Archives for April 2012

If you’re like me – and there are 3 states where that is illegal and 11 more that require a permit (so check with a lawyer first) – then you know there’s no better way to start your day then with a committed threesome and a slathering of grease. Put down the phone, there’s nothing your congressperson can do about my past. And, yes, the powers that be knew all about me when they handed me a contract. Of course, this time they were very careful to make sure I had easy access to coffee first. Of course, I was hired for a specific purpose. Any idiot can cover Pippa Middleton and her toy gun. No, I was hired to find and report on stuff that real adults care about. The Mormon Underwear Protests of September 2011, are a good example. So is the Gay Pseudo-Porn Meets Beloved Comic Book Icon article that inspired half the staff to completely reconsider their thoughts on Wonder Woman. The other half went quietly to the bathroom to reconsider their own feelings on gender bias.

And each and every one of them wants to know more about the joys of bacon lube, the mutli-orifice enhancer.

Get your spandex and handcuffs out — it’s about to get real slippery in here.

There’s been plenty of coverage about the morning-sex-inducing, bacon-flavored lube. But what about all the other greasy love products out there?

Today, a major rival will have its say in what could be the sexiest debate since Lincoln vs. Douglas in 1858. We’re talking, of course, about Baconlube vs. Honey Lube.

Yes, the founders of each sexual condiment has decided to lube up and smack down to convince you, the reader, to take their product into the bedroom.

In one corner, there’s Baconlube by J & D’s Foods — the result of an April Fool’s joke gone viral. Co-founder Dave Lefkow said his product smells as wonderful as the morning waft of sizzling pork in the bedroom.

In the other, there’s Honey Lube — a sexy side project of Honey Care Products — the brainchild of 20-year-old Maxx Appelman. It’s got all the nutrients of honey, and all the fruit produced by the birds and the bees.

I strongly encourage all our Hippoteers to try each product several times before making up their minds. And, you have to admit, this may be the only place in the universe where you could read the phrase “sexual condiment” and think it’s the most the most normal part of the blog.

But what if your personal love puppet won’t let you lube that special place with bacon? Not a problem. The Geminoid Singing Fembot is here to serve.

Look, robots are going to take over the world anyway so we may as well get a little freak on with them before we’re eliminated.

The video: Renowned Japanese roboticist Hiroshi Ishiguro wants to make androids that are so realistic they fool humans. And his most advanced effort, Geminoid F — the “F” is for female — is in the midst of her coming-out party at a Hong Kong mall, showing off for, and even singing to, passing shoppers and robot enthusiasts gathered for an international Robots in Motion exhibition. (See Geminoid sing below.) The fem-bot can smile, frown, pout, and make about 60 other facial expressions, powered by 12 mechanical actuators situated under her rubber skin. Most of Ishiguro’s androids sell for around $1.2 million, but Geminoid F will be more accessible at $110,000.

The reaction: “Girls, beware,” says the Daily Bhaskar. This “gorgeous female-looking robot” is so freakishly realistic, you may soon have some stiff competition. Yes, Geminoid F “can talk and sing like a human,” says John Walsh in Britain’s The Independent. But it’s not her “passive-aggressive sulk” or “blinking eyes and shy smile,” that I found creepy at a recent press conference — it was her minder, the twentysomething Japanese woman after whom Geminoid F is modeled. Stroking her android doppelganger’s cheek and hair with an indulgent smile, it looked like the minder wasn’t sure which one of them was the robot. See how real, or robotic, Geminoid F looks singing the Japanese pop song True True:

Of course, Sexbots have been around for a while. The basic concept hasn’t been that hard to bring to the fore. Mostly they’re just animated sex dolls with some cute features, like a willingness to say yes to whatever you want.

And it is in that spirit that a group is trying to save humanity by teaching perfectly boring young women how to be hookers. And, in fact, encourage them to compete in the International Miss Hooker Contest in Hollywood, California.

The “oldest living profession” was the backdrop for the oddest existing beauty pageant.

Nine gals were vying for the nation’s most coveted award: Miss Hooker 2012. The competition was held at the Dragonfly Bar in Hollywood, California. Questions darted through my head. Where was the tenth shady lady listed on the event flyer? Was she strolling down the runway at the county jail? Was Donald Trump her “one phone call?” Was this a battle of beauty, brains and bedroom skills; or something altogether different? And if turning tricks was a pageant prerequisite, what about an arrest record? Would this mean bonus points or disqualification? Might someone win Miss Congeniality; or were all gals deemed “congenial” by thriving in this “people person” profession in the first place?

After arriving at the contest, I learned my preconceived notions were premature: none of the girls were hookers. In fact, during backstage interviews with several contestants, I learned they had never even met a call girl.

“Frankly, I’m more qualified to be Miss Hooker than you,” I told Miss Anthropy, a tall brunette immersed in silver sequins. “At least, I’ve known prostitutes.”

Another competitor told me she had a serious crush on Johnny Depp, thus if given the opportunity, would charge him zero for her services. I informed her she clearly lacked the business acumen to work in this specialized field.

The talent competition was another area of consternation. One girl ate a hot dog. Another read a book on stage and still another twirled the hula hoop — clearly not the skills I expected from Heidi Fleiss wannabes.

Yet, when contestant Miss Kitty Cadillac worked the stripper pole and set her breasts on fire, the show climaxed. The crowd roared and the judges were mesmerized. Then Kitty purred through her interview question with a raunchiness that made her the ideal candidate for the crown. She was asked at what point a girl becomes a woman, and replied that it required mastering a particular sexual position (details which I cannot disclose without alarming the moral majority). Kitty’s erotic answer sealed the deal. She had come from humble beginnings in her lifelong quest (or rather her two-month quest) to be Miss Hooker 2012; and she had prevailed.

However, the competition was more than frivolity, gigolo jokes and roasted mammary glands. It was an opportunity to explore the deeper questions of life, such as, “Where the heck is contestant number ten and can she meet bail?” I was told she had never shown for rehearsals, thus proving two things: she had not taken prostitution training seriously, and she’d opted not to “show up” in life.

“Showing up” is a field of study unto itself. I’ve been informally examining it for the past eight years, since being elected into local political office and working as a Los Angeles city commissioner. Although women comprise 51 percent of the population, they are glaringly absent from political, legal and community events. Women fought tirelessly for the vote during the 19th and early 20th century, and they yearn for equality; but today they earn 77 cents on the male dollar. They claim to want leadership roles in society; but comprise only 16.4 percent of U.S. Congress and only 22.1 percent of executive positions — a number that has decreased in the past decade, according to the Center for American Women and Politics at Rutgers University.

Politics is where the power is, so if women desire that power, why does testosterone consume the room when it is time to affect change? Why are political events crammed with dudes? Do most ladies lack interest in these matters? Are they secretly content with letting men lead? Or are they are intimidated by a society-wide “males only” mentality?

Miss Demeanor, who had hula-hooped her way to a loss in the Hooker pageant, told me that women don’t “show up” because the world is a boys’ club. Women are quietly edged out of the arena. “My mom said I could be whatever I wanted, but not every girl gets this sort of encouragement.”

Regardless of whether Miss Demeanor is right, the first step towards true equality is realizing where the power is and “showing up” to grab it. Females must burst into the public sphere, frequenting political meetings, community events and legal forums. They must run for political office, and elect each other. They must assert their opinions, rather than let males dominate the conversation. They must stop muffling their voice.

