There is a gentleman who live a couple of blocks away from me. He is, to use the common vernacular, a grade A jerk. He is also not very bright. I can sum him up with a single incident; he recently broke his leg trying to kick in the front door of a bar that had thrown him out for being drunk and disorderly. You get the idea. Anyway, yesterday, I saw him crutching – it’s my story and I’ll invent words if I want to – his way down the street towards the corner. I also noticed a nasty patch of black ice at the same corner. So, despite my more evil thoughts, I yelled a warning to him. As he was flipping me off and telling me to go and perform and anatomically impossible act on myself, he hit the black ice, flipped straight into the air and broke his other leg. It took me a moment to stop laughing but I did eventually call 911 for the guy. Mostly because I wanted to give the cops and EMTs a laugh too. Which I did and which they appreciated. As it turned out there was an outstanding warrant for his arrest so, once they got his leg all braced up, the cops were going to arrest him. His very bad day could have easily been avoided if he had an ounce of common decency. Or, if he had just stepped about 2 feet to his left. Either / or would have worked.
He would have gotten along well with the people we are going to discuss now.
Police in London arrested a man for being too fat. The reason they knew he was too fat was because he was stuck in the window of the house he was trying to rob.
British police said a burglary suspect found himself in an awkward situation when his backside became stuck in the window he was trying to enter.
Investigators said Paul Keenan, 36, tried to squeeze through the small window — measuring 12 inches by 8 inches — at a London home early Tuesday, the Daily Mirror reported Wednesday.
Police said Keenan was discovered when the home’s occupant woke up for breakfast.
Firefighters said it took about 30 minutes to free the alleged burglar.
“Oh look mumsy, the window’s trapped another burglar.”
“You’re right snookums. What should we do?”
“Well, I suppose we’ll have to ring up the Bobbies, but I would like my morning tea first.”
So, a nice cup of Earl Gray later, justice was served.
Police in South Carolina said a burglary suspect was stuck in a grease vent at a restaurant for more than six hours.
North Charleston police said a worker at Shoney’s restaurant called 911 at about 4:47 a.m. Monday and said she heard cries for help upon entering the closed eatery, The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier reported Tuesday.
Police said they discovered Kevin Michael Harley, 23, stuck vertically in a vent above a stove.
Harley, who police said was wearing socks on his hands to avoid leaving fingerprints, told officers he had become stuck in the vent at about 10 p.m. the previous night.
Firefighters freed Harley from the vent and he was arrested and charged with burglary in the second-degree. He was treated at a local hospital for minor injuries.
Okay, so we’ve covered fat and stupid, now let’s see what happens when we combine the two.
Police in Michigan arrested a woman who … oh, I’ll let them tell you.
A 400-pound Michigan woman was caught shoplifting when her motorized cart got stuck in the store’s door, authorities say.
Jerrie Perkins, 30, of Pontiac was attempting to leave a Meijer store in Rochester Hills with more than $600 worth of stolen electronic merchandise Tuesday night, the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office told The Macomb Daily of Mount Clemens, Mich.
She set off the door alarm and hit a store employee who confronted her, authorities said. When a sheriff’s deputy arrived, she “took a fighting stance” and had to be Tasered to be subdued, the report said.
Perkins was charged with unarmed robbery, resisting and obstructing a police officer and second-degree retail fraud. Her bond was set at $15,000 at her arraignment Thursday.
She’s an entire episode of Springer all by herself. Heck, she might just account for a week’s worth of shows.
Now that we’ve covered all the permutations of fat and stupid, let’s move on to the unusual. Firefighters in Pennsylvania had to rescue a woman who was being eaten by an ATM.
Firefighters in Pittsburgh said they had to use a special piece of equipment to free a woman whose hand became stuck in an ATM while she was withdrawing cash.
Moon Run firefighters said they were called to the First Commonwealth machine in Robinson Monday to free a woman whose hand was stuck in the ATM, WPXI-TV, Pittsburgh, reported Thursday.
Fire Chief Paul Kashmer said the firefighters used a special tool to free the woman.
First Commonwealth Bank released a statement in response to the incident.
“As a community bank, First Commonwealth’s primary concern is to provide a safe, convenient banking experience for our clients. We understand that the recent injury was a minor one and we are grateful that our client is OK,” the statement said.
How long do you think it took that bank executive to stop laughing before he or she could write that? My guess is about twenty minutes.
This next story is a stunner. A woman in Weymouth England was trapped in an elevator for over an hour because … wait for it …. no one was authorized to touch the button that would have freed her.
Company officials disputed a woman’s claim she was stuck in a British supermarket elevator while waiting for a trained technician to arrive and press a button.
Janice Woodward, 55, of Dorset says she and her 2-year-old granddaughter were trapped in the elevator for well over an hour because store employees said they weren’t authorized to push the button that would have freed them.
“I was in there for an hour and 15 minutes and I had visions of being in there forever,” Woodward told The Sunday Star. “When the technician got there he just touched the control button and the lift moved.”
Woodward said she rang for help but the workers at the Asda store in Weymouth said they were prohibited by safety regulations from pushing the button that would have released the stalled elevator car.
An Asda spokeswoman said the technician actually arrived within 20 minutes and needed another 30 minutes to work on the machinery before the button could be pushed.
Dear Asda spokeswoman; quit while you’re ahead. You are not making things any better for yourself right now.
Speaking of not making things any better, school officials in Boca Raton Florida purchased money saving waterless urinals. Which completely rotted due to the fact that there was no water to wash away the urine. Which led to ….
Officials say they have started repairs on the waterless urinals at a Florida high school after they began springing leaks of liquids that were not water.
Students and staff at Spanish River High in Boca Raton have been dealing with rivers of urine flowing across restroom floors from holes in corroded pipes.
“It was seeping through the hallway into the classroom next door,” student Caleb Rader, 15, told the South Florida Sun Sentinel. “Pretty disgusting.”
Palm Beach County school officials said the problem was caused by corrosive gases created by urine that have eaten away the copper plumbing over the years. The lack of water in the waterless systems means the urine isn’t flushed away, allowing the fumes to build up in the system.
The result has been leaks inside the walls at Spanish River High and trickles appearing in the most inconvenient places.
Palm Beach County is negotiating with the vendor on the cost of the repairs at a total of four schools, which will run about $500,000.
Okay, show of hands, how many people think that waterless urinals are a good idea?
How many people think that “corrosive urine gases” is a great name for a band?
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!