Archives for April 2012

We all know there are things we probably shouldn’t do. I’m not just talking about some tawdry night in a bar that goes wrong and right at the same time. No, I’m talking about those decisions we make while allegedly sober. For example, some people, mostly teenagers, seem to think that putting an ice cube on a hand full of salt is big fun. And it is as long as you’re a fan of major burns. Other kids like to try the cinnamon challenge because nothing says “good times” like puking up enough red dust to look like you’re an extra in Dune. And before you go off railing against the idiocies of public education, I should note that Lela Davidson from MSNBC has had to deal with her kids falling prey to this stuff.

When I noticed the dark brown wound on the back of my 13-year-old son’s hand, he explained that he had burnt himself with salt and ice. “I just wanted to see if it would work,” he said. “It didn’t even hurt.” When my shock turned to anger, he implicated his 11-year-old sister as an accomplice. I had apparently raised not one, but two, “gifted” children.

Why would honor students with no history of drug use or brain disorders maim themselves in the name of curiosity? They saw it on YouTube, naturally.

Hollye Grayson, M.A., MFT, works extensively with Los Angeles teens and she points out that our hyper-social society allows teens to emulate kids they would not associate with in person. These virtual peers can provide real validation.

“It’s a cool factor,” she says. “‘Look how cool that is. Look how many hits, how many people are looking at that cool thing he did.’” Even high achieving kids may crave this kind of attention. It’s different from the approval they receive from parents and teachers. “Before YouTube we didn’t have to worry about something like this. This is clearly a big problem now, with these kids copying these crazy things.”

After the salt and ice incident, I talked with my daughter and a friend who had tried similar feats, like the cinnamon challenge, she saw on YouTube. The friend told me that kids copy the videos because they are funny, and because they want to prove for themselves that the results in the video really happen. This was the reason my own children had given for the idiotic stunt. I asked if she applied the same logic to trying drugs. “Oh, no way,” she assured me. “They teach us about drugs at school. They don’t teach about this stuff.”

As if teachers don’t have enough to do.

Ah yes, because as well all know, teachers are woefully overpaid and under-worked.

But, then again, a little pro-active education might have prevented this fiasco. Ravshan “Ronnie” Usmanov became one of the few people convicted of posting revenge porn.

When he posted his ex-girlfriend’s nude pictures on Facebook three months after their split, Ravshan ”Ronnie” Usmanov, 20, probably wasn’t thinking “Hey, this is my ticket to six months house arrest as the first social network-related conviction in Australian history!”

A similar thought probably wasn’t going through the unidentified ex either when, during a happier time in their relationship, she posed for the pics: “Hey, this is my ticket to Facebook humiliation!”

Yet for both, that’s exactly what happened. The Sydney Morning Herald reports:

The six pictures, according to court documents, showed his ex-girlfriend ”nude in certain positions and clearly showing her breasts and genitalia.

Shortly after posting the pictures on his Facebook page in October last year, Usmanov emailed his girlfriend with the message: ”Some of your photos are now on Facebook.” She had ended their relationship and moved out of their shared home less than three months earlier.

The woman, who the Sun-Herald has chosen not to identify, ran to Usmanov’s flat at Pyrmont, demanding he take down the pictures. When he refused, she called the police.

Usmanov’s lawyer said her client’s crime was not a “serious offense,” according to court documents — a claim on which sentencing Deputy-Chief Magistrate Jane Mottley quickly called shenanigans.

”What could be more serious than publishing nude photographs of a woman on the Internet, what could be more serious?” Mottley said in court records.
Describing a type of reputation decimation both unique and common to the Internet age, Mottley explained, ”It’s one thing to publish an article in print form with limited circulation. That may affect the objective seriousness of the offense but once it goes on the World Wide Web via Facebook, it effectively means it’s open to anyone who has some link in any way, however remotely.”

