And Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong

Of course it's loaded you big silly. Why else would I pose with a semi-automatic Hello Kitty rifle?
I had a very strange dream last night. Ashley Lobo, Ann Sheehan and Gina Ferraro were auditioning for parts in a new Spielberg epic. They had gone through round after round and were now seated in front of the great man himself. He finally revealed the story line to the eager lasses and explained that there was a scene – which was terribly important to the plot, Oscar worthy for the actresses and crucial to the film in general – that would require all three of them to be nude in the same bathtub with a single loufa, a gallon of body wash and a rifle. Of course it would be tastefully done. He’s Spielberg, not Larry Flint, after all. They discussed it amongst themselves and then proudly announced that, since I got tatted, they would do it for the World News Center. I could barely hold back a tear. Then the scene shifted and I was on stage in a karaoke bar, singing a Neil Diamond song and people were firing beer bottles at me from table-side cannons.

Like I said, it was a very strange dream.

But not as strange as real life. MSNBC’s World News Desk is reporting that a cannibal wants to marry a vampire, after they get out of the mental institutions they are in for killing people.

Two infamous Swedish murderers, the “Skara Cannibal” and the “Vampire Woman,” hope to get married, according to Expressen, a Swedish newspaper.

The couple met at their high-security psychiatric ward in eastern Sweden, the paper said, and flirted over Internet chat rooms.

”We got together on November 13th. ‘Do you want to be my girlfriend?’ he asked on MSN. Then we decided to get engaged, which we did on December 9th,” Michelle Gustafsson, aka the “Vampire Woman,” told Expressen.

Gustafsson was convicted in 2010 of the stabbing death of a father of four in Stockholm, the paper said. She wrote chilling lyrics on her blog about killing people and posted pictures of herself dressed as a vampire with bloody lips.

Isakin Jonsson, known as the ”Skara Cannibal,” was convicted in March 2011 of killing of his girlfriend, Helle Christensen, a mother of five, Expressen said. After stabbing her to death and cutting off body parts, he ate some of them.

“I love Michelle. I have never met anyone like her. I would like to lead a non-criminal life,” Jonsson told Expressen.

It is unclear if the couple will be released anytime soon. According to the prison hospital, some inmates have been there for 20 years.

Even so, the couple hopes to live together at some point.

“We want to get to live together, keep dogs and spend time on our hobbies, piercing and tattoos,” Gustafsson told Expressen.

In case you wondered why 90% of black metal bands are Swedish, I bet you figured it out now.

What an odd little country.

In other “bad idea” news, police in Greensboro North Carolina report that getting drunk and naked and firing a gun at cops is a very bad idea.

A naked North Carolina man was arrested on Tuesday after a 15-hour standoff with cops that included an exchange of gunfire, tear gas volleys and a communications robot.

The incident began when a neighbor called the cops on Jimmy Albert Burleson, 41, who allegedly sat “naked on his [Greensboro] porch with a gun while calling out to God,” Police Chief Ken Miller told WGHP-TV.

When the responding officer showed up at about 5 a.m., he got quite a surprise when Burleson allegedly started shooting an automatic weapon at him — possibly an AK-47, the station reported.

“I heard shots,” Neighbor Danielle Hatfield told the News & Record. ‘Then it went bam, bam, bam. Then I heard about three or four more. I just kind of looked at [my husband], and said ‘Are they gunshots?'”

The officer took cover and returned fire using a shotgun and a handgun until Burleson retreated back inside and barricaded himself in, the paper reported. Neither the officer or Burleson were injured in the melee, but it was only the beginning.

Dozens of cops descended on the home, shooting tear gas inside and even deploying a robot with audio and video capabilities that would help officers talk to man down. The news outlets reported that the robot broke down — but an officer using a second robot was able to coax Burleson out of the house long enough to subdue him at about 8 p.m.

Burleson was arrested on charges of attempted first-degree murder and assault with a deadly weapon on an officer. Cops will stay with him at the hospital until he finishes a thorough mental health evaluation.

