It’s a Holy Day, Let’s Talk About Porn

Our IT department's idea of a lunch break.
I know, I know, you’re busting out the Kleenex in anticipation and, don’t worry, we’ll get to the porn stuff. But many readers want to know the proper way to celebrate Easter since they are unclear on it’s pagan roots. Allow me to help.

Czech Republic and Slovakia: In both the countries, women can expect to get (a) whipping. As a part of the Easter tradition, men beat girls and women with decorated handmade whips. However, the whipping is not intended to be painful. It is believed that whipping on the Easter day makes women more healthy and beautiful.

Finland: In Finland, the Easter celebrations have a Halloween look as the children dress up as witches with broomsticks hanged around their necks. They wander in the streets in search of treats. It is believed that during the festival, witches become more powerful and bonfires are made to scare them off.

Australia: Usually, all over the world it is the Easter Bunny that brings in the chocolates and hides the eggs, but in Australia it is an Easter Bilby that brings the eggs. One reason behind this interesting change is to create awareness on bilby which is an endangered species in Australia and another reason is a dislike towards the bunnies which destroy the crops. On Easter, chocolate bilbies will be made.

Colombia: Colombians have strange dinner menu for the Easter day. Instead of chocolates and eggs, they dine on iguana, turtles and big rodents for the feast.

Germany: In other countries Easter eggs are hidden and children go for egg hunting but in Germany Easter eggs instead are displayed on trees and prominently in streets. Some of the trees will have thousands of multi color eggs hanged on them.

Greece: Easter is known for multicolor-decorated eggs, but in Greece you will find only red color eggs. Greeks paint all their eggs only red and use these for making the Easter bread.

Hungary: Hungarian women get a water splash on Easter day, as per the tradition. The men pour water on traditionally dressed women on the Easter day.

Polish Traditions: The master of the house is not permitted to take part in the Easter bread preparation, because it is believed that dough will fall on his moustache making it go grey and the dough will fail. They also believe that swallowing a willow catkin from a branch consecrated by a priest would bring health.

In other words, dress your kids like they’re going to a Harry Potter film fest, find some women and get them very wet and then whip them while all the men stay out of the kitchen and avoid getting dough on their mustaches. Because nothing says “Resurrection of our Lord and Savior” like a bunch of kids dressed for Satanic rituals while the adults get involved in some playful S&M.

That’s what Jesus would do.

Or not. Who the hell knows any more?

Anyway, in keeping with that train of thought, let’s go now to the nice church where they showed gay porn for some kids’ Communion.

Holy oops!

The Catholic Church launched an investigation after an Irish priest inadvertently played a slide show of gay porn to a group of parents who had come for a meeting about their children’s First Communion.

Father Martin McVeigh was setting up a PowerPoint presentation last week when the sexual images popped up on the computer, The Ulster Herald reported.

“There were plenty of shocked faces,” one person at the meeting told the newspaper. “There’s a lot of parents very angry about it.”

Parents said in a statement that McVeigh quickly removed the offending memory card from the computer and bolted from the room.

“He was visibly shaken and flustered,” the statement said, according to The Associated Press. “He gave no explanation or apology to the group and bolted out of the room. The coordinator and the teachers then continued with the presentation.”

McVeigh returned to the meeting 20 minutes later and told parents that children get lots of money for their Holy Communion and should consider giving some of it to the church.

Parents present at the meeting were understandably furious and many of them pulled their children from the First Communion program, The AP reported.

On Monday, the head of the Catholic Church in Ireland, Cardinal Sean Brady, said McVeigh had no idea how the images got on the memory stick and was assisting with the investigation.

“The priest has stated that he had no knowledge of the offending imagery,” Brady said in a statement. “The archdiocese immediately sought the advice of the [Police Service of Northern Ireland\], who indicated that, on the basis of the evidence available, no crime had been committed.”

McVeigh reportedly said other church officials had access to the memory stick as well.

“I don’t know how it happened but I know what happened,” he said.

Yeah, the magic gay porn fairy put it there. Happens all the time. You know where else the magic gay porn fairy likes to hide stuff? Brand new cell phones.

Gina Lala’s new phone from a Verizon store in Skokie, Ill. came with a few features she wanted, and at least one she didn’t: graphic pictures of naked men, lots of them.

