Them’s Different Than Us

Oh baby, I'm a 9th level Dwarf Lord in WOW!
A buddy of mine went and got Cochlear implants. For the first time in his 42 years of life he can hear. He did this because, while he never considered deafness to be a handicap, his daughter is turning out to be a gifted singer. He did not want to go his whole life without hearing her perform if there was a way to avoid that. So, last weekend, while the rest of us were being useless lumps his daughter, who is wiser than her 9 years would belie, gave her father a private performance. Just the two of them. She did it so that he could cry if he wanted to. She didn’t want him to be embarrassed in public. I believe I mentioned how wise this child is. Anyway, she sang, he cried and they hugged. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one human being as happy as my friend. I bring this up just so you know that there is hope for the human race even though everyone else I’m going to write about today might make you think otherwise.

We recently wrote about the rich Floridian who married his girlfriend so he could legally have sex with his daughter. As it turns out his real progeny aren’t all that thrilled with this slime-ball and suing the bejeezus out of him and trying to get the adoption overturned.

The polo magnate who adopted his girlfriend in an alleged attempt to protect his fortune from a lawsuit must now battle with his teenaged children who want the adoption thrown out.

John Goodman adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in the fall, giving her a share of the more than $300 million trust he established for his two biological children — a move that critics said was a ploy to save millions for himself if he loses an upcoming wrongful death lawsuit stemming from a car accident that killed Scott Wilson in February 2010.

The guardian of Goodman’s children opened another legal front against the Polo Club Palm Beach founder by asking a judge to throw out the adoption of Heather Ann Hutchins, The Palm Beach Post reports.

The paperwork filed last week in Miami and Palm Beach County on behalf of guardian Jeffrey Goddess alleges that Goodman, 48, defrauded the court, surprised the teenagers’ mother and abused adoption rules by taking his main squeeze as his legal daughter, The Post says.

The attorney for Goddess claims that Goodman kept the Oct. adoption secret from his children’s guardian and his ex-wife until after Christmas. He also blames Goodman for not telling the judge overseeing the adoption proceedings that Wilson’s parents were suing him.

Goodman’s lawyer Dan Bachi had previously argued that adopting Hutchins was a way to ensure his children’s future and was completely unrelated to the upcoming showdown with the Wilson family, according to Fox News.

A judge in the wrongful death case previously ruled that the children’s trust couldn’t be touched if Goodman loses the suit. Now that Hutchins is legally his third daughter she’s entitled to a portion of that money — possibly worth $5 million per year. Because the trust was off-limits, its size was not known until Circuit Judge Glenn Kelley decided to reveal its worth this week, The Palm Beach Post said in a different report.

Goodman allegedly killed Wilson when he ran a red light and plowed his Bentley into the 23-year-old’s car, knocking it into a river and drowning the driver. The civil suit begins in March as does Goodman’s criminal trial on DUI manslaughter charges, TV station WPBF reports.

There’s a whole lot of wrong there. Big bags of it. Even more than the next story about the naked guy who tried to be a human Reese’s Pieces.

Sweet, sweet justice.

Police in Kentucky arrested a man last Thursday after they found him completely covered in chocolate and peanut butter lying down on a supermarket floor, The Smoking Gun reported.

According to a police report, 22-year-old Andrew Toothman smashed through the Food World IGA’s glass front door wearing only boots. He then emptied all of the market’s fire extinguishers and spelled out “Sorry” on the floor using NyQuil before heading to the confections.

“The subject had peanut butter and chocolate smeared all over his person,” the officer wrote. “[He] admitted to breaking into Food World IGA.”

CBS News quoted the officer as saying it was the “biggest mess I have seen.”

Toothman was booked into the Letcher County Jail on charges of indecent exposure, burglary, and criminal mischief. He was held on $25,000, though he is now released.

Because this is Kentucky you will note that not one person commented that his behavior was odd or that he might, just might, need to see a mental health professional. Nope, they just commented on the mess.

This being a far cry from what police in South Bend did when they arrested a guy for eating chicken and folding clothes.