Mottley’s words are probably echoed by more than a few victims of recently shuttered U.S. “revenge porn” website Is Anyone Up, which the Village Voice recently described as “a virtual grudge slingshot of a website that gleefully publishes ‘revenge porn’ photos — cellphone nudes submitted by scorned exes, embittered friends, malicious hackers and other ne’er-do-well degenerates — posted alongside each unsuspecting subject’s full name, social-media profile and city of residence.”

My first thought is “Really? You’re that freaking petty? No wonder she dumped you.”

That is also my second thought.

My third would run along the lines that there should be jail time attached to actions such as these.

After all, Clown Red, could get five years for stealing a soda.

Well, it was in a Florida McDonald’s, a place where they REALLY REALLY prize their soda.

It was the ultimate heist: ask for a free cup for water, but fill it with soda.

That’s the alleged plot that 52-year-old Mark Abaire hatched on Thursday before he was caught by Florida McDonald’s employees and charged with felony theft, the Naples Daily News reported.

Abaire — whose aliases include Red, Clown Red and Clown — entered the Naples franchise at about 10 p.m. and asked for a cup of water. Then he allegedly snuck some pop into the cup, despite a conversation with an employee that he couldn’t do so, the Sun Sentinel reported.

The soda was valued at $1.

“Clown Red” allegedly refused to leave the burger joint, so a manager called cops.

Abaire was charged with felony petty theft because he had previous theft convictions, among other crimes. He was also charged with misdemeanor counts of trespassing and disorderly conduct. He faces five years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

Well, Red can thank his lucky stars he didn’t try that crap in Georgia. Police there report that Granny Lulu got into a shootout with some thugs and messed them up good.

Authorities in Georgia say a grandmother foiled a robbery attempt by two armed men by getting into a shootout with them, injuring one man.

Police told The Telegraph that Lulu Campbell just dropped off her grandson at her daughter’s house early Saturday morning when someone demanded money outside her car, threatening to shoot her.

Campbell says the man fired at her, missing. The 57-year-old fired back, striking him in the chest. Her truck sustained eight bullet holes in the hood, one in the grill. Both front side windows were destroyed. The second man fled after she shot at him.

Campbell, who owns convenience stores and gas stations, always is armed.

Police say 32-year-old Brenton Lance Spencer has been hospitalized and was charged with aggravated assault and attempted armed robbery.

Well, good for her.

I have no problems with guns, I just think that a little firearm education can go a long way and prevent tragedies like this one. Steven Egan, a Floridian in case you needed to be told that, shot his girlfriend.

Why? Good question.

Becasue he thought she was a wild hog.

A Florida hunter accidentally shot his girlfriend thinking that she was his target — a wild hog.

Cops said that Brandon man Steven Egan, 52, was hunting from a tent in Flagler County on Saturday when Egan heard a noise that he thought was similar to that of his prey. He took a shot at it, not realizing his significant other wasn’t in the tent with him, according to the Orlando Sentinel.

The shot sent a .30-caliber rifle bullet through both of 52-year-old Lisa Simmons’ legs. Simmons was airlifted to the hospital where she was recovering from surgery on Sunday, the News-Journal reported.

Egan maintained that he fired in the first place because he had seen a real hog just minutes before the accidental shooting, WFTV reported. No charges were filed.

“No honey, I didn’t say you looked like a pig, just that you rutted like one.”

You know what, I bet they get married and use that as one of those “How we fell in love” stories at church.

But, no matter what you do, allow me to be the first to tell you that you should never order Hand Shredded Ass Meat. And, yes, this is an issue that may come up in your life.

Overseas tourists often find the menus here befuddling, for good reason.

After all, what Westerner has experience with foods like these? “Cowboy leg,” “Hand-shredded ass meat,” “Red-burned lion head,” “Strange flavor noodles,” “Blow-up flatfish with no result,” or “Tofu made by woman with freckles.”