Since no one was hurt we can file that under funny as heck.

Speaking of funny as heck, cops in Massachusetts are reporting that the local FBI wasn’t content to knock in the wrong door, they took a chainsaw to it and terrified a 3 year old girl.

A Massachusetts woman says the FBI used a chain saw blade to cut through her door and held her at gunpoint for at least 30 minutes before agents realized they were conducting a raid at the wrong home.

Judy Sanchez, of Fitchburg, says she awoke to heavy footsteps in the stairwell on Jan. 26 and walked into her kitchen in time to see a blade chop through her door.

“I took two steps, face the second door, and I heard the click of a gun, and saying, ‘FBI, get down,’ so I laid down on my living room floor,” Sanchez told WHDH.com. “I was screaming, ‘You have the wrong apartment, you have the wrong apartment,’ over fifty times. And then I seen the big blade coming down my door.”

She says she was held face-down on the floor at gunpoint while her 3-year-old daughter Ji’anni cried in another room.
It turns out agents were after the other tenant on the floor of the multi-unit building who was suspected of dealing drugs. The raid was called Operation Red Wolf, a two-year investigation into drugs and weapons, WHDH.com reported.

Sanchez says she and her daughter now have trouble sleeping. The mom told WHDH she now sleeps with a baseball bat next to her bed.

The FBI has apologized and is paying for the damage.

Oh, hey, our bad. Want a cookie or something?

What’s really scary about this is that these nimrods had two years to get the address right and still screwed it up.

In another investigation that took slightly less time, as in about two seconds, Associated Press is reporting that cops tasered a guy for walking his dog.

A man walking his dogs in a federal park was hit with a stun gun and arrested by a park ranger who accused him of not putting a leash on the animals and giving a false name, astonishing passers-by who say the reaction was excessive.

The ranger deployed the Taser stun gun on Gary Hesterberg on Sunday after he ignored the ranger’s orders and tried to walk away, the National Park Service said. Hesterberg was allegedly walking his dogs without leashes in violation of the rules of Rancho Corral de Tierra, which was incorporated into the Golden Gate National Recreation Area in December.

“It appears the incident began as one of several educational contacts that day about the NPS rules on dog-walking,” said Howard Levitt, the recreation area’scommunications director. “But this one developed into a more serious law enforcement situation when the person being contacted provided false information.”

Hesterberg allegedly refused to provide the ranger with printed identification, and she realized he had told her a false name when she called dispatchers to verify, Levitt said. While she was on the telephone, “the man failed to heed repeated orders to remain at the scene” and the ranger used her Taser, he said.

The encounter is being reviewed just like any other use of force by a law enforcement officer, Levitt said. The ranger, whom he would not identify, remains on the job, he said.

“Any law enforcement officer has a variety of means by which to insure compliance in a law enforcement situation, so the standard is they exercise reasonable judgment to ensure compliance in any situation they find themselves in,” Levitt said.

A witness, Michelle Babcock, told the San Francisco Chronicle (http://bit.ly/y9rHph) the ranger never gave Hesterberg an explanation as to why he was being detained and then hit him with the stun gun in the back.

This is “being looked into” by the people who hired this idiot in the first place. What could possibly go wrong?

Of course, if you want the stunningly wrong at too many levels to count, you have to go to Florida where a man adopted his girlfriend to avoid paying debts on a lawsuit and … well … so he could have sex with his 42 year old daughter.

A wealthy Florida man has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend as a daughter in a move critics say will protect the man’s assets during an upcoming lawsuit surrounding a deadly car accident.

Polo Club Palm Beach founder John Goodman, 48, adopted his longtime partner Heather Laruso Hutchins in October, The Palm Beach Post reports.

The strategy could shore up Goodman’s wealth as he confronts a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the parents of Scott Patrick Wilson, The Associated Press says. Wilson was killed in 2010 when Goodman allegedly ran a stop sign. The trial begins March 27.

Goodman had previously set up a trust for his two minor children. If Wilson’s parents win their civil suit, they cannot receive any compensation from the trust, The Post reports.

