The Olympian Ideal

People are always surprised to find out that I love the Olympics. I seem more of a traditional sports kind of guy, baseball, football, etc. And I am. Those are my main loves. But once every four years the world goes bat-guano crazy over sports they know nothing about and it frees me up to sit at the other end of the bar and not be bothered. It’s like a vacation from idiots. People who can’t see their toes are suddenly experts on how to “stab a landing” in the…

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The Story Behind the Story

I got a confusing email this morning. Since I’m not a dick I didn’t delete it or write something smarmy back to prove my superiority. Instead I asked for some clarification. I was glad I did. It turns out that the guy had wandered into Bewildering Stories’ web site and read my story And the Beat Goes Phut. What Google search got him from where he started to there is a mystery. Anyway it turns out that the guy was, is still I’d guess, a DJ. He was curious what…

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Not the Brightest Lights in God’s Chandelier

There is something to be said for thinking things through. Granted, we are all occasionally guilty of a bad idea or two. That tri-colored haircut in the 80’s, your attempt to be cool and grunge after you got an accounting degree and so on. But, while embarrassing, they are usually relegated to the “lesson learned” bin and only brought out when people who love you dearly want to make fun of you. In other words, around once a month. Twice on holidays. There are others who walk among us who…

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I Really Need to Read Those Warning Labels More Thoroughly

Last year I got hired to do the packaging for The Ex Senators’ debut single, The Kids Are Trouble. I had the idea of creating fictitious warning labels for the CD that would make people laugh. I came up with these; “Do not operate a vehicle with the sun shield in the windshield. Product will be hot after heating. Do not use hair coloring as an ice cream topping. Keep out of the reach of children. Defrost all frozen foods before consuming. Not for human consumption. Do not place unattended…

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Colorado + Internet = Lies & Fear

I like to start these blogs with a personal observation or two. Most of the time they are funny. And meant to be so. Not so many yucks today. I have seen a person die from a gunshot wound. I was bravely lying under a garbage dumspter trying to stay alive at the time. I owned a gun. It was a nice one. It was also in my car. And, even if it had been on my hip, I’m not sure what good it would have done. The guy I’d…

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Floridumb

I once received a very angry email about something I’d written here concerning a citizen of the great state of Florida. It contained the usual death threats and verbiage about my parental units. But what was funny about it is that this person had gotten what I’d written 100% wrong. I’d said no such thing. So, I calmly sent this person a link to the original article, noted the part he had wrong and moved on. I received a response that didn’t apologize but admitted he might have overreacted. I…

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Whack Jobs for Justice?

There are some stories that just demand to be shared. Partly because they are funny as hell and partly because they are scary as hell. Today’s manages to be both. Before we get to the meat of the story let’s take a look at some simple facts. Organizations such as “Republic of the United States” weren’t even a glimmer in a Klansman’s eye until a black man was elected president. It was founded in 2010 for those playing along at home. The fact that Obama’s politics are more akin to…

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Relationships Are Hard

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.” – Woody Allen – We’ve all had those moments when we knew that…

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People Not Like Us

Once upon a time on a dark and stormy night there was a cliche waiting to happen. Maybe not as obvious as a serial killer with the middle name Wayne, but blindingly obvious nonetheless. Today’s blog is all about that kind of stuff. Speaking of cliches I am currently sitting in one. It is a hipster cafe called, naturally, the New Wave Coffee House. Black and white photos of crap you don’t care about? Check. “Outsider art?” You betcha. Inexplicable pop culture reference? Yep. Foreign soundtrack? In spades. Or “oui”…

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Peace Through Beer

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. Henry Lawson Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world. Jack Nicholson Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Wilhelm God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer. Anne Sexton * Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some…

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