Mad Pimpin at Motel Hell

The little ones make the best spinners.
First off some big news for fans of The World News Center. Due to the popularity of our weekly radio show on WBIG – hosted by Ryan Gatenby, a god among men – we’ve been moved to Friday mornings at 9:10 AM. That’s going to mean longer shows, more fun and better podcasts for you to peruse. It will also be the perfect way for lonely men to pick up chicks.

You don’t believe me? Here, I’ll prove it.

“I’m a insanely rich runway model with a perfect body. You are wearing a pocket protector and there’s a stain on your pants that frightens me.”

“I listen to the Big Wake Up Call on WBIG with Bill McCormick and Ryan Gatenby.”

“Oh, take me you stud muffin! If you collect the podcasts I can get my super hot girlfriend to join us!”

See? Works every time. Just make sure to collect the podcasts.

Now, back to me.

Last Wednesday I was asked to take part in a human sacrifice. Since that’s not the kind of thing that comes up regularly, not even here at Nude Hippo (despite what that silly lawsuit claimed), I decided I had to go. Carlos Jiménez Flores, the director of Motel Hell 2012, picked me up precisely at 9 AM and we headed down to the super secret location.

Well, you can’t advertise where you’re holding a human sacrifice. Some people have issues with that kind of stuff.

When we arrived I was led through the labyrinth to a small room that housed coffee, snacks and healthy juices. As everyone who knows me would expect, I immediately had a cup of coffee. Shortly thereafter my buddy, Happy Dave, walked in. We hadn’t seen each other in 25 years and it was like we’d never been apart. We chatted about old times, cops we freaked out with blood soaked dolls and how he was going to sew his nipples together.

Oh, did I mention that Happy Dave, when not being a professional clown, is a human pin cushion? I probably should have. I should also note that his clown act is strictly for adults. In fact, do yourself a favor and just write yourself a brief memo; “Friend of Bill’s = probably not safe for church.”

That’ll save us all problems in the future.

Okay, so Happy Dave and I were chatting, and scaring the crap out of the newcomers, as Carlos went about setting up the human sacrifice. The soon-to-be-victim, a nice young man named Hipolito Torón Lopez, was chained to a bed wearing nothing but his underwear with smoking hot girls in leather miniskirts watching his every move.

Looking at the restraints and the leather-clad lasses brought back fond memories of my youth.

Give me a minute here. I need to wipe the smile off my face.

Hipolito, for his part, seemed happily anxious. Leather miniskirts have that effect on men.

He was also making plans for a job interview the next morning since the whole “human sacrifice” aspect of his day had been left off of the paperwork he’d been given. Well, no one wanted to spoil the surprise.

The day wore on, Satanic rituals were performed, pictures for posterity were snapped, the blood orgy was held, dinner from The Original Hog Wild was served (the pork chops are a gift from God) and Hipolito was given the final prep for his date with destiny.

I won’t give away the finer points of the plot but, I feel safe sharing this, when his heart was ripped from his body there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was a wonderful moment. The heartwarming chants of YOHISHIMA were bracketed by the joyful plaudits for the Prince of Darkness.

It was a true bonding moment for all of us.

Then, as Hipolito’s mutilated ghost staggered through the halls, we all went back and had some more pork chops. Did I mention that those pork chops are the bomb?

Anyway, since Motel Hell 2012 has had the misfortune of casting me as an extra I will be able to keep you up to date as the film nears completion. They still have another week, or more, of shooting to do before they even get a whiff of the editing room.

But, be that as it may, I have to admit that my first human sacrifice was a great experience and I met some really nice Satanists. As soon as they get a release date I’ll let you know. I know you don’t want to miss sharing a wonderful moment like that. Heck, you’ll probably want to bring the kids.

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Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280,
every Friday morning around 9:10!

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