When a South Bend, Ind. mother returned home Monday night with her son, she discovered Keith Davis, 46, had neatly folded her clothes, swept the floor and cooked dinner. The problem? Davis was a burglar.

“I seen my living room light on and the bedroom light on, so once we came up the stairs I figured my brother was home,” Ashley Murray told WNDU. “I turned the knob and it was locked, so I seen my screen open and I pushed my window open and it was some random guy in my kitchen.”

Murray told the station she walked away from the window with her son and called the police before yelling at Davis to leave her home.

“I’m like, ‘The police are on their way!’ And he told me, ‘The police already been here,’ closed my window, locked it back up and closed my door and sat in a chair in front of the window until the police came,” Murray said.

Murray told WNDU she noticed Davis had cooked some chicken and onions in a pan, folded her clothes and swept the floor. She told WSBT Davis even put a sheet and pillow on her couch.

“The police said it looked like he was a good chef. It looked like he had broth and everything in it,” she said.

Davis was arrested despite adamantly stating he was in his own home. He was charged with breaking and entering.

According to WNDU, the man told police he had woken up in the apartment, and a woman told him to get a set of keys from a closet. Murray said Davis had a set of her keys in his pocket when he was arrested and suspects Davis had been watching her and saw when she placed a set of keys in a storage unit for her brother to use when he arrived later that night from Indianapolis.

‘He really seemed to think this was his home’

When officers asked Davis where he lived he gave officers an address that didn’t exist. According to the affidavit, officers had a difficult time understanding his speech.

“Me and the police think he was on some type of drug. He really seemed to think this was his home,” Murray told WNDU.

Murray said her son later recognized Davis as a neighbor from across the complex. The son said he had seen Davis watching him and his friends when they played outside.

Davis didn’t steal anything beyond the food.

“He drunk up my orange juice, but it’s cool because he swept up my floor and folded my clothes,” Murray told WNDU.

Prosecutors requested a $5,000 bond because Murray was concerned Davis might return, but the judge lowered it to $1,000. The prosecutor is requesting Davis undergo a psychological evaluation.

Okay, this young lady needs to get her butt back to school and learn how to speak English. “Drunk up?” Seriously? You actually think that is a proper phrase?

Speaking of a proper phrase, a worker for the Oklahoma Insurance Department used one that could cost someone a job.

A state worker is facing disciplinary action after sending an official email to hundreds of people Thursday that contained an off-color term for breasts, the Oklahoma Insurance Department said.
The email was sent as the agency searched for people to honor at a tornado preparedness meeting.

The email with “offensive and unacceptable language” was traced to a staff member who was deeply apologetic, department spokesman Glenn Craven said. The agency did not identify the staffer.
“This email was not vetted through the normal process and neither the Insurance Commissioner nor any supervisory staff was aware of the distribution,” Craven said in a statement. “This email was traced to a staff member who has accepted full responsibility and is deeply apologetic.”

The email stated the Insurance Commissioner’s Award would go to “the girl with the biggest” breasts, using a slang term. The agency sent a second “corrected and authorized” email about 20 minutes later saying the award would be given next month to someone who made outstanding contributions to the insurance industry in tornado preparedness.

Gosh, I wonder what the “slang term” possibly could have been? Here’s one thing I don’t have to wonder about. I guarantee you that the person who sent the email is a woman. Had a guy said that “slang term” he’d be on the street so fast he’d get burn marks from the landing.

Of course the Internet is abuzz – I love when people say that, as though the Internet was a single organism or something – with the video of the dad who shot his daughter’s computer to end her obsession with Facebook. Since I think the whole thing is a set-up and not a real dad, I’ll say no more about it. But I know you don’t want to be the only kid on your block who hasn’t seen it, so I’ve posted the link.

Go. Have fun. I’ll wait.

tap tap tap

Welcome back.

Not all of the things on this planet involve stupid people. Most do, but not all. A family in Pennsylvania has been getting a lot of attention for harboring a rouge, purple, squirrel.

We may never know what made the purple squirrel of Jersey Shore purple, but experts don’t doubt that it really was a squirrel of a different color.

