Beware the Fish People!

There is something very wrong with me. Most people see a pretty field of flowers and think “Aww, pretty.” I see a pretty field of flowers and think “I wonder if we could attach bio weapons to the pollen.” See? A slightly different point of view. Another example is obviated by my incessant ranting that we are soon to be overthrown by robot overlords. Of course there is a plus to that. I mean robot overlords automatically mean a world with sex bots. But scientists aren’t content just to supply…

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A Badger Named Josiah & A Cow Named Mooly Wooly

I found about 100 stories about human trash doing trashy human stuff. And, for whatever reason, I just found it all too depressing. At some point the strippers and the politicians and the Floridians just get to be too much. Especially the Floridians. They just grind your soul into dust after a while. So, I went looking for something different. Something that would make me smile. But, with me being me, it couldn’t be the usual treacle. No plucky cancer survivor meets favorite ball player. No octogenarian graduates grammar school.…

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Thankfully There’s Nothing Offensive Here Today

Some days you just stare at the news and wonder what the hell people are thinking. From Michael James Lee running around waving a gun at people so that he could save a beach to the ingenious Marsha Usher who called 911 to find a spot to pee in the woods, it seems like there’s no end to the stupid train that keeps whizzing (if you’ll pardon the expression) by. In fact the United States government, responding to the fears of some really dump people, wasted all of June 1st…

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An Even Number of Odd Planets?

Let’s be honest, the image of the super stud slash party god slash multi-billionaire slash dedicated scientist is, as far as I can tell, a Hollywood creation. Which is a shame. But all is not lost. Science has given us all a grand dream and a worthy goal; SPACE-NOOKIE! But, as exciting as that may be for some, and you just suddenly completely rethought how you view the space station, in the main it means nothing to the rest of us. However, that may be changing. You see NASA launched…

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Happy Dead Stuff

Wednesday night my buddy, Jamie Duffy, killed himself. I got up early today and wrote a piece about all the people I have known who killed themselves, one way or another. From the gassy deaths of Jeff Ward and Jim Ellison to the cocaine and food fueled system failures of Darryl Pandy and Buddy Miles, it made for a really long article. Also depressing as hell. And while it was cathartic for me, I couldn’t think of three people I could lump together who would be able to make it…

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Laughing at Cripples

This has not been a good morning for me. I woke up and found my three year old kitty, Pumpkin, dead in the living room. Since she was a bright spot in my morning every day this hurts more than I care to discuss. She was unique in many ways, even by cat standards, so I guess that’s why she and I got along so well. She liked eating jalapenos and thought my farts were fun. There aren’t any people I could say that about. Anyway, I’ll miss her but…

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Sexico?

I like sex and I like Mexico. In fact, in a moment of journalistic transparency, I must admit that I have had sex in Mexico. Also, since my ex-wife is Mexican, I must also admit that I have had sex with a Mexican. Oddly enough, I did not have sex with that particular Mexican in Mexico. Oh well, that’s the way the tortilla crumbles. Not that I’m complaining. All in all things worked out for the best. But I have to admit, while Mexican women are sexy as hell, the…

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Rolling Back the Clock

I’m going to annoy a few of you today by using these fact thingies. First, the number of jobs our president just gave away to illegal immigrants is zero. Of the 1,400,000 people affected by his decree the majority are children and the rest are barely legal age. I know that’s not as much fun as the Tea Party cartoons that are festooned all over Facebook, but it is still the truth. Here’s another truth for you, it sucks to have a permanent tan if you meet the police. According…

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Getting Schooled

All across our great nation debates are swirling around the drain-hole of sanity concerning how we should educate our young. Are we spending too little or too much on them? Should education be standardized or should the ability to think critically be considered? In some cases the debate actually seems to be “If we should edjumakate them” in the first place. After all, they’re just going to grow up and make sneakers for $3.50 an hour since there will soon be no laws concerning child labor or minimum wage. Of…

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The Military Has Come Out of the (UFO) Closet

Before we begin, I’d like a show of hands, white people only. How many of you had applied for those great jobs that the President just handed to all those horrible illegal aliens? Anyone? Look, I know that we are all born stupid but there is no reason to stay that way. 150 years ago everyone in this country was, by modern standards, illegal or harboring same. The whole “illegal alien” movement was originally founded by the same fun loving psychopaths who passed laws in favor of eugenics and so…

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