Month: March 2012

Please enjoy our History of Easter a week early. There once was this guy named Jesus. He spent an inordinate amount to time trying to get people to be nice and respect each other. A good example would be found in this bon mot; “If anyone says, I love God, but hates the brothers or sisters, he is a liar … Whoever loves God must also love the brothers and sisters.” (I John 3:20, 21). He also tossed off these nuggets in Matthew 5:0, “Blessed are the merciful, for they…

Read More

I love people. They do the funniest stuff and then are happy when I write about it. Seriously, my job often consists of waking up, having my coffee and then laughing my butt off. When I calm down I share with you. And only you. I don’t like that creepy dude back to the left. Just you. And, I know that you (and only you) really like when I talk about Florida – the state that makes your weird uncle Elroy look employable – and I can understand that. You…

Read More

Yesterday we took a look at some incredibly dense people who clutter up our world. And I heard from people who really, really, wanted everything I wrote to be satire. Sadly, it wasn’t. There really are United States citizens who can’t find the U.S. on a map. There are also people who think that Back to the Future is a documentary. These people are, to be polite, morons. What kills me about each and everyone of them is that, when presented with proof that they are 100% wrong, they’ll just…

Read More

Mitt Romney, in an attempt to prove that the vampire minority was gaming the health care system with their demands for sunscreen, had himself bitten and transformed before a NYC rally. When he took the stage during the day to highlight how harmless UV radiation was to vampires he promptly exploded into millions of tiny, bloody, pieces. Several hours later Roger “Scooter” McDaniels – the only openly gay member of Romney’s campaign – burst into song, began dancing the Funky Chicken and screaming financial updates in Babylonian. He also, loudly,…

Read More

We, as a planet, are living the ancient Chinese curse regarding “interesting times.” People who were once relegated to the end of the bar where they could sport their tinfoil hats and demand that “someone do something about them things that done need stuff done to them” all while pouring salt in their beer are now being elected to office. Often while wearing their tinfoil hat and carrying their salted beer. We also live in a world where cultures, despite the kicking and screaming of the raging xenophobes, are blending.…

Read More

First off, all of us here at the World News Center wish to pass our condolences along to the family of Yoda, the world’s ugliest dog, who passed away earlier this week. Fifteen years is a long time for a mutant chihuahua to live and Yoda seems to have done better than most. Even if its owners originally thought it was a rat. On the other end of the mortality scale we have the sad story of Germany’s Til Bunny, an ear-less rabbit who was crushed to death by a…

Read More

First some facts you need to know. I am very good friends with Blago’s second cousin. In the tight knit Serbian community that is a very close family tie. Yesterday I was also pretty sick. These two facts collided and I was dragged to watch Blago issue his farewell address. I didn’t want to go but it was a rare chance to see history being made, so I bundled up and went. We got there about five minutes before his eminence emerged and caught the whole thing. As sick as…

Read More

First off, for all of our male readers, Happy Man Day! You’ve earned it so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Anyway, today we are going to take a look at the sensitive world around us. For example, we would never sell John Wilkes-Booth bobblehead bdolls at a Lincoln museum. Oh wait. Well, never mind, they’ve been removed. In other sensitive news, a cop filed charges against his girlfriend for beating him with a Justin Bieber doll. No steak for him. Speaking of cops, as you all know it is…

Read More

Florida is an interesting place. I have noted, on numerous occasions, that it is where the gene pool has gone to die. While crimes and idiocy happen everywhere they just seems to be more conspicuous in Florida. That being said, even a blind squirrel can find a nut once in a while so we must laud Florida when it has a good idea. Barbara Hijeck is reporting that Floridians are replacing flash mobs with cash mobs to support local businesses. Flash mobs? So yesterday. Meet the Cash Mob. The first…

Read More

Frank Burns, a character on the old TV show M*A*S*H, used to say “It’s nice to be nice to the nice.” Had he existed in real life you would have been pardoned had you beaten him to death with a hammer. In fact you would probably earn some award for helping cleanse the gene pool, without chlorine, of course. Obviously that’s due to the fact that Frank wasn’t really a nice guy. He used the guise of niceness to do not nice things. Such is not always the case. There…

Read More