There’s just so much to get to today that I’m going to forgo my usual preamble and dive right in. Police in Florida remind crooks that, when fleeing the scene of a shooting, it’s best not to stop behind a tree and take a leak where everyone can see you. The unfortunately named Ryan Peck found that out the hard way. Also in Florida, Douglas Kutney, boy you don’t want to spell that sucker wrong, was arrested for molesting a cockatoo, dear God the jokes I can not tell, while not wearing any underwear. Moving just a little north, police in Georgia arrested a guy after they asked him, nicely, to get out of his van while he was naked and he, instead, tried to kill them all by running them over. That did not go well for him. And, bonus, he’s a Floridian who was wanted in Melbourne on an assault charge.
But not all of our nude nutjobs are in the southeast. The Southwest has some winners too.
New York may be the naked city, but San Diego is the home of the naked burglary suspect.
Early Wednesday morning, San Diego police apprehended a suspect who was allegedly attempting to rob musical instruments and electronic equipment from a church — wearing little more than a t-shirt and a purple tutu — with nothing underneath.
A resident reported seeing a tall, suspicious-looking person dressed in what appeared to be an oversize T-shirt and a sparkly purple tutu loading a guitar amplifier into a truck outside Palisades Presbyterian Church, according to Fox San Diego.
Officers arrived to find the suspect, Joshua Mahlon Baker, 39, carrying a trash can filled with property allegedly stolen from the house of worship, SDPD Detective Gary Hassen told CBS 8.
Authorities say when the 6-foot-3-inch, 190-pound Baker saw the police on the scene, he dropped the trash can and ran off to the north between two buildings and climbed a 6-foot chain link fence, losing his clothes in the process.
After the cops caught Baker, the person who placed the initial call positively identified him and Baker was arrested and charged with burglary and obstructing an officer, according to NBC San Diego.
Naked church robberies have been on the increase.
Why? I have no idea. We’re also seeing an uptick in naked truck robberies that end badly.
When Blake Bullock stopped his truck for a naked man in the street on Thursday, he thought he was the victim of a sick joke.
If only he were that lucky. Aaron Latham, 22, wasn’t sober and he definitely wasn’t joking.
“He just jumped in front of my truck, and he was naked and I thought it was a prank or something,” Bullock told the Star Press. “I was honking at him, and he started ramming his head into my front bumper over and over again.”
Bullock had found Latham at a bad time during his night, which started at about 9 p.m. when he allegedly climbed an electricity pole in Muncie, Del. Cops were called to the scene, but Latham escaped them by running down the street.
That’s when he found Bullock.
The driver got out of his truck to help the disturbed man, but took off when Latham started running toward him.
“I just ran away, not thinking he was going to hop in my truck,” Bullock told the paper.
Latham did, and allegedly took off in the stolen vehicle, driving straight through the front door of a home at 50 mph.
The crash ended his nude spree, and nobody was injured during the incident.
Australia seems to have become victim to the same trend.
A naked Australian man allegedly drank heavily and rolled his SUV as he sped to his goal: a pack of smokes.
Cops said that the 41-year-old unidentified drunk man was driving yesterday with his wife to get his nicotine fix at about 1:20 a.m. when he got lost, according to the Sydney Morning Herald.
He careened through the back streets of Wallsend, and at one point allegedly backed up quickly while turning, causing his vehicle to flip onto its roof. A nearby off-duty cop heard the wreck and found the allegedly boozed-up couple uninjured. Police reported that he was naked for unknown reasons.
Sadly, there are plenty of weird drunk driving cases to go around.
Video surfaced this month of a Minnesota Zamboni driver who was arrested after a pee-wee hockey team caught him on tape swiveling and swerving on the ice. Joel Bruss’s blood-alcohol level was measured at 0.32 percent — four times over the state’s legal driving limit at the time of the January incident.
Earlier this month, four young Amish adults were arrested in New York for allegedly driving their horse-driven buggies while drinking. Several other buggies fled the scene.
And in Oregon, a man accused of driving sauced on March 11 crashed into a rehab facility.
