Driving You Crazy

A long time ago in a land far, far away …. well, 1980 and a suburb to be named later to be specific, I was driving a borrowed motorcycle with a young lady on the back. She thought it would be great fun for all involved if we had a little naughty moment while I drove. And she was right. Well, she was right up until I hit a small pothole which caused her to bite down which caused me to scream and lose control of the bike which caused the bike to end up in a laundromat. I bring this up so that you will understand that I am qualified to talk about stupid things people do while driving. I am also qualified to talk about bad taste as anyone who saw my wardrobe in the 70’s can attest. I went in for orange suits and bell bottoms with prints. That being said, even I would have avoided the Helen Keller sunglasses with the company motto “You see the world, the world sees you.” Also, I feel, based on the above, qualified to talk about bad judgement. NY native, Brianna, has made a You Tube offer to have sex with the last person selected in the NFL draft. Since there is no rule that says the person drafted last has to be male, or human for that matter, I’m hoping whoever holds that pick has some fun.

A cow went to McDonald’s. Insert your own jokes here.

Anyway, mooooooving on, (oh, you knew that was coming), let’s talk about the smart lady who jumped out of racing van as her loving spouse drove it off a cliff.

A California woman was forced to jump from a speeding van, because her husband was driving towards a cliff in order to escape from police.

Malibu cops say that Michael Kheop, 44, started to flee in the stolen van at about 1:30 p.m. on Friday during a traffic stop. His wife Meru was in the passenger seat. and she told CBS2 that she wanted him to surrender and assured him that everything would be all right.

But Kheop wanted to get away and allegedly turned toward a 200-foot cliff.

“I said … ‘Get out of the car, we can handle this,'” Meru Kheop told the station. “He said, ‘Get out,’ and I opened the door, and then that’s when the car turned.”

“I jumped when it was about to go down,” she added.

She made it just in time. Her spouse cascaded down the grassy cliff, but miraculously survived. He eluded cops a second time by allegedly hiding in the brush.

The van was smashed, KTLA reported.

Cops searched for him for five hours. He had escaped — until Meru Kheop heard a knock at her window that evening. It was Michael, but Meru didn’t let him in. She called police who arrested him without incident.

Police charged him with attempted murder for endangering his wife and car theft. His bail was set at $100,000.

It must have been a really wonderful van to go through all that. And, even in California, I’m betting she now has valid grounds for divorce.

In unrelated news, a blind guy built a sports car in his garage. He had time on his hands and seems to be a lonely, bitter soul, so this kept him occupied.

No, he still isn’t allowed to drive it.

Quick funny, a gun instructor in Virginia shot himself and his wife with the same bullet. Even in Virginia, I’m betting she now has valid grounds for divorce.

In Romania, you’ll be pleased to learn, driving a motorcycle naked is legal. Driving it without a helmet is not.

A Romanian policeman pulled over a woman who was riding pillion naked on a motorcycle – and booked her for failing to wear a helmet.

The woman was not wearing a stitch but the traffic officer said it was the only offence that he had authorisation to book her for.

Motorists got out their smartphones to take photographs of the eye-catching biker who was pulled over in Constanta.

And, after accepting her punishment, she donned a helmet before continuing her journey – still naked.

“The officer was a traffic cop and the only traffic offence she’d committed was in not wearing a helmet,” one witness told Romanian media.

“So he gave her a warning and a ticket and told her and her companion to ride on,” they added.

Yes, there’s a pic of the young lady if you click the link. Let’s just say she wears naked well and move on.

New Yorkers are having a heck of a time with drivers having sex in their cars. It has actually become a problem severe enough to warrant police intervention.

New Yorkers are getting fed up with clubgoers who make hanky panky inside of parked cars. Residents between Seventh and Eighth Avenues around West 30th Street say randy partiers are having sex in cars, leaving condoms on the street, honking car horns at all hours … you get the idea. So the neighbors have convinced a community board to back a request for a no-parking area on weekend nights, the New York Post reports. The board can’t enforce the ban, but has petitioned city leaders to take action. One club on the strip is already in hot water after the State Liquor Authority denied its request to renew its liquor license. Facing possible closure, The Parlour owner Rocco Sergio has promised to resolve problems with the community, saying, “I had no idea that anything like that was going on.” Says one longtime resident: “Every night when they close, there is controlled riot.”

Guys I hate to break it to you but the only thing saving you from people just straight up fucking on the streets might be those cars. Those foggy windows are the only thing between you and live sex shows on the streets. Because generally speaking if you are stumbling out of a club and can’t wait to get back to someone’s apartment and you’re willing to fuck in the car, you’re not going to be stopped. Sex in alleys or secret hand jobs on the corner, whatever. At that stage in the game people aren’t being denied. So I guess if you change the parking laws, you’ll avoid the honking horns. But people ain’t gonna stop fucking any time soon.

Its like the old saying “You can take the cars out of the neighborhood where people want to fuck, but you can’t take the want to fuck in cars out of the people in your neighborhood.” Right? Makes sense? Good.

Back in the day the only place we young-uns could have sex was in a car. But we had the decency to find some place private first.

Of course, we didn’t have the advantage of having a police escort every time we wanted to drive our Ferrari’s really fast either, so we had to make do with our Impalas behind a factory.

Two state troopers have been suspended over allegations they provided an “unauthorized escort” to a group of sports cars — including one driven by football star Brandon Jacobs — driving at high speeds in New Jersey.

The convoy of cars, including Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Porsches and others, traveled at speeds in excess of 100 mph down the Garden State Parkway to Atlantic City last month, according to The Star-Ledger newspaper. They also traveled on the New Jersey Turnpike and Atlantic City Expressway.

The paper said witnesses had made complaints to police about the caravan — which one witness dubbed “Death Race 2012″ — saying they saw patrol cars with emergency lights flashing at the front and rear of the sports cars.

The Star-Ledger also obtained amateur video footage of a caravan of luxury cars allegedly being escorted by state police at high speed on the Garden State Parkway in 2010. It is not known which officers were involved in this convoy.

A statement released late Monday by the attorney general’s office said Sgt. First Class Nadir Nassry, 47, a trooper for 25 years, and Trooper Joseph Ventrella, 28, who has six years’ service, had been suspended without pay in relation to the incident last month.

An unnamed station commander was also transferred “until any potential involvement on his part has been determined,” the statement said.

“We will not tolerate any conduct by a member of the State Police that puts the public in jeopardy, as this unauthorized caravan had the potential to do,” Attorney General Jeffrey S. Chiesa said, according to the statement. “We are thoroughly investigating this incident, and those responsible will face serious discipline.”

Lt. Stephen Jones, a spokesman for the state police, said investigators would be looking to see if there were any incidents in addition to the one last month and the one in 2010.

“You better believe they are looking hard to see if there are any more; they are certainly checking that,” he told msnbc.com.

Charles Sciarra, an attorney representing Nassry, said in an email that state police officials had canceled a scheduled interview with his client and “simply suspended him without pay.”

“This change of course was taken only after tabloid-like headlines appeared on the cover of Star Ledger over the last two days. The headlines scream ‘Death Race 2012’ when in fact these charitable organizations routinely ask and receive escorts from the State Police to and from the various charitable functions they attend with their exotic vehicles,” Sciarra said. “This practice has been in effect for years.”

Really? Why? I mean if you want to have a cop act as security for your function you better be ready to write a nice sized check. I know that since I have hired them many times during my life. So why do these rich tools get a free escort every time they want to drive around at 100 mph?

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.