There’s Just Too Much!

When you have kids you'll drink just like mommy does.
Well all know what too much means. You order the cheeseburger and are greeted with a one pound behemoth slathered in stuff with a plate of cheese fries on the side, covered in salsa – naturally, and a soft drink the size of Utah. Or you meet a nice lady in a bar and the two of you hit it off and the next thing you know you’re locked in a motel room with the Poynter triplets and someone’s busting out the body paint. Well, that’s kind of like my morning thus far, minus the saturated fats and nude models. As regular readers know I occasionally poke a gentle stick into the festering corpse that passes for civilization in Florida. Well, today, I had programmed my search engine to find me crimes in Florida over the past week. I added some filters, the usual ones I use, and set it free. It usually comes back with 4 or 5 stories and I work from there. Today there are 16 to choose from. Take, please, the case of Carl I. Little, Jr. Recently released from prison and he decided that this freedom thing is too much for one man to bear so he robbed a bank. While the police haven’t caught him yet they do have a lovely 8X10 that they snagged from the surveillance footage that clearly shows his face and other distinguishing features. Not to be outdone, Gabriel Miller, Gabe to his friends, was arrested to stealing a car on his way home from prison where he had just served a stretch for grand theft auto. He’s really bad at this, don’t you think?

Also “bad at this” is one Marcus Wayne Hunt. I’ll let Sheriff David Gee, from Hillsborough Florida, tell the tale.

On April 14, 2012 at approximately 4:22 p.m., Marcus Wayne Hunt was released from Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office jail after posting bond. Tampa Police Department had arrested Hunt earlier the same day on charges of Fleeing and Attempting to Elude Police and No Valid Driver’s License.

Approximately sixteen minutes after his release from jail, Hunt approached a victim in the area of 78th Street and Gray Moss Lane. Hunt struck the victim in the face and took the victim’s bicycle, valued at $190.00.

Detectives were able to identify and issue a warrant for Hunt in connection with the April 14 incident. He was taken into custody on April 17 at approximately 11:29 a.m. at 8708 Fish Lake Road.

Of course we can’t forget those classy Florida dames like Jennifer Marie Guthrie who robbed two men just after being released from prison for robbery.

I’m starting to see a pattern here.

And let us not forget the lovely and talented Ms. Theresa Jones who got out of jail after serving time for drugs and hooking an met up with a nice man (pen pal) on her way out and then stole his car to go on a beer and crack cocaine run.

I understand the beer part but …..

Anyway, she got arrested again.

Now, folks, if your pen pal is in the slammer the odds are, and I’m just pointing out the painfully obvious, that they may not be the stellar humans you want to introduce to your parent while in church. Also, if your only hope of getting a date involves recently released inmates, just buy an inflatable doll and get yourself neutered.

Of course, even Floridians can be taught proper manners, right? After the bikini riot at Burger King and the man who shot up a Denny’s to get better service (it didn’t work in case you’re thinking about it), those kind of incidents have declined.

Right?

Oh, hell, no.

Jennifer Lynn Betterfly, driving on a suspended license and possessing godawful taste in food, rammed a car at a Taco Bell because she wanted to place her order and the other car was in her way.

Yeah, boys, she’s still single if you can believe it. And you know that for a couple of Gordita’s she’ll think WAY outside the bun.

Also at Taco Bell, Joshua Ryan Fisher, terrorized customers by throwing utensils, his head set and a taco pizza into a customer’s face. Police say he was cold sober at the time and have offered no explanation for his behavior.

How about “he works at Taco Bell”?

And we can’t forget Michael Linn Ogborn, who beat up a manager at Sonic’s for putting tomatoes on his BLT a/k/a bacon – lettuce – tomato sandwich.

You just can’t make stuff like that up.

But there was one item out of Florida that stood head and shoulders above the rest. This is the kind of thing that can, and does, only happen in Florida.

Terrorist squirrels are attacking trailer parks.

And they’re armed with Molotov cocktails or something similar.

Unbelievable but true. Conditions are so dry right now that even squirrels are accidently sparking devastating fires. And the worst part seems to be there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Four brush fires in four days and a Lehigh Acres firefighter says all of them were started by squirrels.

A squirrel was also blamed for the Buckingham fire Tuesday that ultimately destroyed the home of a local pastor.

Clark Ryals with Florida Forest Service says this is a first for him.

“This has happened before but I’ve never heard of it causing fires,” he said.

Scurrying along high voltage lines, the squirrels play a dangerous game when they touch one line while still on another.

“They create a connection between the two which is called arching and the electricity flows through them and can sometimes set them ablaze,” Ryals said.

He says incidents of squirrels getting fried are not as uncommon as people think.

“Usually they are safe if the stay on one wire at a time. But when they try to reach over to the other wire they make that arc,” Ryals said.

But with rain hard to come by throughout many portions of Southwest Florida, we could begin seeing a rise in serious brushfires started by the animals.

“I think you are going to see more and more chances of causing fires in the near future until we start getting steady rainfall,” said Ryals.

But stopping the squirrels from hopping along the wires isn’t something that’s expected to happen anytime soon.

“It’s an inherent risk you have with electricity flowing over the wires that these accidents can possibly happen,” said Ryals.

For residents, keeping a watchful eye out is the best solution.

“If you do have a transformer that blows, call the power company and the fire department as soon as possible. That way tragedies that happened today won’t happen in the future,” Ryals said.

So while there’s not much you can do to stop this from potentially happening to you, officials say you can keep your lawn watered so the grass isn’t as dry as it could be.

“Accidentally?”

I don’t think so. They’re just tired of the words “squirrely” and “nuts” being associated with Floridians. You would be too if you were a squirrel.

Here’s a sexy Floridian named Tori. Well, she’s sexy to other Floridians, which should frighten the hell out of the gene pool.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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