Archives for April 2012

If you’re like me – and there are 3 states where that is illegal and 11 more that require a permit (so check with a lawyer first) – then you know there’s no better way to start your day then with a committed threesome and a slathering of grease. Put down the phone, there’s nothing your congressperson can do about my past. And, yes, the powers that be knew all about me when they handed me a contract. Of course, this time they were very careful to make sure I had easy access to coffee first. Of course, I was hired for a specific purpose. Any idiot can cover Pippa Middleton and her toy gun. No, I was hired to find and report on stuff that real adults care about. The Mormon Underwear Protests of September 2011, are a good example. So is the Gay Pseudo-Porn Meets Beloved Comic Book Icon article that inspired half the staff to completely reconsider their thoughts on Wonder Woman. The other half went quietly to the bathroom to reconsider their own feelings on gender bias.

And each and every one of them wants to know more about the joys of bacon lube, the mutli-orifice enhancer.

Get your spandex and handcuffs out — it’s about to get real slippery in here.

There’s been plenty of coverage about the morning-sex-inducing, bacon-flavored lube. But what about all the other greasy love products out there?

Today, a major rival will have its say in what could be the sexiest debate since Lincoln vs. Douglas in 1858. We’re talking, of course, about Baconlube vs. Honey Lube.

Yes, the founders of each sexual condiment has decided to lube up and smack down to convince you, the reader, to take their product into the bedroom.

In one corner, there’s Baconlube by J & D’s Foods — the result of an April Fool’s joke gone viral. Co-founder Dave Lefkow said his product smells as wonderful as the morning waft of sizzling pork in the bedroom.

In the other, there’s Honey Lube — a sexy side project of Honey Care Products — the brainchild of 20-year-old Maxx Appelman. It’s got all the nutrients of honey, and all the fruit produced by the birds and the bees.

I strongly encourage all our Hippoteers to try each product several times before making up their minds. And, you have to admit, this may be the only place in the universe where you could read the phrase “sexual condiment” and think it’s the most the most normal part of the blog.

But what if your personal love puppet won’t let you lube that special place with bacon? Not a problem. The Geminoid Singing Fembot is here to serve.

Look, robots are going to take over the world anyway so we may as well get a little freak on with them before we’re eliminated.

The video: Renowned Japanese roboticist Hiroshi Ishiguro wants to make androids that are so realistic they fool humans. And his most advanced effort, Geminoid F — the “F” is for female — is in the midst of her coming-out party at a Hong Kong mall, showing off for, and even singing to, passing shoppers and robot enthusiasts gathered for an international Robots in Motion exhibition. (See Geminoid sing below.) The fem-bot can smile, frown, pout, and make about 60 other facial expressions, powered by 12 mechanical actuators situated under her rubber skin. Most of Ishiguro’s androids sell for around $1.2 million, but Geminoid F will be more accessible at $110,000.

The reaction: “Girls, beware,” says the Daily Bhaskar. This “gorgeous female-looking robot” is so freakishly realistic, you may soon have some stiff competition. Yes, Geminoid F “can talk and sing like a human,” says John Walsh in Britain’s The Independent. But it’s not her “passive-aggressive sulk” or “blinking eyes and shy smile,” that I found creepy at a recent press conference — it was her minder, the twentysomething Japanese woman after whom Geminoid F is modeled. Stroking her android doppelganger’s cheek and hair with an indulgent smile, it looked like the minder wasn’t sure which one of them was the robot. See how real, or robotic, Geminoid F looks singing the Japanese pop song True True:

Of course, Sexbots have been around for a while. The basic concept hasn’t been that hard to bring to the fore. Mostly they’re just animated sex dolls with some cute features, like a willingness to say yes to whatever you want.

And it is in that spirit that a group is trying to save humanity by teaching perfectly boring young women how to be hookers. And, in fact, encourage them to compete in the International Miss Hooker Contest in Hollywood, California.

The “oldest living profession” was the backdrop for the oddest existing beauty pageant.

