Over the last few weeks we have been picking up more and more readers from Asia. Specifically India. First off, to all of them, welcome. We love having new faces around here. And it is certainly fun getting emails from new readers. However, yesterday, after I called the Wizard of Ed to see if there was a way to auto-translate the site into accurate Hindi (he’s going to get right back to me on that), I received an email from one of our new readers that left me completely flummoxed. Mr. Patel, not his real name, wanted me to explain Florida to him. I think I’d rather explain quantum string theory to a four year old. Where do you begin? Oh well, I’ll give it a shot. Florida is actually two states. The first state is the collection of tourist attractions known to many and which is populated primarily by people who range from upper middle class to filthy rich. Their children tend to end up in Girls Gone Wild videos and then get jobs on Wall Street. The second state, which is what we usually write about, is a glorious celebration of all that is wrong with humanity. If there is a way to humiliate yourself, they not only have done it they’ve done it twice just to make sure they enjoyed it.
By way of example, let’s take a look at the case of Michael Lee Mitchell. While there are tons of examples of bad parents, I bet you even know a few, there is only one that I know of that involved electric dog collars and marathons.
A 28-year-old man was arrested Tuesday and charged with using a dog shock collar to punish two young girls.
Michael Lee Mitchell, was charged with two counts of child abuse without great harm, according to an arrest report from the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office.
Mitchell punished an eight-year-old girl by making her do extreme physical activity until she vomited, according to the Sheriff’s Office. He called the punishment “suicides” and it included running, flutter kicks, push-ups and sit-ups.
Mitchell also placed a dog shock collar around the girl’s arm after threatening to put it around her neck, according to the report.
The girl told deputies that when she would stop running, Mitchell would shock her until she began running again.
The eight-year-old said at one point Mitchell could not see her and she took off the collar and ran into the woods, the Sheriff’s Office reported.
Mitchell used the dog collar on the eight-year-old at least three times over the last three months, the Sheriff’s Office reported.
Mitchell admitted to also putting the dog collar around a four-year-old girl’s waist and shocking her for bad behavior, according to the Sheriff’s Office.
Mitchell also told deputies that he forced one of the children to run alongside his car for at least three miles as a form of punishment.
Oh, wait, they’re not even his kids. That’s right, someone thought it was a good idea to let him care for these children. Despite their pleas.
That is so Florida.
Or, you hear stories all the time of people who have their dogs stolen. That is very sad and also so very “last week” for criminals in Florida as evidenced by the story of Catherine Warren.
A 57-year-old woman was charged with stealing a dog from a 10-year-old girl who was walking the animal, according to the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office.
About 4:20 p.m. Monday, the girl had just grabbed the pit bull by its collar after it had run from her and into Pride Park, when Catherine Warren drove up to the girl and started yelling that it was obvious the dog was being abused and needed to be taken away from here, according to a news release.
When Warren couldn’t take the dog away, she pushed the girl to the ground and fled with the dog, the sheriff’s office said.
Deputies later located Warren and arrested her on a robbery charge.
The news release did not whether the dog had been recovered.
Warren was being held without bond at the Manatee County jail.
Ah yes, because beating up a ten year old girl just adds to the joy you feel when committing a dog napping.
As noted above, so very Florida.
Lots of kids run away when they’re young. But only in Florida does the mom pack their back packs and send them out the door.
Jayme Beall says her 9-year-old son’s cursing at her set her off, according to a sheriff’s arrest report.
The 30-year-old woman ordered her 9- and 13-year-old sons out of their home at 7 p.m. Monday and give them backpacks she stuffed with clothing.
Unknown to her, they somehow fled to their great grandmother’s house in Boynton Beach.
When Beal went outside, she couldn’t find the boys and called 911, 20 minutes after telling them to leave their home in the Pineview Mobile Home Park in the 3200 block of South U.S. 1.
The Sheriff’s Office brought in search dogs and air surveillance. Neither youth could be found in the neighborhood or adjoining woods.
Investigators quoted her as saying she had no idea where they went because she has no relatives in the area. Until recently they had lived in Port St. Lucie, where her older son had tried to run away.
She described the middle school student as having a history of acting violently toward her.
Five hours after the 911 call, investigators found the boys in Boynton Beach. Deputies charged her with a felony charge of child abuse and took her to the St. Lucie County Jail.
Oh the number of things wrong with this woman would take too long to summarize here. All I can say is that you need a license to drive a car, to buy a gun, heck, even to fish. I see no reason there shouldn’t be a simple license required before people can procreate.
