Family Values Florida Style

Yeah honey, this will be the perfect pic to send to your mom.
We live in a country that espouses family values. Many brandish them like clubs. And, while I might think that such usage would contradict the core idea, enough people do so these days that it seems normal. Which is what makes articles like this one so much fun. As regular readers of this blog know, Florida recently outlawed bestiality. It took them four tries and one try actually outlawed all sex between mammals until someone broke out a 4th grade biology book (from another state) and realized what mammals were. And still are. They’re those hairy things that excrete milk for their young, in case you weren’t sure. Their like include dolphins, kangaroos, dogs and humans. And, while I still oppose kangaroo / human sex, I’m a big fan of human / human sex. In fact, if the producers weren’t such prudes, I could go for a little of that right now. Well, true, I’d need a partner, no fun living with nothing but a left handed love affair, but I’m betting I could figure something out.

That’s why God created credit cards.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some loving families and how they encourage their members to better themselves. Like Curtis Pace and his underage nephew.

A Sarasota man was arrested after encouraging his underage nephew to commit an armed robbery with him, an arrest report shows.

On Feb. 1, Curtis Pace, 45, and his nephew robbed three people at gunpoint in the 4200 block of 53rd Avenue West in Bradenton.

The pair then drove off, but authorities tracked them down through the GPS on one of the stolen cell phones. They were arrested in Sarasota.

Pace later told authorities he and his nephew had been smoking rock cocaine. Pace is now at the Manatee County jail on several charges, including armed robbery, child abuse and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He is being held on bonds totaling $186,000.

Can’t you just feel the love and nurturing there?

Of course, there is no bond like the bond between a mother and her daughter. The entire O Network is built on that bit of treacle. So it’s heartening to see that, even in Florida, this holds true.

The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office has arrested a mother and daughter for stealing high end electronics and other items and in some cases pawning the goods for cash.

Detectives found 55-year-old Colleen Reiheld and her 20-year-old daughter Taylor, both of 155 Siesta Drive in Sarasota, committed several crimes since January of this year. On at least three occasions, the pair was seen entering the Target store located at 8401 South Tamiami Trail in Sarasota, concealing items in bags or purses, and leaving the store without paying. Stolen items include Go Pro HD cameras, a coffee maker, bottles of champagne, a cell phone charger and a tent.

Both women are charged with two counts of Grand Theft, and Colleen is facing additional charges of Dealing in Stolen Property and Providing False Ownership to a Pawn Broker for selling two Go Pro HD cameras and claiming to be the legal owner.

The Reihelds were booked into the Sarasota County Jail Thursday afternoon and later released on bond.

They pawned the goods for cash? What were they thinking? Don’t they know that you’re supposed to collect the stolen stuff and then keep it in an easy to find location? That’s what Zachary Thomas Jones did.

Divine intervention didn’t protect thousands of dollars that deputies say was stolen from a sacred stash spot Thursday.

A North Naples woman reported about $2,200 she kept inside a Bible in her car trunk was taken.

Zachary Thomas Jones, 18, of the 14000 block of Sterling Oaks Drive, North Naples, and the woman’s daughter, who is 16 years old, were arrested Friday by Collier deputies. They are accused of grabbing the woman’s car keys while she was in the shower and removing the cash from the Bible in the car. The woman told deputies she became suspicious when she saw Jones paying cash for nearly $300 in items from a corner store.

The majority of the money was found inside the teen girl’s bedroom closet, according to arrest reports.

Both teens face felony burglary and grant theft charges, as well as resisting a law enforcement officer without violence after deputies reported they tried to run from the scene.

Of course, not all thefts are self serving. Arnene Stanley, a loving mother of one, ripped off Wal-Mart for a ton of cash and prizes so she could care for her daughter.

On Thursday, March 29, detectives arrested Arnene Stanley, W/F, 37, for grand theft. On March 19, a loss prevention officer at the Wal-Mart on SW HWY 200 reported to detectives that Stanley, an assistant manager at the store, had stolen more than $6,000 from the store by creating false return transactions.

During the investigation, detectives collected receipts for returned jewelry items that had conflicting signatures. They also observed surveillance video that showed Stanley performing the transactions with no customers present. Detectives confirmed that Stanley used the identities of at least five victims to make numerous fraudulent transactions.

Stanley told detectives she stole the money to pay for her daughter’s medical bills. She worked for Wal-Mart for more than 20 years. Stanley was arrested and charged with Grand Theft (1 count) and Misuse of Personal Identification (9 counts). Her bond was set at $95,000.

And if she had $95,000 she wouldn’t have needed to steal to pay her daughter’s medical bills.

Just saying.

Of course no about Florida would be complete without boobs and poetry.

And burglars. Have to have burglars.

Roses are red, violets are blue, your poem is nice but we’re still arresting you.

Florida police say a drunk and disorderly 31-year-old woman allegedly tore off her shirt, and flashed her tattooed breasts, revealing a poem, during a burglary investigation.

Susan Stickle and her 44-year-old friend Eric Bachman were allegedly smashing glass and screaming inside a Vero Beach home last Sunday, so neighbors called police to report a possible burglary, according to arrest reports obtained by TCPalm.com.

When cops showed up, the pair was allegedly on the porch screaming expletives and appearing to “be intoxicated by drugs and alcohol.” An officer tried to talk to Bachman, but the suspect told him to go away.

That’s when things got scandalous.

When asked for her name, Stickle allegedly took off her shirt, revealing a completely exposed chest and a tattoo listed as “Poem of a dead tree,” the news website reported.

It’s yet unclear whether Stickle’s tattoo was her own composition or a reference to the Chinese poem by Yang Jian, which makes reference to an abrasive lifestyle:

“I no longer have any leaves, only thorns remain.”

Bachman refused to explain why the two were at the residence. Cops arrested both on charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Neighbors later told officers that the house belonged to Bachman, no burglary charges were filed.

That’s right kids, this fine example of the best the gene pool has to offer robbed his own home and trashed it. As to the poem, I’m going to go out on a limb and say this nice lady has never even heard of ancient China let alone read poetry from there.

Here’s a nice song from a Texan that he dedicated to his son. It’s got a nice Floridian blues vibe.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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