The Responsible Ones

I once made $60 issuing these tests.
This Saturday night all right thinking Americans will be glued to Nude Hippo dot com or, if you live somewhere there is no internet, to NBC 5.2 (check your local listings). You see, this week marks the 15th Anniversary of Nude Hippo. 15 years of responsible adults doing things that are, for the most part, wildly irresponsible. I, for example, was tattooed by a stranger while being interviewed by a former hockey cheerleader and videotaped by a guy who claims to be either a simple citizen or member of an Eastern European crime syndicate (it depends on which day you catch him). . And not just any tattoo, I have the company logo forever on my ankle. But my little bouts of irresponsibility pale when compared to the fun stuff we’re going to talk about today.

Let’s start with the most egregiously overblown bit of hype going right now; the New Jersey Tanning Scandal. A mom, who looks like an ad for “Fun with Skin cancer,” has been charged with child endangerment and released on $25,000 bond for …. well, nothing really. See, she denies taking the kid into the tanning beds in the salon, the salon owner denies the kid was there and patrons deny the kid ever set foot beyond the waiting area. I understand that the teacher has to report this stuff when kids bring it up but shouldn’t the cops be required to, I don’t know, find out the facts first? Especially since the kid was clearly not burned.

I know, I know, I’m a silly Billy.

Another stunning example of a responsible adult, Octomom! (I’ve alwyas though that name should come with an exclamation mark), is reporting that after years of bad decisions she’s declaring bankruptcy and going to make a porno.

Well, thank God she’s finally doing something responsible.

Speaking of porn, Hustler Magazine just won a lawsuit concerning its publishing of the Nancy Benoit nudes after she was killed by her husband. Since she’d used the photos to promote her career they were not subject to any expectations of privacy. A jury had awarded Benoit’s family $3.5 Mil but that was tossed out.

Now, to ruin porn for you, an 8o year old granny has taken up pole dancing.

“Pole dancing is a special kind of dance,” (80 year old Sun) Fengqin told Reuters. “The dance moves that are done beside the pole are very elegant, especially when a woman dances these moves. It’s very feminine, enchanting and seductive. It’s full of youthful vigor and sexiness.”

Because pole dancing has a strip bar stigma in China, Fengqin kept her desire to learn the sport a secret from her family, but word soon got around, and her family discovered her hidden talents.

Despite her conservative background, Fengqin’s family approved — even her husband, although he was concerned because of a previous back injury she had.

Because of that injury, Fengqin can’t swing around the pole like her fellow, much younger students.

“When I see younger students dancing the moves that involve more technique, I envy them so much,” she admitted to Reuters. “Now, I’m practicing spinning around the pole and I only finished learning going up the pole.”

Fortunately, at least according to Jose De Jesus Miranda, the world’s going to end this June anyway and we won’t have to think about this.

Mark your calendars.

It’s going to be a busy year for end-of-the-world aficionados, now that Jose De Jesus Miranda has weighed in.

The U.S.-based religious leader is penciling in June 30 for the end of days, nudging out Mayan Doomsday enthusiasts who have have earmarked December 21, 2012 for humanity’s last gasp.

“An earthquake is coming,” Miranda proclaimed in an April 25 ministry broadcast.

“It is getting closer and we will see the catastrophes. What you have seen is nothing. What is coming is cities falling.”

But Miranda is bringing his own unique twist to the Apocalypse-faithful. While promising the “complete destruction of the bad seed,” the minister promises that he will emerge as a sort of superhero — with the power to fly and even walk through walls.

Mr. Doomsday, if you will. Or, as his followers call him, ‘Dad’.

What we do know of Miranda is that he was, in fact, born mortal — in Puerto Rico in 1946. By his own account, Miranda was visited by Jesus in 1973 — apparently the Messiah walked up to him and entered his body.

Hence, De Jesus.

From there, his pronouncements have only gotten more interesting.

In 1988, Miranda disclosed that he was actually the Apostle Paul. Not long after that, Miranda took it to the next level, calling himself both Jesus Christ and the Anti-Christ — a one-stop shop for all your Reckoning needs.

And that Reckoning is at the world’s doorstep.

Miranda marshals a plethora of ‘scientific’ evidence to back his claim, much of it revolving around the reversal of Earth’s poles causing “tectonic plates to heat up.”

“For 2012, we are expecting a change on the face of the earth and the destruction of the world will come.”

There’s also some economic oblivion thrown in for good measure — essentially a toppling of world governments prompted by financial meltdowns.

It all makes perfect sense to the ministry’s followers — legions of a not entirely disclosed number in some 130 countries.

“He’s in their heads, he’s inside the heads of those people,” U.S. religion expert Prof. Daniel Alvarez told CNN News in 2007. “De Jesus speaks with a kind of conviction that makes me consider him more like David Koresh or Jim Jones.”

He’s also in downtown Toronto these days. Sort of. Miranda offers a smiling salute from a billboard on Bloor Street West.

The Growing Grace ministry boasts 200 members in Toronto, Calgary, St. Catharines, Montreal and Vancouver.

Alex Poessy, the group’s bishop in Canada, told the National Post, “That day, the body of Jose de Luis de Jesus, who is a human like you and me, his flesh is going to be immortal…. He’s going to be living forever. And that will happen to him, but also his followers.”

