More Them’s Not Like You and I

This is how you rock the Gollum look for Halloween. This has nothing to do with today's post, but I thought you might want to know.
I got an irate email the other day concerning a column I wrote earlier this week. The young lady, she mentioned which college she is currently attending, was appalled that I had focused on a series of articles that covered a month’s worth of time to make people seem stupid. She is correct. At least about the time it took for all the articles to become pubic knowledge. She took further umbrage at the fact that I had not shown one iota of sympathy for these people and, instead, blithely dismissed them as being unworthy to participate in the human race. A race which, as far as I’m concerned, they’d already lost. She went on and on in high dudgeon for quite some time until she finally closed with this; “There is no way you could slander humanity if you only focused on the reports of just one day.” She’s young, as I mentioned, so she doesn’t yet understand that I libel humanity, not slander it. That being said, I like a challenge. I spent all of ten minutes finding today’s stories. In fact my problem wasn’t finding stories but choosing between them. Unfortunately for this young lady’s world view, the planet is being overrun by morons. And they are being aided by the woefully incompetent. For example, Air Canada had to delay a flight for four hours because it had a kitty in its cockpit.

Yeah, I said it.

Seriously, a cat got loose and shut down an airline. Why does that not engender feelings of security in me? Why am I more surprised that these things just don’t plummet from the sky at random intervals?

I think you know the answers.

And while that’s whimsical, this next one isn’t. Police in Chandler Arizona arrested a rapist who, in a moment of glorious stupidity, gave his victim his phone number.

A Chandler man accused of raping a woman in an alley was caught after he gave the woman his phone number.

The suspect, who said he had been assaulted a day after the attack, told investigators he deserved it because “God was punishing him,” police said.

Rafael Chavez, 31, was booked on charges of sexual assault and kidnapping, a court document said.

Chavez admitted to being intoxicated from alcohol, smoking marijuana, and using cocaine before raping the victim, who was walking down an alley early Saturday morning behind her home near San Marcos Golf Course.

According to police statements, Chavez approached her in his tan Honda Accord, asked her how she was doing, and offered her a ride, which she refused.

Police said Chavez then stopped the car and “placed her in a tight hug, pushing her against a nearby building, [while] kissing her.”

She did not fight when Chavez forced her into his car “because she was scared.” He then drove a short way until he was in an alley behind a fast-food restaurant and raped her, a report said.

Chavez then returned the woman to the alley where he first confronted her and then gave her his phone number before letting her go.

Police used the phone number to contact Chavez, whom the victim positively identified in a lineup.

Oh man, there is so much wrong there I don’t even know where to begin. I am glad the woman sought medical and legal assistance. I once helped a friend deal with a similar situation and know how brain crushingly difficult those decisions can be. But people, and I use that term loosely, like Mr. Chavez need to have a state sponsored time out.

Of course Mr. Chavez isn’t the first, nor will he be the last, to invoke the name of God to justify ill conceived actions. Police in Seattle responded to a call that an evil baby needed to die.

A 33-year-old Federal Way woman is behind bars following charges that she poured cleaning powder down an infant’s throat.

King County prosecutors claim Mabinty Williams was babysitting the 4-week-old girl on Jan. 10 when she poisoned her with a clothing soap. According to charging documents, police were called to her home after she told neighbors there was an “evil baby” in her apartment.

According to charging documents, Federal Way police arrived at the apartment in the 29200 block of Military Road South to find the baby suffering from chemical burns on her face. Investigators contend Williams, a certified nursing assistant, told police the child “changed” while she was watching her.

Writing the court, Detective Brigit Clary said Williams had been watching the girl since about 8 a.m. that morning as a favor to some family friends. In the four hours before police arrived, Williams had called her husband 16 times to complain about the child.

Just before noon, Williams knocked on her neighbors’ door.

“There’s someone in my house,” Williams allegedly said. “It’s a baby, and it’s evil.”

Williams went on to say the baby’s eyes “changed to blue” while she watched.

