We End as We Began

Meet the new year, same as the old year
We rocked into 2011 surrounded by idiots and Floridians. We leave 2011 in the dust with much the same crowd. In fact I can’t remember a year where there has been so much bad science. Oh, sure, you’d get the occasional “this bracelet cures arthritis” or something like that. But recent years have given way to pseudo-science and outright fraud at an alarming rate. From the anti-immunization insanity – thanks for helping people catch previously wiped out diseases you morons – to the flat out fraud of anti-evolution crowd, people seem more willing than ever to put even the most obvious evidence to the curb so they can snuggle up with fallacies. Alan Boyle, a science editor at MSNBC, tries to have some fun with it – and succeeds for the most part – but it is a depressing year in review for him. How do you stop people from believing that the Mayan 2012 predictions are true when “scientists” (usually unnamed or unaccredited) say it’s true? Anyway, if you click his link he’s got a list of 30 “scientific” stories for your enjoyment.

I’m going to hop off my hobbyhorse and get back to finding stuff that makes people laugh or wince. Sometimes, on the really good stuff, both.

In Miami, of course it’s Miami, the prison system is plagued by strippers posing as paralegals.

The Miami Federal Detention Center is reportedly plagued by women posing as paralegals who instead strip for incarcerated drug lords, according to several people interviewed by the Miami New-Times.

The Riptide blog of the New-Times reports that lawyers representing drug lords help the strippers gain access to the prison by having them pose as “legal assistants.”

From the report:

Among the offenses allegedly committed by so-called paralegals: smuggling in a Playboy, feeding alcohol to an inmate by slipping a straw through a grate, and sneaking in $3,000 inside a purse.

“They take off their tops and let the guys touch them,” said defense attorney Hugo Rodriguez. “The majority of these young, very attractive women are noncitizens brought in exclusively for the purposes of visiting the FDC. Any lawyer can sign a form and designate a legal assistant. There is no way of verifying it. The process is being abused.”

“If you want some good people-watching, try the FDC,” said attorney Marc Seitles. “It certainly beats paying a cover and waiting on lines to get into [Miami night club] LIV.”

Before you ask, all you need is a note from a lawyer saying your a legal assistant and you qualify. Funny side note, real female lawyers are required to wear bras with no metal parts when they enter a prison. The strippers cum paralegals have no such restrictions.

Don’t ask me, it’s Florida and that’s how they roll.

In other topless news, courts in Montreal have forced waitresses to wear tops and are bankrupting their business.

It’s the end of an era for a topless landmark in the Montreal borough of Hochelaga-Maisonneuve.

Waitresses at Restaurant Les Princesses d’Hochelaga have been serving eggs and pancakes to patrons nude from the waist up for 11 years.

The restaurant doesn’t have a permit to exhibit eroticism and can’t obtain one because of where it is located, near the Olympic Stadium.

After a series of legal battles with the City of Montreal over the past seven years, the restaurant owner has agreed to have the servers cover up.

Kim Menard, who has worked at the restaurant for two years, said the waitresses now wear jackets or minidresses.

“The business was much better before because you had a lot of people from United States [and] Ontario [who saw] on the internet we had nude girls,” she said, noting that the tourist business has dropped off.

She said she’s lost about half her tips since the restaurant made the change a few months ago.

Court ruling

According to the 2010 Quebec Superior Court ruling, the original offence that launched the court battle happened in October 2005, when an inspector found the restaurant offered table service, “by topless waitresses that had a small, transparent scarf around the waist leaving their genitals in full view.”

Televisions in the restaurant were also showing pornographic films.

The restaurant’s owners argued that the main purpose of the business was a restaurant and the erotic element was secondary, so they should be permitted to operate outside the city’s prescribed zone.

They also argued they should be grandfathered based on the previous restaurant that operated in the space.

After an acquittal by a municipal court judge, Superior Court found the restaurant was breaking the bylaw by allowing its staff to serve topless. It also ruled there was no evidence to show the previous restaurant permitted topless serving staff.

There are several similar restaurants on the island of Montreal that may also be illegal, according to city zoning laws.

Liquor licence reinstated

The restaurant lost its liquor licence in 2008 and only recently regained it.

Borough of Hochelaga-Maisonneuve Mayor Réal Ménard declined to comment. A city spokesperson said no one was available for comment on Wednesday.

You know what else is near Olympic Stadium in Montreal? Freaking nothing. It may as well be the moon. The only people who go there are tourists. Specifically American tourists on their way to Montreal’s finest strip clubs. There is no other reason to be anywhere near that section of the city.

That judge is an idiot.

Oh, and the food really is pretty good.

Let’s head back to Florida to meet a woman who gives idiots a bad name. Naples police took several hours to stop laughing after this arrest.

A San Carlos Park woman is facing a DUI charge after authorities say she pulled up next to the Lee County sheriff’s deputies who were in the process of arresting an acquaintance of hers.

Deputies say they were responding to a vehicle burglary in progress around 4 a.m. Sunday, in which the suspect got into an altercation with the vehicle owner, according to an arrest report. They were interviewing witnesses when a woman pulled up in a red Chevy Blazer.