As proud as the Chinese people are of their thousands of years of gastronomic culture, even a Chinese native can feel disoriented when going to another province, given all the different styles of cooking. Many of the food names, often unique to different provinces, get lost in translation, especially in booming cities starting to embrace overseas tourists.

With few English speakers, restaurants usually translate their menus word by word directly from an English-Chinese dictionary. Or they just Google the Chinese characters. A photo that made the rounds online a few years ago got a chuckle from a lot of people: a restaurant with a large “page not found” sign above its door as its English name.

But the Beijing Municipal government hopes to end such unintended jokes with its new guidebook intended for the public and restaurants alike, “Enjoy Culinary Delights: The English Translation of Chinese Menus.”

The effort began in 2006 with a “Beijing speaks English” campaign. By the 2008 Summer Olympics, officials had created a draft guide with translations for major restaurants to meet the demand for arriving athletes and tourists.

“After 2008, we felt like the book was in a good demand, so we kept working on it and collected more menus. Finally we translated over 2,000 Chinese dish names,” said Xiang Ping, deputy chief of the “Beijing speaks English” committee, in an interview with NBC News.

Some of the dishes kept their original names, which people familiar with Chinese food may understand: jiaozi, baozi, mantou, tofu or wonton.

Some more complicated dishes come with both Chinese pronunciations and explanations: “fotiaoqiang” (steamed abalone with shark’s fin and fish maw in broth); “youtiao” (deep-fried dough sticks); “lvdagunr” (glutinous rice rolls stuffed with red bean paste), and “aiwowo” (steamed rice cakes with sweet stuffing).

Chen Lin, a 90-year-old retired English professor from Beijing Foreign Language University, was the chief consultant for the book.

He told NBC News that about 20 other experts – like English teachers and professors, translators, expats who have lived in China for a long time, culinary experts and people from the media – helped develop the final version.

So next time you’re in Beijing and you are confronted with a menu item like “hand shredded ass meat,” hopefully you can crack open the book to get some guidance. It means “hand shredded donkey meat.”

Oh, it’s donkey meat? Well, that’s okay then.

NOT!!!!!!!!

So, in review, avoid teenagers, revenge porn, Floridians and guns. Oh, and Hand Shredded Ass Meat. Can’t forget that.

And if you’re not sure, go shopping with the Hippoteers.

Aisle 2 from Alejandra Guerrero on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

There are some things that we take for granted. For example, back on November 18, 2010, I wrote that humanity was due to be absorbed by its impending robot overlords. Most people seemed to think that was a pretty good idea. Why? Well, just watch the news and you’ll figure it out. It’s no wonder that scientists have just tossed any thought for the future of mankind into the landfill and, instead, are concentrating on making singing mice. Let’s face it, when you turn on the news and see some middle aged loser, always male (making me sad to possess testosterone), espousing the joys of trans vaginal ultra sounds for fun and profit you have to, at least, consider the idea that just chucking all of civilization into the dumper and letting robots give it a whirl does seem appealing.

But it’s not quite that easy. As reported in Gizmodo, the first robot overlords will have brains like babies. So, we’ll need to wait for them to mature before we turn over the reins.

Scientists are modeling artificial intelligence after baby brains. Why would they want to make computers similar to beings whose favorite pastimes are drooling and pooping? It makes perfect sense when you think about how malleable a baby’s gray matter is.

Artificially intelligent machines have a tough time with nuances and uncertainty. But babies, toddlers and preschoolers are great at interpreting such things. So Alison Gopnik, a developmental psychologist at UC Berkeley and her colleague Tom Griffiths are putting babies to the test to find ways to incorporate their abilities in to computer programming. “Children are the greatest learning machines in the universe,” Gopnik says. “Imagine if computers could learn as much and as quickly as they do.”

They’ve already found that at very young ages, babies can test hypotheses, detect statistical patterns and draw conclusions about important matters such as lollipops and toys—all the while adapting to changes.