The neighbors called police, who responded to find the infant gasping for air and covered in white powder, Clary told the court. The baby was bleeding, and had chemical burns near her mouth; a nearly empty 32 ounce jar of Totally Awesome Power Oxygen Base Cleaner was found nearby.

Williams was arrested at the scene. According to charging documents, Williams nonsensically claimed to have seen a man standing near the baby but could not explain where he came from, how he left or what he did to the child. She allegedly said the child’s eyes “went blue,” and denied pouring cleaner on the infant.

A pediatrician at Children’s Hospital determined the child sustained chemical burns on her mouth and eyes.

Writing the court, Senior Deputy Prosecutor Charles Sergis noted Williams may have mental health problems. She has no criminal history.

Williams has been charged with second-degree assault of a child. She remains jailed on $100,000 bail.

For the record, my eyes change color dependent on my mood and blood pressure. They can go from smoky gray to hazel to green or blue. It’s not common but enough people are born like this she should have been aware of it.

Now, that being said, did they really need to run a free ad for Totally Awesome Power Oxygen Base Cleaner? Couldn’t they just have said “a common household cleanser?”

Of course some people take terror to a level you never even thought of. Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey wants to outlaw ….. FOOD MADE FROM ABORTED HUMAN FETUSES!

I bet you never knew this was even remotely an issue.

Last week, Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey introduced a bill that would ban “the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses.” But which foods or products use aborted human fetuses? Let’s investigate.
NPR speculates that Shortey’s bill has to do with a recent boycott aimed at PepsiCo for working with a company called Senomyx that “has been accused of using proteins derived from human embryonic kidney cells in its research.” Quoth Shortey:

The senator says that his research shows there are companies in the food industry that have used human stem cells to help them research and develop products, including artificial flavorings.

“I don’t know if it is happening in Oklahoma, it may be, it may not be. What I am saying is that if it does happen then we are not going to allow it to manufacture here,” Shortey tells KRMG’s Nicole Burgin.

As an impartial journalistic outlet, we’re not here to tell you that Ralph Shortey is an utter moron whose incompetent attempts to ban stem cell-derived medicine reveal his all-encompassing idiocy, nor to tell you that the use of aborted human fetuses in food would already be in clear violation of a variety of different federal and state laws. Nor, for that matter, are we here to tell you that you should or should not be eating aborted human fetuses. What we are here to do is find out what foods are made using aborted human fetuses. We’ve contacted a number of the country’s largest food companies and asked: do you use aborted human fetuses in your food products?

Companies That Do Not Use Aborted Human Fetuses in Their Food Products

Products include: Big Macs, Chicken McNuggets, Filet o’ Fish, McRib, McChicken, McGriddle
Contains aborted human fetuses? Ashlee Yingling, media relations: “The answer is no. McDonald’s does not use aborted human fetuses in its food.”

Products include: Perrier, Häagen-Dazs, Gerber, Powerbar, DiGiorno Pizza, Butterfinger, Kit Kat, Alpo, Frisky
Contains aborted human fetuses? Hilary Green, head of R&D communications: “Nestlé does not use aborted human fetuses in its food products.”

Products include: Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Tropicana Orange Juice, Doritos, Quaker Oatmeal, Mountain Dew, Fritos, Gatorade
Contains aborted human fetuses? In a letter to “Children of God for Life,” PepsiCo consumer relations representative Margaret Corsi writes: “These claims are meant to suggest that human fetal tissue is somehow used in our research. That is both inaccurate and something we would never do or even consider. It also is inaccurate to suggest that tissue or cells somehow are being used as product ingredients. That’s dangerous, unethical and against the law.”

Companies That Might Use Aborted Human Fetuses in Their Food Products

Burger King
Products include: WHOPPER®, WHOPPER JR.®, Chicken Tenders, BK® Chicken Fries, Bacon & Cheddar BK TOPPERS™ Burger
Contains aborted human fetuses? Possibly. Burger King has not responded to our request for comment at this time.

General Mills
Products include: Cheerios, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Bisquick, Fruit by the Foot, Bugles, Chex Mix, Hamburger Helper
Contains aborted human fetuses? Possibly. General Mills has not responded to our request for comment at this time.

