Screwing Up Sex

Gee thanks mom and dad, my therapist needed a new Porsche.
A lot of what motivated me today can be traced to Samantha Brick. She’s the moaning cow in England who claims that women hate her because she’s too pretty. By “too pretty” she seems to mean “walks upright and has majority of her original teeth.” She talks about how men give her lots of gifts. That is the textbook definition of how men treat slutty mistresses. So, by “too pretty” we discern what she really means is “puts out on first date with other women’s boyfriends.” Which is fine. There’s nothing wrong with sluts. God knows a couple got me through some needy times. But please don’t confuse the issue. The way men act around her has nothing to do with her looks. Other than in a rudimentary, she’s better than roadkill, sort of way. Of course it doesn’t help that she’s blond and dresses like she just left a thrift store.

That being said, things must be pretty bad in the U.K. is she’s the hottest thing going.

But they’re still better than Kentucky where police arrested a man for watching wrestling videos. Oh wait, I mean they arrested a man at the library for jerking off to wrestling videos. Which, sadly, only reinforces my thoughts on professional wrestling and it’s target market.

And it’s certainly better than in Israel where people have been getting that special feeling by eating Honey Sex.

Scientists tested the “Honey Sex” and discovered the chemical Sildenafil, known as the active ingredient in the erectile disfunction drug Viagra.

The Health Ministry is warning Israelis against using the sweet stimulant. Consuming “Honey Sex” without consulting a medical professional could lead to heart problems or other side effects, the government statement said.

As an alternative, curious individuals who don’t strictly follow the laws of Kashrut might consider Baconlube, a savory sexual lubricant with smokey pork flavoring.

Seriously? Israeli scientists are advising devout Jews to use a pork flavored lubricant? I’m sure they’ll be real popular this Passover.

Not to be outdone, cops in Glenn Falls N.Y. arrested a guy for public fornication in a bar. And then things got weird.

This bartender may start making patrons pinky-promise not to bite him after his harrowing ordeal.

The Times Union reports that a man was kicked out of a Glens Falls, N.Y., bar after he was caught having sex in a designated smoking room.

While he was being escorted out, police say Ernest Vannier bit the pinky finger of a male bartender, almost chomping the finger clean-off.

“He took the whole end of it off and broke the bone,” Police Sgt. Keith Knoop told the Post Star.

Thankfully, doctors were able to re-attach the finger, Knoop told the paper.

This latest finger-biting-battle comes just weeks after the Washington Post reported on a St. Patrick’s Day brawl that ended with one man’s finger being gnawed off.

C’mon people, I thought we all learned not to bite when we were 4. Actually there’s a lot of stuff we were taught when we were young that folks just seem to forget.

Of course, some people forget more than others. For example, who knew that Amish Gone Wild would be the scariest and most perverted thing going?

Who knew you could be so perverted without the use of any electricity?

There’s been a slew of disturbing reports from Amish country, and not the kind that bring in tourists hoping to see how butter is made.

Not that kind of butter, anyway.

This man, 26-year-old Chester A. Mast, is accused of various sex crimes across two states, including statutory rape, statutory sodomy, sexual misconduct involving a child, repeated sexual assault of the same child and incest.

Police say the Curryville, Missouri, man admitted to sex and oral sex with a girl under the age of 17. Police also say Mast also admitted to masturbating in front of a girl under the age of 15, according to Hannibal.net.

But that’s not the only sordid tale from Amish country. No… in fact, this Cousin Mose lookalike might be considered just plain normal compared to this next lot.

Police in Lancaster, Wisconsin, say they’ve arrested two Amish men and accusing them of incest, sex with minors as young as 5 years old and sex with a animals.

I never thought bestiality would be the lesser of the charge in any story in which it appears… but these farmers have managed to pull it off.

The two men charged are brothers: Christian G. Stolzfus, 19, and Dannie G. Stolzfus, 18, both of Fennimore, Wisconsin.

Between the two of them, they’re charged with having sex with at least six family members, a cow and a horse. according to Wisconsin’s Channel3000.com.

The Web site reports that Christian Stolzfus “is charged with repeated sexual assault of a child, four counts of first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; attempted first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; two counts of incest; exposing genitals or pubic area; and two counts of sexual gratification with an animal.”

In addition, Dannie Stolzfus “is charged with two counts of incest and sexual gratification with an animal,” according to the site.

And in case you’re wondering, police believe these alleged acts took place on at least two different farms.

The pair are facing nearly 500 years in prison — 400 for Christian, 90 for Dannie if convicted.