I was glad I “showed up” to meet the beautiful and empowered women who participated in this admittedly bizarre pageant; they were independent, stylish and strong. I congratulated the winner, Miss Kitty Cadillac, who flaunted her leg tattoo, leopard print leotard and rhinestone wand from the edge of the stage. She gave me reassurance that she was the right gal for the job, confiding that she had once met a call girl and had no interest in Johnny Depp.

“Good for you,” I smiled. “You’re as qualified as I am to wear that crown.”

**sniff**

Doesn’t that just make you proud to be a human?

While some of the “woman’s empowerment” campaigns baffle me, and most right thinking humans, combining fun, intellect and sexuality isn’t one of the confusing ones. It is this kind of stuff that, while superficially odd, is exactly what we humans need.

No robot overlord, no matter how well programmed, will ever replace a woman greased with bacon hanging off a stripper pole.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Once upon a time there were these cute little things called Dinosaurs. They didn’t call themselves that, of course, Latin hadn’t been invented yet. They tended to call themselves Grrnnk and other colorful phrases. That quibble aside there have been some interesting works of fiction which deal with intelligent dinos. From children’s books such as Dinotopia by James Gurney to adult fiction such as The Homecoming by Barry B. Longyear, which would do very bad things to real estate values if it came true, many authors have looked at what intelligent dinos might mean to you. But we all know that dinos were tiny brained things. Even the terrifying velociraptors in Jurassic Park don’t seem all that threatening when you realize that we have really big guns and stuff like that.

But what if they had big guns too? And space ships and …. well, bad things would happen. Right? Maybe, maybe not. They might be gloriously peaceful and intergalactic vegetarians.

Dr. Robert Breslow, an internationally renowned chemist, issued a press release about ancient amino acids that had a blockbuster finish.

An 
implication 
from
 this 
work 
is 
that 
elsewhere 
in 
the 
universe 
there 
could 
be 
life 
forms 
based
 on 
D 
amino 
acids 
and 
L 
sugars, 
depending 
on 
the 
chirality 
of 
circular 
polarized
 light 
in
 that 
sector 
of 
the universe or 
whatever 
other 
process 
operated 
to 
favor 
the 
L
α‐methyl 
amino acids 
in 
the 
meteorites 
that 
have landed
 on Earth. 

Such 
life 
forms 
could 
well 
be 
advanced 
versions 
of 
dinosaurs, 
if 
mammals 
did 
not 
have the good
 fortune 
to 
have 
the 
dinosaurs 
wiped 
out 
by 
an 
asteroidal 
collision,
 as 
on 
Earth. 

We 
would 
be 
better 
off not 
meeting 
them.

Our old pal Ian O’Neill takes a look at the ramifications.

It sounds like the ultimate science fiction storyline: what if the dinosaurs weren’t wiped-out by an asteroid impact 65 million years ago? Perhaps they’d still be alive today, in an advanced evolutionary state, developing their space program and their own asteroid impact mitigation strategies. Sadly for us, this would have probably meant that mammals wouldn’t have gotten a foothold and the fledgling human race would have become glorified dino-chum.

In new research published in the Journal of the American Chemical Society, the rather outlandish prospect of alien — not terrestrial — dinosaur life is explored by Ronald Breslow. And these dino-aliens (“Dinolians”?) didn’t have the misfortune of being smacked by an asteroid and/or get snuffed out by a volcanic eruption.

But before we get too carried away with thoughts of pirate Velociraptors flying space shuttles, attacking interplanetary supply ships (too late!), there is actually some scientific reasoning behind this work — even though the “alien dinosaur” conclusion is a bit “iffy.”

All sugars, amino acids, DNA and RNA exist in one of two possible orientations, left-handed or right-handed. This handedness is known as “chirality.” The theory is that for life to be possible, proteins must contain only one chiral form of amino acids, left or right, for example. Apart from a few bacteria, the chirality of amino acids of all life on Earth is left-handed.

One theory of how life was spawned on Earth is through a mechanism known as “panspermia” — basically, life has the ability to “hop” from one planet to the next encased in the protective shell of meteoroids. If life on Earth was indeed started via a cosmic “seed,” then perhaps life evolved elsewhere in a similar manner as it did on our planet. Perhaps life even evolved with a different chirality than Earth.

“Such life forms could well be advanced versions of dinosaurs, if mammals did not have the good fortune to have the dinosaurs wiped out by an asteroidal collision, as on Earth,” Breslow speculates. “We would be better off not meeting them.”

But this conjecture makes Dinosaur Tracking’s Brian Switek’s “brain ache” — why Breslow is speculating about advanced alien dinosaurs doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

“Our planet’s fossil record has intricately detailed the fact that evolution is not a linear march of progress from one predestined waypoint to another,” says Switek. “Dinosaurs were never destined to be. The history of life on earth has been greatly influenced by chance and contingency, and dinosaurs are a perfect example of this fact.”

In other words, there’s no reason to think dinosaurs are an inevitable consequence of the evolution of life. It just so happened that life on Earth produced dinosaurs, but they aren’t the only examples of life and life doesn’t have to go through a “dinosaur phase” before it can move onto the next evolutionary step.

So, although there may well be alien equivalents of T. rex’s elsewhere in the galaxy struggling to steer spaceships with their tiny arms (an evolutionary attribute that may have snuffed-out that particular dinosaur species anyway), this is just as fanciful as any other science fiction alien.

Most xeno-evolutionists (cool folks who use really hard science to speculate about possible evolutionary paths) tend to agree that successful creatures would have some similar traits. They would need the ability to grasp and reach. They would need to have the ability to be mobile. The obvious stuff about intelligence is a given. But those requirements would allow a lot of diversity.

In other words, we can all laugh at Dr. Breslow’s whimsy, we’ll also pause every time we see one of those walking lizards.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

We start our article today with the humble, and respectful, beginnings of a family. According to Rick Santorum and his ilk, this is exactly the kind of thing we should encourage. “Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m – 28 (Aragon Ballroom) : Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots. You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings. I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got f***ed up. You had a nice c**k and I was wasted so I let [you] raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise. Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.”

While I admit that, on the one hand, it’s good to see that this young woman feels confident enough to raise a child today, on the other hand I’m thinking she should be the poster child for birth control.

I’m sure that, piercings, questionable morals and tats aside, she’ll be one of those cool moms who does stuff for her kids like build an entire room dedicated to Narnia so that her child can live in fear of the evil Calormenes coming through the closet while she/he sleeps. Or, maybe, she’ll be that fun parent who builds a functioning Hobbit Hole in the backyard. Or maybe she’ll be the whimsical mommy who builds a World of Warcraft bathroom complete with sword.

One things for sure though, if she follows the current trend in mommying, that kid will never be allowed to actually touch or play with any of that stuff.

Given the lengths so-called helicopter parents will go to protect their children, one would think an actual helicopter blade were hurtling toward their sheltered offspring. I suspect the stress caused by parents’ fears might harm kids more than the occasional stitch-worthy gash, or bump on the head.

Case in point: crawling helmets.

Seems some parents are so concerned about the rate at which their babies are ambling about the living room that they are purchasing crawling helmets for their high velocity tots. (No, these aren’t helmets for head-shaping or other medical needs; they’re just to protect babies from hitting their heads while doing normal baby activities.) If your baby can’t face the rigors of crawling, how will your toddler learn to walk? Will your Kindergartener ever ride a bike? I guess you can forget about contact sports, driving, and frat parties.

The sales pitch for the crawling helmet includes mention of hardwood and tile floors, implying that responsible parents protect defenseless children from these horrors. I am not one of those responsible parents. I left my newborn daughter alone on the sofa cushion with her 2-year-old brother standing guard. Neither wore helmets. Twenty seconds later I’m watching my toddler son pull his baby sister by the feet onto the wood floor, where her little head took quite a blow.

