Be Alert! The World Needs More Lerts!

Helpful advice at any price
Yesterday we took a look at some incredibly dense people who clutter up our world. And I heard from people who really, really, wanted everything I wrote to be satire. Sadly, it wasn’t. There really are United States citizens who can’t find the U.S. on a map. There are also people who think that Back to the Future is a documentary. These people are, to be polite, morons. What kills me about each and everyone of them is that, when presented with proof that they are 100% wrong, they’ll just shrug and say “we agree to disagree.” No, no we don’t. Facts are not opinions. They either are or are not. You do not get to say “Ohh, I like this fact but not that one.” That’s not how facts work. Facts are what we build opinions on. Without them everything you say is meaningless. Which, as it turns out, applies to one out of five grown adults.

So let’s take a peek at some people who can declare, with 100% unshakable conviction, that they saw President Barack Obama rob a McDonald’s.

Or it might have been former President Ronald Reagan.

Was he Ronald Reagan or Barack Obama? Seems the people who witnessed a masked man robbing a Burger King restaurant in Lake Park, Fla., weren’t so sure.

Employees initially reported that a man wearing all-black clothing with red gloves and sporting a Ronald Reagan mask held up a Burger King at gunpoint on Tuesday morning, Palm Beach County sheriff’s office spokeswoman Teri Barbera told The Palm Beach Post News.

The robber, who had a woman accomplice also wearing a mask (president not specified), demanded money from the cashier and made off with about $400, according to the Miami New Times.

Detectives who reviewed the restaurant’s surveillance video determined the gunman was actually wearing a mask resembling Obama, the Palm Beach Post reported.

There was no explanation for the presidential discrepancy.

It’s not the first time a masked Obama bandit has struck a fast-food restaurant.

On Jan. 28, a man robbed a McDonald’s in Riviera Beach, also in Palm Beach County, while dressed in black wearing an Obama mask, according to the Palm Beach Post. This time, he had white gloves.

Sheriff’s officials didn’t immediately return a call to msnbc.com about whether they think the same person is responsible for both holdups.

All them there prezzidense look alike to me.

Oy freaking vey.

And, obviously, that can only happen in Florida. Just like getting bit in the butt by a bear while taking out the trash.

Also in Florida a woman seemed hell bent on setting the record for being the stupidest criminal in history by trying to smuggle tainted urine IN to a drug test.

A vagina, while typically thought of as an organ used for reproduction or sexual activity, has many uses, as is evident by the studious criminals often profiled on The Huffington Post. We have covered everything from the hiding of knives and marijuana pipes, to an innovative 27-year-old woman who allegedly stashed more than 100 items — including 54 bags of heroin and loose change — in her vagina.

So while the act itself comes of little surprise, the items female criminals will hide in their lady bits still tends to raise an eyebrow or two at the HuffPost Crime desk. Case in point: Mischelle Lindy Salzgeber, a 20-year-old woman from Dade City, Fla.

According to police in New Port Richey, Salzgeber, who is on probation for dealing in stolen property, attempted to thwart a drug test using someone else’s urine.

Salzgeber’s alleged crime may not be unique, but her technique is certainly interesting.

Authorities suspected something was amiss when they conducted a body scan of Salzgeber. The X-ray scan revealed Salzgeber had what appeared to be a pill bottle hidden deep inside her vagina.

Questioned by police, Salzgeber allegedly said the item was actually a small vodka bottle. The young woman said the bottle, which was empty, had contained another person’s urine and that she had tried to use it to pass a drug test at the probation office, police said.

Unbeknownst to Salzgeber, the urine that she allegedly used in place of her own was found to be dirty. The failed drug test led to Salzgeber’s arrest.

Salzgeber was arrested on a felony probation violation. She is being held without bond at the Land O’ Lakes Detention Center.

Of course, as you may already know, anything a Floridian can do a Nigerian can do better. Or, if not better, at least with a cooler accent.

Want to get noticed for a rock-solid stomach? Try ingesting almost five pounds of heroin pellets.

During a patdown, customs agents spotted a Nigerian woman at a D.C.-area airport on March 14 who had what was described as an “abnormally rigid” stomach, by U.S. Custom and Border Protection officials.

Security personel working at Washington Dulles International Airport became more suspicious of 52-year-old Bola Adebisi when she gave vague answers about her destination, according to authorities

That led to a brief, forced stay in a nearby hospital where an X-ray allegedly revealed that 180 drug-filled pellets gave her the firm tummy.

Adebisi was hospitalized until she passed all the drugs, which weighed in at 4 pounds, 12 ounces — touted as the largest bellyful of drugs found in the D.C.-area.

Customs officials put the street value of the drugs at $180,000.

This seizure crushes the previous record, set by in 2011 when Yomade Aborishade, 46, of Lagos, Nigeria expelled 100 pellets with a combined weight slightly over four pounds.

“The amount of pellets and heroin this woman ingested is incredible, a serious health risk, and very troubling if these numbers become the new normal,” CBP Port Director for the Port of Washington, D.C. Christopher Hess said in a press release. “We’re hopeful that this arrest sends a strong signal that CBP officers are proving to be successful at detecting internal concealment methods, and that we remain committed to working with our law enforcement partners and intercepting this deadly poison before it can reach our communities.”

Adebisi faces criminal charges.

“touted as the largest bellyful of drugs found in the D.C.-area” …. I did not know there was a competition between various “areas” for finding the moist prolific drug mules. What could they possibly win?

No, I really don’t want to know, but thanks anyway.