Who knows — they might even be shunned.

No, sorry, I got nothing funny on that one.

But thanks be to God for Florida. I gots lots funny there. First off, a story about beating your meat that puts the phrase in a whole new light.

Elsie Egan faces domestic abuse charges after the meaty onslaught – which followed a row over which kind of bread they should eat.

She's all that and a bag of chips

Disabled boyfriend Peter Schabhuttl, 49, said he was hit ‘on top of his head with an uncooked steak, approximately 10-16oz’ for wanting a bread roll instead of sliced bread.

Egan, 53, of Dunnellon, Florida, denied wielding the steak but said she slapped him several times ‘so he can learn’.

Police noted redness on Mr Schabhuttl’s cheek and crown.

Yeah, she done be learnin’ him up good. She done learned him that he be better off whacking off to wrestling videos than being anywhere near her.

I mentioned sluts earlier and how they like to be showered with gifts. What I did not mention was white trash hookers who turn tricks for Happy Meals.

Of course it happened in Florida.

A woman was arrested in a prostitution sting — but not before she got two double cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at a McDonald’s.

Christine Faith Baker, 47, was walking on a Southwest Florida street last Friday when she was approached by a detective working in the Manatee County Sheriff Office’s special investigations division, according to a sheriff’s office report.

After the undercover detective invited Baker into his car and the talk turned to sex, she said her fee would be two double cheeseburgers from the dollar menu at McDonald’s, the report states.

The detective bought the burgers for $2.75 and then Baker told him that he could also tip her $40 for her services, according to the report. After Baker gave the detective directions to a vacant lot, Baker was arrested by other agents and charged with prostitution, the report states.

Baker was released from jail on Saturday, according to the sheriff’s office website.

$40 tip? For less than $3.00 worth of food? Does she think she works for the government?

Anyway, just as a point of journalistic accuracy, I called the McDonald’s in question and found out that the double cheeseburger is not on the dollar menu, as claimed above, so that was why it was $2.75 instead of $2.07 as it would have been otherwise.

I also found out she’s a regular customer.

But I can’t let you go through your day thinking everyone screws up sex. The story of Rachelle Chapman should give us all

Nearly two years after she was paralyzed in a freak accident at her bachelorette party, Rachelle Chapman looks forward to becoming a mother and continues to show that a woman can be beautiful and confident even in a wheelchair.

TODAY has followed the journey of the 26-year-old from Knightdale, N.C., and her husband, Chris, since her accident on May 23, 2010, through their wedding and honeymoon in July 2011. Since their last appearance on TODAY, Rachelle has learned to drive a specially modified van and has experienced standing and walking with the help of specialized machines at a rehabilitation facility called “Project Walk’’ in Carlsbad, Calif.

She aims to write a book about her experiences to inspire others in similar situations and jokingly told Hoda Kotb on Friday that the working title is “Hot, Sexy, and Rollin’ on 24s.’’

“It’s not just the story about my life, my injury and us; it’s also the story about (how) you can be sexy and you can be pretty in a wheelchair, and you can have confidence,’’ she said. “We’re just normal people, and no matter who you are and what situation you’re in, you can have confidence.’’

Showing that confidence, Chapman entered the Ms. Wheelchair Pageant in North Carolina last week, where she came up short of the first prize. She also plans on going to schools to read students a children’s book titled “New Opportunities’’ to help kids understand spinal cord injuries.

“To be able to start a family would be one of my bigger goals for Rachelle, not only because I know how important it is for her, but I believe she deserves that,’’ her physical therapist, Kimberly Davis, told NBC News. “I know that she and Chris would be wonderful parents.’’

Chapman has radiated confidence since the day she was playfully pushed into a swimming pool at a party in Virginia Beach, Va., by one of her bridesmaids and fractured the C6 vertebra in her neck when her head hit the bottom of the pool. The accident left her paralyzed from the collarbone down.

Her wedding was postponed for more than a year, but Chris stayed by her side and she was eventually pushed down the aisle by her father to become his wife on July 22, 2011.

After an all-expenses paid honeymoon to Fiji courtesy of 1-800 Registry, which also sponsored the wedding, Rachelle continues to inspire with each milestone she achieves. In January, she took her first trip to the spinal cord injury center at “Project Walk” thanks to the charitable group Walking With Anthony, which is devoted to helping people cast aside their wheelchairs.

There’s quite a bit more to this story and some fun video as well. So, if you have the chance, go and read the whole thing.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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