Frothy Anal Secretions

If you’re like me, and that may be illegal in the state where you reside, you woke up this morning with a cat firmly planted between your butt cheeks. If you’re not then you didn’t. Feel free to use this as a handy guide if you’re ever unsure in the future. As most of you know I avoid writing about politics. To be honest, compared to the midget porn, the impending robot overlords, the perverts and the Floridians who normally festoon these pages politicians appear unseemly. We do try and maintain some standards around here. But a couple of things have happened over the last few days that made me change my mind and throw caution to the wind.

First, as regular listeners of the podcast know, we have been getting a growing audience in Asia. Specifically India. They appear to be using the World News Center as a tool to learn more about America. I have no idea how that started and am not sure it matters. They’re here, they’re polite and they have questions. Very intelligent and probing questions. The second thing has to do with a gentleman I know. He is white, Catholic, relatively wealthy, has a wife and a couple of kids and has been a Republican all the time I’ve known him. Yesterday he asked me a question that, to him, sounded perfectly rational; “Do you think anyone’s gonna vote for the nigger in chief?”

Ladies and gentleman, meet the target market for the current crop of Republican candidates.

A buddy of mine works for Super PAC that is pro-Obama. He figures the Democrats could run out Billy Carter in November and win 54% of the vote. That’s how little he, and those who work with him, respect the Republican Party this year. So let’s look at the chances of the four remaining candidates who did not get back into the clown car and drive off into the sunset. We’ll do it in alphabetical order.

Gingrich, Newt. A serial adulterer, thrice married, member of numerous conservative Christian religions over the years (currently Catholic) and the only presidential candidate in history to have been expelled from, and by, his own party for ethics violations. Oh, and as an added bonus, he’s named after a reptile. He offers no plan for America other than he wants to be its president. The problem Newt has is that he really doesn’t want to be a leader; he wants (needs?) to be a ruler. The smart thing for Newt to do would be to learn Korean and move to Pyongyang. If he doesn’t require nuclear weapons in his realm then that opens up some major parts of Africa and the Caribbean as well. Many of whom already use English as their primary language. Fortunately for America even the crazies shy away from Newt so there is no chance of him becoming the Republican nominee.

Paul, Ron. I’ll give Paul this, he plays his gullible minions like a finely tuned violin. Every time he runs for president they line up to give him money. Goo gobs of it. Then they go online and talk about how much money they’ve given him. Then they put together committees to buy his ads out of their money and then they volunteer to be his staff. At no point does Paul use any of the money he’s been given to do anything other than enrich Ron Paul. Further, two of Ron Paul’s political positions put him in the far corner of Camp Crazy. First he wants to get rid of the EPA. He, like Ayn Rand before him, firmly believes that all companies, if left to their own devices, will do their best for their employees and the citizens of the world. Without wasting several hours on the history of evil corporations and previous economic collapses, I’ll simply point to Monsanto and Enron. If Paul was allowed anywhere near anything more important than a slot machine we’d all be indentured servants with three eyes and a hump. Secondly, he’s a noted fan of Charles “Hey, that Hitler guy ain’t so bad and who needs Jews anyway?” Lindbergh and a strong proponent of removing America from the world’s presence. Which would be completely impossible to do, since the world is round and we sometimes need to buy stuff that isn’t made here, but that’s what he wants. Many people point to the fact that Paul is supported by “Storm Front,” an offshoot of Aryan Nation. Trust me when I say that 30 Nazis in Utah are the least of his problems. Ron Paul has less of a chance of becoming president than I do of becoming a prima-ballerina.

Romney, Mitt. First, let me say something nice about Romney. When he was elected governor of Massachusetts he took all his money and had it ensconced in a blind trust. That way, no matter what, no investment could be tied to him or influence his role as governor. The fact that this also allowed his money to get used for some very creative tax dodges and kept in offshore accounts was just a bonus. After all it was a blind trust, so that means he had no idea what his money was doing. Judging by some recent public statements, that is still true. When he was governor he enacted a health care program that inspired the nation and came down on the side of the angels when it came to LGBT rights. His problem is that he’s claiming to be a Republican and none of those things make Republicans happy. In fact they make some Republicans downright violent. His other problem is that he’s held more political positions than my pal Vicky Vette (NSFW) has held penises. And that’s impressive. I have seen her start her day with one in each orifice and one more in each hand. She loves her penises. Currently Romney is flatly contradicting himself on numerous issues. My personal favorite is his promise to repeal the very health care he inspired. If Romney wins the nomination look for the entire campaign against him to consist of recordings of him saying one thing and then denying he ever said anything like that. Simply put, he’s unelectable.

Santorum, Rick. Yes, thanks to Dan Savage we will forever associate the name Santorum with frothy anal leakage but that’s just one bonus of talking about Rick. You see, of all the candidates, he is, by far, the most honest. What you see is what you get. He is a member of a Catholic sect that compares favorably with Opus Dei and the Dominicans. The former were wonderfully lampooned in The Da Vinci Code and the latter are responsible for the worst case of religious sponsored genocide in history. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, look up the Spanish Inquisition and the history of Gnostics in France and Spain. Sure, the Dominicans gave us the singing nun, but she sings about the Sword of Christ. I know that the bible confuses some people but I can help here; when Jesus was offered the chance to be the king of Israel, first by Simon Zealotes and later by the Pharisees who were trying to trick him into admitting treason, He uttered his famous “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s” line. No swords. No violent revolution. Nothing like that at all, just a statement that He was looking to a kingdom in heaven and not on Earth. Going forward, Santorum ignores the peaceful Jesus and does not believe that women are smart enough to know what to do with their uteruses so you can easily envision a future where women will need a note from their husbands to buy tampons. He also does not believe that homosexuals are humans, at least not in any meaningful sense of the word, so look for happy camps to be set up around the country to get those dangerous perverts off our streets. And those are just the obvious improvements he will make to America.

Oy Freaking Vey.

I have said in different arenas that the Republicans appear to have gone straight from 1899 to 2000 without noticing any of those annoying years in between. In any case, I’m not sure it matters who the Republicans choose as their nominee. There isn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell that any of these clowns can get near the White House except as tourists.

And even then they’d need a note. Unless they brought donuts.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!