Nine gals were vying for the nation’s most coveted award: Miss Hooker 2012. The competition was held at the Dragonfly Bar in Hollywood, California. Questions darted through my head. Where was the tenth shady lady listed on the event flyer? Was she strolling down the runway at the county jail? Was Donald Trump her “one phone call?” Was this a battle of beauty, brains and bedroom skills; or something altogether different? And if turning tricks was a pageant prerequisite, what about an arrest record? Would this mean bonus points or disqualification? Might someone win Miss Congeniality; or were all gals deemed “congenial” by thriving in this “people person” profession in the first place?

After arriving at the contest, I learned my preconceived notions were premature: none of the girls were hookers. In fact, during backstage interviews with several contestants, I learned they had never even met a call girl.

“Frankly, I’m more qualified to be Miss Hooker than you,” I told Miss Anthropy, a tall brunette immersed in silver sequins. “At least, I’ve known prostitutes.”

Another competitor told me she had a serious crush on Johnny Depp, thus if given the opportunity, would charge him zero for her services. I informed her she clearly lacked the business acumen to work in this specialized field.

The talent competition was another area of consternation. One girl ate a hot dog. Another read a book on stage and still another twirled the hula hoop — clearly not the skills I expected from Heidi Fleiss wannabes.

Yet, when contestant Miss Kitty Cadillac worked the stripper pole and set her breasts on fire, the show climaxed. The crowd roared and the judges were mesmerized. Then Kitty purred through her interview question with a raunchiness that made her the ideal candidate for the crown. She was asked at what point a girl becomes a woman, and replied that it required mastering a particular sexual position (details which I cannot disclose without alarming the moral majority). Kitty’s erotic answer sealed the deal. She had come from humble beginnings in her lifelong quest (or rather her two-month quest) to be Miss Hooker 2012; and she had prevailed.

However, the competition was more than frivolity, gigolo jokes and roasted mammary glands. It was an opportunity to explore the deeper questions of life, such as, “Where the heck is contestant number ten and can she meet bail?” I was told she had never shown for rehearsals, thus proving two things: she had not taken prostitution training seriously, and she’d opted not to “show up” in life.

“Showing up” is a field of study unto itself. I’ve been informally examining it for the past eight years, since being elected into local political office and working as a Los Angeles city commissioner. Although women comprise 51 percent of the population, they are glaringly absent from political, legal and community events. Women fought tirelessly for the vote during the 19th and early 20th century, and they yearn for equality; but today they earn 77 cents on the male dollar. They claim to want leadership roles in society; but comprise only 16.4 percent of U.S. Congress and only 22.1 percent of executive positions — a number that has decreased in the past decade, according to the Center for American Women and Politics at Rutgers University.

Politics is where the power is, so if women desire that power, why does testosterone consume the room when it is time to affect change? Why are political events crammed with dudes? Do most ladies lack interest in these matters? Are they secretly content with letting men lead? Or are they are intimidated by a society-wide “males only” mentality?

Miss Demeanor, who had hula-hooped her way to a loss in the Hooker pageant, told me that women don’t “show up” because the world is a boys’ club. Women are quietly edged out of the arena. “My mom said I could be whatever I wanted, but not every girl gets this sort of encouragement.”

Regardless of whether Miss Demeanor is right, the first step towards true equality is realizing where the power is and “showing up” to grab it. Females must burst into the public sphere, frequenting political meetings, community events and legal forums. They must run for political office, and elect each other. They must assert their opinions, rather than let males dominate the conversation. They must stop muffling their voice.

I was glad I “showed up” to meet the beautiful and empowered women who participated in this admittedly bizarre pageant; they were independent, stylish and strong. I congratulated the winner, Miss Kitty Cadillac, who flaunted her leg tattoo, leopard print leotard and rhinestone wand from the edge of the stage. She gave me reassurance that she was the right gal for the job, confiding that she had once met a call girl and had no interest in Johnny Depp.

“Good for you,” I smiled. “You’re as qualified as I am to wear that crown.”

**sniff**

Doesn’t that just make you proud to be a human?

While some of the “woman’s empowerment” campaigns baffle me, and most right thinking humans, combining fun, intellect and sexuality isn’t one of the confusing ones. It is this kind of stuff that, while superficially odd, is exactly what we humans need.