That’s it, I thought, I’ve killed my baby.

And yet, she was okay. No blood, no broken anything, no brain damage. This kind of incident might prompt some parents to buy a crawler helmet. To me it just proves they aren’t necessary. Seriously, twelve years later, my daughter scores well on standardized tests. We’re fine.

Fear breeds fear, so let’s all take a deep breath, shall we?

Some other things we can probably stop worrying about:

BPA: Plastic probably isn’t going to kill your kid. Not today, anyway. And if you’re so worried about packaging poisons, why are you feeding your child the kind of crap that comes in plastic containers?

Lascivious lyrics: Those rap dudes are only saying out loud what every other boy is thinking, or um… visualizing. Teach kids to respect one another, and let them think they’re getting away with something by listening to the dirty songs.

Salmonella: Oh, wait, that one’s real.

Blenders: Who is afraid of blenders? Apparently Alicia Silverstone is terrified of hers. Why else would she chew her son’s food for him? Granted, my Oster frightens the dog, but it’s great pureeing soups and veggies for babies. No spit required.

Okay, in a moment of journalistic transparency, I have to admit that the young lady at the beginning of this article pretty much described my sex life in the 80’s, complete with Motorhead.

But sans the portable mutant human.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

If you happen to be a prestidigitating paraskevidekatriaphobic then today is wrought with horrible magic for you. For the rest of us it’s another day that’s just as good or bad as any other. Today, if you watch the news, you will be assaulted with lists of all the horrible things that have happened on Friday the 13th through the years. The first will be the fall of the Knights Templar at the duplicitous hands of King Philip IV of France and Pope Clement V on Friday the 13th in October of 1307. That one’s a juicy one since it features the only publically recorded curse attributed to God. Jacques de Molay, as he was about to be burned at the stake, claimed that God would strike both Philip and Clement dead for their deeds and, indeed, both men were dead within less than two months.

You will also hear from many noodle headed experts who will claim this is an ancient tradition, some will say dating back to the bible. These people are, using the technical term, deluded morons. Fridays have been bad news for a while, even Chaucer wrote disparagingly about them in his Canterbury Tales back in the 1,400’s. And the number 13 has, for reasons lost in the mists of time, been one to avoid since Babylon reigned supreme in the Middle East. It is even highly likely that Jesus knew about the superstition and selected the number of His apostles to prove the belief baseless. That would fit well with many of His reality based teachings.

But for any reference specific to Friday the 13th you need to be far more modern.

In 1907 an author named Thomas Lawson released a novel called “Friday the 13th.” In it a man uses superstition and greed to con a bunch of people and manipulate the stock market and cause it to crash. It was a popular book at the time and is also the first recorded use of Friday the 13th. So much for ancient and mystical. If you’re over 50, your grandparents could have had a slightly used copy of this book.

They may have even noted the eerie similarities in his book to the real stock market crash of 1929.

Still other featherheads will point to the 1993 study published in the British Medical Journal which compared the number of auto accidents on any given Friday the 6th versus Friday the 13thand said “Friday the 13th is unlucky for some. The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 percent. Staying home is recommended.”

Smart people just went “Hey, wait a minute, that research is horribly flawed.” And they are 100% right. When you compare Friday the 13th with other stressful days such as tax day, major holidays and so on, the accident rate falls right into the norm. In other words, events that cause people to stress out also cause them to become distracted and those distractions lead to accidents.

You know that phrase “It’s all in your head?” Well, in this case it’s true.

Just FYI, the word paraskevidekatriaphobic comes from the Greek; Paraskevi means Friday and dekatreis means 13. You can also call the fear of Friday the 13th Friggatriskaidekaphobia in honor of the Norse God Frigga whose name is where the word Friday comes from.

Yeah, a little etymology to brighten your day.

Okay, now for some meaningless fun.

In Spanish speaking countries, people fear Tuesday the Thirteenth or Martes Trece as it is called. The reason is that that was the day that Constantinople fell to the Ottoman Empire. That tradition does date back hundreds of years and is well documented.

In Italy, home of the Catholic Church and what many believe to be the root of the superstition, the number 13 is considered lucky and the day they avoid is Friday the 17th. So, go figure.

Some folks can’t resist tweaking their noses at superstitions. Black Sabbath released their debut album on Friday the 13th in February of 1970 and they did okay. The 13th book of A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (a/k/a Daniel Handler) was released on Friday, October 13th, 2006 and he’s made goo-gobs (that’s a financial term) of money. And Adventure/Quest World, an online video game featuring the music of one of my faves, Voltaire, features famous guests every Friday the 13th.

This year there will be three Friday the 13ths and they are spaced 13 weeks apart.

Heh.

But, far be it for me to deny you something legitimate to worry about. On April 13, 2029 (a Friday), the asteroid 99942 Apophis (named after an angry Egyptian god) will come so close to the earth that it will be closer to our atmosphere than our man made satellites. If it gets caught in our gravity well it could do damage of apocalyptic proportions.

Or it could just ricochet harmlessly off into space.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I know, I know, you’re busting out the Kleenex in anticipation and, don’t worry, we’ll get to the porn stuff. But many readers want to know the proper way to celebrate Easter since they are unclear on it’s pagan roots. Allow me to help.

Czech Republic and Slovakia: In both the countries, women can expect to get (a) whipping. As a part of the Easter tradition, men beat girls and women with decorated handmade whips. However, the whipping is not intended to be painful. It is believed that whipping on the Easter day makes women more healthy and beautiful.

Finland: In Finland, the Easter celebrations have a Halloween look as the children dress up as witches with broomsticks hanged around their necks. They wander in the streets in search of treats. It is believed that during the festival, witches become more powerful and bonfires are made to scare them off.

Australia: Usually, all over the world it is the Easter Bunny that brings in the chocolates and hides the eggs, but in Australia it is an Easter Bilby that brings the eggs. One reason behind this interesting change is to create awareness on bilby which is an endangered species in Australia and another reason is a dislike towards the bunnies which destroy the crops. On Easter, chocolate bilbies will be made.

Colombia: Colombians have strange dinner menu for the Easter day. Instead of chocolates and eggs, they dine on iguana, turtles and big rodents for the feast.

Germany: In other countries Easter eggs are hidden and children go for egg hunting but in Germany Easter eggs instead are displayed on trees and prominently in streets. Some of the trees will have thousands of multi color eggs hanged on them.

Greece: Easter is known for multicolor-decorated eggs, but in Greece you will find only red color eggs. Greeks paint all their eggs only red and use these for making the Easter bread.

Hungary: Hungarian women get a water splash on Easter day, as per the tradition. The men pour water on traditionally dressed women on the Easter day.

Polish Traditions: The master of the house is not permitted to take part in the Easter bread preparation, because it is believed that dough will fall on his moustache making it go grey and the dough will fail. They also believe that swallowing a willow catkin from a branch consecrated by a priest would bring health.

In other words, dress your kids like they’re going to a Harry Potter film fest, find some women and get them very wet and then whip them while all the men stay out of the kitchen and avoid getting dough on their mustaches. Because nothing says “Resurrection of our Lord and Savior” like a bunch of kids dressed for Satanic rituals while the adults get involved in some playful S&M.

That’s what Jesus would do.

Or not. Who the hell knows any more?

Anyway, in keeping with that train of thought, let’s go now to the nice church where they showed gay porn for some kids’ Communion.

Holy oops!

The Catholic Church launched an investigation after an Irish priest inadvertently played a slide show of gay porn to a group of parents who had come for a meeting about their children’s First Communion.