As smart as computers are, youngsters can solve problems that machines can’t, including learning languages and interpreting causal relationships. If computers could be more like children, it might lead to digital tutoring programs, phone operators, or even robots that can identify genes associated with disease susceptibilities. The researchers are creating a center at the Berkeley’s Institute of Human Development to meld baby and computer research.

And if an angry machine comes storming out of there one day in a baby robot rage, the good news is all you’ll need to do is find its binky.

Well, maybe not a binky, but I’m betting that a simple dodecahedron with a reverse temporally engineered spacial anomaly will serve the same purpose.

But, while our robot overlords are being trained, what about the rest of us? James Temple reports that we now have National Robotics Week to help mold our kids into malleable cyber-servants.

It’s National Robotics Week, that time of year when we kneel before our digital overlords and appease them with offerings of batteries and memory chips. Organizations around the nation have planned more than 150 propitiation ceremonies in a desperate effort to gain favor with our mechanical masters – or at least avoid their fiery eye-beams.

That, at least, was my assumption about the National Robotics Week events transpiring this week. Organizers themselves insist the events are intended to showcase the modern capabilities of robots and inspire our nation’s young to learn the skills necessary to build the next generation of machines.

In one of the first Bay Area events, design software giant Autodesk on Monday turned over its gallery space at One Market Street in San Francisco to robot builders of assorted ages.

Creative kids

There were spider-looking robots scampering across the floor upon legs made out of kitchen brushes. There was a small, Transformer-looking gizmo performing cartwheels and headstands. And there was a boxy little robot that could pick up racquet balls and lift them 5-feet into the air – surely a warm-up for human body flinging.

That last one was created by a team of junior girls from Terra Nova High School in Pacifica for the First Tech Challenge, a national robotics competition for grades nine through 12.

They designed it using Autodesk’s Inventor application and constructed it out of metal beams reminiscent of an Erector Set. The team has already breezed through two qualifying rounds and is on its way to the St. Louis championships later this month.

Emma Filar, who works on the software, explained why she spends most evenings and weekends during contest season working on the project: “It’s kind off geeky, but it just makes sense to me. The code is just a jumbled mess to look at, but then it works. I really like working with it and seeing the robot do what I made it do.”

Isn’t that positively adorkable?

National Robotics Week was started three years ago by iRobot and other companies and research groups in an effort to inspire U.S. students to focus on the fields critical to the future. There’s also the issue of making up educational ground against the many nations that have sped ahead of us.

Put simply: Robots are the rolling, beeping, problem-solving personification of the potential of math, science and engineering.

“Robots very quickly get kids excited about what they can do with these things and help them see the possibilities ahead,” said Nancy Dussault Smith, vice president of marketing at iRobot, the Massachusetts maker of the Roomba.

Robo events multiply

In 2010, the U.S. House passed a resolution officially designating the second week in April as National Robotics Week. There were just a handful of events that first year, but this week will see 152, including at least one in every state plus Washington, D.C.

Stanford University has participated each year. The law school’s Center for Internet and Society will host a Robot Block Party open to the public, as well as a job fair, starting at 1 p.m. on Wednesday. More than 1,000 people attended last year, about a third of them kids, estimates Ryan Calo, director of robotics at the center.

Local companies including Willow Garage, SRI International and Adept will be on hand to show off their robots.

“The main purpose of National Robotics Week is to raise awareness in the U.S. about the potential of this technology to be transformative,” Calo said. “It will make us more productive, help us keep a manufacturing edge, continue advances in health care and make businesses run more effectively.”

At least, right up until the robots plug our minds into the mainframe.

SRI, the famed Menlo Park research institute, plans to unveil its Taurus robot to the public for the first time. It’s basically a modular, portable update of its surgical robot technology designed to defuse bombs.

They call it a “high fidelity telemanipulation tool,” which is a fancy way of saying it has the dexterity to open irregular objects like paper bags and sever tiny wires.

Better lives for people

Willow Garage will be demonstrating the Pr2, an open source robot that university researchers have adapted to fold laundry, bake cookies, flip pancakes and deliver beer.