No robot overlord, no matter how well programmed, will ever replace a woman greased with bacon hanging off a stripper pole.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Once upon a time there were these cute little things called Dinosaurs. They didn’t call themselves that, of course, Latin hadn’t been invented yet. They tended to call themselves Grrnnk and other colorful phrases. That quibble aside there have been some interesting works of fiction which deal with intelligent dinos. From children’s books such as Dinotopia by James Gurney to adult fiction such as The Homecoming by Barry B. Longyear, which would do very bad things to real estate values if it came true, many authors have looked at what intelligent dinos might mean to you. But we all know that dinos were tiny brained things. Even the terrifying velociraptors in Jurassic Park don’t seem all that threatening when you realize that we have really big guns and stuff like that.

But what if they had big guns too? And space ships and …. well, bad things would happen. Right? Maybe, maybe not. They might be gloriously peaceful and intergalactic vegetarians.

Dr. Robert Breslow, an internationally renowned chemist, issued a press release about ancient amino acids that had a blockbuster finish.

An 
implication 
from
 this 
work 
is 
that 
elsewhere 
in 
the 
universe 
there 
could 
be 
life 
forms 
based
 on 
D 
amino 
acids 
and 
L 
sugars, 
depending 
on 
the 
chirality 
of 
circular 
polarized
 light 
in
 that 
sector 
of 
the universe or 
whatever 
other 
process 
operated 
to 
favor 
the 
L
α‐methyl 
amino acids 
in 
the 
meteorites 
that 
have landed
 on Earth. 

Such 
life 
forms 
could 
well 
be 
advanced 
versions 
of 
dinosaurs, 
if 
mammals 
did 
not 
have the good
 fortune 
to 
have 
the 
dinosaurs 
wiped 
out 
by 
an 
asteroidal 
collision,
 as 
on 
Earth. 

We 
would 
be 
better 
off not 
meeting 
them.

Our old pal Ian O’Neill takes a look at the ramifications.

It sounds like the ultimate science fiction storyline: what if the dinosaurs weren’t wiped-out by an asteroid impact 65 million years ago? Perhaps they’d still be alive today, in an advanced evolutionary state, developing their space program and their own asteroid impact mitigation strategies. Sadly for us, this would have probably meant that mammals wouldn’t have gotten a foothold and the fledgling human race would have become glorified dino-chum.

In new research published in the Journal of the American Chemical Society, the rather outlandish prospect of alien — not terrestrial — dinosaur life is explored by Ronald Breslow. And these dino-aliens (“Dinolians”?) didn’t have the misfortune of being smacked by an asteroid and/or get snuffed out by a volcanic eruption.

But before we get too carried away with thoughts of pirate Velociraptors flying space shuttles, attacking interplanetary supply ships (too late!), there is actually some scientific reasoning behind this work — even though the “alien dinosaur” conclusion is a bit “iffy.”

All sugars, amino acids, DNA and RNA exist in one of two possible orientations, left-handed or right-handed. This handedness is known as “chirality.” The theory is that for life to be possible, proteins must contain only one chiral form of amino acids, left or right, for example. Apart from a few bacteria, the chirality of amino acids of all life on Earth is left-handed.

One theory of how life was spawned on Earth is through a mechanism known as “panspermia” — basically, life has the ability to “hop” from one planet to the next encased in the protective shell of meteoroids. If life on Earth was indeed started via a cosmic “seed,” then perhaps life evolved elsewhere in a similar manner as it did on our planet. Perhaps life even evolved with a different chirality than Earth.

“Such life forms could well be advanced versions of dinosaurs, if mammals did not have the good fortune to have the dinosaurs wiped out by an asteroidal collision, as on Earth,” Breslow speculates. “We would be better off not meeting them.”

But this conjecture makes Dinosaur Tracking’s Brian Switek’s “brain ache” — why Breslow is speculating about advanced alien dinosaurs doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

“Our planet’s fossil record has intricately detailed the fact that evolution is not a linear march of progress from one predestined waypoint to another,” says Switek. “Dinosaurs were never destined to be. The history of life on earth has been greatly influenced by chance and contingency, and dinosaurs are a perfect example of this fact.”