Deputies approached the vehicle and spoke with Courtney Sha Greene, 21, of the 9100 block of Aster Road. She inquired about the person they apprehended. She asked for him by name. When they responded it was in fact the person she was asking about, deputies say she did not seem surprised by their response.

Deputies noticed a strong odor of alcohol emanating from Greene’s mouth, reports said. Her speech was slurred and her eyes bloodshot. It took her about two minutes to remove her ID from her purse, reports said.

Greene failed field sobriety tests and almost fell during one of them.

Yes kids, stopping the cops in the middle of an arrest while you’re drunk isn’t really as good an idea as it may have sounded. I just thought you should know.

Anyway Naples is rapidly becoming the party capitol of the world for idiots. 39 year old Dennis Greig was arrested for beating his step son.

He beat his step son because the boy was eating peanut butter.

No, I am not making this up.

A dispute over a tasty treat led to the arrest of a Golden Gate man who is accused of attacking his step-son.

Collier County deputies say an altercation began when 39-year-old Dennis Greig told his stepson he couldn’t eat a peanut butter ball.

Greig, who resides at the 4200 block of 22nd Avenue Southwest, was arrested Monday at home.

According to a sheriff’s office report, when Greig’s 16-year-old stepson went down stairs for a snack he was told that he was not allowed to because his mother wasn’t home and Greig told him he was king of the house.

Greig’s stepson told deputies that he ignored his step-father’s comment and grabbed a peanut butter ball from the refrigerator anyway and headed upstairs to his room.

But Greig followed him up to his room, grabbed him and then pushed him on to his bed, according to reports.

Greig’s stepson told deputies he tried to defend himself but was then thrown into a wall, causing him to have bruising and swelling to his forehead.

Deputies said Greig was intoxicated during the incident.

Greig faces a charge of domestic violence.

I’m sure he was a wonderful catch for that kid’s mom. And I’m sure that kid will be living in a different state in two years or less.

But not all the idiots in Florida are in Naples. No sirreee doggie, some of them live in Tampa. Police there arrested a man who came up with a unique way to keep his girlfriend out of his home.

He burned it to the ground.

He stood outside, covered in soot, watching the MacDill Avenue home burn on Dec. 14, according to police.

On Tuesday, Kent Perusse posed for his booking photo at the Hillsborough County Jail.

Tampa police said Perusse, 48, told officers at the fire that “I did it.” He explained he didn’t want a woman he was involved with to move into 5703 S MacDill Ave. so he set it on fire. Investigators found the single-story, wood frame house had been doused with an accelerant.

He also told officers his dog, a female pit bull, was still inside the burning house. It died.

Perusse was taken to Tampa General Hospital, where he remained for two weeks being treated for smoke inhalation and third-degree burns to his calves.

He was charged with first-degree arson and animal cruelty. The self-employed lawn service owner, according to jail records, was being held on $55,000 bail.

The house, which was Perusse was renting, was a total loss estimated at $72,804 in damages.

Now, me? I’d just break up with her. But, I don’t live in Florida so I can’t think like him.

If “think” could be considered a valid term. I’m not entirely convinced it is.

Of course, no matter how bad things look, there’s always someone who’s got it worse. But I’m going to be hard pressed to top this guy. He’s being sued for not caring for his body parts after he was killed.

Dead men tell no tales — but they can be sued.

A state appeals court ruled that a dead man can be held responsible for the injuries his body parts caused after he was struck by a train.

The Chicago Tribune reports that the court found it was “reasonably foreseeable” that the Amtrak train would kill 18-year-old Hiroyuki Joho, sending his body parts flying.

In 2008, Joho was killed while running to catch a train in the pouring rain, the Tribune reports. His estate is being sued by Gayane Zokhrabov, whose leg and wrist were broken after the collision.

Zokhrabov’s lawyer, Leslie Rosen, argued that the case should be treated like a regular negligence case, “no different than if a train passenger had been injured after the engineer hit the brakes,” according to the Tribune.

Gawker writes that the ruling should serve as a warning to people who are killed in train crashes.

“If you die in a horrific train accident, be sure to aim your severed body away from any bystanders,” writes Adrian Chen.

Complex blogger Tanya Ghahremani writes that the court’s ruling offers proof that “not even death can prevent the system from biting you in the ass.”

Joho isn’t the only dead person to be sued for causing injury. In 2010 the New York Post reported that a cop involved in the fatal shooting of Sean Bell filed a lawsuit against his estate claiming that Bell injured him with his car.

Let’s start with the NY lawsuit first. The cop that’s suing in the one who killed the guy and caused him to lose control of is car. I have no idea how that’s still in court, but it is.

Now, as to the unfortunate Mr. Joho, I’m not sure why they wouldn’t sue AMTRACK instead. After all, they’re still here and Mr. Joho’s body parts wouldn’t have been anywhere other than attached to his person had the train not splattered him all over the parking lot.

I’ll grant that Mr. Joho showed a serious lapse of judgement since trains a very big things that kill people all the time and shouldn’t be messed with. But, still, isn’t dying enough of a punishment for his mistake?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHkirYZd1Aw&w=500&h=319]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, Friday morning around 9:10 for his version of a New Year’s special!

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