Keeping the World Safe

OH GOD! YES! I AM SOOOOO GUILTY IT ISN'T EVEN FUNNY! CUFF ME! CUFF ME NOW!!
Before I mount my usual wild eyed screed against whatever caught my minimal attention, I thought I’d mention something nice. A young lady named Corina Jane was diagnosed with cancer. “HEY MR. HAPPY THOUGHT …..” Relax. She’s fine. In fact she’s so fine that she’s been selected to represent the Chicago Rush at the Arena Bowl. That is some serious amount of fine.. And, ladies, you can knock it down a notch too. She’s hopelessly devoted to her boy toy. All she needs is for all of you to click on her name and help her get the fan votes she’ll need to go to Louisiana and represent the Windy City. You can handle that task. Since we are on the topic of hot women and Chicago sports I feel it is only fair to take a quick glance at what has been happening at the Cell.You see there is this wonderful statue of Louis Aprecio outside the park. He is smiling. He is bent forward. His right hand cupped to grasp the ball. Said hand is at the perfect height to also grasp a woman’s breast. So, every home game, hundreds of women, some en flagrante some not, pop their breasts into Louis’ outstretched hand and get their picture taken. in case that wasn’t clear enough for you the Sun Times ran a pic.

BOO YAH!

Enough of that, let’s talk about criminals. Swedish police arrested a man for stealing a beer truck. They were able to arrest him because he was so drunk when he stole the truck he forgot to close the back of it and they just followed the trail of broken bottles all the way to his house. He has since pleaded guilty to all charges.

Police in Gainsvile Florida may have heard the ultimate excuse for why a criminal fled the scene of a crime. He had to run because he had the runs.

Police in Florida said a man told them he fled the scene of an accident and went to a Walmart because he “had the runs.”

Gainesville police said Barnard Cato III was arrested Tuesday and charged with driving under the influence, hit and run and a felony count of leaving the scene of an accident involving injury after he struck another occupied vehicle and a few newspaper boxes around 7:15 a.m. Tuesday and left the scene, The Gainesville Sun reported Thursday.

Police found Cato a few minutes later at a Walmart, where he told officers he did not realize he had hit the other vehicle and he “pulled into the next stop. … I had the runs, I had to go,” he said.

Officers said Cato had a “strong odor of alcohol emanating from his breath and clothing” and his eyes were “bloodshot and watery.”

Cato declined to submit to a breathalyzer test.

Speaking of drunks, let’s move no to drunks with guns. They are always the most fun. Cops in Idaho arrested a man in Utah for forcing a victim to moonwalk at gunpoint.

A 30-year-old Idaho resident was charged with felony assault when he took his love of dance a step too far and allegedly forced another man to perform Michael Jackson’s always-tricky moonwalk routine at gunpoint.

According to a report in the Coeur d’Alene Press, sheriff’s deputies arrived at the home of John Ernest Cross on Monday after being informed he was using drugs and had ordered another man to make with the moves made famous by the late King of Pop — or else.

On Tuesday, Cross’ bail was set at $20,000, and he was ordered not to contact the other man.

NOW! ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!

Or not.

Also on the west coast, cops in Washington State arrested a burglar who called the victims and offered to trade some of the stuff he stole for the stuff he’d left behind. Like his ID. Even though he told them not to call the cops, they did so anyway said the police who made the arrest. Well, they did arrest him after they stopped laughing at him.

The one thing that stands out in the police report is that they mention, three times, how polite he was.

On the east coast crooks have a better sense of how things work. Cops in NY are looking for a hooker who, allegedly, drugged a diamond merchant and stole $500,000 worth of sparklers. So, if you know a hooker named Erika Cooper, 34, aka Bianca Williams in New York, she’s buying the next round.

Back on the west coast, a woman is suing McDonald’s for forcing her into prostitution, giving a whole new meaning to being Supersized. She claims they were complicit with her husband running a prostitution ring out of his Nevada franchise. But not his L.A. one. Oddly enough this is not the only McDonald’s related story involving a prostitute. Cops in Oklahoma are investigating the disappearance of an internet hooker who went missing at a local Mickey D’s after she showed up there to fulfill an online contract.