In other words, there’s no reason to think dinosaurs are an inevitable consequence of the evolution of life. It just so happened that life on Earth produced dinosaurs, but they aren’t the only examples of life and life doesn’t have to go through a “dinosaur phase” before it can move onto the next evolutionary step.

So, although there may well be alien equivalents of T. rex’s elsewhere in the galaxy struggling to steer spaceships with their tiny arms (an evolutionary attribute that may have snuffed-out that particular dinosaur species anyway), this is just as fanciful as any other science fiction alien.

Most xeno-evolutionists (cool folks who use really hard science to speculate about possible evolutionary paths) tend to agree that successful creatures would have some similar traits. They would need the ability to grasp and reach. They would need to have the ability to be mobile. The obvious stuff about intelligence is a given. But those requirements would allow a lot of diversity.

In other words, we can all laugh at Dr. Breslow’s whimsy, we’ll also pause every time we see one of those walking lizards.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

We start our article today with the humble, and respectful, beginnings of a family. According to Rick Santorum and his ilk, this is exactly the kind of thing we should encourage. “Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m – 28 (Aragon Ballroom) : Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots. You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings. I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got f***ed up. You had a nice c**k and I was wasted so I let [you] raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise. Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.”

While I admit that, on the one hand, it’s good to see that this young woman feels confident enough to raise a child today, on the other hand I’m thinking she should be the poster child for birth control.

I’m sure that, piercings, questionable morals and tats aside, she’ll be one of those cool moms who does stuff for her kids like build an entire room dedicated to Narnia so that her child can live in fear of the evil Calormenes coming through the closet while she/he sleeps. Or, maybe, she’ll be that fun parent who builds a functioning Hobbit Hole in the backyard. Or maybe she’ll be the whimsical mommy who builds a World of Warcraft bathroom complete with sword.

One things for sure though, if she follows the current trend in mommying, that kid will never be allowed to actually touch or play with any of that stuff.

Given the lengths so-called helicopter parents will go to protect their children, one would think an actual helicopter blade were hurtling toward their sheltered offspring. I suspect the stress caused by parents’ fears might harm kids more than the occasional stitch-worthy gash, or bump on the head.

Case in point: crawling helmets.

Seems some parents are so concerned about the rate at which their babies are ambling about the living room that they are purchasing crawling helmets for their high velocity tots. (No, these aren’t helmets for head-shaping or other medical needs; they’re just to protect babies from hitting their heads while doing normal baby activities.) If your baby can’t face the rigors of crawling, how will your toddler learn to walk? Will your Kindergartener ever ride a bike? I guess you can forget about contact sports, driving, and frat parties.

The sales pitch for the crawling helmet includes mention of hardwood and tile floors, implying that responsible parents protect defenseless children from these horrors. I am not one of those responsible parents. I left my newborn daughter alone on the sofa cushion with her 2-year-old brother standing guard. Neither wore helmets. Twenty seconds later I’m watching my toddler son pull his baby sister by the feet onto the wood floor, where her little head took quite a blow.

That’s it, I thought, I’ve killed my baby.

And yet, she was okay. No blood, no broken anything, no brain damage. This kind of incident might prompt some parents to buy a crawler helmet. To me it just proves they aren’t necessary. Seriously, twelve years later, my daughter scores well on standardized tests. We’re fine.

Fear breeds fear, so let’s all take a deep breath, shall we?

Some other things we can probably stop worrying about:

BPA: Plastic probably isn’t going to kill your kid. Not today, anyway. And if you’re so worried about packaging poisons, why are you feeding your child the kind of crap that comes in plastic containers?

Lascivious lyrics: Those rap dudes are only saying out loud what every other boy is thinking, or um… visualizing. Teach kids to respect one another, and let them think they’re getting away with something by listening to the dirty songs.

Salmonella: Oh, wait, that one’s real.

Blenders: Who is afraid of blenders? Apparently Alicia Silverstone is terrified of hers. Why else would she chew her son’s food for him? Granted, my Oster frightens the dog, but it’s great pureeing soups and veggies for babies. No spit required.

Okay, in a moment of journalistic transparency, I have to admit that the young lady at the beginning of this article pretty much described my sex life in the 80’s, complete with Motorhead.

