One in Five

Mitt Romney, in an attempt to prove that the vampire minority was gaming the health care system with their demands for sunscreen, had himself bitten and transformed before a NYC rally. When he took the stage during the day to highlight how harmless UV radiation was to vampires he promptly exploded into millions of tiny, bloody, pieces. Several hours later Roger “Scooter” McDaniels – the only openly gay member of Romney’s campaign – burst into song, began dancing the Funky Chicken and screaming financial updates in Babylonian. He also, loudly, claimed that Mrs. Romney’s vagina was nicknamed “Love Puppet,” a fact she demurely confirmed as it became apparent to all that Scooter had been possessed by Mitt. Oddly enough, while Romney may have been unelectable while alive – due to his many conflicting views, slavish dedication to a financial philosophy that nearly bankrupted the nation three times and inability to truly understand that Americans need food to survive – the dead vampire / snappily dressed gay guy version of Romney has captured the country’s imagination. Polls show him now leading President Obama 53% to 42% with 5% of the country believing that The Hunger Games is a documentary.

The above is funny because it’s satire. The below is scary as hell because it’s not.

One in five Americans can’t find the US on a map. It’s that big blob just above Mexico if you’re still not sure. If that doesn’t help, ask a Mexican.

The same amount believe witches are real. The nice thing about these people is that you can tell them anything, no matter how outrageous, and they will believe you. They are really that stupid.

“No, it’s true, the only way to prevent your son from catching the measles is for your 19 year old daughter to have wanton sex with me for a month.”

“Whew, I’m so glad you got here in time!”

Not surprisingly the same number believe that the sun revolves around the Earth. These people are so bone crushingly dense that it defies logic. On the other hand you can bang their daughters too without fear of recrimination.

One if five Scots think the Loch Ness Monster is real. This in spite of a century’s worth of nothing to even remotely support that belief.

One in five humans think aliens are living among us. Because, as any scientist can tell you, all sentient life will have two arms, two legs and so on. Hell, some of them will even vote Republican. You’ll never be able to know.

“Mary, why does Bob keep a tank of methane in the bedroom?”

“It’s from his doctor, It helps him sleep at night.”

“Hmmm, maybe I should try that. My apnea is horrible.”

One in five Swedes believe in ghosts. Well, look at the bright side, one quick trip across the pond and you can be banging Swedish bikini team wannabes.

One in five Brits think light sabers are real. This story I have to share.

Light sabers from “Star Wars,” time travel and hover boards from “Back to the Future.” Many people in the U.K. believe all these things from science fiction and fantasy are, in fact, reality.

The results of a survey that opened National Science and Engineering Week in Britain last week reveal a fine line between science and fiction in the public’s eye.

Here’s what the survey reveals, according to Birmingham Science City, which created it. Note that in all cases, the respondents incorrectly believe the following:

• More than a fifth of adults believe light sabers exist.
• Almost 25 percent of people believe humans can be teleported.
• Nearly 50 percent of adults believe that memory-erasing technology exists.
• More than 40 percent believe that hover boards exist.
• Almost one-fifth of adults believe they can see gravity.

“We commissioned the survey to see how blurred the lines between science fact and fiction have become,” said Pam Waddell, director of Birmingham Science City.

“While films and TV can be acknowledged as creating confusion, it is also worth highlighting how advanced science has now become, and many things deemed only possible in fiction have now become reality or are nearing creation due to the advancements of science,” she added.

Some amazing feats of science have already started to bring us closer to science fiction than ever before.

While 78 percent of Britons believe that an invisibility cloak, such as the one seen in the Harry Potter movies, is merely fiction, University of Birmingham researchers are inching closer to making objects disappear.

And most people — seven out of 10 adults — think it’s impossible to move objects with the mind. But researchers at Coventry University’s Serious Games Institute collaborated with NeuroSky in California to develop a headset to read brainwaves and turn them into digital signals. Users of these “brainwave readers” will be able manipulate images on a screen through the power of their minds.

When the British survey asked what inventions people most wanted to see become reality, men voted for time machines and teleportation, while women hoped for something more practical: a universal cure for all diseases.

If you’d like to test your knowledge of science fiction and fact, take this very short Birmingham Science City quiz, and then compare your answers to how 3,000 others did.

National Science and Engineering Week runs through March 20 in the U.K.

“Jeez Bob, knock off the doughnuts, I can see your gravity from here.”

Of course, these are the same people who believe that Sherlock Holmes was a real person and God controls the stock market.

Or, as noted on The Hub Pages, one in five people is a moron.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.