Month: April 2012

There’s just so much to get to today that I’m going to forgo my usual preamble and dive right in. Police in Florida remind crooks that, when fleeing the scene of a shooting, it’s best not to stop behind a tree and take a leak where everyone can see you. The unfortunately named Ryan Peck found that out the hard way. Also in Florida, Douglas Kutney, boy you don’t want to spell that sucker wrong, was arrested for molesting a cockatoo, dear God the jokes I can not tell, while…

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One of the reasons movies like Independence Day don’t make factual sense, no matter how much fun they are, is that there’s no reason for any group of sentient beings to go anywhere to get raw resources. Every solar system is already full of them. The same holds true here. In fact there’s so much stuff floating around that we could all be kazillionaires if, and this is the catch, we could just get into space and mine the asteroids. Governments can’t afford that kind of research, no matter the…

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Before I mount my usual wild eyed screed against whatever caught my minimal attention, I thought I’d mention something nice. A young lady named Corina Jane was diagnosed with cancer. “HEY MR. HAPPY THOUGHT …..” Relax. She’s fine. In fact she’s so fine that she’s been selected to represent the Chicago Rush at the Arena Bowl. That is some serious amount of fine.. And, ladies, you can knock it down a notch too. She’s hopelessly devoted to her boy toy. All she needs is for all of you to click…

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Those of you who stop by here regularly know that I have a lot of fun at the expense of stupid people. Usually, hilarious though they may be, they are only a danger to themselves and their immediate surroundings. Like the lady from Michigan who was so excited by being able to send a text message that she fell off a pier and into Lake Michigan. She was kept afloat by a savvy teen and her hubby until the Coast Guard arrived and, once they stopped laughing, rescued her. Or…

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A long time ago in a land far, far away …. well, 1980 and a suburb to be named later to be specific, I was driving a borrowed motorcycle with a young lady on the back. She thought it would be great fun for all involved if we had a little naughty moment while I drove. And she was right. Well, she was right up until I hit a small pothole which caused her to bite down which caused me to scream and lose control of the bike which caused…

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We all know there are things we probably shouldn’t do. I’m not just talking about some tawdry night in a bar that goes wrong and right at the same time. No, I’m talking about those decisions we make while allegedly sober. For example, some people, mostly teenagers, seem to think that putting an ice cube on a hand full of salt is big fun. And it is as long as you’re a fan of major burns. Other kids like to try the cinnamon challenge because nothing says “good times” like…

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There are some things that we take for granted. For example, back on November 18, 2010, I wrote that humanity was due to be absorbed by its impending robot overlords. Most people seemed to think that was a pretty good idea. Why? Well, just watch the news and you’ll figure it out. It’s no wonder that scientists have just tossed any thought for the future of mankind into the landfill and, instead, are concentrating on making singing mice. Let’s face it, when you turn on the news and see some…

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Well all know what too much means. You order the cheeseburger and are greeted with a one pound behemoth slathered in stuff with a plate of cheese fries on the side, covered in salsa – naturally, and a soft drink the size of Utah. Or you meet a nice lady in a bar and the two of you hit it off and the next thing you know you’re locked in a motel room with the Poynter triplets and someone’s busting out the body paint. Well, that’s kind of like my…

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Yeah, I just used the generated tags to come up with a title today. First off, Big Ups to all my homies in The Ex Senators for the triumphant release of their cooler than hell video, Start a Fight. The fact that I co-produced it only shows that they have good taste as well as talent. The video even got a great review on the U.K.’s hippest e-Zine, Louder than War. That’s not to say everyone in the U.K. is all things wonderful. The people at the Daily Mail called…

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A buddy of mine is going to die. To be blunt, by the time you read this he may already be dead. Anyway, I went to go see him yesterday. Before I got there I asked if there was anything he wanted and there was. So I stopped on the way and got a six pack of beer, a pizza (supreme, extra crispy) and some ice. They have plenty of buckets in the hospital. A nurse saw me and started to say something until I mentioned who I was visiting.…

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