The Menlo Park lab is also testing the robots with disabled people, and sees great potential to restore some mobility and independence to those paralyzed or blind.

The block party is an opportunity to talk to children and adults about “what robots are and what robots can be in the future,” said Steve Cousins, chief executive of Willow Garage. “When you hear robot, it’s often followed by overlord, no thanks to Hollywood. So as we think about trying to create an industry where robots become a greater part of life, there needs to be an outreach to let people know, ‘Hey, there’s something exciting here.'”

OK, OK. Helping the disabled, disarming bombs, delivering frosty beverages. Maybe these robots aren’t so bad after all.

But I still hope these kids remember to include kill switches.

And everyone of those skills will supplant a human worker freeing them up to be helpful servants to their new masters.

See? It all’s working out for the best.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Well all know what too much means. You order the cheeseburger and are greeted with a one pound behemoth slathered in stuff with a plate of cheese fries on the side, covered in salsa – naturally, and a soft drink the size of Utah. Or you meet a nice lady in a bar and the two of you hit it off and the next thing you know you’re locked in a motel room with the Poynter triplets and someone’s busting out the body paint. Well, that’s kind of like my morning thus far, minus the saturated fats and nude models. As regular readers know I occasionally poke a gentle stick into the festering corpse that passes for civilization in Florida. Well, today, I had programmed my search engine to find me crimes in Florida over the past week. I added some filters, the usual ones I use, and set it free. It usually comes back with 4 or 5 stories and I work from there. Today there are 16 to choose from. Take, please, the case of Carl I. Little, Jr. Recently released from prison and he decided that this freedom thing is too much for one man to bear so he robbed a bank. While the police haven’t caught him yet they do have a lovely 8X10 that they snagged from the surveillance footage that clearly shows his face and other distinguishing features. Not to be outdone, Gabriel Miller, Gabe to his friends, was arrested to stealing a car on his way home from prison where he had just served a stretch for grand theft auto. He’s really bad at this, don’t you think?

Also “bad at this” is one Marcus Wayne Hunt. I’ll let Sheriff David Gee, from Hillsborough Florida, tell the tale.

On April 14, 2012 at approximately 4:22 p.m., Marcus Wayne Hunt was released from Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office jail after posting bond. Tampa Police Department had arrested Hunt earlier the same day on charges of Fleeing and Attempting to Elude Police and No Valid Driver’s License.

Approximately sixteen minutes after his release from jail, Hunt approached a victim in the area of 78th Street and Gray Moss Lane. Hunt struck the victim in the face and took the victim’s bicycle, valued at $190.00.

Detectives were able to identify and issue a warrant for Hunt in connection with the April 14 incident. He was taken into custody on April 17 at approximately 11:29 a.m. at 8708 Fish Lake Road.

Of course we can’t forget those classy Florida dames like Jennifer Marie Guthrie who robbed two men just after being released from prison for robbery.

I’m starting to see a pattern here.

And let us not forget the lovely and talented Ms. Theresa Jones who got out of jail after serving time for drugs and hooking an met up with a nice man (pen pal) on her way out and then stole his car to go on a beer and crack cocaine run.

I understand the beer part but …..

Anyway, she got arrested again.

Now, folks, if your pen pal is in the slammer the odds are, and I’m just pointing out the painfully obvious, that they may not be the stellar humans you want to introduce to your parent while in church. Also, if your only hope of getting a date involves recently released inmates, just buy an inflatable doll and get yourself neutered.

Of course, even Floridians can be taught proper manners, right? After the bikini riot at Burger King and the man who shot up a Denny’s to get better service (it didn’t work in case you’re thinking about it), those kind of incidents have declined.

Right?

Oh, hell, no.

Jennifer Lynn Betterfly, driving on a suspended license and possessing godawful taste in food, rammed a car at a Taco Bell because she wanted to place her order and the other car was in her way.

