See Bill Not

Funny little terrorists.

See Bill not write. Not write Bill not write. See Bill not write about politics. Why Bill not write about politics? Because people who like to read about politics are clinically insane. Even the people who say nice things say them in such a way that makes Bill want to hide sharp objects and hide under his bed. See Bill write more about science. Bill may make mistakes in his research but since he vets everything before he puts it up here only the scientists know his errors. You, yes even you in the back, all benefit from the latest and most accurate information. The fact that Bill has occasionally made a NASA scientist laugh is just a bonus. Bill will also write about the joys of midget porn, Floridians, stupid criminals, robot overlords, odd Asian stuff and the rest. But Bill will not write about politics.

I should note that I am not talking about the adults who posted here. They used their real names and, agree or disagree, shared their opinions in a civil manner. Instead I am talking about the very scary people who think the Internet is a license to kill. I’m talking about people who make the Lost Bunny of the Apocalypse look sane.

One lady, who seemed to agree with me concerning the electability of the current crop of Republicans, blithely noted that all Republicans should be sterilized. Her email had all the passion of a “to do” list; pick up apples, make brownies for kids, sterilize Republicans, meet Ann for tea ….. I went back and re-read what I’d posted to see if I’d suffered a breakdown and forgot the part where I’d advocated genocide.

I hadn’t.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the criminally insane, but fun, people on our planet.

Like the next president of the United States, Phil Hill.

UFO Phil, a self-appointed intergalactic frontrunner for president, announced today he has been granted authority to assume the job without waiting for the November election.

“I’m going to become your new president. … Don’t worry, [Barak] Obama, Mitt Romney and whoever else can still have their little election. That’s not going to affect me,” said UFO Phil, whose real name is Phil Hill.

A published composer, comedy songwriter, documentary filmmaker and self-proclaimed “man of science,” Hill has even appeared on the small screen alongside actor and comedian Tom Green. His single “Listening to Coast to Coast” serves as a theme song for “Coast to Coast AM” on the Premiere Radio Network.

In interviews with Peter King of CBS, The Huffington Post and other media outlets, Hill revealed he is in possession of secret scrolls that are written by beings from another planet. Those documents, Hill claims, give him the authority to assume presidential leadership without a democratic election.

Once he assumed presidency, Hill said he would establish a “Senate for Terrestrial Alien Relations,” to welcome the arrival of “brothers from space.” Hill also said he will decommission all military ships at sea, in favor of a new fleet of flying discs with spaceports in major cities around the globe.

In addition, Phil wants to build a giant stone pyramid behind the Hollywood sign. The pyramid would be similar to the ones he wants to build on top of Pikes Peak in Colorado and on Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay.

The pyramids, however, won’t be the only change coming, Hill said.

“The Statue of Liberty has to come down,” Hill told HuffPost. In its place, Hill said he will erect a much taller “Monument of Zaxon.” Zaxon, according to Hill, is the leader of the good aliens. “He has very nice skin and will look phenomenal as a statue,” Hill said.

If UFO Phil’s campaign promises sound a bit over-ambitious, it’s because he plans to become president of earth, not just the United States.

Hill also plans to hold a live concert for extraterrestrials on June 10, 2012, to correspond with the arrival of aliens on Earth, an event foretold centuries ago by the Mayans, he said. The show will take place in California at the site of the legendary 1967 Monterrey Pop Festival.

“When I’m president we’ll finally have full disclosure,” Hill promised. “I’m going to release all the top secret government UFO files to the public on DVD and Blu-ray, with special features.”

I feel better already. But to really cleanse my palette I needed something just a little more delusional.

THANK GOD FOR FLORIDA!

Mark Roeschler, an admitted half orangutan / half Elvis, was recently arrested in Naples.

If the police officers who arrested Mark Loescher for assault didn’t think he was slightly bananas at first, it’s possible they changed their minds when he allegedly told them he was half orangutan.

Florida police also say Loescher told them he was also Elvis Presley’s brother, a friend of President Bush, and director of the CIA.

Deputies confronted Loescher in Naples, Fla., last week after after a woman said he had threatened her with a gun, Newser.com reported.

When the deputies got to the bank shortly before 5 p.m., they found Loescher still sitting in the driver’s seat while another woman, not the one who called the police, sat in the front passenger seat, according to the Naples Daily News.

The paper also reports that Loescher allegedly told police that he needed to call the “Fusion Center” about his monkey blood.

Just so you know, there really is a Fusion Center but it has nothing to do with monkey blood.

This next one is so obvious I’m not even going to bother sharing the whole story. The TSA has committed more terrorist acts on American soil than actual terrorists.

The list includes theft, race based hate crimes, drug sales, money laundering and so on. Who would have thought that giving barely literate people no training, minimal pay and loaded guns would cause problems?

Oh wait, I kind of mentioned that a whole bunch of times. Well, no one listens to me.

Moving on we come to what made America great (excluding the TSA). Obviously I am talking about the Buffalo Bars Boobs for Beads promotion.

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

A group of Buffalo bars is offering free breast augmentation surgery to whomever collects the most beads during Mardi Gras celebrations this year.

The winner of the “Boobs For Beads” promotion– technically open to men and women, although ladies get in free– will receive the free boob job from Dr. Lakshmanan Rajendran, and can opt instead for a tummy tuck, nose job or any other cosmetic surgery similarly priced to the breasts procedure.

“I wanted an attention grabber,” Sean Coughlin, manager of Bayou nightclub, and organizer of the event, told The Buffalo News Monday, adding, “As bad as the promotion sounds, I don’t want it executed in a tacky way.” (How could a free boob job contest possibly be executed in a tacky way?).

The contest has drawn criticism from those who say the schtick reinforces poor body image in women.

Sharon Mitchell, director of counseling services for the University at Buffalo, told The News,”I think the overall message is here’s a shortcut to fixing something that’s wrong with you — which may or may not be wrong.””

Although some women on the event’s Facebook wall have commented, “Oh it’s onnnnn!!!!” and “Bigger is better,” at least one woman wrote she’d rather give the money to charity than win a free boob job.

Anything that ends up with me seeing naked breasts is a good thing. I may have to visit Buffalo more often. Besides being the new home for my buddy Ed, they are the birthplace of Buffalo wings and now this. And they have beer.

Lots of beer.

In the meantime, here’s some “behind the scenes” footage of the World News Center staff gathering nude news for you.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

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