Many of those followers get some unlikely ink to show their support for ‘Dad’ — the number 666 prominently emblazoned on their skin.

Don’t worry, Miranda explains, it’s actually a positive symbol.

In fact, Miranda’s followers crunch what might loosely be described as numbers in this statement to Miami New Times:

“Thousands worldwide are marked with the number of His name, 666. The Earth’s rotation has accelerated to a speed of 66,666 mph. All prophecies are fulfilling, even scientific, astronomical and numerological formulae are aligning – all pointing to the year 2012, where the Puerto Rican-born Jose Luis De Jesus (Latitude 66.6°) curiously turns 66.”

But not everyone is sold on this Doomsday prophet. Other religious groups seem more than a little chafed by Miranda’s prognosticaions.

“To put it bluntly,” writes Christian website GotQuestions.org. “Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda is a heretic. He is a false messiah who claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.”

Um, no, the earth is not rotating at 66,666 mph. Were that true we would all be dead already. It would nearly multiply the centrifigal force on everything, crush us all to death and would cause hurricane level winds to be the least of our concerns. Earth does orrbit the Sun, however, at over 67,000 mph. Anyway, let’s just say the man is an idiot and his followers are morons and leave it at that.

Still, each and every one of them are better than Jamie Calloway. She became the first woman arrested sporting a forehead tattoo. Naturally, it says GOD. And, just as naturally, she has a rap sheet longer than God’s resume.

Speaking of rap sheets, one guy who shouldn’t have one but does is Lorenzo Gaspar. He was arrested for using money to buy stuff. No, it wasn’t forged or anything like that, just old. His $50 bill didn’t react to the marker and the clerk called the cops. Any bill made when Carter was president or before suffers the same lack. Eventually they figured that out and let him go.

Not all elected officials are as smart as the cops who went and found out the facts. Nope, in North Carolina they passed a bill making gay marriage illegal so that … wait for it …. Caucasians can breed more.

No, I am really not making this up.

The wife of a North Carolina state senator reportedly told poll workers during early voting Monday that an amendment sponsored by her husband was intended partially to protect the Caucasian race.

Jodie Brunstetter is the wife of state Sen. Peter Brunstetter (R), a supporter of Amendment 1, which would change North Carolina’s Constitution to permit only heterosexual marriage.

According to the alternative Yes! Weekly, writer and campaigner Chad Nance spoke to a pollworker who told him that Jodie Brunstetter said, “The reason my husband wrote Amendment 1 was because the Caucasian race is diminishing and we need to uh, reproduce.”

I see. So, this bill will now force gay white men to have sex with her and her book club? I can’t wait to see how that gets enforced. And I’m sure the lesbian breeding farm they’re going to set up near Durham will be a real tourist attraction.

Insert Durham Bulls joke here.

In semi-related government news, the DEA is going to get sued and lose lots of money after leaving a kid in a cell for five days with no food or water. Daniel Chong was forced to drink his own urine, he ate his eye glasses and licked up meth that was on the floor while hallucinating. He lost 15 pounds during the ordeal and was just released fro the hospital.

The DEA has apologized.

Well, that’s okay then. Never mind.

But the most irresponsible people we meet today are from … drum roll please …. Sarasota Florida. A couple of drunken grandparents tied their grandkid’s toy car to the back of their SUV and took her for rides on the highway.

Wow, Florida, drunk and child abuse all in one article.

Two drunken grandparents were arrested for using their vehicle to pull their 7-year-old granddaughter in a toy car, the Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office said.

Belinda and Paul Berloni were arrested on Sunday after a deputy in a marked patrol car saw the SUV pulling a “small plastic hot wheels car” along an access road, authorities said. The vehicle was going about five to 10 miles per hour, the probable cause affidavit said.

The girl was wearing a bathing suit with no protective gear, authorities said. The toy car was attached to the SUV with two dog leashes tied to the trailer hitch, the affidavit said.

Paul Berloni, 49, smelled of alcohol and his eyes were bloodshot and watery, the affidavit said. When asked for his driver’s license, he said it had been revoked for 10 years for a DUI. He also told authorities he had two or three drinks, authorities said. He later said it was more but wasn’t specific, the affidavit said.

Belinda Berloni, 47, was in the cargo area with the rear hatch open cheering the little girl on, the affidavit said. She was also intoxicated and said she had a few drinks, authorities said.

She “also stated that she understood that it was dangerous to drag a child behind the vehicle but stated they were just having fun and had been doing it all day,” the affidavit said.

Belinda Berloni’s son, who is the girl’s father, arrived and was upset with his mother. He also said that he believed they had a drinking problem that may have affected their decision making, the affidavit said.

“The defendant and co-defendant failed to provide adequate supervision for the child and put the child in a situation that could have easily resulted in great bodily harm, permanent disfigurement and even death,” the affidavit said.

Paul Berloni refused to take a field sobriety test and was being held on $7,500 bond on Monday, a jail official said. He faces charges that include a fourth DUI offense, driving with a suspended license and cruelty toward a child. Belinda Berloni was released from jail Monday on supervised release and faces a child cruelty charge.

Well, what the heck is everyone going on about? At least she was wearing a bathing suit.

After all they was just funnin’, folks should just leave them alone.

For the sake of the kid, I’m glad folks didn’t just leave them alone.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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