Yeah, boys, she’s still single if you can believe it. And you know that for a couple of Gordita’s she’ll think WAY outside the bun.

Also at Taco Bell, Joshua Ryan Fisher, terrorized customers by throwing utensils, his head set and a taco pizza into a customer’s face. Police say he was cold sober at the time and have offered no explanation for his behavior.

How about “he works at Taco Bell”?

And we can’t forget Michael Linn Ogborn, who beat up a manager at Sonic’s for putting tomatoes on his BLT a/k/a bacon – lettuce – tomato sandwich.

You just can’t make stuff like that up.

But there was one item out of Florida that stood head and shoulders above the rest. This is the kind of thing that can, and does, only happen in Florida.

Terrorist squirrels are attacking trailer parks.

And they’re armed with Molotov cocktails or something similar.

Unbelievable but true. Conditions are so dry right now that even squirrels are accidently sparking devastating fires. And the worst part seems to be there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Four brush fires in four days and a Lehigh Acres firefighter says all of them were started by squirrels.

A squirrel was also blamed for the Buckingham fire Tuesday that ultimately destroyed the home of a local pastor.

Clark Ryals with Florida Forest Service says this is a first for him.

“This has happened before but I’ve never heard of it causing fires,” he said.

Scurrying along high voltage lines, the squirrels play a dangerous game when they touch one line while still on another.

“They create a connection between the two which is called arching and the electricity flows through them and can sometimes set them ablaze,” Ryals said.

He says incidents of squirrels getting fried are not as uncommon as people think.

“Usually they are safe if the stay on one wire at a time. But when they try to reach over to the other wire they make that arc,” Ryals said.

But with rain hard to come by throughout many portions of Southwest Florida, we could begin seeing a rise in serious brushfires started by the animals.

“I think you are going to see more and more chances of causing fires in the near future until we start getting steady rainfall,” said Ryals.

But stopping the squirrels from hopping along the wires isn’t something that’s expected to happen anytime soon.

“It’s an inherent risk you have with electricity flowing over the wires that these accidents can possibly happen,” said Ryals.

For residents, keeping a watchful eye out is the best solution.

“If you do have a transformer that blows, call the power company and the fire department as soon as possible. That way tragedies that happened today won’t happen in the future,” Ryals said.

So while there’s not much you can do to stop this from potentially happening to you, officials say you can keep your lawn watered so the grass isn’t as dry as it could be.

“Accidentally?”

I don’t think so. They’re just tired of the words “squirrely” and “nuts” being associated with Floridians. You would be too if you were a squirrel.

Here’s a sexy Floridian named Tori. Well, she’s sexy to other Floridians, which should frighten the hell out of the gene pool.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Yeah, I just used the generated tags to come up with a title today. First off, Big Ups to all my homies in The Ex Senators for the triumphant release of their cooler than hell video, Start a Fight. The fact that I co-produced it only shows that they have good taste as well as talent. The video even got a great review on the U.K.’s hippest e-Zine, Louder than War. That’s not to say everyone in the U.K. is all things wonderful. The people at the Daily Mail called an orphaned parrot the ugliest bird in the world. That’s just tacky. “Hey look, you were abandoned at birth AND you’re butt ugly!” is not a path to good self esteem. On the other hand, since the exact same thing happened to me, I can relate and am sure the little fellow will grow up and become all sorts of wonderful. Just like me.

Earlier this week I took an intellectually driven look at hookers, bacon and robots. It seems that I was having similar thoughts to Serena Dai at Huffington Post who spent the weekend coming up with the line “Bacon Gives Me a Lardon!”

No, I am not making that up.

We did not eat bacon in my house.

I know: It’s dreadful to think about. It wasn’t until the fifth grade at a friend’s sleepover when the magic happened. Her mom fried up turkey bacon, which I liken to a gateway drug of sorts. There was no turning back.