But sans the portable mutant human.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

If you happen to be a prestidigitating paraskevidekatriaphobic then today is wrought with horrible magic for you. For the rest of us it’s another day that’s just as good or bad as any other. Today, if you watch the news, you will be assaulted with lists of all the horrible things that have happened on Friday the 13th through the years. The first will be the fall of the Knights Templar at the duplicitous hands of King Philip IV of France and Pope Clement V on Friday the 13th in October of 1307. That one’s a juicy one since it features the only publically recorded curse attributed to God. Jacques de Molay, as he was about to be burned at the stake, claimed that God would strike both Philip and Clement dead for their deeds and, indeed, both men were dead within less than two months.

You will also hear from many noodle headed experts who will claim this is an ancient tradition, some will say dating back to the bible. These people are, using the technical term, deluded morons. Fridays have been bad news for a while, even Chaucer wrote disparagingly about them in his Canterbury Tales back in the 1,400’s. And the number 13 has, for reasons lost in the mists of time, been one to avoid since Babylon reigned supreme in the Middle East. It is even highly likely that Jesus knew about the superstition and selected the number of His apostles to prove the belief baseless. That would fit well with many of His reality based teachings.

But for any reference specific to Friday the 13th you need to be far more modern.

In 1907 an author named Thomas Lawson released a novel called “Friday the 13th.” In it a man uses superstition and greed to con a bunch of people and manipulate the stock market and cause it to crash. It was a popular book at the time and is also the first recorded use of Friday the 13th. So much for ancient and mystical. If you’re over 50, your grandparents could have had a slightly used copy of this book.

They may have even noted the eerie similarities in his book to the real stock market crash of 1929.

Still other featherheads will point to the 1993 study published in the British Medical Journal which compared the number of auto accidents on any given Friday the 6th versus Friday the 13thand said “Friday the 13th is unlucky for some. The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 percent. Staying home is recommended.”

Smart people just went “Hey, wait a minute, that research is horribly flawed.” And they are 100% right. When you compare Friday the 13th with other stressful days such as tax day, major holidays and so on, the accident rate falls right into the norm. In other words, events that cause people to stress out also cause them to become distracted and those distractions lead to accidents.

You know that phrase “It’s all in your head?” Well, in this case it’s true.

Just FYI, the word paraskevidekatriaphobic comes from the Greek; Paraskevi means Friday and dekatreis means 13. You can also call the fear of Friday the 13th Friggatriskaidekaphobia in honor of the Norse God Frigga whose name is where the word Friday comes from.

Yeah, a little etymology to brighten your day.

Okay, now for some meaningless fun.

In Spanish speaking countries, people fear Tuesday the Thirteenth or Martes Trece as it is called. The reason is that that was the day that Constantinople fell to the Ottoman Empire. That tradition does date back hundreds of years and is well documented.

In Italy, home of the Catholic Church and what many believe to be the root of the superstition, the number 13 is considered lucky and the day they avoid is Friday the 17th. So, go figure.

Some folks can’t resist tweaking their noses at superstitions. Black Sabbath released their debut album on Friday the 13th in February of 1970 and they did okay. The 13th book of A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (a/k/a Daniel Handler) was released on Friday, October 13th, 2006 and he’s made goo-gobs (that’s a financial term) of money. And Adventure/Quest World, an online video game featuring the music of one of my faves, Voltaire, features famous guests every Friday the 13th.

This year there will be three Friday the 13ths and they are spaced 13 weeks apart.

Heh.

But, far be it for me to deny you something legitimate to worry about. On April 13, 2029 (a Friday), the asteroid 99942 Apophis (named after an angry Egyptian god) will come so close to the earth that it will be closer to our atmosphere than our man made satellites. If it gets caught in our gravity well it could do damage of apocalyptic proportions.

Or it could just ricochet harmlessly off into space.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I know, I know, you’re busting out the Kleenex in anticipation and, don’t worry, we’ll get to the porn stuff. But many readers want to know the proper way to celebrate Easter since they are unclear on it’s pagan roots. Allow me to help.

