show.

Authorities say he asked if he could kiss her foot as part of the prank, then started sucking on her big toe.

The woman said she screamed, the man said “it tasted so good, though” and then ran from the Walmart.

You knew what happened before you read the first word, didn’t you?

Ladies, if a strange man asks to kiss your feet, no matter the reason, you are always welcome to say “No.” Actually, the same applies in cases where a strange woman asks to do that as well.

But what if a retired porn star offers to kick start your heart? Residents of Roanoke Virginia are asking themselves that exact question when it became known that their new volunteer EMT was porn star Harmony Rose.

This EMT trainee has experience getting the blood flowing.

Harmony Rose, whose birth name is Tracy Rolan, was featured in more than 200 pornographic videos between 2004 and 2010. Her videos include “Masturbation Nation 3,” “Farmer’s Daughters Take It Off” and “Sack Lunch.”

Rose, 29, has since left the adult entertainment industry, WDBJ 7 reports, and she’s training as a volunteer EMT with the Cave Spring Rescue Squad in Roanoke, VA, for the past few months. Now some officials are getting hot and bothered over her participation.

Exactly when Rose left the industry is unclear, though IMDB lists her most recent credit as occurring in 2010.

Fire Chief Rich Burch learned about Rose’s previous career from Roanoke Fire & Rescue employees, Director of Public Information Teresa Hall told the Huffington Post. Having never dealt with such a situation before, Burch contacted the Office of the County Attorney.

Attorney Paul M. Mahoney replied on June 27. In a letter obtained by the Huffington Post, Mahoney stated that Roanoke County does not generally get involved in the decisions of volunteer rescue squads. However, the attorney also noted, “Anything that results in public ridicule of the volunteer squads . . . must be avoided.”

Mahoney then recommended that Burch “supports the decision of the volunteer chief if she decides to terminate the membership of [Rose].”
The community, however, seems to be on Rose’s side. Of the over 500 comments that appear under the story on WDBJ’s Facebook page, nearly all support Rose’s continued work with the rescue squad.

“I believe if you or a loved one is having a true medical emergency,” Jonathan Whorley wrote, “your [sic] not going to care about the former occupation of the person helping you.”

“It’s not like she was doing porn in the squad building,” Theodore Hughes pointed out.

Since the publication of WDBJ’s article, the station has been slammed for encouraging readers to look up Rose’s work. The original version of the article included a linked sentence that read, “Just Google her name and you’ll find hundreds of pornographic videos of hers.” The station later took the link down.

The Huffington Post would never do such a thing.

Harmony Rose is still training as a volunteer EMT.

There is hope for humanity after all. Judgmental morons 0, rational humans 500. I like those odds.

As has been noted here before, I know a few people who work in the adult entertainment industry. If you didn’t know that about them you’d never know. They are the same as the rest of us. They raise their families, love their friends and mow their lawns.

And, no, those are not codes for pornographic acts.

Tristan Risk’s Lullaby – Brice Ferre – Vancouver Photographer from Brice Ferre Photography on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
Henry Lawson
Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world.
Jack Nicholson
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.
Anne Sexton

*

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
Homer Simpson

I guess we call all be grateful that Kaiser Wilhelm was so incompetent that he couldn’t find a beer drinking woman in Germany. That’s like not being able to find a Republican in Arkansas. That quibble aside, however, beer has been an integral part of history for Millenia.

As I noted before, beer is a major part of western religions. From the Egyptian granaries to the wine Jesus supplied for the wedding at Cana, our ancestors had no problem believing in God and tipping back a strong libation. And, let’s be blunt, were it not for beer, and men ogling milk maids, there would be neither pasteurization nor a cure for small pox. And it seems worth noting that the one guy who didn’t drink wrote the most hyper-violent part of the Bible.

So beer is good and abstinance is bad.

You already feel better about yourself, don’t you?

Well more proof of this truth is coming from an unlikely source. A brewery in Pakistan – yes, you read that right – is getting ready to serve India.

No, I am not making this up.

The Church of St. Thomas, a Christian sect, has a solid foothold in both countries. And they drink beer. So do tourists and many non-Muslim people such as Buddhists and Hindus.

Did you notice that the beer drinkers in this list are the more peaceable folks? It does seem worth noting.

Anyway, back to beer and Pakistan and the first step for true world peace.

