Sex, Drugs and Florida

I couldn’t hop on the internet this morning so I was forced to wail and gnash my tooth in anguish that the world might be doing something interesting without me. HAH! Like that could ever happen. I am the most interesting thing in my universe. Well, the second most. Florida holds the main title. No matter how odd the things in my life may be they pale in comparison to things in Florida. I recently tried to explain Florida to some of our new Asian readers. It seems I made some inroads but they still have questions. And, to be fair, they are really good questions. The most common one is “what makes them act that way?” To that I have no ready answer. It is a behavior pattern that has been generations in the making. The biggest factor might be that Florida only attracted two kinds of people for many, many years; those that were avoiding the government and those who were going to die. Not exactly the best and the brightest. Certainly not that spark you need for the next generation. Or any generation for that matter.

So, when people in Florida commit a crime they tend to do it with a different flair than you’re used to. For example, lots of women shoplift. Very few tag-team to steal thongs. That they tried on first. That they tried to hide in their purses. In front of security. Who saved everyone some time and just arrested them.

See? Different.

Or, another example, men and women argue all the time. Sometimes some men will try and hurt their women. But only in Florida do they light themselves on fire after attacking a car. You’re going to have to read the whole story.

A Wesley Chapel man was critically burned after investigators say a plan to torch his estranged wife backfired.

From her upstairs apartment, Capitola Scott could hear her neighbor, 47-year-old Gloria Davis, shrieking for help and then saw Davis being chased. Scott opened the door, yelling at her to get inside.

Police say the man chasing Davis with a jug full of gasoline was her husband of 25 years, 50-year-old Matthew Wong. The two had been separated since October.

Detectives say Wong had apparently planned to ambush Davis. They say he rented a car and blacked out the windows. But Davis spotted Wong and immediately began to run, screaming for help.

As he frantically chased his wife, investigators say Wong inadvertently splattered gasoline all over himself, and when he went to torch the apartment where his wife was seeking refuge, it was Wong who went up in flames.

Neighbors used fire extinguishers to put out the fire that was consuming him and some nearby bushes. A scorched patch of grass now marks the spot where he fell to the ground.

Investigators say Wong was rushed to Tampa General Hospital with life-threatening burns. They say the couple has two older children who also live in the Bay area.

The incident comes just days after a high-profile trial, during which Chris Hanney was convicted of dousing his wife, Audrey Mabrey, with gasoline.

Investigators say they’re not yet sure if the timing of the cases is a coincidence, or if this was a copycat type of attack.

Well, if it was it was a bad copy. Which is good news for the woman who, I believe, just might be justified for not wanting to hang around with this guy any more. Don’t you agree?

Let’s try another. People get pulled over all the time for driving under the influence. Only in Florida would the driver blame her inability to function on her big breasts.

A Port St. Lucie woman facing DUI charges told arresting officers her “big boobies” were to blame for her inability to perform sobriety tests, according to an arrest report.

Maureen Jane Raymond, 49, was arrested in Jensen Beach on Jan. 29 after she was stopped by cops who responded to a reckless vehicle call, according to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office report.

According to the report, a deputy saw Raymond driving over 50 mph in a 35 mph zone in her grey Camry and crossing over the double yellow line twice before parking in two spots at a Walgreen’s.

The deputy smelled an odor of alcohol on Raymond and noticed she had slurred speech, glassy eyes and staggered when she walked, the report said.

According to the report, Raymond started drinking out of a glass, telling the deputy it was tea. A second glass found in the car smelled like an alcoholic beverage, the deputy wrote in the report.

Raymond was asked to get out of the car for tests and she started to give her top heavy excuse.

“When I told her we were going to do some roadside tasks she told me that I needed to understand that she is big chested and if I asked her to close her eyes and balance she is not going to balance well,” the deputy wrote. “She told me ‘big breast you don’t balance well.'”

Asked if she had any injuries, Raymond replied she had big breasts and whiplash, the report said.

The report said Raymond had a hard time following directions and that when she was asked to walk a straight line, she began to dance.

“When I told her she had to keep her hands at her side she stated hell no not with these. Telling me again she can’t do it, not with her big boobies,” the deputy wrote, adding Raymond “began to take her clothes off to show me her breast and I stopped her.”

Raymond was asked to count and “she seemed to sing the numbers while counting,” the report said.

The deputy arrested Raymond for DUI, and she was taken to the station for a breath test.

But before the breath test, Raymond insisted she pray, the report said.

“She told me she was praying and that I need to relax because she is praying and God is first,” the deputy wrote.

Raymond wasn’t able to provide a valid breath sample, and was booked into jail, the report said. She was released on bond the next day.

Ah yes, the “my boobs are ginormous and God is good defense.” Lawyers all over the world are anxiously waiting to see how this one plays out.

Sadly, for the lawyers tasked with representing Stanley B. Ramos, there will be no fun in the courthouse for them. You see their client was arrested for possession of drugs and related paraphernalia and showed up for his hearing with a crack pipe. So said the nice police officers who allowed him to be sentenced first and then arrested him.

Okay, one more for the road. Lots of people take those online quizzes. Some pass, some fail. Only in Florida do they try and kill a cat for being the reason of their failure.

The beating of the girlfriend was just a bonus.

A Gainesville man went to jail on a charge of animal cruelty after admitting to police that he tried to kill his girlfriend’s cat because he said it made him fail an online test.

In addition to the animal cruelty charge, the Gainesville Police Department arrested Marvelle Stephon Rucker, 21, of 1000 SW 62nd Blvd., on charges of false imprisonment and battery.

The cat’s owner told police that she found the animal lethargic and unresponsive when she got home from work around 4:50 p.m. Sunday. She also said Rucker cornered her and poked her in the face for 10 or 15 minutes until a roommate intervened.

Officer Keith Carlisle said Rucker admitted to poking the woman in her face, but said he did not think it was a crime if he was not beating her.

In an arrest report, Carlisle wrote that, when he asked Rucker why he put a pillow over the cat, Rucker “laughed as he said he was trying to kill the cat” because the cat made him fail an online test.

Rucker was booked into the Alachua County jail.

And ladies, word is he’s single again. I’m just saying.

Anyway, as you can see, two truths are self evident; (1) people in Florida shouldn’t be allowed to breed as rapidly as they do and; (2), your world is really empty without me.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVkUvmDQ3HY&w=420&h=315]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!