Hutchins, as Goodman’s third legal child, is now entitled to a third of the money in the trust. However, another court could later rule that Hutchins isn’t entitled to a share of the trust, Fox News reports.

A lawyer for the Wilson family claims it’s a ploy for Goodman to keep money for himself. But Dan Bachi, Goodman’s lawyer, told The Palm Beach Post, the adoption is to guarantee his children’s future and denied that it was spurred by the lawsuit.

Florida attorney Charlotte Danciu said in an interview with TV station WPEC that Goodman is abusing the state’s adoption law, which is designed to create parent-child relationships.

Even Circuit Court Judge Glenn Kelley, who approved Goodman’s adoption application in Miami-Dade County, described the request as “border[ing] on the surreal,” and said it put the court in a “legal twilight zone.”

Sobriety tests revealed that Goodman was driving with a blood-alcohol level two times above the legal limit on the night Wilson died. Besides the civil case, he faces a March trial for vehicular homicide, DUI manslaughter, and leaving the scene of a crime. Those charges carry a sentence of up to 30 years in prison. He has pleaded not guilty.

For those of you who are new to this blog allow me to point something out; Dan Bachi lied. Not just a little lie, we’re talking one of those “No I won’t do that in your mouth” kind of lies.

Okay, so we need a happy story. The Spanish village of Sodeto played the state lottery and won a portion of $950,000,000.00.

So what could go wrong? One guy didn’t chip in for the ticket so he got nothing.

Back in December, the tiny Spanish village of Sodeto collectively won a major stake in the annual $950 million Spanish national lottery. Today, the village of farmers and construction workers is enjoying a minimum payout of $130,000 per resident.

And yet for all of the new wealth making its way around Sodeto, one villager came away empty-handed. Costis Mitsotakis, a Greek filmmaker who moved to the village for a woman, is the only resident of Sodeto who did not purchase a ticket. Mitsotakis says he is no longer with the woman and now lives in a barn he is restoring just outside the village:

Mr. Mitsotakis said it would have been nice to win. But he has benefited nonetheless. He had been trying to sell some land without much success. The day after the lottery a neighbor called to say he would buy it. The next day another neighbor called. But Mr. Mitsotakis refused to get into a bidding war. “This is a small village,” he said. “You don’t want bad feelings.”

Spain’s national lottery, known as “El Gordo” (the fat one), was first established in 1812 and operates somewhat differently than most American lotteries. For example, this year there were 1,800 first-prize winning tickets, each with the same winning number of 58268. Each winning ticket was awarded a cash-prize equaling $520,000. But since each ticket costs $26, Spain allows them to be divided into as many as six “participations.”

As for the other residents, they’ve found that with the newfound wealth comes distractions and fortune seekers. The village has reportedly been bombarded with sales representatives of all forms, each trying to cash in on the nearly $150 million infusion of wealth. More from the New York Times:

On a recent morning, the vendors just kept showing up: bankers in suits offering high interest rates, car salesmen talking up BMWs and furniture dealers going door to door.

Like many other local farmers, José Manuel Penella Cambra, who had recently invested in more efficient irrigation techniques, worried about how he would meet his payments. But his wife bought two tickets, worth $260,000, and his son found two more she had bought earlier and had forgotten about, bringing the total to $520,000.

“I kept saying: look for some more, look for some more,” he joked in the village cafe, a shabby establishment with a few Formica tables and a ripped black leatherette sofa.

Of course, in a town where everyone is rich, who serves the wealthy? As Mayor Rosa Pons notes, “Some of the ladies talked about going to the hairdresser. But the hairdresser won, too. And she said, ‘I’m not working today.’ So that ended that.”

Oh well, it seems like everyone there gets along – maybe not as well as Ashley, Ann and Gina in a tub – so I’m sure all will be well.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a cold shower now.

Well, fair is fair, watch the video and you’ll need one too. Especially if you like tennis.

[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/32599439 w=400&h=300]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

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