In a country where mullahs ceaselessly denounce Western vices and laws prevent restaurants from offering anything stronger than mocktails or Red Bull, the Murree Brewery somehow perseveres, churning out pallets of lager with an efficiency that would make Milwaukee proud.

A relic of British colonialism, the 152-year-old brewery has survived a 1977 government decree banning tippling by Pakistani Muslims, turning instead to a small but ever-present clientele of non-Muslim foreigners and Christian Pakistanis on the hunt for alcohol-enhanced answers to Pakistan’s 100-plus-degree summers.

A recent Pakistani government decision to allow beer exports to non-Muslim countries raises an intriguing prospect: Could Murree beer help relations with nuclear archrival India, a neighbor whose populace has a well-known craving for a cold one?

“Business has to prevail, it has to be the bridge, I would say,” Isphanyar Bhandara, chief executive of Murree Brewery, said during an interview at his office, where shelves of Murree offerings as varied as beer and 12-year-old single malt whiskey greet visitors. Government authorities, he continued, “have realized that keeping a lid on alcohol, allowing it in Pakistan but not allowing it to be exported, doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make economic sense.”

Approval for alcohol exports, a government move aimed at generating more tax revenue, coincides with a recent thaw in ties between Pakistan and India, die-hard enemies since the partition of British colonial India in 1947. The two countries endorsed a most-favored nation agreement this year that fosters trade through the mutual imposition of lower import tariffs and higher import quotas. And Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari’s visit to India in April was viewed on both sides of the border as an important symbolic gesture.

Murree can now do business with any non-Muslim nation, but India appears to be the likeliest market. Its beer sales are expected to double to almost $9 billion by 2016, according to a recent article in Bloomberg Businessweek. In India’s northwestern state of Punjab, Murree beer is already routinely smuggled over the border.

Still, Bhandara acknowledges that his marketing department has tough work ahead.

“We are keeping our fingers crossed and shouting at Indian Punjab to import our beer, but it’s a hard sell in India,” Bhandara said. “They are already producing beer in millions of barrels…. So it’s not that we are going to put crates on the border, and people are going to come and quickly snatch it up. We don’t see that happening, though we wish it would.”

Within Pakistan, sales are hardly a problem. At hotels in the capital, Islamabad, cases of Murree are hauled away by thirsty Westerners just as quickly as workers can stock them. Black marketeers make millions of rupees serving the legions of Pakistani Muslims who drink on the sly.

That Pakistani Muslims can get their hands on Murree beer, whiskey, vodka and gin doesn’t really bother Bhandara.

“Murree’s direct customers are institutions, not individuals,” said the beer magnate, whose non-Muslim family has owned Murree since the late 1940s. “I’m only allowed to sell my product at government-authorized outlets. If those hotels and shops sell to Muslims, that’s not my concern or jurisdiction.”

The people Bhandara might worry about the most, Pakistan’s array of Islamist militant groups, have never attacked the brewery. The reason may lie in its location, a sprawling red-brick compound less than a mile and a half from the army’s headquarters, Pakistan’s equivalent to the Pentagon, and not far from the residence of army chief Gen. Ashfaq Kayani.

Inside the brewery, a tidy, clockwork rhythm prevails that seems out of place amid the dusty bustle of bazaars and motorcycle-rickshaw-choked avenues of Rawalpindi. Workers and technicians, almost all of whom are Pakistani Muslims, tend to conveyor belts spitting out thousands of bottles a day of Murree’s honey-gold lager. In the distillery, an eclectic array of liquors is produced: Lemo’ Lime gin, Dew of Himalayas malt whiskey, Bolskaya vodka and, until recently, even an Irish cream.

Sabih ur-Rehman, a retired army major and Bhandara’s right-hand man, acknowledges that marketing a Pakistani-made Irish cream was a hard sell.

“I’d say it was one of the best products we produced,” Rehman said. “But the market wasn’t there. Those who drank it almost got addicted, it was that good. But it’s a liqueur and the alcohol percentage is less. So we couldn’t get customers interested.”

Murree executives are heartened by the federal government’s decision to allow exports, but their relationship with Pakistani Punjab provincial bureaucrats has been far from ideal.

You know where a liqueur would sell well? Bangkok. Oh well, baby steps.

LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem (EXCLUSIVE ACCESS) from PartyRock on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.