First off, before we begin today, allow me to congratulate Beyonce for becoming the first female celebrity to have an insect’s derriere dedicated in her honor. Australia’s Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization has named a new species of fly, that happens to have a magnificent posterior (by fly standards, anyway) the Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae or the Beyonce bug. It is also being called Bootylicious, which I absolutely love. Can you imagine being in a collegiate class, trying to get your degree in entomology and honestly hearing “Well, class, today we’re dig our groovy funk and slide up on some Bootylicious flies.” Can you honestly explain to your parents where their money is going after that? Anyway, the fly got its name from its big gold butt. Having never been near enough to Beyonce to see if her butt is not only big but gold, I can comment no further. But since these are scientists I’m sure they did their research first.
Okay, on to something resembling a point. There are jobs that no human should have. There shouldn’t even be a reason for them to exist. Yet, they do and they employ those whose service we must admire. Oh, and avoid at all costs.
For example, your job is to find handguns stuck in anuses.
Deputies told NBC station WITN of Washington, N.C., that Ward was searched and then strip-searched before he was put into a holding cell. Jailers also made Ward perform what they call a “squat and cough” procedure.
Only later did they find the gun — a .38-caliber revolver, with a 4½-inch barrel. While it wasn’t loaded, it worked just fine when officers loaded a bullet and test-fired it.
Authorities said Michael Ward is wanted on suspicion of murder in Georgia.
According to a Highway Patrol incident report, state troopers stopped Ward on Monday morning after he passed them going more than 90 mph, authorities said. Ward and a woman claiming to be his wife rolled up their windows and locked their doors when troopers approached.
After troopers forced the door open, Ward resisted and had to be subdued with a Taser, they said. Authorities say Ward told them he was unable to get out of the car because he was disabled and couldn’t walk.
Ward was first taken to a hospital because he was complaining of heart problems. Officers didn’t find the gun. Nor did they find it when he was put in his jail cell.
Eventually, jailers discovered the gun in his cell.
Both Ward and the woman claiming to be his wife gave false names, authorities said. Once he was identified, they learned that he is wanted on suspicion of first-degree murder and armed robbery in Canton, Ga., north of Atlanta.
NBC station WNCN of Raleigh reported that Ward was being taken back to the hospital Friday for examination of “possible injuries that may have occurred” to his rectum.
In the meantime, he’s charged in North Carolina with a half-dozen counts, including speeding, DWI, reckless driving and resisting arrest, the Highway Patrol said.
Gosh, and to think, I thought that “squat and cough” was a children’s game. Boy is my face red now.
Okay, for a moment, think about this. I flinch at my prostrate exam. How did this guy load a whole gun up his butt?
Wait. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
Okay, another job no one went to school for; cow brain confiscator
Officials at Cairo’s international airport confiscated 420 pounds of frozen cow brains Friday from three Sudanese travelers who planned to sell them to Egyptian restaurants, authorities said.
An airport official said it was the fourth time this week that customs officers there had foiled an attempt to smuggle cow brains into the country, reflecting the growth of a moneymaking scheme made possible by some realities of international supply and demand: Cow brains are cheap in Sudan, and Egyptians like to eat them.
A pound of raw cow brains bought in Sudan for less than a dollar can be resold in Egypt for six times as much, airport officials said. That means Friday’s haul could have earned the men more than $1,500.
Restaurants specializing in liver and brains are popular in Egypt. Both items are deep fried and often eaten in pita bread with spicy red sauce.
Airport officials discovered the brains Friday while inspecting large freezer boxes brought in by three travelers on a flight from Sudan’s capital, Khartoum. After inspecting the boxes, the officials confiscated the brains since they couldn’t ensure they had been preserved in a sanitary manner.
The brains would be burned, the officials said, speaking on condition of anonymity under airport rules.
Yes, I know, cow brains are wildly popular in many countries. There are numerous Latin restaurants that sell them. I have even eaten them. Still, eating bootlegged brains sounds … well, it sounds like a really good name for a band.
Then there are some jobs that seem to be pretty cool and low key. I would normally include weatherman in that category. However, it seems I was wrong. John Bolaris of FOX 29 in Philly lost his job after it came out that he’s lost over $40,000 gambling and hanging out with Russian hookers.
Philadelphia weatherman John Bolaris lost $43,712.25, his job and, arguably, his dignity from one fateful trip to Miami Beach.
Following a real-life version of Warner Bros.’ “The Hangover” films, Bolaris shopped his story — at least what he could remember of it — to several outlets including Playboy, which published a salacious tell-all detailing how the weatherman was drugged by the Russian mob while on vacation. Bolaris was suspended by his employer, Fox 29, for allegedly leaking the story to the Philadelphia Daily News. In late December, he was officially let go.