So to say I jumped at the opportunity to go to the third annual Chicago Baconfest would be a huge understatement. (Leapt? Cried for? Gave up my first-born?) My foodie partner-in-crime Ben and I hauled a camera, a notebook, and empty stomachs to UIC forum on Saturday evening. From candied bacon and bacon vodka to t-shirts with funny sayings like “Bacon Gives Me a Lardon,” Baconfest 2012 did not disappoint Chicago pork lovers.

If you click on her name it will take you to a bacon themed slide show that will keep you entertained for hours.

Now, normally, this next sentence would cause people to get very worried; “After healthy helpings of bacon and porn many people are opting for crabs as well.”

But, as it turns out, we are talking about the many fun things you can get in vending machines these days.

The National University of Singapore is home to one of the world’s most inviting Coke machines. The words “Hug Me,” written in signature Coca-Cola script, grace the giant red box, and when curious students wrap their arms around the cumbersome machine, it dispenses a free Coke — all in the name of making people smile.

They, too, have a fun slide show. The machine that vends live crabs even comes with a 3-1 replacement guarantee if you ever get a dead one.

That seems pretty sporting of them.

Also a sporting type is Melissa Borrett. The 26 year old former waitress decided to blend in nicely with her all hard core right wing neighbors by opening an all nude maid service. Business has been booming.

Police in this staunchly conservative West Texas city are keeping close tabs on a young entrepreneur’s recently opened cleaning service that offers nude maids.

Lubbock police Sgt. Jonathan Stewart said the owner of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock doesn’t have a permit to operate a sexually oriented business and officers are watching for any violation, which would bring a $2,000 fine.

But owner Melissa Borrett insists she’s not operating such a business. Customers pay $100 an hour for one maid or $150 an hour for two maids, and no touching is allowed, she said.

“I run a maid service,” the 26-year-old entrepreneur said. “We really just clean houses. These girls are not performers. They’re maids.”

The West Texas native and mother said she started the business about a month ago because she was struggling as a waitress to make ends meet. She had even been living at the Occupy Lubbock encampment near Texas Tech University’s campus in Lubbock.

“I just decided to go a little bigger, work a little smarter,” she said.

Her business model isn’t unique, but the city’s ordinance requires all sexually oriented businesses to apply for a permit, which costs $650 a year, and to post a $5,000 surety bond or letter of credit.

Such businesses are defined as any commercial venture whose operations include “providing, featuring or offering of employees or entertainment personnel who appear in a state of nudity, seminude or simulated nudity and provide live performances or entertainment” intended to sexually stimulate or gratify customers “and which is offered as a feature of a primary business activity of the venture.”

Stewart wouldn’t say how police planned to keep tabs on the maid service, and Borrett said she would hire an attorney to fight any attempt by the city to shut her down.

So far, Borrett said, business has been good and she is now busy interviewing to hire more maids. She currently has three on staff. She offers a regular discount to government employees and law enforcement, and an ad posted Friday on the online bartering site Craigslist offered 20 percent discounts for Easter weekend.

If requested, the maids would clean fully clothed, but the cost is the same.

“It is kind of pricey, but we’re fantasy maids,” Borrett said.

Texas is also the state with a “pole tax” on strippers which they use to provide medical assistance to women, as long as none of that assistance is related to procreation.

Texas is weird.

Anyway, I don’t want our female readers to think I’ve forgotten them. Since we’ve got them all lubed up with bacon and thinking about porn, what better subject to bring up, as it were, than a great vacation spot for the ladies; the Antique Vibrator Museum.

On assignment for COED, this week I took a historical romp into the wild and wonderful world of vibrators. Good Vibrations in San Francisco kicked open its doors on Thursday for the grand opening of the Antique Vibrator Museum. The exhibit covers the “weird and wonderful” world of vibrators from the 1800s to modern-day. Very informative indeed: the electric vibrator had its inception in 1869 with the invention of a steam-powered massager patented by an American doctor. The invention preceded the electric vacuum, iron and frying pan by nearly a decade. (Not to mention preceding the home alarm system by a century.)

