Floridumb

Well, now that we got the furniture all arranged and have the shiny new stripper pole, complete with a shiny new stripper, firmly installed it’s time to get back to work. You may have noted the Girl of The Day feature. It’s new. I have, over the years I’ve been doing this, gotten earnest requests from young lasses to publish a Nude Nude Hippo calendar. Sadly that will never happen. A World Nudes Center might be workable though if there’s enough interest. I also get asked where are all these pretty women I talk about when I mention our smoking hot readers. I can handle the latter one. Friends, fans and people on Facebook who have sent us pics will be duly honored in the space to the left. Due to the fact that I don’t like being sued there will be no new nudes for you. Still, now that I’ve stopped walking into the new lamp near my desk, and – yes – it’s a cool lamp, I can concentrate on getting you the news you need.

We’ll start with a bank robber.

I’m kidding. I mean we’ll start with a bank robber from Florida who used the stolen money to play the lottery.

Ronald Paul Silva must have been feeling lucky and banked on getting a winning lottery ticket.

Cops say Silva, 60, robbed an Orange City (bank) then took stolen loot — all $130 — to a Kangaroo store down the street where he blew his wad on losing lottery tickets, reports The Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Silva did, however, get a ticket to jail.

The bank only had $130 in it? Kids, feel free to panic about the economy now. At least in Florida.

Of course, only in Florida could a knife fight break out over a dispute involving Taco Bell & harmonicas.

Bruce Richard Hood gave someone a lift home from a bar. But on the way to the passenger’s home, they stopped at Taco Bell and the passenger got a bag of tacos, reports the Sarasota Herald-Tribune

When the passenger got out of Hood’s car, he said he may have accidentally grabbed a bag containing harmonicas — instead of the bag of tacos.

Now Hood will have to face the music after getting a bit out-of-tune and allegedly stabbing the other man in the wrist and chest for “stealing” his harmonicas.

There are other differences between Florida and humanity as well. For example, all over the world people steal stuff. Only in Florida do they steal your stuff and then move into your trailer.

The owner of the Marathon trailer had been staying at her other residence in Naples for a couple of months. But when she returned to her trailer, it became apparent to her that somebody had moved in while she was away, according to a news release from the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office.

There was evidence of a Goldilocks burglar.

These are bandits that break-in to your place and make themselves right at home: The owner found CDs and DVDs that weren’t hers, bottles of liquor in the freezer that weren’t hers, used condoms in the trash and numerous other items belonging to someone else. She said when she got her water and electric bills, they were much higher than normal, according to the report.

A few days later, the trailer’s owner caught a break — a man had come to her door yelling for someone named “Kenny”.

The pawprints from inside the trailer belonged to Kenneth Lucious White, a dude with a history of burglary, the report stated.

White, 20, was arrested and charged with burglary and grand theft.

More proof that Floridians don’t think like us can be found in this lovely story about a woman who needed some light and burned down one of the world’s oldest trees.

Another casualty of drugs in Florida: A majestic tree.

Authorities have arrested Sara Barnes for setting the fire that burned The Senator, one of the world’s oldest cypress trees, which stood at Big Tree Park near Longwood, reports the Orlando Sentinel.

The 26-year-old Winter Park woman allegedly told authorities she did it because she was taking drugs and wanted light to see what she was doing, investigators said.

Barnes reportedly took photos of the flames of the 3500-year-old tree with her cellphone, according to the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services.

Now, guys, some dating tips from Florida. If you want to get a woman to have sex with you you have to threaten to show them naked pictures of themselves.

I bet you never thought of that.

A Golden Gate man is accused of attacking a woman and telling her he would show her husband naked pictures of her if she didn’t have sex with him.

David Carrillo-Rodriguez, 33, of the 1700 block of 40th Terrace Southwest, was arrested Tuesday by Collier deputies at home.

The victim told deputies that while she was walking home she was approached by Carrillo-Rodriguez, who she stated she had a sexual relationship with in the past and ended it because she was married.

Carrillo-Rodriguez told her he wanted to talk but she refused, according to reports.

However, Carrillo-Rodriguez didn’t take no for an answer.

He then grabbed the woman and pulled her behind a house where he told her that he wanted to have sex with her and if she didn’t he would show her husband naked photos he had of her, deputies said.

The victim said she still refused and was able to kick him and get away.

Carrillo-Rodriguez faces a charge of domestic battery.

See? That’s where he screwed up. Threatening to show the husband is just bragging at that point.

How bad are things in Florida? The Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office has dedicated a web page to stupid criminals. Wait, did I say “web page?” I meant an entire Facebook site.

Just FYI, when you call a number you know to buy drugs and get talked to by a person you don’t know, odds are you are talking to a cop. Cops are laughing now because they know the people I’m directing this to are too stupid to read so I’m doing no harm.

Thankfully, they’re right.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!