I may have to rethink my usual aversion to McDonald’s.

Or not.

Cops in Indianapolis are doing their level best to keep the world safe. They arrested a 6 year terrorist who threatened his principal.

Police in a small Indiana town hauled a six-year-old from his elementary school and charged him with battery and intimidation after he kicked and threatened a principal, police said on Wednesday.

The incident followed one earlier in April where police handcuffed a 6-year-old girl who was screaming and crying and had injured a principal and damaged property at an elementary school in Milledgeville, Georgia. She was not charged.

The Indiana student, who had been suspended from school recently for biting and hitting a staff member, was arrested April 18 at Hendricks Elementary School in Shelbyville, which is about 30 miles southeast of Indianapolis.

“This was not an isolated incident,” Shelbyville Police Lieutenant Michael Turner said.

School officials called police, reporting that the student, who was not identified, had kicked Principal Patrick Lumbley and told him and Assistant Principal Jessica Poe that he was going to kill them, a Shelbyville police report said.

The student was yelling and screaming and lying on the floor of Poe’s office when police arrived, the report said.

Poe led the student to a police car where an officer placed him in the back seat, buckled him in and drove him to the police department, the report said. He was not handcuffed.

Turner said he hoped the filing of juvenile charges would help get the child needed help.

“Putting him into the system can open up avenues perhaps the parents don’t have,” Turner said.

Really? The only way this college graduate and leader of children can come up with to get this kid the obvious help he needs is to have him arrested? Have things gotten that bad in Cornville?

If so that’s the kind of thing that would lead people to become activists. Especially anti-violence pro-education activists. And that strong, pacifist based stance would then lead them to slash tires and terrorize a city.

Wait? What?

Off to Philly we go.

A neighborhood activist who spoke out about the vandalizing of dozens of cars near his home now has been arrested in the case, police say.

At a press conference Wednesday evening, police said Toledo had been arrested and charged with two counts of felony mischief, 47 counts of criminal mischief, false reports and other related offenses.

Police say they questioned Toledo extensively on April 16, the same day the most recent vandalism was reported on Aldine and Teesdale Streets as a dozen or so more cars were targeted.

Toledo has spoken to NBC10 several times since coverage of tire slashings in the area of the 4000 block of Aldine Street and surrounding roads began to surface in February. The vandalism dates back even further than that, according to neighbors.

“I hope the cops get them before the neighbors find out who it is because something bad is going to happen,” Toledo said after some cars were vandalized in mid-March. “My wife said ‘somebody is watching us, watching the cops’ because when they’re here nothing happens.”

Now police say that it was Toledo who was causing sleepless nights for neighbors concerned that their cars would be vandalized while they slept. A town watch was formed and police even offered a big reward for an arrest in the case.

All along, Toledo, who lives on Aldine Street, was there speaking out against the vandalism.

“This will be the last time that you’re going to get my car because you will get caught,” Toledo told NBC10 after just his tires were slashed on March 20. “The $10,000 reward, I don’t want the money, all I want is their hands so I can smash them so they can never do it again.”

It’s unclear if Toledo is responsible for all the area vandalism but police do believe he at least committed some of the tire slashings on Teesdale, Aldine and Erdrick Streets, McGinnis said.

NBC10 also spoke exclusively with Toledo’s mother, who reacted strongly to her son’s arrest.

“I think he’s being set up,” she said. “He doesn’t go around slashing tires. He’s got better things to do in life — he’s got a life!”

The local town watch program Toledo claimed to be a part of held a meeting at 7 p.m. at Frankford and Aldine. In spite of Toledo’s claims, the town watch says he was never a member of their organization.

Philadelphia Police urged neighbors who feel betrayed by Toledo to not take matters into their own hands.

“Let the justice system take care of Mr. Toledo,” said Capt. Frank Bachmayer. “We don’t want any type of retaliation.”

Which is why they are making it real easy to get his home address and directions.

Oy.

Oh well, the world may not be any safer, even with the arrests listed above, but at least they keep me gainfully employed.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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