Father Martin McVeigh was setting up a PowerPoint presentation last week when the sexual images popped up on the computer, The Ulster Herald reported.

“There were plenty of shocked faces,” one person at the meeting told the newspaper. “There’s a lot of parents very angry about it.”

Parents said in a statement that McVeigh quickly removed the offending memory card from the computer and bolted from the room.

“He was visibly shaken and flustered,” the statement said, according to The Associated Press. “He gave no explanation or apology to the group and bolted out of the room. The coordinator and the teachers then continued with the presentation.”

McVeigh returned to the meeting 20 minutes later and told parents that children get lots of money for their Holy Communion and should consider giving some of it to the church.

Parents present at the meeting were understandably furious and many of them pulled their children from the First Communion program, The AP reported.

On Monday, the head of the Catholic Church in Ireland, Cardinal Sean Brady, said McVeigh had no idea how the images got on the memory stick and was assisting with the investigation.

“The priest has stated that he had no knowledge of the offending imagery,” Brady said in a statement. “The archdiocese immediately sought the advice of the [Police Service of Northern Ireland\], who indicated that, on the basis of the evidence available, no crime had been committed.”

McVeigh reportedly said other church officials had access to the memory stick as well.

“I don’t know how it happened but I know what happened,” he said.

Yeah, the magic gay porn fairy put it there. Happens all the time. You know where else the magic gay porn fairy likes to hide stuff? Brand new cell phones.

Gina Lala’s new phone from a Verizon store in Skokie, Ill. came with a few features she wanted, and at least one she didn’t: graphic pictures of naked men, lots of them.

“I go to the photo gallery and there are pictures of people I don’t know, that have obviously been on the phone, very disturbing pictures, very offensive,” Gina told Chicago’s NBC5. “I got very upset. I have young kids and they go through my phone. They play with my phone!”

The manager of the independently-owned store in Skokie took care of her situation, she says, and made her a promise: “Assured me this was a mistake and it would never happen again. And sure enough, it happened again — with my mom.”

One year later, same store — it happened again. This time it did not have the pornography. The “new” phone was purchased by Lala’s mom, Nancy, an iPhone she says she was excited to bring home.

“And I looked at the box, and on the back of the box there was a little sticky note that said this phone had been slammed on a desk and there’s a nick on the back of it,” Nancy said. She showed NBC5 the yellow sticky-note from the box, as you can see in the video here on NBC Chicago.

While most of the phones sold as new are, indeed, new gadgets, Target 5 found this is a problem that continues to plague consumers around the world. Customers sound off about the practice online; in China, a lawsuit was filed by angry iPhone users who allege they were sold refurbished phones with dwindling warranties.

The manager of the store in Skokie told Target 5 he remembers the Lala’s two incidents, and admits mistakes happen. Verizon Corporate issued this statement in response to NBC5’s inquiry:

We require full disclosure that a device has been previously used. Equipment sales are the agent’s independent business, however. To the extent full disclosure was not provided, we would certainly take corrective action. We appreciate the issue being brought to our attention and we are committed to ensuring adherence with our policies. We will address any customer concerns directly. It is our goal to ensure customer satisfaction.

After their experience, the Lalas question if this is a problem experienced more at independently owned stores, versus corporate branches. The CTIA, a group that represents the wireless industry, did not respond to our repeated calls for comment on the questions surrounding this issue. But the following wireless companies did respond to consumer complaints about sales of refurbished phones represented as new.

Here’s what a few other providers said about their policies.

Cricket Wireless
• It is Cricket’s policy not to sell refurbished phones as new to customers.

The company says it takes this policy seriously, and in recent months revoked the sales privileges of six stores that were selling refurbished phones as new.

AT&T
• With one of the broadest portfolios of Smartphones in the industry, AT&T is proud to offer great devices at a variety of price points. One way we do this is by offering customers the opportunity to purchase refurbished phones at lower costs than new ones. Our refurbished phones are clearly marked as such at point of sale. They are phones that have been returned to the store within 30 days of purchase. The software on all refurbished phones has updated and reset so as to remove any information about the previous owner.

Tiger Direct
• In today’s marketplace, cellphones are available from a variety of channels. Online, small phone stores, and even at gas stations. Refurbished (sometimes called recertified or “previously owned”) phones serve as replacements for the majority of phone carriers when your phone is damaged. They are also a good value for people buying phones without contracts or even for use with prepaid services.
• TigerDirect sells new, as well as refurbished phones – including those with and without service. All products on our website and in our retail stores clearly show the product condition to ensure customers are clear on what they are purchasing.

Refurbished phones are always marked as such – and generic packaging (plain white or brown box) is a great indicator. (New phones tend to come in branded packaging.) At smaller retailers and gas stations, many of the inexpensive phones available are refurbished as well – even though they may be in a very attractive sealed plastic package. “

“Realizing that I paid for a new phone and did not get a new phone, that it was like you were selling me a used product and it was expensive!” said Nancy.

Like mother, like daughter, Lala echoed the sentiments.

“I’m paying full price for a brand new phone and I get a refurbished phone — it’s kinda like I was scammed!”

No, it was EXACTLY like you were getting scammed.

Speaking of scams, you have to give this next guy credit. He sued, and briefly won, a £750 million lawsuit demanding to be allowed to have sex in prison.

Rayden Simon Kullem, who is from Zimbabwe, claimed his human rights were being breached by the ban.

And due to an administration blunder he temporarily won his case by default – after Government solicitors failed to oppose his case.

This led to an urgent court hearing being held, in which a top judge dismissed the “preposterous” claim.

Kullem is in Hull Prison awaiting deportation to Zimbabwe following the end of his prison sentence. He has twice failed in his bid to become a UK citizen.

Kullem launched a civil claim against the Government last September on the grounds it was a breach of his human rights not to be allowed to have sex in prison.

It’s a really long story but it all comes down to this. He has to get his sexy on in the shower just like the other inmates.

And, no, he doesn’t get the money.

By the way, assuming I got all the rules right, this is the perfect Easter video.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Last week we took a look at the bizarre history of modern Easter celebrations. Today we’re going to focus on those cute little eggs you hand out to kids. And the occasional sugar crazed adult. Today you’ll find out how hiding Easter eggs is a great way to avoid zealous monks and how the whole egg thing gradually replaced human sacrifice as a way to say “YO GOD! THANKS!” Although not nearly as quickly as many might have hoped. Especially those who happened to be viewing their final sunny day while laying on an alter. It really doesn’t matter if the alter was comfy or not at that point. Hundreds of early religions, including Judaism and some Christian sects, viewed human sacrifice as a necessary accoutrement to prayer. The nice people at Death Reference have some interesting facts for you to consider. I’ll tie them into Easter in a moment but, for now, just enjoy them.

How many people were sacrificed by the Incas and Aztecs? This question can now be answered with confidence. Yes, the Incas of Peru and the Aztec of Mexico put a great many people to ritualistic death. This proposition was doubted for some years, in part because this kind of mass slaughter was difficult to imagine. Evidence has become increasingly clear, however, that human sacrifice was a core feature of the Inca and Aztec cultures.

Remains of Inca sacrifices have been dated from as long ago as 5000 B.C.E., sometimes on the towering peaks of the Andes, sometimes in the coastal desert. Archaeological investigations have found evidence of human sacrifice into the sixteenth century, and this practice is thought to have continued for some time afterward. Tenochtitlan (predecessor to Mexico City) is known to have been the active site of human sacrifices long before Spanish forces arrived to witness these events firsthand: There were already huge collections of skulls on display.