“It’s not typical, but it’s not impossible,” said Harold Cole, a warden with the Pennsylvania Game Commission who investigated the case.

Percy Emert, a resident of the town in central Pennsylvania, said he and his wife caught the squirrel on Sunday in a trap, using peanuts as bait.

“At first I thought somebody around here was playing tricks,” he said. The family took pictures of the animal in its cage and posted them on Facebook. Then, on Tuesday, they set the squirrel free.

Lovely. Alien rodents. Just what we need.

okay, I know, tomorrow’s Lupercalia or, for you terminally un-hip folks, Valentine’s day. So what are you and a loved one to do? Since I’m pretty sure you haven’t actually done anything or bought that gift yet, I’m here to save your sorry derriere.

Share the sweet smells of sewage with that special someone.

If you really want to show that special someone how much your care about her this Valentine’s Day, take her to see some sewage.

On this Valentine’s Day, one of the more unorthodox activities available to lovebirds is the ability to take that special someone for a tour of the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in the Greenpoint section of Brooklyn. New York City’s Department of Environmental Protection is offering a tour of the sewage treatment facility that lasts just under two hours and culminates in an expansive view of the Manhattan skyline and the 53-acre Newtown plant from 130 feet up.

The weekly tours, which began nine months ago, are usually conducted on the second Tuesday of every month, which happens to be Valentine’s Day this month. To celebrate the occasion, guests will each be given a Hershey kiss candy while they tour a plant that is responsible for breaking down toxic waste into harmless sludge. They also get a Valentine’s Day story that will almost certainly be unique among their friends.

“People in general say, regardless of any other holiday time, that it’s strange to go see a wastewater plant,’’ plant superintendent and tour director Jim Pynn told “But by the end, every person leaves with an appreciation and an understanding of the facility. It seems strange to depart from the hearts, flowers and romantic candlelight on Valentine’s Day, but I think New Yorkers are always venturing out to do new things. It makes a good story.’’

Since the existence of the tour was made public by a report by The New York Daily News, Pynn said the response has been so high that they added a second tour. Those interested are asked to register on the DEP’s website, and the volume of responses precipitated the addition of a 1 p.m. tour after the 10 a.m. tour concludes.

Pynn, who has been the plant’s superintendent for 19 years and a DEP employee for 39 years, gives an oral history of the facility while showing visitors the infrastructure. A particular highlight is the “digester eggs,’’ gigantic structures that mimic human stomachs and break down toxic substances into treatable sludge and gas.

Guys don’t have to worry about wearing their Sex Panther cologne to drown out the smell of sewage on the tour, as Pynn said that making sure no one is holding his or her nose has been a priority of improvements.

“It’s a sewer plant that has been under construction for 15 years, and odor control is important,’’ Pynn said. “We’re surrounded by industrial and residential properties, so we don’t want to be a bad neighbor. Most people don’t smell the place, which has been a testament by our actual visitors and shows how we have been containing odors.’’

If spending the day around sewage isn’t an enticing prospect, there is always a candlelit dinner and fine dining at White Castle. The fast-food chain is offering bookings for candlelit booths and selling pink blankets to make it extra special for your date.

Maybe pizza is more your thing rather than a case of sliders. Pizza Hut has you covered, especially if you plan on making a marriage proposal to your date and want to do it over a medium one-topping pizza with some breadsticks and cinnamon sticks. The pizza chain has 10 packages available to “tie the knot” in which it offers a $10 dinner box, a red ruby and diamond engagement ring, limo service, flowers, a fireworks show, a videographer and a photographer for a mere $10,010 plus tax.

If you’re on a tight budget and don’t plan on getting married any time soon, you can head to Qdoba Mexican Grill. On Valentine’s Day, the purchase of an entrée and a simple kiss with “a significant other, family member, friend or understanding stranger’’ will garner you a second entrée for free.

For those who just want to go right to dessert, Cupcakes Gourmet in Philadelphia has a $55,000 cupcake featuring an eight-carat diamond ring perched on top of the frosting.

Nothing says love better than a day of sewage and sliders.

And you thought I wasn’t romantic.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

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