According to the Playboy article (via Gawker), the situation occurred in March 2010 during the course of two days. On the first night, two beautiful European women at a sushi bar approached Bolaris. “I’m a guy,” he is quoted as saying. “There was the thought that I might get laid. … I was used to girls in Philly coming on to me aggressively once they found out I was John Bolaris, the TV weatherman.”
After taking shots with the women, Bolaris claimed to have “lost all concept of time” before waking up alone as the proud owner of a painting of “a woman’s head … not the head of a woman I’d be attracted to.”
Receiving a call from his new friends, who informed him that he had purchased the painting at an auction, Bolaris agreed to join them for another night of partying.
The next morning, Bolaris woke up alone with no memory of the previous night and the painting nowhere to be found. He returned to Philadelphia, only to discover he had purchased “bottles of champagne every 15 minutes or so,” including a $2,500 bottle of Cristal Vintage and a $3,120 bottle of Dom Perignon. Additionally, he had used his American Express card to buy a $2,000 tin of caviar. The painting? $2,500 plus a $500 tip. The grand total came to $43,712.25, with AmEx refusing to reverse the charges.
Eventually, the FBI opened an investigation and indicted 17 members of the Russian mob, who are accused of scamming at least 88 men in South Beach. AmEx settled Bolaris’ tab and paid him a reported $100,000 in damages.
A spokeswoman for the news station told Philly.com that the parting was “mutually agreed upon” once Bolaris’ tale hit the mainstream media.
Things I learned in this story; (1) Fox does not consider itself “mainstream media;” (2) “I was used to girls in Philly coming on to me aggressively once they found out I was John Bolaris, the TV weatherman” is making me rethink many life choices and (3) keep in mind that he did this over several nights and got a $100,000 grand for his efforts.
But that’s how the world treats people with real penises. How does it treat those among us who wear fake ones? Not nearly as well.
A northeastern Pennsylvania woman says she was fired from her job at a frozen-snack factory for wearing a prosthetic penis to work while contemplating gender reassignment. She is now suing.
Pauline Davis, 45, filed a federal civil rights lawsuit Wednesday against J&J Snack Foods Corp., a maker of frozen sweets and other snacks, over her termination from the company’s plant in Moosic, near Scranton.
Davis says she wore the prosthetic to work as a line inspector, confiding in several co-workers about the device, and someone told management, according to the complaint, which was first reported in the Philadelphia Daily News.
According to the suit, Davis was fired even though the device didn’t interfere with her work.
Davis’ suit claims a male employee undergoing hormone treatments and female clothing was treated more favorably.
Further, the Daily News reported, her Bucks County-based attorney, Lalena J. Turchi, argued that Davis’ fake penis was concealed and “in no way interfered with her ability to do her job.”
Davis filed a complaint in March 2010 with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission office in Philadelphia, the paper reported, claiming gender and gender-identity discrimination.
She is seeking back pay, damages for suffering and humiliation, and punitive damages, according to this week’s lawsuit.
The Daily News said it tried unsuccessfully to reach Davis. In addition, her attorneys did not return telephone calls or emails for comment.
According to the paper, J&J Snack Foods Corp., based in Pennsauken, Pa., manufactures, markets and distributes treats including soft pretzels, slushies, frozen pops, cookies and churros.
Yes, it’s just a coincidence that both penis stories are from Pennsylvania and that Scranton sounds uncomfortably like scrotum. Really. I promise.
But there’s one job that millions of kids want and millions of people cherish that may not exactly be worth the time. In this case I’m talking about cops. The people here at World News Center stretch my definition of weird as it is, imagine having to deal with people who threaten to eat you.
A north-central Indiana man accused of auto theft also faces charges alleging that he threatened to eat his arresting officers, their entire families and their police dogs.
The Journal & Courier reports 39-year-old Paul M. Brock of Frankfort was charged Wednesday with auto theft, resisting law enforcement, intimidation and operating a vehicle while intoxicated.
He remained jailed Thursday on a $25,000 bond at the Tippecanoe County Jail.
Lafayette police arrested Brock last Friday using police dogs to subdue him after he allegedly stole a car from a gasoline station.
A short time later Brock allegedly told officers at a hospital that he would hunt them down and eat them, their families and their dogs.
Police said Brock had a blood-alcohol content more than three times Indiana’s legal limit.
I once told a young lady that I wanted to eat her and she smiled. In fact she …. well, never mind, this is a family oriented blog. Granted, it’s more like the Manson Family, but it’s still family.
Thank God our editor’s passed out from his bourbon overload by the time I post this stuff. I’d never get away with it otherwise.
Oh well, here’s a video that features a job you may never have heard of; milk man on a music video shoot.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!