Yea though I walk through the valley of stupid, I shall fear no moron, for truth and logic are my shepherds and they shall keep me safe from harm.
Or so I hope.
Man, there is just a pile of dumb out there today. And, just for the sake of my favorite hobgoblin, consistency, we’ll start in Florida.
Well, where else would someone bludgeon someone else with a hammer because Judge Judy was on TV?
Janet Ann Knowles apparently doesn’t like Judge Judy.
The 62-year-old Jupiter woman was arrested Sunday on aggravated battery charges after she hit a 65-year-old man on the head with a hammer after she got “upset with Judge Judy,” according to a police report obtained by the Palm Beach Post.
According to the report, the man was sitting on his recliner watching the judge’s show when Knowles lost her cool and attacked him with the hammer.
When officers responded to the home, they found the unnamed victim holding bloody paper towels to his head, where he’d sustained a large cut, the report said.
Knowles told the officers she was upset “Judge Judy” was on the TV and became “mad” and hit the man with the hammer, the report said.
The report said Knowles had trouble holding a conversation and started talking about a neighbor and what the neighbor was wearing.
Knowles was arrested and booked into the Palm Beach County jail, where she remains held without bond. It was unknown whether she has an attorney.
The victim, whose relationship to Knowles was unknown, was treated for his injuries at the scene.
Don’t worry America, she still retains her right to vote.
I know you were worried. Just like the man in Cleveland, Ohio who stole a pair of pantyhose off a girl, who was wearing them at the time, so he could fix his exhaust system.
I missed that episode of Myth Busters.
Of course nothing says big time family fun than growing a bunch of marijuana and not going to jail because you used the, time honored, “I got the seeds from a stranger in a pointy hat” defense.
That defense actually works in Pennsylvania for those of you planning summer vacations.
Let us not forget the nice Des Moines, Iowa future Mensa member who stole a stuffed monkey from a convenience store and used it to attack an armed cop. That went about as well as you’d imagine it would. He’s in jail and the cop wasn’t injured.
Of course, I can’t ignore Rev. Steve Bentley, who’s the pastor of one of those pop music churches that … well does something. Anyway, in an attempt to be cool and hip and down with those kids today, he’s opened a tattoo parlor in the church.
No, I couldn’t make that stuff up is I tried.
The church owns 30,000 square feet inside the Flint-area shopping center.
Bentley said about 1,000 people call The Bridge their home church, and up to 500 in total attend his three weekend services.
The pastor makes an effort to talk to all who visit Serenity Tattoo, he said, although not all end up checking out the church.
30,000 square feet? There are airplane hangers smaller than that.
Anyway, moving on, your day would be woefully incomplete if I didn’t share the fun story of the teacher who killed her, possibly imaginary, daughter so she could go to the Caribbean.
A New York City school employee forged a daughter’s death certificate to get extra vacation time in Costa Rica and has since been fired, according to a report by the school system.
Joan Bennett, 58, a parent coordinator at the High School of Hospitality and Management, submitted an altered death certificate to get approved leave time in March and April 2010, according to the report by the Commissioner of Investigation. She lost her job that June after the forgery came to light.
It was first reported Tuesday in the Daily News of New York.
According to the report, someone who said she was Barnett’s daughter called the school on March 19, 2010, and said her sister in Costa Rica was very sick.
Later that day, the report said, another supposed daughter of Barnett’s called and said her sister had suffered a heart attack and died. She said relatives were gathering in Costa Rica.
Barnett faxed the school a death certificate April 8, the report said.
School officials were suspicious because it had different, misaligned fonts. A Costa Rican government official later confirmed the document was a fake, noting that the death certificate had been issued in 2005.
In addition to losing her job, Barnett pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor forgery charge last fall and was sentenced to 10 days’ community service. Her attorney did not return a call seeking comment Tuesday.
Neither the criminal complaint against Barnett nor the special commissioner’s report addresses the question of whether the daughter who purportedly died ever existed.
Laurel Wright-Hinckson, a spokeswoman for the special commissioner’s office, said that Barnett refused to speak to investigators, who were “unable to ascertain if in fact she had said daughter and if she did, if this daughter did pass away.”
Is it just me or shouldn’t someone actually check to see if there was a kid and, if so, that it’s okay? Clearly mom’s a whack job so that should, at least, get a memo sent to someone.
But one daughter who is far too real is the young Ms. Sydney Spies of Durango, Colorado.
A high school senior’s racy picture is causing controversy after the yearbook staff refused to publish it, calling the picture inappropriate.
The photo shows 18-year-old Sydney Spies in a short skirt and revealing top. She had it taken by a professional photographer in her hometown of Durango, Colorado, and submitted it to the yearbook with her mother’s approval.
“She tells me that she has grown tired of seeing all the boring pictures submitted, and she wanted to do something different,” said Sydney’s mother, Miki Spies.
Seniors at Durango High School can submit their own photos to the yearbook. They often choose pictures that reflect their interests, like sports or music.
A committee of five students determines whether the photos are acceptable. They rejected Spies’ photo, calling it inappropriate. A second photo, showing her in a short dress against a brick wall, was also rejected.
“There’s something wrong when people can’t express themselves in their own yearbook,” Miki Spies said.
The Durango School District says it wasn’t part of the process, but it supports the decision of the yearbook committee.
According to spokeswoman Marty Kay Hutton, “The student editors of Durango High School’s yearbook informed a senior student in December that her photo in question would not be included as a senior portrait in the yearbook and asked her to submit a replacement. Durango School District administration supports this decision.”
Miki Spies says her daughter should be able to express herself, just like any other student.
“There are no standards that are required for yearbook photos. She’s into the arts outside of school,” Miki Spies said.
The photos have outraged many as the story has spread. On a Facebook page set up by the family, some of the comments are extremely negative:
“Too sexy for a young woman. Think of how you will be remembered for the rest of your life, in the eyes of your classmates.”
“You are gross and your parents are losers like you are.”
Miki Spies says that she is surprised by the comments but that they have strengthened her resolve to fight for her daughter. She’s not sure what they will do next but says she has contacted the ACLU for help.
“I’m a fighter for the underdog, and I hate the abuse of authority,” she said. “I’m surprised more Americans aren’t on the side of freedom of expression anymore.”
It’s a yearbook photo. It’s like a mug shot but you’re sober. Usually. If you are in the revival of Some Like It Hot and they snap a still of your incredible hotness, then so be it. If you want to have a scrapbook of your career arc that leads to your headlining at The Admiral, that’s fine, but don’t make the school suffer through it.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!