Other People’s Hobbies

Planking is for amateurs. This is what we do here at World News Center.
Lots of people have hobbies. Some play guitar, some knit, others learn a new language or try their hands at culinary concoctions. You may have noticed that I like to write. Not only here but I actually write fiction that three people have read. Not all at once, I’m not that famous, but they’re still out there. Very “out there” if they’ve read my stuff. That being said, I have a buddy who collects dragon figurines. In all other aspects of life he is a perfectly normal man. A wonderful father to his three children and doting husband to his glorious wife. He is active in his church and has been loyal to the company he works for over the last few decades. Until he sees a dragon figurine. Then he becomes a squealing little girl who must, MUST I TELL YOU – RIGHT FREAKING NOW, purchase said figurine. You would see more self control, and hear less squealing, at an all girl-school concert featuring Justin Bieber. When he was young his friends and family thought it was cute and harmless. They even encouraged it since, after all, he wasn’t out drinking or whoring with me. But now that the collection actually has its own storage facility as well as an entire wall in the basement, people are growing concerned. His children are at that age where they are looking at colleges and they want to know that dad didn’t flush their futures away on a bunch of figurines. I’m sure that everything is fine, he’s a pretty responsible guy when push comes to shove. But when you see 23 variations on the Luck Dragon from the Never Ending Story all in one display case, it’s easy to share their concerns.

Still, his fascination with dragons makes more sense to me than the group of North Koreans who spent years learning the accordion so they could do a rousing rendition of A-Ha’s 80’s hit, Take on Me. Allegedly they are celebrating multiculturalism. More proof that North Koreans haven’t got a clue what the world is like outside of Pyongyang.

Of course, if you’re looking for clueless you need not travel all the way to Asia. The Komen Foundation, famous for its Planned Parenthood flap, is now selling handguns.

It’s okay, they’re pink.

Yesterday, the Susan B. Komen Foundation made national headlines with its controversial decision to pull funding for Planned Parenthood. And now, the foundation has just announced it is reversing its decision and will continue to fund breast cancer screenings with the group.

To a lot of people this back and forth seems a little random and strange. But there’s a clear paper trail you can follow of the increasing political pressures on Komen and the rightward shift the organization has been taking.

Another, lesser-known aspect of Komen’s outreach to the political right can be found here, in their promotion of a pink handgun to promote breast cancer awareness month.

Komen’s pink pistol is not to be confused with the organization the Pink Pistols, a gay-rights organization that supports Second Amendment rights.

Komen has partnered up with Discount Gun Sales to offer a pink version of its P-22 pistol. An undisclosed portion of each sales will go toward the Seattle branch of Komen. The pistol retails for $429.99.

The “Hope Edition” pistol is promoted as having “an exclusive DuraCoat Pink slide in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness month. Utilizing the same reliable controls and firing mechanism that has made the Walther P-22 America’s top selling handgun, the Hope Edition will be a limited production pistol offered exclusively through Discount Gun Sales.”

Yes, nothing says “We care about your health” like a 22 caliber pink pocket protector. Obviously, the Komen Foundation is insane.

Not as insane as the people who like pterodactyl porn, but they’re running neck and neck these days.

Then again, are they any nuttier than John C. Hughes? He wrote up his “bucket list” and then started checking them off one by one. Drink tequila in a biker bar? Check. Get into a high speed chase with cops?

Believe it or not, check.

We all have our dreams.

John C. Hughes of Butte, Mont., said he started a car chase with police because he “just always wanted to do that,” according to a police report obtained by the Montana Standard.

Hughes, 55, led police on a chase at speeds of more than 100 mph before police used “stop sticks” to deflate his tires and arrest the speed demon. He now faces a misdemeanor count of reckless driving while eluding police.

Police said Hughes was not intoxicated and they found no evidence of drugs or alcohol in the car, according to the Standard.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard of anything like that,” Sheriff John Walsh told the Standard.

Hughes should perhaps consider himself lucky. Just this Wednesday, a man in Salinas, Ca., crashed his car in a high-speed chase with police, causing his car to roll over multiple times, according to The Californian.

Then again, Hughes didn’t make out nearly as well as a British man who sued police after they pursued him for 17 minutes for not wearing his seat belt. The man later settled with police for the equivalent of about $31,000, the BBC reported Thursday.

Mr. Hughes needs a hobby.

Maybe he can take up eel porn. That sounds safer.

It also sounds more rational than anything you’ll hear from Jemima Packington who predicts the future through the clever use of asparagus.

Meet Jemima Packington, a woman who divines the future using asparagus. The world’s only “Asparamancer” (as she calls herself), she casts the spears in the air and reads the shapes they form when they land. She been reading asparagus since she was a little girl and claims to have been making accurate predictions about such things as the royal family and politics. “It might sound silly to some people but my readings are very accurate. I have been doing readings using asparagus since I was eight years old. My great aunt read tea leaves and I have inherited her gift,” Jemima says. Sure, why not? If you can do it with tea leaves, you can do it with vegetables. I want to believe in her powers, really I do, but she predicts that Europe will not have a hard time with frost and snow, just a windy time. Last time I checked, Europe was going through a deep freeze. Alas, the asparagus spears have failed her this time. But fret not, the Asparamancer will have a chance to redeem herself when she appears at the British Asparagus Festival in April, where she’s bound to predict that all attendees will have strange smelling pee.

HEY LOOK! ARMPIT PORN!!!

Yeah, we’re moving on.

This just in, the people whose hobby is to know stuff like this just ranked Miami as the worst city in America. Miami won hands down thanks to its lovely mix of high crime, rampant poverty and the happy bonus of widespread political corruption.

Miami is also rumored to be the international capital of clown porn.

And if that’s the kind of stuff that revs your motor then you’re going to love our next story about Trent Arsenault, the verified virgin who’s fathered 14 kids.

Trent Arsenault may be the most controversial father in America right now. Not only has he fathered 14 kids, but he’s also a 36-year-old virgin.

By day, Arsenault is a Silicon Valley computer security specialist, but on the side he is perhaps the world’s first “donorsexual,” a term he coined to describe his passion of supplying sperm to childless couples free-of-charge.

Arsenault claims he’s never had a sex partner and feels it’s his duty to the couples who use his sperm not to deplete the supply.

“I’ve committed 100 percent of my sexual energy for producing sperm for childless couples to have babies. So I don’t have other activity outside of that,” Arsenault told Anderson Cooper in January.

Arsenault doesn’t charge for his baby batter, but his unconventional methods have spurred the Food and Drug Administration to issue a cease-and-desist order, the San Jose Mercury News reported. The FDA alleges that Arsenault did not take the legally required precautions to prevent the spread of communicable diseases.

Although Arsenault has attracted sympathy from various people who believe the FDA’s allegations set a dangerous precedent, other activities of his have aroused controversy, such as the 100-plus videos he has posted online showing him masturbating with unusual aids such as a water polo ball and frozen packs of organic blueberries.

He likes to put what where? I told you there should be a procreation license. No one listens to me.

Of course he’s got nothing on Masanobu from Japan. He holds the world’s record for masturbating for 9 hours straight. He has a girlfriend but she doesn’t have sex with him. I can see why. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing and 9 hours of the non-stop mattress mambo seems to fit that description.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UccqyBp946A&w=420&h=315]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

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