Out of This World Stuff

With that tail and her multiple rows of teeth, what man could resist her?
Did you wake up this morning with a burning desire to get your freak on? I know I did. But, instead, I was carted off to the World News Center, strapped to a keyboard and told to write something. And, for a change, would it be possible if I could write about something people can understand. Or, if that’s asking too much, how about something that features Beyonce? Everybody likes freaking Beyonce. Well, everybody except me. But I guess that just proves I’m an inhuman mutant who deserves to be strapped down and told what to do. So, I’ll write a little about Beyonce. As many of you know, she and Jay-Z recently procreated. Because they want their child to be shunned by normal children they named her Blue Ivy. Which, oddly enough, is very similar to my friend’s name. She is known as Ivy Blue. Oh, before I forget and get us all sued, make sure you’re an adult before you click Ivy’s link. If you’re not sure, ask someone near you first. Anyway, thanks to the glory of Google my friend’s site almost got shut down for using so much bandwidth. A couple of people, who seemed hell bent on proving my assertion that all Beyonce fans are idiots, wanted to know why Ivy was allowed to steal the darling infant’s name. Even though it is clear on her site that she has been professionally known as Ivy Blue for a decade.

Normally, after writing this much about Beyonce, I would take a break to wash my eyes out with Draino. However, these restraints are tighter than normal and my overseers keep tapping the monitor. They want more.

Okay, here’s more.

Jay-Z and Beyonce, not content to be the source of ridicule here on Earth and still not getting the “gay fish” joke (despite claiming otherwise), have decided to spend goo-gobs of money and shoot a music video in orbit. Robert Lamb tries to take this all seriously.

They’ve already brought a new child into the world and purchased it a $614,000 rocking horse made of gold, so it’s only natural that pop culture’s favorite 1 percenters now plan to ascend into suborbital space aboard Virgin Galactic and film the mother of all music videos. Or at least that’s what record executives are thinking, according to MTV News.

Needless to say, this is an excellent idea. I’m game for any convergence of music and outer space, be it a killer DJ mix or a just a cool Boston album cover. Numerous music videos have already created the illusion of pop stars and rap artists in orbit, so it only seems right that space tourism kick in to give us the authentic experience.

Hey, and the tickets are only $200,000 a pop — cheaper than a newborn’s rocking horse.

But what might that authentic experience consist of? I’m sure everyone has visions of Jay-Z rapping cool and collected as he floats around the SpaceShipTwo cabin while Beyoncé sparkles at his side, singing and looking like a million bucks. But two more probable alternatives come to mind:

Possibility one: Instead of spitting rhymes, Jay-Z vomits up his foie gras terrine with pickled grapes due to a case of space adaptation syndrome, which even medicated astronauts experience to varying degrees. And will Beyoncé feel up to singing with a migraine? Luckily, red wine seems to help, but let’s not kid ourselves about the realities of terrestrial digestion systems in even a plush extraterrestrial environment.

Possibility two: If we’re to go by what astronauts and Virgin Galactic personnel have to say about suborbital flight, Jay-Z and Beyoncé may find themselves too distracted by the transcendent experience playing out all around them. For starters, who in their right mind spends their brief venture into space staring into a digital camera? Look out the window! And second, how might a taste of the so-called overview effect change their understanding of the universe and humanity’s place amid the stars? Might a cosmically reborn Jay-Z and Beyoncé return to Earth? How might they express it in their music?

Naturally, I’m hoping for option two. I’d also be game if Jay took Kanye instead.

We’ll see what comes together on this, but let’s face it: If they actually do shoot a “real” space music video in space, there’s no way they’ll beat the “fake” space video for Billy Ocean’s “Lover Boy.”

Just FYI, the military uses low orbit trainers for potential astronauts and others. They are called Vomit Comets. So I’m sure that will go just skippy for the new parents. Also, there’s no way in hell I’m linking to a Billy Ocean video so quit asking.

Can I go now?

[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/22941477 w=400&h=225]

Gaze into Space from Simon Bolz on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

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