Sometimes at the World News Center we are tasked with impossible assignments. Like the time we tried to get Ashley Lobo to go undercover in an illegal “all nude” mud wrestling ring. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed, the story was quietly shelved and numerous lawsuits were averted. Other items, like the time we tried to get Nick Rosario to recreate Evel Knieval’s legendary bus jump, were immediately killed by those stick in the muds at our insurance company. But sometimes an idea, although wildly irresponsible and dangerous, gets greenlighted and foisted you on, gentle reader. Today is one such day. Despite the fact that I am twice divorced and once had sex on top of a police car on a first date, I have been asked to write a column about love and relationships. As the very funny lady, who shared breakfast with me today, noted, “Next week they’ll get Svengoolie to talk about subtlety in humor.”
Ha freaking ha.
Of course she gets to trot off to her day gig while I’m stuck trying to make this into something useful for you. So, since I cannot serve as a shining example, allow me to serve as a warning sign.
If you decide to make a public display of your wedding proposal make sure the woman is going to say yes. Since her saying no on a Jumbotron is freaking humiliating. I’ve always wondered about the pinheads who did stuff like this. Unless they have made prior arrangements they are, when you think about it, trying to humiliate the girl into saying yes.
“You can’t say no, people are watching!!!!”
Even if you get shot down in a church the basic idea is the same. You’re an inconsiderate tool who’s trying to force his will on others.
Here’s a handy tip guys, make sure you have had at least one conversation with your intended about your intentions before you do what you’re intending. I can promise you that she will not think less of you for not making her look like a callous, vicious, slut in public. In fact, that little extra care and concern will go a long way to making her love you all the more.
And when you do get married, here’s another piece of advice, try not to end up in jail for beating on her. Not only does that make you a grade “A” jerk, it will also cause a judge to sentence you to a night at Red Lobster.
A Broward County judge has ordered a husband to take his wife out on a date and buy her flowers — a strangely gentle ruling for a domestic abuse charge.
According to an arrest affidavit cited by NBC Miami, Joseph Bray, 47, and his wife Sonja got into a fight after Bray neglected to wish her a happy birthday. Sonja told police he shoved her and grabbed her neck at their Plantation residence.
At the Tuesday hearing, Judge John Hurley asked the wife about her preferences for a night out on the town and sentenced the husband accordingly.
According to the Sun Sentinel, he ordered Bray to “flowers, birthday card, Red Lobster, bowling.”
He also requested that the Brays start seeing a marriage counselor. Read the Sun Sentinel for the judge’s comments on the light sentencing.
On the other end of the romance spectrum, last year a New York judge ordered a husband and wife to build a literal “divorce wall” in their house to stop the couple’s constant feuding.
According to NBC (Chicago), Google user Georgia Valente wrote that “of all the Red Lobsters in South Florida, the couple’s dinner destination is “quite possibly the best.”
So that’s a plus. As to the rest, you knew without even thinking that this happened in Florida.
Now, why Georgia Valente has been to every Red Lobster in South Florida is a question I never want answered.
All this being said, while the nice people at TRU TV may rail against the many Valentine’s Day traditions, such as champagne and chocolate, you and I both know that if they don’t pony up their next date will be a hand full of lube and a copy of Penthouse.
So don’t be a tool, communicate with your beloved, don’t beat on your beloved and try not to go cheap on the 14th unless it’s a mutually planned thing like grabbing a bucket of chicken and having sex all night.
You might even get by without the chicken.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!