Twenty-first-century historians tend to agree that human sacrifice was both a unifying event and an intense demonstration of religious beliefs for these powerful empires. The Aztecs believed that the “vital energies” of one person could be transferred to another person through drinking the blood and eating the flesh. The gods also craved flesh and blood, so human sacrifice benefited both Aztecs and their ever-hungry deities. Sacrifice was an integral part of their worldview in which the threat of death was ever present, a threat that had to be countered by extreme and relentless measures that would magically transform death into life. Discoveries since the mid-twentieth century confirm that many women were sacrificed in special rituals intended to renew the fertility cycle.

Peruvian sacrifices were also concerned with encouraging the gods to bless their fertility. For reasons that are not entirely clear, the priests appear to have sacrificed an extraordinary number of children. Also somewhat obscure are the reasons for their practice of decapitating their victims. Having left no written records, the Incas and other Peruvian cultures have also taken with them their secrets and mysteries.

They tied human sacrifice to fertility directly. Other cultures, especially those in the the Middle East, tended to take a broader view on human sacrifice and made it a part of their everyday life for anything from solving armed conflict to bricklaying.

Foundation and passage sacrifices. There is abundant archaeological evidence that many societies practiced both animal and human sacrifice to persuade the gods to protect their buildings and ensure safe passage through dangerous areas where their own gods might lack jurisdiction. Burials suggestive of sacrifice have been found in the sites of ancient bridges and buildings throughout Asia, Europe, and North Africa. It was widely believed that territories were under the control of local gods who might be angered by intrusions. Blood sacrifice at border crossings (often marked by rivers) and within buildings were thought to be prudent offerings. Sacrificial victims were also interred beneath city gates.

Children were often selected as the sacrificial offerings. Excavation of the Bridge Gate in Bremen, Germany, and several ancient fortresses in Wales are among the many examples of this practice. According to the Book of Kings, when Joshua destroyed Jericho he prophesized that the man who rebuilds Jericho “shall lay the foundation stones thereof upon the body of his first born and in his youngest son shall he set up the gates thereof.” In rebuilding the city, Hiel later sacrificed his oldest and youngest sons in precisely this manner. The historian Nigel Davies observes that biblical accounts of foundation sacrifices have been supported by archaeological investigations:

In the sanctuary in Gezer were found two burnt skeletons of six-year-old children and the skulls of two adolescents that had been sawn in two. At Meggido a girl of fifteen had been killed and buried in the foundations of a large structure. Excavations show that the practice of interring children under new buildings was widespread and some were evidently buried alive. (Davies 1981, p. 61)

Foundation sacrifices dedicated to fertility (as, for example, in storage buildings) often involved infant and child victims. Captives, slaves, and criminals have also been selected as sacrificial victims on many occasions. That foundation sacrifices belong only to the remote past could be an erroneous assumption. In early twentieth-century Borneo an eyewitness testified that a criminal was buried alive in every posthole for a new building so that he might become a guardian spirit.

“Hey Bob, have we got a great job for you ….”

Yeah, I’d pass too. But, back then, it was a high, if short lived, honor.

By the time Jesus was crucified polite society was starting to frown on the whole concept of human sacrifice, unless it was for “the good of the state.” Nevertheless, rituals had to be observed, fertility sanctioned and so on. Many cultures, not just the European pagans, had a long history of citing eggs as the beginning of the world and of all life. For them there was no question, the egg came first.

So, when all else failed, various religions just let the locals substitute symbols for the various sacrifices and holocausts called for in their religious texts. And it doesn’t take a deep reading of the Old Testament to find tons of examples of those. Exodus and Kings are festooned with them.

And, because no plan ever really works, and because pagans thought the whole Jesus story was the ultimate blood sacrifice, things got tied together that were never meant to even be in the same room. Which led to this;

History of Easter Eggs and Easter Candy

The history of Easter Eggs as a symbol of new life should come as no surprise. The notion that the Earth itself was hatched from an egg was once widespread and appears in creation stories ranging from Asian to Ireland.

Eggs, in ancient times in Northern Europe, were a potent symbol of fertility and often used in rituals to guarantee a woman’s ability to bear children. To this day rural “grannywomen” (lay midwives/healers in the Appalachian mountains) still use eggs to predict, with uncanny accuracy, the sex of an unborn child by watching the rotation of an egg as it is suspended by a string over the abdomen of a pregnant woman.

Dyed eggs are given as gifts in many cultures. Decorated eggs bring with them a wish for the prosperity of the abundance during the coming year.

Folklore suggests that Easter egg hunts arose in Europe during “the Burning Times”, when the rise of Christianity led to the shunning (and persecution) of the followers of the “Old Religion”. Instead of giving the eggs as gifts the adults made a game of hiding them, gathering the children together and encouraging them to find the eggs. Some believe that the authorities seeking to find the “heathens” would follow or bribe the children to reveal where they found the eggs so that the property owner could be brought to justice.

The meat that is traditionally associated with Easter is ham. Though some might argue that ham is served at Easter since it is a “Christian” meat, (prohibited for others by the religious laws of Judaism and Islam) the origin probably lies in the early practices of the pagans of Northern Europe.

Having slaughtered and preserved the meat of their agricultural animals during the Blood Moon celebrations the previous autumn so they would have food throughout the winter months, they would celebrate the occasion by using up the last of the remaining cured meats.

In anticipation that the arrival of spring with its emerging plants and wildlife would provide them with fresh food in abundance, it was customary for many pagans to begin fasting at the time of the vernal equinox, clearing the “poisons” (and excess weight) produced by the heavier winter meals that had been stored in their bodies over the winter. Some have suggested that the purpose of this fasting may have been to create a sought-after state of “altered consciousness” in time for the spring festivals. One cannot but wonder if this practice of fasting might have been a forerunner of “giving up” foods during the Lenten season.

Chocolate Easter bunnies and eggs, marshmallow chicks in pastel colors, and candy of all sorts . . . these have pagan origins as well! To understand their association with religion we need to examine the meaning of food as a symbol.

The ancient belief that, by eating something we take on its characteristics formed the basis for the earliest “blessings” before meals (a way to honor the life that had been sacrificed so that we as humans could enjoy life) and, presumably, for the more recent Christian sacrament of communion as well.

Shaping candy Easter eggs and bunnies out of candy to celebrate the spring festival was, simply put, a way to celebrate the symbols of the goddess and the season, while laying claim to their strengths (vitality, growth, and fertility) for ourselves.

If you want to wander through a complete list of pagan gods who are involved in resurrection myths just click here and plan on reading for a while. You’ll also find out about hot cross buns and why they have nothing to do with Christianity.

Yeah, we could keep this up for years.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

A lot of what motivated me today can be traced to Samantha Brick. She’s the moaning cow in England who claims that women hate her because she’s too pretty. By “too pretty” she seems to mean “walks upright and has majority of her original teeth.” She talks about how men give her lots of gifts. That is the textbook definition of how men treat slutty mistresses. So, by “too pretty” we discern what she really means is “puts out on first date with other women’s boyfriends.” Which is fine. There’s nothing wrong with sluts. God knows a couple got me through some needy times. But please don’t confuse the issue. The way men act around her has nothing to do with her looks. Other than in a rudimentary, she’s better than roadkill, sort of way. Of course it doesn’t help that she’s blond and dresses like she just left a thrift store.

That being said, things must be pretty bad in the U.K. is she’s the hottest thing going.

But they’re still better than Kentucky where police arrested a man for watching wrestling videos. Oh wait, I mean they arrested a man at the library for jerking off to wrestling videos. Which, sadly, only reinforces my thoughts on professional wrestling and it’s target market.