Let’s wrap this day up with proof that there’s hope for humanity. First, let’s take a look at a nice young lady who got good grades and was, therefore, promptly expelled from school.

A school that barred a sixth grader after she dyed her hair pink with her parents’ blessing to celebrate her good grades lifted its ban on Tuesday following an outcry from civil rights advocates.

After missing three days of classes, pink-haired Brianna Moore headed back to Shue-Medill Middle School in Newark, Delaware, on Tuesday after administrators reversed their decision after a call from the Delaware branch of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

“We’re on our way right now,” said Kevin Moore as he drove his 12-year-old daughter to school.

At his daughter’s request last week, he helped dye her hair a shade called crimson storm, which has a pink hue, as a reward for improving her grades.

But when she showed up for school the next day, she was sent home and told not to return until her hair met school policy mandating a “natural color, brown, blond, black, natural red/auburn.”

The ACLU soon got in touch with attorneys for the school district and asked, “Don’t you think this is unconstitutional?” said Kathleen MacRae, ACLU executive director in Delaware.

Moore was invited back to school with assurances she would not be punished, said Wendy Lapham, school district spokeswoman.

“The hair is not going to be an issue,” Lapham said.

Next schools will regulate skin tone.

“I’m sorry Ms. Whiffenpooof, you’re too tan to learn today.”

Of course schools exist not only to teach our young but to crush their dreams and rip their souls out of their chests.

First the story of the happy youth who was trying to better himself and the world around him.

This prom season, Minnesota student Mike Stone is on a mission to bring a special lady to his high school dance: a porn star.

The situation might call to mind scenes from the 2004 movie “The Girl Next Door,” in which three teens take porn stars to prom as part of a plan to film a modern sex-ed video. But it seems this Minnesota student just wants to stand out on his special day.

In an interview with the Daily Dot, Stone said many of the girls he asked to prom were already going with someone else. So, he took a different route and hopped on Twitter to contact some adult film stars.

After nearly 600 Tweets, at least two porn stars have offered to take Stone up on his offer.

Megan Piper, who never made it to her senior prom, said she’d be willing to attend the dance as long as Stone took care of the travel costs from Los Angeles.

“If you can get me there, then yes :),” she tweeted.

And adult film star Emy Reyes was honored by Stone’s proposal and responded by saying, “Awww that’s reappear [sic] hun and i would love tooo.”

Now, the teen’s next mission is to raise about $400 to buy his possible date — who, as of late Tuesday afternoon, appears to be Megan Piper — a plane ticket to Minnesota for the big night on May 12.

Piper said she’s excited about the possibility of attending the dance with Stone.

“I thought it was really cute, and I thought it would make his night by saying ‘yes’,” she told The Huffington Post.

The 19-year-old moved from Georgia to Kansas during her senior year of high school and couldn’t attend her own prom. She even had a navy dress with a corset top picked out for the occasion.

“It was so cute,” she recalled. However, if she does fly to Minnesota, Piper says she’s using the opportunity to shop for a new gown.

When asked about the possibility of Emy Reyes attending the dance, Piper said she was open to sharing the spotlight with her friend.

“If she decided she wanted to go, too, that would be really cool,” Piper said.

As of a couple of hours ago, Stone, who says he’s 18, did not have a PayPal account set up to receive donations, but that might soon change with the amount of exposure he’s been getting.

However, the teen’s special date might very well be a surprise to his parents and principal, who reportedly have no clue what Stone has been planning, the Daily Dot reports.

As for Piper, the adult film star isn’t keeping her boyfriend in the dark about her potential date.

“He knows I love him so he doesn’t mind,” she said.

Regardless of how Stone’s plan pans out, he now joins the ranks of several teens who have taken extraordinary measures to secure a date to prom.

Much like Stone, 18-year-old Kevin McGuire used social media to secure a date with Taylor Swift. And although the songstress won’t be able to attend McGuire’s prom, she invited him to the Academy of Country Music Awards as her date.

Brady McHale, on the other hand, took advantage of his position as volunteer firefighter and executed his prom proposal atop a ladder truck positioned outside of his high school’s windows.

Ashley Shay decided to take a more public route, pitching her prom proposal on a local billboard.

**Sniff** Makes me proud to be a man. The youth does his “Y” chromosome proud. Naturally his dream was crushed some estrogen fearing flunky.

A Minnesota high school has reportedly barred one of its students from taking a porn star to prom.

Mike Stone, 18, said he scored his dream date after firing off tweets to celebrities and porn stars including former Charlie Sheen gal pal Bree Olsen.

Another porn star, Megan Piper, said she’d attend the May 12 event at Tartan High School in Oakdale on condition that Stone pay for her plane ticket from California, the Minnesota Star-Tribune reported.

But the plans were scuttled after a local community website got wind of the plans and Stone was hauled into the principal’s office, according to the Daily Dot Internet newspaper.

“He was saying that it’s not a good thing to do that,” Stone told the Daily Dot. “I said, ‘I was just doing it to see what actually happened.’”

In a statement to the Star-Tribune justifying the ban, the superintendent of Stone’s school district cited a policy that restricts those whose “visit is not in the best interest of students, employees or the school district.”

Stone told the Daily Dot he wasn’t punished by school officials, though his mother was furious with him after receiving a call from his principal.

Yeah, I can see a mom having an eensy weensy bit of an issue with the whole “My baby’s boinking a porn star” thing. Because, let’s face it, that’s where this whole thing was headed.

Bless his soul.

One thing’s for sure, neither he nor the pink haired lass above will ever fall prey to the whole “world is flat” brigade.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

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