Can People Really Be This Stupid?

Oh boy does it ever.
Yesterday I wrote about the dumbest job in the universe, wild crocodile wrestling (no experience necessary). I mentioned that there would be a lot of Floridians missing a limb or two. I did not mean to make that a challenge to see who would go first. But, yesterday, the 63-year-old Wallace Weatherholt, who must have been an idiot all his life to think this was a good idea, reached over the edge of an air-boat he was captaining to feed a wild alligator. The wild gator said “Why thank you very much Mr. Stupid Person” and took the kibble, the fish and Captain Wallace’s hand. Since it is illegal in Florida to tease, feed or harass gators, El Capitan could do up to six months in the joint. My favorite quote in the article comes from the Indiana tourist on the boat, Judy Chroniak-Hatt, who said, “I was sitting there in the seat thinking, is this thing really biting him or is he playing a game.” See, with Floridians you can never really tell if you are witnessing insanity or frivolity. Rule of thumb? Assume the former and rarely be disappointed.

Police in Port St. Lucie have found a less painful, altough still dangerous, version of stupid. They arrested a man for working out his one eyed wonder weasel on his front lawn.

A man accused of walking naked in his driveway while performing an intimate act on himself and “working real hard at it” was arrested, according to recently released records.

A man identified as Jeffery Marriott, 50, was spotted May 30 by a woman looking out the window of her home on Southwest Cherryhill Road in Port St. Lucie.

The dude accused in what could be construed as a nude lewd interlude was “walking back and forth masturbating in the driveway, the front yard and between the trucks,” the woman stated to police.

Further, the woman said the naked man had his sexual organ “in his hand working real hard at it,” a report states.

Generally speaking, “walking back and forth masturbating in the driveway, the front yard and between the trucks” is not a socially acceptable practice.

Police got no answer at the front door of Marriott’s listed address, noting an “unknown clear liquid substance” on the door’s knob.

Items that could be described as a “clear liquid substance” include water, vodka, condensation, Sprite, hydrogen peroxide, plastic cement, silicone sealant, vinegar and nail polish remover.

A woman identified as Marriott’s girlfriend told police she’d been sleeping for three hours.

Marriott said he and his girlfriend went to the beach and a store to return a tent before coming home and napping together for three hours. The girlfriend, however, said she was the only person in bed.

Asked why he was sweating while his girlfriend was not, Marriott said the air conditioning was set at 82.

Marriott was arrested on a misdemeanor exposure of sexual organs charge.

But that’s just sharing with neighbors. Who knows, in Florida it might even be expected. Kind of like a “Howdy Ya’ll, have you met my playmate?” But even in Florida the police will get a tad edgy when you whip out your wonder toy on an unsuspecting teen.

Sanibel Police arrested a man after he was caught masturbating by a 15-year-old girl.

The girl told police that she noticed the man while walking on the beach front of Sanibel Beach Club II Tuesday afternoon.

She stated that she was unsure of what she saw so she walked past the man a second time.

This time the girl said he was still masturbating and she saw his genitals.

She did not know if the man was directing the action toward her, but she did state that she thought the man looked over at her during the act.

After seeing this, the girl went back up to the pool area and told her father.

The officer approached the man, who identified himself as Johnathon G. Muller of Clermont, FL.

The officer saw no evidence at the time that the 50-year-old had been masturbating.

On Thursday, the police interviewed the girl. She was able to give a description of Muller, the clothes he was wearing and repeated the story of what she saw that day.

Muller was charged with Lewd and Lascivious Behavior and taken to the Lee County Jail.

He was released on $2,500 bond.

As has been noted here before, Floridians go about things just a tad different than normal people. For example, most people, when they lose their job, file a grievance or go get drunk or complain to random strangers on the bus. But, in Florida, they cover themselves in gasoline and try to borrow a match.

A former employee of a High Springs gas station returned Monday night, poured gasoline on himself and his car, and tried to set both on fire, authorities said.

No one would give the man a lighter, however, and he was unable to ignite the spilled fuel.

A High Springs Police Department report gave the following account: Kalpeshkumar Patel, 40, of High Springs, pulled into the High Springs Chevron gas station and convenience store at 7820 SW 50th Road around 9:20 p.m.

Using a gas pump, he then poured gasoline on himself and the car and tried unsuccessfully to get a lighter from customers.

The owner of the store told police Patel had left him several threatening phone messages, including the threat that he would burn his car in order to destroy the store.

Patel was arrested on charges of aggravated assault and attempted arson of a structure. He was being held without bond at the Alachua County jail.

The obvious probelm, besides the fact that he’s an imbecile (and, yes, I owe a 500 word apology to imbeciles) is the fact that he’s selfish. Lisa Lanham brought her own lighter and decided to share hte joy of immolation with her husband and a neighbor.

As if it weren’t hot enough outside, this woman decided to really turn up the heat.

James Lanham, 36, told deputies that he awoke shortly before 1 a.m. to his wife, Lisa, setting their Golden Gates Estates home on fire with a lighter, according to a news release from the Collier County Sheriff’s Office.

Another man, Cameron Sanders, 24, who was living in a shed converted into a makeshift bedroom behind their home, told deputies that he also awoke to Lisa Lanham lighting his bed on fire, the report states.

Both the house and storage shed were in flames when deputies arrived. James Lanham was not injured; Sanders received minor burns to his feet and hands, according to deputies.

Lisa Lanham was charged with one count of attempted murder, two counts of arson of a dwelling, and one count of arson with bodily injury.

You know something? Maybe Florida has the right idea with letting untrained residents wander the hinterlands, far from any medical or official assistance, in search of crocodiles to wrestle. Herd thinning made easy.

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