Far from sexy, vibrators pretty much resembled power tools when they were first introduced. Doesn’t this device look like it could strip the paint off a car?

Hysterical: With a nod-and-a-wink, vibrators were originally marketed as “health and beauty” devices or “head massagers.” Those in-the-know interpreted their true purpose. At the 1900 Paris Expo, a dozen vibrators were first on display as sexual devices. Oh, those crazy French!

The nice ladies at COED have over 100 images of early vibrators for you to peruse.

It makes me wonder who needs a man any more?

Maybe these two young ladies. Well, they may be too young (except in Arkansas) to need a man, but clearly something is missing from their lives. Since we started this blog with one of the best videos out right now, it seems only fitting that we end it with one of the worst.

Seriously, these two talentless hacks would get booed in a porno, even one featuring bacon, if they were old enough to star in one.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

A buddy of mine is going to die. To be blunt, by the time you read this he may already be dead. Anyway, I went to go see him yesterday. Before I got there I asked if there was anything he wanted and there was. So I stopped on the way and got a six pack of beer, a pizza (supreme, extra crispy) and some ice. They have plenty of buckets in the hospital. A nurse saw me and started to say something until I mentioned who I was visiting. She knew as well as any of us that this stuff stood no chance of doing my buddy any harm. And it might do him some psychological good. She shrugged and found us some plates. The three of us sat watching the Sox game for a bit and then she had work to do. He and I talked between innings, etiquette before eternity, and had some good laughs. We joked about how I’d once lost control of a motorcycle I was having sex on and ended up in a laundromat. That required both bail and stitches. We laughed about the time he entered a talent contest and got booed by the MC.

We missed talking about how his wife left him, and took the kids, when he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer. We also forgot to mention how his mother blames him for getting sick in the first place and hasn’t talked to him in over a year. It’s funny how some things can skip your mind when you’re watching baseball. Neither he nor I blame his family for their reactions. There is no “how to” book for times like this. At least not one that isn’t full of treacle. He doesn’t need poems or cuddly kitties, he just needs a friend. And while my skill set may not be wide, I can handle this.

He fell asleep in the fifth inning, after his second beer, and so was spared the Sox melting down in the 6th. The nurse helped me wrap the remaining pizza and put it in a mini-fridge along side the two beers. I sat with him a while more making sure he was just sleeping and then headed off into the night.

Aside from the reaction of his family my buddy has been treated extremely well by the hospital staff. Above and beyond the physical care they make sure to talk to him every day. Even if it’s only for a minute or two it helps him feel like a human being.

I contrasted that with a time, about 25 years ago when another buddy of mine was dying. He had AIDS. His family shunned him, his lover abandoned him and the doctors avoided him except to provide the mandatory, minimum, care. This was years before the Magic Johnson “HIV Positive = buy a baseball team” therapy was introduced. That friend too wanted pizza and beer but there was no way I could get that into the hospital. Hell, I was lucky they let me see him at all.

But, with the clever use of a lab coat and some rubber gloves, we were able to sneak him out to a prearranged bar. There was pizza and beer waiting for us in the back corner. This was out of respect for him, he was covered in last stage lesions, and out of respect for the customers. I believe I mentioned that he was covered in last stage lesions. We laughed, we joked, we played the jukebox. And then we took him back to the hospital. He died about an hour later.

Smiling.

I was there holding his hand.

After that his mother decided his death was all my fault. Because, after all, the one straight friend he had was the obvious choice.

But I was there when he died and she wasn’t. That was by choice for both of us.

Nevertheless, death is an odd subject. Everyone of us will face it. There is absolutely no way around it. And, yet, people do everything in their power to avoid dealing with it. I don’t get that mentality. I’d rather admit the obvious and then enjoy the time I have with those I love. You’d be surprised how funny the terminally ill can be if you give them a chance.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.