Before we go on, allow me to share my own story about U.S. 1 in Florida. I was about nine years old when my uncle, a native Floridian, wanted to have sex with my aunt. He also had a couple of rounds of bourbon in him at the time. Yeah, he was the guy babysitting me. Anyway, he told me to go play in traffic on U.S. 1. He said it was what all the local kids did for fun. So, about a half hour later this nice state trooper pulls up next to me and asks what I’m doing in the middle of a highway with no median. I tell him. He calmly helps me pack up my Hot Wheels and loads me into the nice squad car and takes me back to see my uncle. Whom he promptly arrested. My mom bailed him out when she got back but things were a touch tense between the families for a while after that.
As it turns out, he lied. None of the other kids played there at all.
Speaking of Florida police who drive squad cars, a teen in Orange Park walked past a squad car to break into the home of the officer who lived there. No need to share this story since you know how it turns out. This kids bruises have bruises.
But this next story is quintessential Florida. It has everything. It has two jealous women. It has a knife fight. It has …. super breast implants!
A Brevard County woman said on Tuesday her breast implant saved her life after it absorbed the blow when she was stabbed with a pocket knife.
The victim, who doesn’t want to be named, said her ex-fiancé’s new girlfriend, Amy Winter, attacked her outside of his Melbourne apartment.
Police said Winter first scratched the victim’s car, then turned the knife on the victim, stabbing her repeatedly in the left side of her chest.
“It happened so fast. I’m like, ‘Put down the knife.’ I look down, and I was covered in blood,” the victim said.
The victim said she realized the knife had punctured the implant and she was soaked with saline.
Doctors said the stab victim’s breast implant had just enough saline in it to stop the knife from piercing through her chest.
The 41-year-old victim said that the decision to spend $6,000 on breast augmentation three months ago might’ve been the best move she ever made.
“It was just really lucky. Just think about it, three months ago, if it happened to her, she would have been dead,” said the woman’s doctor, Dr. Frank Filiberto, of Artful Awakenings.
Doctors said the implant prevented a deadly blow.
“When you stab it, it gives a little. It probably gave and couldn’t get through it, then it went through it and couldn’t go through the back wall. She would have had a collapsed lung or (the knife would have) hit her heart,” Filiberto said.
Filiberto said that in his 30 years of cosmetic surgery, this is a first, and it gives him a whole new outlook.
“If this saves lives, there’s nothing wrong with passing a law that everyone should have breast prosthesis,” Filiberto said as a joke.
The kind of damage the victim had to her breast implants isn’t typically covered by warranty, but because the patient is a victim of a crime, the manufacturer said it will cover the cost.
Now, let’s take the chain of events, shall we? She was at her ex-fiancé’s place, probably not a good thing, where she was attacked by his new girlfriend. With a pen knife. Which gets us all the way to the point that there’s a plastic boob palace in Florida named Artful Awakenings.
I remind you now what they call the guy who graduates last in his class in medical school.
This last article sums up Florida perfectly. I’ll let you read it first before I comment.
A woman was standing in front of a movie dispenser at Walmart when she heard another customer say, “Hey, what are you doing?” reports the Orlando Sentinel.
She then saw a man, later identified as Lorenzo Adan Ramirez, 24, acting “like nothing had happened, holding a black smart phone” — before he fled, according to an arrest report.
He was caught because he also was videotaped: Security cams had footage of him and his car’s license plate.
Ladies, just stick to pants when you go shopping so you don’t have to worry about these pervs.
Fort Myers: Man accused of taking cellphone videos under a woman’s skirt at Walmart
Fort Myers: Man accused of up-skirting shares his method with deputies
Holly Hill Walmart: Man admitted taking ‘‘up-skirt’ photos, cops say
Lake Mary: Man hides camera in his shoe at Target — watch out for that left foot
Ocala Target: Video voyeur up-skirts a granny. A granny!
Orlando Home Depot: Man took up-skirt footage of mom at Home Depot, deputies say
Tampa Bay: Man may have ‘up-skirted’ thousands of women using a shoe camera
Orlando Target: Man up-skirts woman
Ah yes, it’s the victim’s fault for wearing a skirt. That is a very Floridian attitude. But the best part of this is that they list all the best places to go look up women’s skirts. Yeah kids, just head on over to the Home Depot in Orlando and you’ll get some of the best up-skirt video you could ever want.
Don’t forget the Target on Ocala or the Walmart in Holly Hill, both fine examples of places where perverts are welcome.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!