And it’s certainly better than in Israel where people have been getting that special feeling by eating Honey Sex.

Scientists tested the “Honey Sex” and discovered the chemical Sildenafil, known as the active ingredient in the erectile disfunction drug Viagra.

The Health Ministry is warning Israelis against using the sweet stimulant. Consuming “Honey Sex” without consulting a medical professional could lead to heart problems or other side effects, the government statement said.

As an alternative, curious individuals who don’t strictly follow the laws of Kashrut might consider Baconlube, a savory sexual lubricant with smokey pork flavoring.

Seriously? Israeli scientists are advising devout Jews to use a pork flavored lubricant? I’m sure they’ll be real popular this Passover.

Not to be outdone, cops in Glenn Falls N.Y. arrested a guy for public fornication in a bar. And then things got weird.

This bartender may start making patrons pinky-promise not to bite him after his harrowing ordeal.

The Times Union reports that a man was kicked out of a Glens Falls, N.Y., bar after he was caught having sex in a designated smoking room.

While he was being escorted out, police say Ernest Vannier bit the pinky finger of a male bartender, almost chomping the finger clean-off.

“He took the whole end of it off and broke the bone,” Police Sgt. Keith Knoop told the Post Star.

Thankfully, doctors were able to re-attach the finger, Knoop told the paper.

This latest finger-biting-battle comes just weeks after the Washington Post reported on a St. Patrick’s Day brawl that ended with one man’s finger being gnawed off.

C’mon people, I thought we all learned not to bite when we were 4. Actually there’s a lot of stuff we were taught when we were young that folks just seem to forget.

Of course, some people forget more than others. For example, who knew that Amish Gone Wild would be the scariest and most perverted thing going?

Who knew you could be so perverted without the use of any electricity?

There’s been a slew of disturbing reports from Amish country, and not the kind that bring in tourists hoping to see how butter is made.

Not that kind of butter, anyway.

This man, 26-year-old Chester A. Mast, is accused of various sex crimes across two states, including statutory rape, statutory sodomy, sexual misconduct involving a child, repeated sexual assault of the same child and incest.

Police say the Curryville, Missouri, man admitted to sex and oral sex with a girl under the age of 17. Police also say Mast also admitted to masturbating in front of a girl under the age of 15, according to Hannibal.net.

But that’s not the only sordid tale from Amish country. No… in fact, this Cousin Mose lookalike might be considered just plain normal compared to this next lot.

Police in Lancaster, Wisconsin, say they’ve arrested two Amish men and accusing them of incest, sex with minors as young as 5 years old and sex with a animals.

I never thought bestiality would be the lesser of the charge in any story in which it appears… but these farmers have managed to pull it off.

The two men charged are brothers: Christian G. Stolzfus, 19, and Dannie G. Stolzfus, 18, both of Fennimore, Wisconsin.

Between the two of them, they’re charged with having sex with at least six family members, a cow and a horse. according to Wisconsin’s Channel3000.com.

The Web site reports that Christian Stolzfus “is charged with repeated sexual assault of a child, four counts of first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; attempted first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; two counts of incest; exposing genitals or pubic area; and two counts of sexual gratification with an animal.”

In addition, Dannie Stolzfus “is charged with two counts of incest and sexual gratification with an animal,” according to the site.

And in case you’re wondering, police believe these alleged acts took place on at least two different farms.

The pair are facing nearly 500 years in prison — 400 for Christian, 90 for Dannie if convicted.

Who knows — they might even be shunned.

No, sorry, I got nothing funny on that one.

But thanks be to God for Florida. I gots lots funny there. First off, a story about beating your meat that puts the phrase in a whole new light.

Elsie Egan faces domestic abuse charges after the meaty onslaught – which followed a row over which kind of bread they should eat.

Disabled boyfriend Peter Schabhuttl, 49, said he was hit ‘on top of his head with an uncooked steak, approximately 10-16oz’ for wanting a bread roll instead of sliced bread.

Egan, 53, of Dunnellon, Florida, denied wielding the steak but said she slapped him several times ‘so he can learn’.

Police noted redness on Mr Schabhuttl’s cheek and crown.

Yeah, she done be learnin’ him up good. She done learned him that he be better off whacking off to wrestling videos than being anywhere near her.

I mentioned sluts earlier and how they like to be showered with gifts. What I did not mention was white trash hookers who turn tricks for Happy Meals.

Of course it happened in Florida.

A woman was arrested in a prostitution sting — but not before she got two double cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at a McDonald’s.

Christine Faith Baker, 47, was walking on a Southwest Florida street last Friday when she was approached by a detective working in the Manatee County Sheriff Office’s special investigations division, according to a sheriff’s office report.

After the undercover detective invited Baker into his car and the talk turned to sex, she said her fee would be two double cheeseburgers from the dollar menu at McDonald’s, the report states.

The detective bought the burgers for $2.75 and then Baker told him that he could also tip her $40 for her services, according to the report. After Baker gave the detective directions to a vacant lot, Baker was arrested by other agents and charged with prostitution, the report states.

Baker was released from jail on Saturday, according to the sheriff’s office website.

$40 tip? For less than $3.00 worth of food? Does she think she works for the government?

Anyway, just as a point of journalistic accuracy, I called the McDonald’s in question and found out that the double cheeseburger is not on the dollar menu, as claimed above, so that was why it was $2.75 instead of $2.07 as it would have been otherwise.

I also found out she’s a regular customer.

But I can’t let you go through your day thinking everyone screws up sex. The story of Rachelle Chapman should give us all

Nearly two years after she was paralyzed in a freak accident at her bachelorette party, Rachelle Chapman looks forward to becoming a mother and continues to show that a woman can be beautiful and confident even in a wheelchair.

TODAY has followed the journey of the 26-year-old from Knightdale, N.C., and her husband, Chris, since her accident on May 23, 2010, through their wedding and honeymoon in July 2011. Since their last appearance on TODAY, Rachelle has learned to drive a specially modified van and has experienced standing and walking with the help of specialized machines at a rehabilitation facility called “Project Walk’’ in Carlsbad, Calif.

She aims to write a book about her experiences to inspire others in similar situations and jokingly told Hoda Kotb on Friday that the working title is “Hot, Sexy, and Rollin’ on 24s.’’

“It’s not just the story about my life, my injury and us; it’s also the story about (how) you can be sexy and you can be pretty in a wheelchair, and you can have confidence,’’ she said. “We’re just normal people, and no matter who you are and what situation you’re in, you can have confidence.’’

Showing that confidence, Chapman entered the Ms. Wheelchair Pageant in North Carolina last week, where she came up short of the first prize. She also plans on going to schools to read students a children’s book titled “New Opportunities’’ to help kids understand spinal cord injuries.

“To be able to start a family would be one of my bigger goals for Rachelle, not only because I know how important it is for her, but I believe she deserves that,’’ her physical therapist, Kimberly Davis, told NBC News. “I know that she and Chris would be wonderful parents.’’

Chapman has radiated confidence since the day she was playfully pushed into a swimming pool at a party in Virginia Beach, Va., by one of her bridesmaids and fractured the C6 vertebra in her neck when her head hit the bottom of the pool. The accident left her paralyzed from the collarbone down.

Her wedding was postponed for more than a year, but Chris stayed by her side and she was eventually pushed down the aisle by her father to become his wife on July 22, 2011.

After an all-expenses paid honeymoon to Fiji courtesy of 1-800 Registry, which also sponsored the wedding, Rachelle continues to inspire with each milestone she achieves. In January, she took her first trip to the spinal cord injury center at “Project Walk” thanks to the charitable group Walking With Anthony, which is devoted to helping people cast aside their wheelchairs.