Czech Republic and Slovakia: In both the countries, women can expect to get (a) whipping. As a part of the Easter tradition, men beat girls and women with decorated handmade whips. However, the whipping is not intended to be painful. It is believed that whipping on the Easter day makes women more healthy and beautiful.

Finland: In Finland, the Easter celebrations have a Halloween look as the children dress up as witches with broomsticks hanged around their necks. They wander in the streets in search of treats. It is believed that during the festival, witches become more powerful and bonfires are made to scare them off.

Australia: Usually, all over the world it is the Easter Bunny that brings in the chocolates and hides the eggs, but in Australia it is an Easter Bilby that brings the eggs. One reason behind this interesting change is to create awareness on bilby which is an endangered species in Australia and another reason is a dislike towards the bunnies which destroy the crops. On Easter, chocolate bilbies will be made.

Colombia: Colombians have strange dinner menu for the Easter day. Instead of chocolates and eggs, they dine on iguana, turtles and big rodents for the feast.

Germany: In other countries Easter eggs are hidden and children go for egg hunting but in Germany Easter eggs instead are displayed on trees and prominently in streets. Some of the trees will have thousands of multi color eggs hanged on them.

Greece: Easter is known for multicolor-decorated eggs, but in Greece you will find only red color eggs. Greeks paint all their eggs only red and use these for making the Easter bread.

Hungary: Hungarian women get a water splash on Easter day, as per the tradition. The men pour water on traditionally dressed women on the Easter day.

Polish Traditions: The master of the house is not permitted to take part in the Easter bread preparation, because it is believed that dough will fall on his moustache making it go grey and the dough will fail. They also believe that swallowing a willow catkin from a branch consecrated by a priest would bring health.

In other words, dress your kids like they’re going to a Harry Potter film fest, find some women and get them very wet and then whip them while all the men stay out of the kitchen and avoid getting dough on their mustaches. Because nothing says “Resurrection of our Lord and Savior” like a bunch of kids dressed for Satanic rituals while the adults get involved in some playful S&M.

That’s what Jesus would do.

Or not. Who the hell knows any more?

Anyway, in keeping with that train of thought, let’s go now to the nice church where they showed gay porn for some kids’ Communion.

Holy oops!

The Catholic Church launched an investigation after an Irish priest inadvertently played a slide show of gay porn to a group of parents who had come for a meeting about their children’s First Communion.

Father Martin McVeigh was setting up a PowerPoint presentation last week when the sexual images popped up on the computer, The Ulster Herald reported.

“There were plenty of shocked faces,” one person at the meeting told the newspaper. “There’s a lot of parents very angry about it.”

Parents said in a statement that McVeigh quickly removed the offending memory card from the computer and bolted from the room.

“He was visibly shaken and flustered,” the statement said, according to The Associated Press. “He gave no explanation or apology to the group and bolted out of the room. The coordinator and the teachers then continued with the presentation.”

McVeigh returned to the meeting 20 minutes later and told parents that children get lots of money for their Holy Communion and should consider giving some of it to the church.

Parents present at the meeting were understandably furious and many of them pulled their children from the First Communion program, The AP reported.

On Monday, the head of the Catholic Church in Ireland, Cardinal Sean Brady, said McVeigh had no idea how the images got on the memory stick and was assisting with the investigation.

“The priest has stated that he had no knowledge of the offending imagery,” Brady said in a statement. “The archdiocese immediately sought the advice of the [Police Service of Northern Ireland\], who indicated that, on the basis of the evidence available, no crime had been committed.”

McVeigh reportedly said other church officials had access to the memory stick as well.

“I don’t know how it happened but I know what happened,” he said.

Yeah, the magic gay porn fairy put it there. Happens all the time. You know where else the magic gay porn fairy likes to hide stuff? Brand new cell phones.

Gina Lala’s new phone from a Verizon store in Skokie, Ill. came with a few features she wanted, and at least one she didn’t: graphic pictures of naked men, lots of them.

“I go to the photo gallery and there are pictures of people I don’t know, that have obviously been on the phone, very disturbing pictures, very offensive,” Gina told Chicago’s NBC5. “I got very upset. I have young kids and they go through my phone. They play with my phone!”