Products include: A-1 Steak Sauce, Boca Burgers, Capri Sun, Crystal Light, Jell-O, Lunchables, Oreos, Teddy Grahams, What Thins
Contains aborted human fetuses? Possibly. Kraft has not responded to our request for comment at this time.

Products include: Coca-Cola, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Sprite, Zico
Contains aborted human fetuses? Possibly. Coca-Cola has not responded to our request for comment at this time.

Products include: Dave’s Hot ‘n Juicy 1/4 lb. Single, Bacon Deluxe Single, Bacon Deluxe Double, Frosty
Contains aborted human fetuses? Possibly. Wendy’s has not responded to our request for comment at this time.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “None of the above.”

This is the same inbred and ignorant mentality that led some in South Dakota to push for a law that would ban any court from operating under Shiara law. Because, as you know, the millions of conservative Muslims who live in South Dakota …. what? oh, okay, the hundreds of thousands …. no? the tens of thousands …. well, damnit, how many freaking Muslims are there in South Dakota?


That’s right, there are fewer Muslims than there are WalMart employees in South Dakota. And, as evidenced by this blog, you have more logical reasons to fear people at WalMart than you do any followers of Islam.

Of course, not all idiots are a threat to society. Some are just a drain. Police in Eugene Oregon arrested a man on his way home from jail. Mostly because he stopped off to rob a bank.

Authorities say it was a busy morning for a man released from an Oregon state prison. After a bus ride home to Eugene on a state-paid ticket, they say he held up a bank at 10:02 a.m. Tuesday and was back in custody three minutes later.

The Register-Guard reports that 48-year-old Adam Ashe had been behind bars since May 2009, when Roseburg police arrested him in connection with a fire in a post office trash can. Police said Ashe told them he wanted to burn down the post office because he was angry about troops being sent to Iraq and Afghanistan.

He was convicted of arson last year and released early Tuesday.

Eugene police Officer Kirk Farley was sitting in his patrol car outside a Home Federal Bank branch on Tuesday when Ashe robbed it. Farley made the arrest.

An FBI court affidavit says Ashe has confessed to the bank robbery.

Ah yes, burning down a post office as a form of political protest. Why didn’t Dr. King think of that?

Well, we wouldn’t be the World News Center you know and love if we didn’t have one story from Florida. And this one has everything you could possibly want. It has a family named Springer, a loving relationship, a stable home and an alligator in he bathtub.

A Florida man’s efforts to save a baby alligator have landed him in jail.

The Marion County Sheriff’s Office said Alexander Springer was keeping the foot-long gator in a bathtub.

Springer’s wife, Teresa Springer, said she tried to tell her husband to get rid of the gator, but he didn’t listen.
“I told him he better get rid of it because one day he was going to get caught,” she said.

Deputies showed up at their home after a report of a domestic disturbance. While deputies were at her home, Teresa said she showed them what was living in her tub.

“He told our detectives that he basically got the alligator from a friend and he was protecting it and was going to release the alligator the next day,” said Judge Cochran with the Marion County Sheriff’s Office.

She said her husband had no plans to release the gator. She said he built an enclosure in the backyard with chicken wire and a pond because he planned on keeping it as a pet.

“Why would I want a gator in my house? I’m scared of them. That’s not a natural habitat for an alligator in the first place,” she said.

Springer was arrested. The alligator was released in a local lake.

What’s the moral of the story?

“Leave alligators in their natural habitat and don’t try to hide them in your bathtub,” Teresa Springer said.

That’s the moral? Really? What about “This is the best grounds for divorce ever without requiring a threesome videotaped and played on You Tube?”

“Your honor, that waste of a Y chromosome kept a man eating reptile in our bathtub. The same tub where I like to get all slippery and naked and use my loofa in new and interesting ways.”

“Divorce granted, see me in my chambers Mrs. Springer.”

Anyway, for the young lady who wrote in, I hope this proves – once and for all – that the world is filled with people you never want to be in an elevator with.

Be safe out there and sing along with Chicago’s very own Trackbaby.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

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