You Don’t Want to Believe

As a race, humans tend to put a happy face on things. And, in the main, that’s a good thing. We want to see the best in those around us. It’s better if we’re hurt when we’re disappointed. It shows that we still care and strive for better. It also reassures us that we can look in a mirror and know that we would not behave like that. That can be a powerful reassurance in troubling times. For example, a while back I wrote about a mom who dressed her kid up like a zebra, took him to the zoo and let him play in front of predators who like to eat zebras. She thought this was great fun. I joked that she practicing for the day when she could dress him like that and toss him in front of un-caged animals. I was making a funny, right? Maybe not. The Humane Society of America is suing an Oklahoma zoo, specifically the G.W. Exotic Animal Park, to get it to end the fun practice of placing children in pens with wild tigers and so on. The zoo claims that this is just a move to make them go bankrupt. Much like all the other fines and warnings they’ve picked up through the years trying to make an honest buck. Now, while it’s clear that the zoo owner is an idiot or a tool, depending on your mood, what stuns me is that parents take their kids there and plop them into pens with wild animals. That thing with the claws and the fangs is not Tigger, it is an Indian tiger and they eat meat and people are meat. As a side note, if things go to pot, here are some easy to follow recipes for how to cook people. Anyway, back on track, who in their right mind thinks this is a good idea? The one day the investigator was there videotaping all of this for in-court fun, he counted six incidents of biting and scratching. Those are cute when your kitten does them, not so much so when a hundred pounds of snarling fur is involved.

So far there have been no fatalities.

In other stuff I don’t want to believe but am forced to admit is true, the lady who looks like bacon, Patricia Kern a/k/a the Tanning Mom, posed braless for paparazzi and expressed a desire to appear in Playboy. Speaking as someone who has met quite a few Playboy models in his life, I can assure you that there will never be an issue that features Women Who Look Like Bacon.

Another thing I wish wasn’t true but is, is the recent trend of taping your neighbors having sex and then posting the recording on the internet. I get that people are frustrated by their lack of invitations to mattress mambo parties and it is even more irritating when your neighbors prove their joy by announcing in grunts and groans that sound less like clarions of ecstasy and more like cannibalism gone wrong. But, see, that is why there are cops. You call them and the message gets delivered personally and clearly without humiliating your neighbors on an international scale.

In Carbondale Colorado the local sheriff is reminding people to just ignore the naked men running around at night. It seems they’re harmless. They just have this burning desire to see nature au natural. They do, as many callers have noted, wear sneakers. And, since the naked guys aren’t dangerous at all, make sure to enjoy your stay and visit all the sights, the sheriff is also reminding people to call 911 the nanosecond they see one of these dudes.

Just in case. Not to worry. Everything’s fine. American Express is welcome at all the local shops.

More stuff that causes melon scratching is the new iPhone app that lets you read you pet’s mind. Even if your pet is a stuffed unicorn.

Pets can be frustrating.

Sometimes they just stare and stare at you — as if you’re supposed to magically know exactly what they’re thinking.

Well, an amusing (and free) iPhone app helps defuse those awkward moments by suggesting what might be on your beloved pet’s mind.

The app’s called CrossTuner and it can be downloaded from the Apple App Store. All you have to do in order to use it is point your iPhone’s back-facing camera at the confusing creature near you, select what it is (currently the only options are dog, cat and zombie), and speak.

As soon as the app detects sound, you’ll see what it believes your pet is thinking.

Since I didn’t have a cat, dog, or zombie on hand to test this app, I borrowed my co-worker’s stuffed unicorn. CrossTuner happily revealed what the fluffy creature is thinking — no matter what I claimed it was — so I suppose it could work on anything or anyone, whether there’s actual brain-activity involved or not.

I included the link to the app store since I know you want one.

But, if you’re like me, the worst news possible has come from Paris France, the topless dancers at the Crazy Horse have gone on strike.

Topless dancers at the renowned Crazy Horse night club in Paris have gone on strike, saying they are not being paid enough to take the shirts off their backs.

The Crazy Horse, one of the most popular establishments of its kind in the world, said on Wednesday it was forced to cancel performances on Tuesday and again on Wednesday for the first time since the cabaret was created in 1951.

The night club, which declined to give details on salary demands or current wages, said in a statement that it had always taken the wellbeing of its artists very seriously and that talks were continuing to resolve the dispute.

“It’s an exceptional place which has the specialty of presenting a fully naked show,” Suzanne, one of the dancers, told RTL radio.

“What’s wrong is that we are asked to work 24 days per month for a pay that is worose than miserable,” she said.

The cabaret’s management said it was doing everything possible to reopen.

“Everything is done to give the Crazy Horse show back to its public,” it said.

In the meantime, clients with tickets for a show on Tuesday or Wednesday will be offered a new date or a refund, a spokeswoman said.

The Crazy Horse, Lido and Moulin Rouge – where topless dancers perform in carefully orchestrated shows – have been top attractions for generations of tourists and locals.

This is the kind of situation that calls for immediate government intervention. This is the kind of event that can topple economies and cause widespread panic. We’re talking end of civilization here people so let’s take this seriously.

**sniff** the memories. Anyway, here’s a vid of the Crazy Horse in happier times.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.