The manager of the independently-owned store in Skokie took care of her situation, she says, and made her a promise: “Assured me this was a mistake and it would never happen again. And sure enough, it happened again — with my mom.”

One year later, same store — it happened again. This time it did not have the pornography. The “new” phone was purchased by Lala’s mom, Nancy, an iPhone she says she was excited to bring home.

“And I looked at the box, and on the back of the box there was a little sticky note that said this phone had been slammed on a desk and there’s a nick on the back of it,” Nancy said. She showed NBC5 the yellow sticky-note from the box, as you can see in the video here on NBC Chicago.

While most of the phones sold as new are, indeed, new gadgets, Target 5 found this is a problem that continues to plague consumers around the world. Customers sound off about the practice online; in China, a lawsuit was filed by angry iPhone users who allege they were sold refurbished phones with dwindling warranties.

The manager of the store in Skokie told Target 5 he remembers the Lala’s two incidents, and admits mistakes happen. Verizon Corporate issued this statement in response to NBC5’s inquiry:

We require full disclosure that a device has been previously used. Equipment sales are the agent’s independent business, however. To the extent full disclosure was not provided, we would certainly take corrective action. We appreciate the issue being brought to our attention and we are committed to ensuring adherence with our policies. We will address any customer concerns directly. It is our goal to ensure customer satisfaction.

After their experience, the Lalas question if this is a problem experienced more at independently owned stores, versus corporate branches. The CTIA, a group that represents the wireless industry, did not respond to our repeated calls for comment on the questions surrounding this issue. But the following wireless companies did respond to consumer complaints about sales of refurbished phones represented as new.

Here’s what a few other providers said about their policies.

Cricket Wireless
• It is Cricket’s policy not to sell refurbished phones as new to customers.

The company says it takes this policy seriously, and in recent months revoked the sales privileges of six stores that were selling refurbished phones as new.

AT&T
• With one of the broadest portfolios of Smartphones in the industry, AT&T is proud to offer great devices at a variety of price points. One way we do this is by offering customers the opportunity to purchase refurbished phones at lower costs than new ones. Our refurbished phones are clearly marked as such at point of sale. They are phones that have been returned to the store within 30 days of purchase. The software on all refurbished phones has updated and reset so as to remove any information about the previous owner.

Tiger Direct
• In today’s marketplace, cellphones are available from a variety of channels. Online, small phone stores, and even at gas stations. Refurbished (sometimes called recertified or “previously owned”) phones serve as replacements for the majority of phone carriers when your phone is damaged. They are also a good value for people buying phones without contracts or even for use with prepaid services.
• TigerDirect sells new, as well as refurbished phones – including those with and without service. All products on our website and in our retail stores clearly show the product condition to ensure customers are clear on what they are purchasing.

Refurbished phones are always marked as such – and generic packaging (plain white or brown box) is a great indicator. (New phones tend to come in branded packaging.) At smaller retailers and gas stations, many of the inexpensive phones available are refurbished as well – even though they may be in a very attractive sealed plastic package. “

“Realizing that I paid for a new phone and did not get a new phone, that it was like you were selling me a used product and it was expensive!” said Nancy.

Like mother, like daughter, Lala echoed the sentiments.

“I’m paying full price for a brand new phone and I get a refurbished phone — it’s kinda like I was scammed!”

No, it was EXACTLY like you were getting scammed.

Speaking of scams, you have to give this next guy credit. He sued, and briefly won, a £750 million lawsuit demanding to be allowed to have sex in prison.

Rayden Simon Kullem, who is from Zimbabwe, claimed his human rights were being breached by the ban.

And due to an administration blunder he temporarily won his case by default – after Government solicitors failed to oppose his case.

This led to an urgent court hearing being held, in which a top judge dismissed the “preposterous” claim.

Kullem is in Hull Prison awaiting deportation to Zimbabwe following the end of his prison sentence. He has twice failed in his bid to become a UK citizen.

Kullem launched a civil claim against the Government last September on the grounds it was a breach of his human rights not to be allowed to have sex in prison.

It’s a really long story but it all comes down to this. He has to get his sexy on in the shower just like the other inmates.

And, no, he doesn’t get the money.

By the way, assuming I got all the rules right, this is the perfect Easter video.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.