There’s quite a bit more to this story and some fun video as well. So, if you have the chance, go and read the whole thing.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I realize that we live in a world that not only celebrates diversity but actually requires it to survive. So, in my day to day existence, when I note that this is different than that I usually applaud that knowledge, albeit silently so that I don’t get taken to a happy place with soft walls. You would be surprised how many people will call their local constabulary when faced with someone cheering wildly to themselves. You’d be even more amazed at the lack of humor displayed by the local gendarmes when they arrive. You would think that a lack of a sense of humor was a requirement for their job. Of course, the fact that they have guns kind of renders any proceeding somber upon their arrival. It’s hard to keep up the hilarity when people can kill you.

But, enough of my regular day. Let’s talk about the lives of other people. Like the really dangerous people who rob banks and the tellers who laugh their asses off at them. Of course, this particular teller is from Chicago, thus the guts and intelligence.

A quick-thinking teller is being credited with stopping a robbery by telling a woman with a demand note that the Northwest Side bank was closed, the FBI says.

The heist was foiled last week at the Albany Bank and Trust in the 3400 block of West Lawrence Avenue, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday in U.S. District Court.

Around 5 p.m. on March 29, Olga L. Perdomo entered the band and handed a note to a teller demanding “all of your money, no cops, no dye pack,” according to the complaint.

But instead of handing over any cash, the teller told Perdomo to come back the next day.

“(The teller) took the note and told the female that the bank was closed and that she should come back tomorrow. The female then left the bank,” the complaint states.

Surveillance video captured the woman, dressed in plaid pajama bottoms and a dark-colored hooded jacket with a large emblem on the back of the jacket.

The woman did not return the following day, but a bank employee who had seen the video spotted Perdomo outside the bank at about 3:20 p.m. Monday.

The employee called police who spotted Perdomo walking outside the bank with a man identified in the complaint as Willie Weathersby. Police recognized him as having robbed the same bank of $2,589 on March 23, according to the complaint.

Chicago police quickly arrested Perdomo and caught Weathersby after a brief chase.

The two appeared in U.S. District Court Tuesday.

I love that story even more than the one when the teller told the guy he’d written the hold up note on the wrong bank’s paperwork so he had to go rob a different bank. Which he tried to do, said the police who arrested him.

Cops love days like this.

Almost as much as they love when moms and daughters (an AWWW moment on the O Network) who point guns at people and take their money.

Move over Bonnie and Clyde and Frank and Jesse James, you’ve got (alleged) multistate bank-robbing company: Evie and Amelia.

Yesterday Police in Gulfport, Mississippi, busted 57-year-old Evie Mearlene Herrin and her 30-year-old daughter Amelia Darci Crew, both of the Texas town of Cleveland, as they were speeding down I-10 away from an alleged robbery of a Regions Bank. Police say they found the loot and a gun in the car.

According to the Gulfport Sun-Herald, Evie Mearlene donned a wig, walked in the bank, flashed (or possibly just implied she had) a gun and demanded cash. Crew was the alleged getaway driver.

Eyewitnesses gave police a good description of the car and the two were pulled over seven minutes after the robbery.

This might not be Evie and Amelia’s first heist.

Police in Henderson, Texas, believe that the mama-daughter duo took down that town’s Citizen’s National Bank on Leap Day and that they are responsible for four robberies: some in Texas, at least one more in Louisiana and the Gulfport job.

The women are currently in the Harrison County Jail on $200,000 bond, and the FBI is investigating their alleged trail of Thelma and Louise Gulf Coast mayhem.

“I love to sing,, and ADORE being the center of attention,” posted an Evie Herrin (who we’re almost positive is the mama) on Facebook. “Even if that requires me being a GOOBER….”

Or a ROBBER, apparently.

And it looks like the only song she’ll be singing soon is “Jailhouse Rock.”

They can put on a popular prison musical, then they can act out scenes from the greatest female empowerment movie ever made and then bake cookies.

I like cookies and that’s the kind of stuff moms and daughters should focus on.

Of course, not all families rob banks. That would be boring. Police in Florida, of course it’s Florida, are reporting that a man tried to kill his mom because she used his taco sauce.

Good Mexican-food God, what is it with Floridians, weird crime and tacos?

Christopher Phillips, 23 of Manatee County, found out that his mother had used some of his taco sauce. Naturally, he got so angry he decided to put her in a headlock. Then his girlfriend got involved. It was not a salsa fiesta.

According to the Smoking Gun, the incident happened on Monday afternoon. Christopher shares a home with his mother, and found out that his mama, Rebecca Phillips, had used his taco and salsa sauce on her dinner. Things got more heated than the most spicy salsa.

Christopher got up in his moms face while screaming and yelling. Rebecca pushed him back, that’s when Christopher decided to put his mom in a headlock. In the process he broke her glasses and caused pain to her neck.

Rebecca managed to break free, but Christopher wasn’t done. He went into his room and got his live in girlfriend, Lisa Tyre, 27.

Lisa, ever a classy lady, decided to get in on the action too. She started yelling at Rebecca, and then slapped her across the face four times. She took two slaps to both cheeks. The slaps caused a cut in Rebecca’s mouth.

She asked her son for her own car keys, but he refused to return them. So she walked all the way to her husband’s place of work before calling the police.

Both Christopher and Lisa were arrested on misdemeanor domestic battery charges.

No word on whether Mama decided to eat the rest of the taco sauce with a spoon while the pair was in jail out of spite. Sure, it might have stung the cut in her mouth, but true aficionados know taco sauce and salsa are dishes best eaten out of spite.

If you started from scratch and had never met a Mexican, you could still make a batch of taco sauce in 10 minutes or less.

Of course not every Floridian likes tacos. Some like to go to Applebees, get smashed, get naked, beat people up and sing karaoke.

All at once in a perfect world.

He must have been singing Creed.

A man knocked out a manager of a Florida Applebee’s late Sunday after employees cut him off during his one-man show, police said.

Jeffrey Thompson, 28, of Texas, was charged with battery and disorderly conduct after he took the stage at the Melbourne restaurant, took some clothes off and went berserk following terrible reviews on his performance, WKMG reported.

“He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance,” Melbourne police Sgt. Byron Barnes told the station. “He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience.”

A manager turned the music off after one customer complained during the stunt. Witnesses said Thompson threw one punch and knocked the employee out, WTSP reported.

A Palm Bay cop, who was eating at the restaurant at the time, chased the sad singer down and arrested him.

WKMG caught a shirtless Thompson mouthing off on video as he was shoved into a squad car.

“That one punched knocked you out, huh boy?” Thompson appeared to be saying.

Bad karaoke can certainly be a heated issue. But in the Philippines, it can get you killed. The New York Times has reported that Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” has been banned from many karaoke bars in the country because the song regularly incites violence — even resulting in deaths.

If you’ve ever sat through some tool crucifying My Way, you can completely understand.

But what’s different about any of these stories? Nothing. I write about idiots like this all the time. But, Ryan Gatenby, the nice man who lets me ruin his radio show once a week, and I have been bemoaning the lack of flying cars and other cool stuff we were promised as kids. Well, now, those promises are being fulfilled and that is something very different.

A flying car is being unveiled this week at the New York Auto Show, and we can’t help but wonder: If the roads are jam-packed with crazy drivers now, what would it be like if they all had flying cars?

The manufacturer, Terrafugia of Woborn, Mass., reports that it’s already received more than 100 preorders for its flying car — the Transition. The $279,000 dual-use vehicle sports folding wings and rugged, all-terrain wheels that will allow it to transition smoothly from the driveway to the roadway to the runway and beyond.

