Why Yes, That Is Still a Crime

I love a good crime. By that I mean the kind where no one gets hurt and the bad person gets brought to justice, such as it is these days. I’ll admit that I would prefer there be no crime at all but that doesn’t seem very realistic. I also happen to like a good conspiracy theory. One of my enduring faves is the whole sub-culture of UFOligists who claim to have been threatened by the men in black. They all point to the story of Dr. Herb Hopkins as though this was the proof you’ve been looking for. Okay, just for poops and giggles, let’s look at Dr. Hopkins’ story.

Dr. Hopkins claimed to have definitive proof of the existence of UFOs. He also claimed to have been visited by a bald, derby wearing, pale, man dressed all in black with fake lips drawn on his face. That was the “normal” part of his story.

This classic MIB story gets even stranger.

The odd visitor told Hopkins to take a coin out of his pocket and hold it in the palm of his hand.

“He said, ‘Watch the coin,’ and it started to develop a silver color instead of copper, and then the silver became bluish and the penny was getting quite fuzzy, out of focus, blurred, and then it simply was gone — it slowly dematerialized.”

Following the coin magic, the stranger ordered the doctor to destroy all information he had gathered about the UFO case.

“As he spoke his last words, I noticed his speech was slowing down. His words became slower and farther spaced. He slowly got to his feet, unsteadily, and he said very slowly, ‘My — energy — is — running — low — must — go — now — goodbye.’ Just like that.”

Hopkins said that the MIB — whoever or whatever he was — clung tightly to the railing as he went down the steps outside, placing both feet on each step, and then disappeared around the corner into a bright light.

When the chilling encounter was over, a terrified, intimidated Hopkins destroyed all traces of any UFO materials he had.

Oh what a shame. All his proof is gone and now the world will never know.

What a coincidence that this happened just as scientists were demanding that he put up or shut up. I mean the venerable Doc Hopkins wouldn’t make something like this up just to hide the fact that all his earlier claims were baseless fantasies. Would he?

You know what? He’s not even the weirdest guy in today’s blog.

Chow Hok Kuen was arrested for carrying roasted fetuses.

Forget about eye of newt. Real-life black magic practitioners are in the market for roasted fetuses.

British citizen Chow Hok Kuen, 28, was arrested in Thailand on Friday after police found six fetal corpses in his luggage, according to the Independent. The bodies, which belonged to fetuses between two and seven months old, had been roasted, and some were covered in gold leaf.

Thai police made the discovery after receiving a tip that a black magic services website was offering fetuses for sale, according to the New York Daily News. Roasting fetuses and covering them in gold is part of a black magic ritual called Kuman thong, which means “golden child” in Thai. The preserved bodies are thought to bring good fortune to the owner, according to the International Business Times.

Authorities believe that Chow was planning to smuggle the fetuses to his native Taiwan, where one corpse could sell for up to $200,000 Thai baht, or $6,376, WCVB reports.

How does this become a career choice?

“Wish me luck mom, I’m going to be selling gold plated fetuses in Thailand.”

“My son, my wonderful son, thank God you went to Oxford.”

Of course, if you want your kid to be resourceful then you want your kid to be just like Randy Smith.

He turned a children’s toy into a lethal weapon.

This is hardly child’s play: Randy Smith, 54, was reportedly found walking the streets of Fresno, Calif., Saturday night, carrying a Super Soaker that he had converted into a 20-gauge shotgun, according to KMPH.

Normally cops wouldn’t raise an eyebrow at someone waltzing around town with one of a high-powered plastic water guns, but an uptick in toy-to-gun conversions made officers more suspicious of Smith.

They stopped him and found that he had indeed fashioned a powerful weapon out of $30 worth of parts.

“He took the Super Soaker apart, was able to fashion a barrel to where he was able to make what’s considered a zip gun, where you can fire one round through it. In this case it was a 20-gauge shotgun shell,” Fresno Police Sgt. Mark Hudson told the station.

But as NBC pointed out, the conversion isn’t just illegal, it’s dangerous for the manufacturer. Makeshift barrels can explode under pressure, sending shrapnel and gunpowder flying.