“I go to the photo gallery and there are pictures of people I don’t know, that have obviously been on the phone, very disturbing pictures, very offensive,” Gina told Chicago’s NBC5. “I got very upset. I have young kids and they go through my phone. They play with my phone!”

The manager of the independently-owned store in Skokie took care of her situation, she says, and made her a promise: “Assured me this was a mistake and it would never happen again. And sure enough, it happened again — with my mom.”

One year later, same store — it happened again. This time it did not have the pornography. The “new” phone was purchased by Lala’s mom, Nancy, an iPhone she says she was excited to bring home.

“And I looked at the box, and on the back of the box there was a little sticky note that said this phone had been slammed on a desk and there’s a nick on the back of it,” Nancy said. She showed NBC5 the yellow sticky-note from the box, as you can see in the video here on NBC Chicago.

While most of the phones sold as new are, indeed, new gadgets, Target 5 found this is a problem that continues to plague consumers around the world. Customers sound off about the practice online; in China, a lawsuit was filed by angry iPhone users who allege they were sold refurbished phones with dwindling warranties.

The manager of the store in Skokie told Target 5 he remembers the Lala’s two incidents, and admits mistakes happen. Verizon Corporate issued this statement in response to NBC5’s inquiry:

We require full disclosure that a device has been previously used. Equipment sales are the agent’s independent business, however. To the extent full disclosure was not provided, we would certainly take corrective action. We appreciate the issue being brought to our attention and we are committed to ensuring adherence with our policies. We will address any customer concerns directly. It is our goal to ensure customer satisfaction.

After their experience, the Lalas question if this is a problem experienced more at independently owned stores, versus corporate branches. The CTIA, a group that represents the wireless industry, did not respond to our repeated calls for comment on the questions surrounding this issue. But the following wireless companies did respond to consumer complaints about sales of refurbished phones represented as new.

Here’s what a few other providers said about their policies.

    Cricket Wireless

  • It is Cricket’s policy not to sell refurbished phones as new to customers.

The company says it takes this policy seriously, and in recent months revoked the sales privileges of six stores that were selling refurbished phones as new.

    AT&T

  • With one of the broadest portfolios of Smartphones in the industry, AT&T is proud to offer great devices at a variety of price points. One way we do this is by offering customers the opportunity to purchase refurbished phones at lower costs than new ones. Our refurbished phones are clearly marked as such at point of sale. They are phones that have been returned to the store within 30 days of purchase. The software on all refurbished phones has updated and reset so as to remove any information about the previous owner.
    Tiger Direct

  • In today’s marketplace, cellphones are available from a variety of channels. Online, small phone stores, and even at gas stations. Refurbished (sometimes called recertified or “previously owned”) phones serve as replacements for the majority of phone carriers when your phone is damaged. They are also a good value for people buying phones without contracts or even for use with prepaid services.
  • TigerDirect sells new, as well as refurbished phones – including those with and without service. All products on our website and in our retail stores clearly show the product condition to ensure customers are clear on what they are purchasing.

Refurbished phones are always marked as such – and generic packaging (plain white or brown box) is a great indicator. (New phones tend to come in branded packaging.) At smaller retailers and gas stations, many of the inexpensive phones available are refurbished as well – even though they may be in a very attractive sealed plastic package. “

“Realizing that I paid for a new phone and did not get a new phone, that it was like you were selling me a used product and it was expensive!” said Nancy.

Like mother, like daughter, Lala echoed the sentiments.

“I’m paying full price for a brand new phone and I get a refurbished phone — it’s kinda like I was scammed!”

No, it was EXACTLY like you were getting scammed.

Speaking of scams, you have to give this next guy credit. He sued, and briefly won, a £750 million lawsuit demanding to be allowed to have sex in prison.

Rayden Simon Kullem, who is from Zimbabwe, claimed his human rights were being breached by the ban.

And due to an administration blunder he temporarily won his case by default – after Government solicitors failed to oppose his case.

This led to an urgent court hearing being held, in which a top judge dismissed the “preposterous” claim.

Kullem is in Hull Prison awaiting deportation to Zimbabwe following the end of his prison sentence. He has twice failed in his bid to become a UK citizen.

Kullem launched a civil claim against the Government last September on the grounds it was a breach of his human rights not to be allowed to have sex in prison.

It’s a really long story but it all comes down to this. He has to get his sexy on in the shower just like the other inmates.

And, no, he doesn’t get the money.

By the way, assuming I got all the rules right, this is the perfect Easter video.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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