The first versions are expected to be available for delivery later this year. The vehicle will not take flight at the New York Auto Show, so the manufacturers released a sneak peek of the Transition doing its thing in this video recording of its first test flight.

The Transition, which reached an altitude of 1,400 feet, has a 23-gallon gas tank and can refuel at the average gas station.

Now, for the reality check: Flying cars may be a mainstay of science-fiction books, but they’re not likely to be a reality for the commuting masses.

They’d create an air-traffic nightmare for the Federal Aviation Administration, and they’re not suitable for major airports. (Unless some pretty drastic changes take place at the federal level, all flying still needs to be done in and out of an airport.)

“The Transition isn’t designed to replace anyone’s car, but it could replace your airplane,” according to the manufacturer’s website. “The Transition won’t be flown in and out of the congested commercial airspace that most commercial airlines and air travelers use. Most of the 5,200 public airports around the U.S., where one would fly a Transition, are underutilized.”

For those who happen to have their own airplane and are looking to save a few bucks, the Terrafugia website says the Transition might be just the answer: The flying car “reduces the cost of ownership of an airplane by burning automotive gasoline, parking in your garage at home instead of renting a hangar, and nearly eliminating ground transportation costs.”

This is not to be confused with the PAL-V (Personal Air and Land vehicle) that turns a car into a helicopter. Although that’s pretty darn cool too.

After dealing with nothing but idiots I thought it would be nice to end on a positive note.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

We live in a country that espouses family values. Many brandish them like clubs. And, while I might think that such usage would contradict the core idea, enough people do so these days that it seems normal. Which is what makes articles like this one so much fun. As regular readers of this blog know, Florida recently outlawed bestiality. It took them four tries and one try actually outlawed all sex between mammals until someone broke out a 4th grade biology book (from another state) and realized what mammals were. And still are. They’re those hairy things that excrete milk for their young, in case you weren’t sure. Their like include dolphins, kangaroos, dogs and humans. And, while I still oppose kangaroo / human sex, I’m a big fan of human / human sex. In fact, if the producers weren’t such prudes, I could go for a little of that right now. Well, true, I’d need a partner, no fun living with nothing but a left handed love affair, but I’m betting I could figure something out.

That’s why God created credit cards.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some loving families and how they encourage their members to better themselves. Like Curtis Pace and his underage nephew.

A Sarasota man was arrested after encouraging his underage nephew to commit an armed robbery with him, an arrest report shows.

On Feb. 1, Curtis Pace, 45, and his nephew robbed three people at gunpoint in the 4200 block of 53rd Avenue West in Bradenton.

The pair then drove off, but authorities tracked them down through the GPS on one of the stolen cell phones. They were arrested in Sarasota.

Pace later told authorities he and his nephew had been smoking rock cocaine. Pace is now at the Manatee County jail on several charges, including armed robbery, child abuse and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He is being held on bonds totaling $186,000.

Can’t you just feel the love and nurturing there?

Of course, there is no bond like the bond between a mother and her daughter. The entire O Network is built on that bit of treacle. So it’s heartening to see that, even in Florida, this holds true.

The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office has arrested a mother and daughter for stealing high end electronics and other items and in some cases pawning the goods for cash.

Detectives found 55-year-old Colleen Reiheld and her 20-year-old daughter Taylor, both of 155 Siesta Drive in Sarasota, committed several crimes since January of this year. On at least three occasions, the pair was seen entering the Target store located at 8401 South Tamiami Trail in Sarasota, concealing items in bags or purses, and leaving the store without paying. Stolen items include Go Pro HD cameras, a coffee maker, bottles of champagne, a cell phone charger and a tent.

Both women are charged with two counts of Grand Theft, and Colleen is facing additional charges of Dealing in Stolen Property and Providing False Ownership to a Pawn Broker for selling two Go Pro HD cameras and claiming to be the legal owner.

The Reihelds were booked into the Sarasota County Jail Thursday afternoon and later released on bond.

They pawned the goods for cash? What were they thinking? Don’t they know that you’re supposed to collect the stolen stuff and then keep it in an easy to find location? That’s what Zachary Thomas Jones did.

Divine intervention didn’t protect thousands of dollars that deputies say was stolen from a sacred stash spot Thursday.

A North Naples woman reported about $2,200 she kept inside a Bible in her car trunk was taken.

Zachary Thomas Jones, 18, of the 14000 block of Sterling Oaks Drive, North Naples, and the woman’s daughter, who is 16 years old, were arrested Friday by Collier deputies. They are accused of grabbing the woman’s car keys while she was in the shower and removing the cash from the Bible in the car. The woman told deputies she became suspicious when she saw Jones paying cash for nearly $300 in items from a corner store.

The majority of the money was found inside the teen girl’s bedroom closet, according to arrest reports.

Both teens face felony burglary and grant theft charges, as well as resisting a law enforcement officer without violence after deputies reported they tried to run from the scene.

Of course, not all thefts are self serving. Arnene Stanley, a loving mother of one, ripped off Wal-Mart for a ton of cash and prizes so she could care for her daughter.

On Thursday, March 29, detectives arrested Arnene Stanley, W/F, 37, for grand theft. On March 19, a loss prevention officer at the Wal-Mart on SW HWY 200 reported to detectives that Stanley, an assistant manager at the store, had stolen more than $6,000 from the store by creating false return transactions.

During the investigation, detectives collected receipts for returned jewelry items that had conflicting signatures. They also observed surveillance video that showed Stanley performing the transactions with no customers present. Detectives confirmed that Stanley used the identities of at least five victims to make numerous fraudulent transactions.

Stanley told detectives she stole the money to pay for her daughter’s medical bills. She worked for Wal-Mart for more than 20 years. Stanley was arrested and charged with Grand Theft (1 count) and Misuse of Personal Identification (9 counts). Her bond was set at $95,000.

And if she had $95,000 she wouldn’t have needed to steal to pay her daughter’s medical bills.

Just saying.

Of course no about Florida would be complete without boobs and poetry.

And burglars. Have to have burglars.

Roses are red, violets are blue, your poem is nice but we’re still arresting you.

Florida police say a drunk and disorderly 31-year-old woman allegedly tore off her shirt, and flashed her tattooed breasts, revealing a poem, during a burglary investigation.

Susan Stickle and her 44-year-old friend Eric Bachman were allegedly smashing glass and screaming inside a Vero Beach home last Sunday, so neighbors called police to report a possible burglary, according to arrest reports obtained by TCPalm.com.

When cops showed up, the pair was allegedly on the porch screaming expletives and appearing to “be intoxicated by drugs and alcohol.” An officer tried to talk to Bachman, but the suspect told him to go away.

That’s when things got scandalous.

When asked for her name, Stickle allegedly took off her shirt, revealing a completely exposed chest and a tattoo listed as “Poem of a dead tree,” the news website reported.

It’s yet unclear whether Stickle’s tattoo was her own composition or a reference to the Chinese poem by Yang Jian, which makes reference to an abrasive lifestyle:

“I no longer have any leaves, only thorns remain.”

Bachman refused to explain why the two were at the residence. Cops arrested both on charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Neighbors later told officers that the house belonged to Bachman, no burglary charges were filed.

That’s right kids, this fine example of the best the gene pool has to offer robbed his own home and trashed it. As to the poem, I’m going to go out on a limb and say this nice lady has never even heard of ancient China let alone read poetry from there.

Here’s a nice song from a Texan that he dedicated to his son. It’s got a nice Floridian blues vibe.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.