Booze News You Can Use

First, a confession. I have been known to tipple the occasional frosty cold adult libation. Not to dwell on the thought but I have ranked my local watering holes. I was able to do this by sampling their wares on several occasions. I like to be thorough about these things. Fortunately for you I put the same kind of dedication and research into my efforts here. Sometimes I get to combine my efforts. Some of the best stories up here have been researched while I was researching beer. I bring this up so that you understand that I am fond of beer. It does not give me pleasure to make beer look bad. I would much rather write about guys like Benjamin Tucker who was wanted for terrorism and silly stuff like that so he, in a moment of inspiration, stole a car in front of the cops who’d come to arrest him and ended up landing on the roof of a nearby home. See? No beer involved.

Or maybe I could write about Real Housewife Kandi Burress who has just launched her own line of sex toys. I’m betting she’s not voting for Rick Santorum since he wants to outlaw anything that promotes self pleasure. Which I find odd since he’s clearly the one person who could use some.

Another confession, one of Kandi’s products is a variation of the OhMiBod musical vibrator line. My friend Marcie did their first commercial. She also, for whatever it’s worth, heartily endorses the product and will not be voting for Santorum either. Nevertheless, as you can see, no beer was harmed in the telling of this tale.

Sadly, that will not be the case from now on.

A woman in Winnipeg was shot in the eye but refused medical treatment until she had finished her beer. I can kind of understand her position since she was drinking he King of Beers at the time and you never know if that one will be your last when bullets are whizzing through your head.

Police in New Hampshire reported arresting a man who was so blind drunk he didn’t know he was missing a tire on his car. That would be the car he was driving. Very slowly. Of course he was driving slowly because he was trying to roll a joint and we all know how hard that can be when you’re drunk.

Let us not forget the whimsical story of Illinois’ very own Casey Crane who thought the best place to burn off a drunk was parked in the police parking lot … with the motor running. I should note that Casey lives in a small town called Caseyville. Unless he owns it, and he doesn’t, I can see why he’d be a heavy drinker.

Another person who abused her beer privileges is Carmen Tisch who got hammered at an art gallery and then rubbed her naked butt on a $30 million dollar painting. She also tried to pee on it but missed. No more beer for her.

Back to Illinois where police in Joliet arrested a man for …. you’re not going to believe this … gouging out his uncle’s eyes because he wanted the TV remote. His uncle lost one eye completely and needs major surgery on the other. I’m not sure how much beer is required to make that seem like a logical course of action but I hope never to find out.

Of course not all stories like this involve beer. Some involve drugs too. A judge in Florida knew the guy was stoned when he offered Dolphins tickets as a bribe.

A Florida judge mocked a man who allegedly tried to bribe a law enforcement officer with tickets to see the Miami Dolphins’ season finale, the Palm Beach Post reported.

“Have you been watching the Dolphins? No one’s going to go to that game,” Palm Beach County Judge Timothy P. McCarthy told Eric Scott Topalian during his bond hearing Sunday morning.

And I would be remiss if I neglected to mention the stunning example of the pinnacle of evolution in Bismark, North Dakota.

A Bismarck man who was arrested after driving while huffing in August was arrested twice for huffing in the same day.

Bismarck police officers found Darrell Parisien, 30, twice in his car in the same parking lot in north Bismarck on Saturday.

Sgt. Mark Buschena said an officer searching the Gateway Fashion Mall, 2700 State St., parking lot noticed a white car in the northwest parking lot at 12:41 p.m. Saturday. The officer went up to the car and saw Parisien put an aerosol can up to his mouth. Parisien tried to hide the canister when the officer tried to get his attention, but got out of the car after the officer asked him three times.

C’mon dude, third time’s the charm.

Okay, there something called a “fashion mall” in North Dakota? Since when are hip waders a fashion?

But not all stories that involve drugs have sad or stupid endings. In fact this next one may even make you smile. I am, of course, talking about the Zombie Cat from Utah!!!!!

Two trips to a Utah animal shelter’s gas chambers couldn’t stop this stray cat’s will to live.

The Associated Press reports West Valley City shelter workers tried to put Andrea down in October after no one adopted her, but the black-and-white longhaired cat lived through the carbon monoxide gassing.

Andrea appeared to be dead during their second attempt, so the workers put her in a plastic bag in a cooler only to later discover that she had vomited and was still breathing.

Shelter officials told the AP they didn’t want to put Andrea through the ordeal again, so they put her back up for adoption and decided to switch from gas chamber to lethal injection euthanasia in the future.

She joins the Zombie Dog from Vermont who also, recently, survived the gas chamber.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdRaf3-OEh4&w=560&h=315]

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