Showing up drunk and naked at a rehab facility certainly saves everyone a lot of time.
Police in Maine have admitted that one guy did have a legitimate reason t get naked and break out of prison.
He wanted to get laid.
Sex like this has got to be illegal.
A correction officer said he spotted a Maine inmate crawling in the county jail’s corridors after apparently sneaking to the women’s block for a romantic meetup on March 10.
Arien L’Italien, 23, of Biddeford, slipped from his maximum-security Cumberland County Jail unit by finagling with the lock around 11:50 p.m., according to a statement from the county sheriff’s department. After freeing himself from the cell, he moseyed over to Karla Wilson’s place in the pen.
While in her quarters, the two had sex. The guard saw L’Italien as he tried to crawl back to his cell at 12:50 a.m.
Watchmen check prisoners’ cells every 15 minutes, but L’Italien arranged his bunk to make it look like someone was tucked in, My Fox Boston reported.
The lovers evidently arranged their rendezvous by communicating through the jail’s ventilation system, according to the sheriff’s office.
L’Italien is on trial for attempted murder of a federal officer and possession of a firearm. Wilson, 25, has been charged with four counts of sexual assault and two counts of aggravated assault.
The lapse in security has prompted penal authorities to vow a full-scale reappraisal of the facilities and procedures, the Kennebec Journal reported.
In the embarrassing aftermath of the breach, prison officials transferred L’Italien to the super maximum security unit and moved Wilson to the intake unit, according to My Fox Boston.
Nearby, in Massachusetts, cops found a naked guy, slathered in grease, trying to break into a restaurant.
On the night of April 4, when 26-year-old Robert Kuhn greased himself up and climbed into a exhaust pipe at his former employer, the now-closed Lido restaurant in Springfield, Mass., he probably meant to execute the perfect crime. It was to be a burglary that involved entering but no breaking. Instead, he became exhibit A in the case against Santa Claus delivering presents to restaurants.
That’s because Kuhn didn’t get far down the 2′ x 2′ air shaft before he got stuck. The Boston Herald reports that Lido’s owner, and Kuhn’s old boss, Don Cerasa called the local police to report a pair of legs dangling out of his chimney.
When officers arrived, at about 9:55 pm, Kuhn allegedly told them, “I’m stuck.” A fireman is said to have laughed uncontrollably before helping Kuhn escape.
After Kuhn was freed from the pipe, he was put into the more spacious, but no less absolute, confinement of the back of a cop car. He was charged with breaking and entering after all.
Everyone agrees that Kuhn wasn’t wearing any pants when the police found him or when entered the cop car. It’s not clear, however, when or how he got that way. The Herald implies that Kuhn had removed his pants before entering the shaft, assumedly in a futile effort to reduce friction. But CBS Local News insists that Kuhn had become stuck because he hadn’t removed his pants before entering the shaft. According to the CBS story, the pants became entangled in some manner, which halted Kuhn’s intrepid entry into Lido’s.
I’m not sure that how he ended up pant-less or when is exactly relevant information. But I bet it will be interesting.
But, my hero is this Iowa City man who claimed he ended up drunk and naked because “they” made him hold a nuclear bomb.
No, you read that right.
His excuse was a dud.
A drunk, naked Iowa City man claimed during his arrest on Monday that four unknown assailants forced him to carry a nuclear bomb.
Johnson County cops were responding to a report of a naked man at about 3:30 a.m. when they found 41-year-old William Bliss, who was “excited” and allegedly smashed at the time, the Press-Citizen reported.
Bliss was allegedly stumbling around near his apartment, but made a break for it after he made the wild nuke claim, cops said. A chase ensued, and one officer was injured as Bliss was taken down.
The nude nuker allegedly had a blood-alcohol level of .111 when he got to jail. He admitted that he’d had nine beers and had been drinking vodka throughout the day, according to Fox 47.
Bliss was slapped with charges of interfering with and injuring an officer and public intoxication.
Cops didn’t find a nuclear bomb.
I can’t believe they couldn’t find the bomb. I mean, that almost makes it seem as though the nice man may have not been entirely truthful.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.