“So they’re just relying on, maybe this [gun barrel] will hold up. Well, you could be putting a gun next to your head, or you could be putting a hand grenade next to your head,” Hudson said.

Again, what was the thought process there? Was there any?

Speaking of not thinking things through, if you go on a job interview and the job turns out to be “rob a casino” it is okay to turn that job down. Just ask Michael Belton.

A hapless bandit lost his wig, sunglasses and $115,000 worth of casino chips when security wrestled him to the floor during a botched weekend heist at a posh Vegas Strip resort, authorities said Monday.

Two men attempted to rob the Bellagio on Saturday night by spraying a blackjack dealer and others with a caustic eye-burning chemical, police said.

With the distraction in the air, Michael Q. Belton snatched up nearly two dozen high-value chips and took off for the door, according to a police report.

The man who sprayed the noxious gas escaped, but Belton was tackled to the floor and held until police arrived.

Belton struggled at first, according to the police arrest report, but then suddenly stopped fighting back against casino employees and surrendered.

He dropped 23 red, white and blue chips, valued at $5,000 each, police said.

“How long am I going away for?” Belton asked detectives during a recorded interview following his arrest, according to the report.

Investigators said Belton, of Nuevo, Calif., about 65 miles east of Los Angeles, told them he needed the money because he is unemployed and his grandparents are ill.

He told police he didn’t know the man who got away. Bolton told investigators he responded to an Internet posting for a job repossessing cars. But he said when he reached Las Vegas, the man who posted the job ad said he wanted him to help another man rob the Bellagio.

Belton was held Monday on $60,000 bail at the Clark County jail pending an initial court appearance Tuesday on felony robbery, conspiracy and burglary charges. It was not immediately clear whether he had a lawyer.

Officer Jose Hernandez, a department spokesman, said the investigation was ongoing and Belton would not agree to a jail interview.

The suspect who got away apparently did not take any chips as he fled. Police said all chips were recovered, and casino officials say they sustained no financial loss.

Well, at least he was trying to take care of his relatives (allegedly), which is more than can be said for Shana Bishop. She is the inspiration for moms the world over who tossed her naked kid in a pile of trash so she could dance in a driveway.

A South Carolina woman was arrested for child neglect last week after Spartanburg County Sheriff’s deputies discovered her naked 2-year-old son asleep in a pile of trash on the floor of her car, WYFF-TV reports.

The woman, 36-year-old Shana Bishop, pulled into a stranger’s driveway and began dancing around. A witnesses said that a cup holder from the car was stuck in Bishop’s hair.

A resident called authorities, who questioned Bishop. A Spartanburg Country Sheriff’s deputy said that the woman thought she was at her mother-in-law’s house, appeared to be under the influence of narcotics and admitted to prior use of methamphetamine.

Deputies found Bishop’s child sleeping on the trash-covered floorboard of the woman’s 1996 Cadillac DeVille, according to Go Upstate.

Bishop was arrested and charged with child neglect, according to court records.

The toddler, whom deputies said had welts and bruises on his legs, was taken to a regional hospital, then released into the custody of Bishop’s parents.

According to WYFF-TV, the woman’s parents “said they had been raising the child until three weeks ago, when Bishop took the boy and they were unable to find her.”

See, people, that is not how responsible World News Center readers party. No, we emulate Jerald Reiter and get drunk and go for a drive with our zebra.

An Iowa man stopped outside a Dubuque bar with a small zebra and a parrot in his truck has been charged with drunken driving.

KCRG-TV reports officers arrested 56-year-old Jerald Reiter of Cascade on Sunday in the parking lot of the Dog House bar, where people had been taking photos of the animals.

Reiter says the zebra and macaw parrot are pets and like riding in the truck. Reiter claims he sometimes takes the animals into the bar, but the owner says they’re not allowed inside.

Officers gave Reiter a field sobriety test and charged him with drunken driving. Reiter disputes the arrest. He says he was about to let a passenger, a person, begin driving.

He says he thinks someone who came to see the animals called police.

Is he sure? I mean, how cool would it be to be driven around Iowa by a zebra? I have had dreams like that.

Well, c’mon, who hasn’t?

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.