Lots of things seem like good ideas at the time. I’m sure 20% of marriages could be chalked up to “Why not Smootchie-Poo? There’s a chapel in Vegas.” The same reason hospitals now post signs in maternity wards reminding people that carnal relations, at this point of events, are a bad idea. Why? Because someone said “Hey honey, my water jes broke, wanna get one more time in afore they wheel me away?” I’ve already regaled readers with my own attempts at creative suicide when I tried to pretend I was Evel Knieval and when I tried to build my own mortar launcher. Yes, I was a kid and, yes, they seemed like great ideas at the time. And, yes, I’m living proof that God looks out for fools and for children. I think I got bonus points for being both.
So, I feel secure admitting that I can sympathize with these folks.
Let’s start, where all sad things start, in Florida where a nice lady scored a date with a younger man and they went to the movies, Because, as we all know, movie dates are a time honored success.
A Florida man who got up in the middle of his movie, telling his date he had to get something out of her car, wound up stealing the auto, aaccording to police.
Michael Pratt, 27, was at a cinema in Tampa with his 35-year-old date when he told the woman he needed to get something from the car, according to the St. Petersburg Times. She gave him her keys and that was the last she saw of him or her 2012 Ford Focus, which happened to be a rental.
When she called him, Pratt just laughed and said he had stolen her car, according to authorities.
Pratt, who has been arrested and now faces grand theft charges, ignored his victim’s calls for the next two days, prompting her to call police. Pratt finally did call her four days after the date to say he left the car in a Walmart parking lot in New Port Richey, authorities said. Deputies found it and arrested Pratt.
According to the Times, Pratt previously served more than a year in prison for the same charge, as well as fraud, uttering forged bills and failing to return rental property.
Wait, seriously? It took her two days to figure out that calling the cops might be a good idea? The addition of a Walmart to this story is just a bonus. And this guy, our winner of the week, this is his idea of a career? Please don’t let him procreate.
Another good idea is bra ads. I am a big fan. I have even been inspired to buy a few, for that special someone, at certain points in my life. You can’t screw up a bra ad. Well, that’s what I thought. The Dutch – yes, those wooden shoes, windmills, tulips and apartheid fans – have screwed this up for everyone.
A Dutch department store has hired a man to model its push-up bras.
Six-foot-two Andrej Pejic is shown in the ads for Hema’s Mega Push-Up Bra sporting an ample bosom under V-neck dresses. According to an observation he tweeted, the gig surprises even him.
“Did I ever think I had enough booty to advertise a push-up bra? No. but am I working it or what??,” the 20-year-old model tweeted.
“It’s revolutionary… I’ve never known a man to do a women’s lingerie campaign before,” his agent, Joseph Tenni, told Frockwriter.
Pejic, who was born in Yugoslavia but moved with his family to Australia when he was eight, is known for an androgynous look that allows him to model as a woman or a man. In a fashion (show) in Paris earlier this year, he walked the runway as a woman for Jean-Paul Gaultier and as a man for Marc Jacobs. He has not had a sex change, though.
Pejic told the British magazine Grazia he follows a punishing diet in order to keep his girlish figure.
“Let’s be honest,” he said. “You can’t eat much if you want to do this.”
No, no, no. There are some things that are sacred. Bra ads are two of them. Hopefully this maniac will be stopped before he does something very bad to thong ads.
Oh well, another good idea is a night out with the old gang playing a little roulette. Sure the odds are horrible but it’s fun and you can make small bets for several hours, so it’s a good way to enjoy the evening. Well, it was until some freakish whack-job decided to make roulette balls out of Michael Jackson’s hair.
No, I am not making this up.
A gambling website is betting that Michael Jackson’s hair will make a worthy roulette ball.
OnlinegamblingPal.com bought up a chunk of it for $10,871 and explained their transformative plans for the hair with a pun as shameful as their purchase. “Together, we can ensure Michael Jackson continues to rock and ‘ROLL’ forever,” a statement on the website said.
More creepy than the idea of a gambling site converting a dead man’s hair into game paraphernalia, is that the sellers collected the hair sample from the Carlyle Hotel in New York after the pop icon stayed there, Rolling Stone reported.
“The ball itself will be made to the highest professional standards, ensuring it will be eligible for use at any licensed casino’s roulette table,” OnlineGamblingPal’s statement said. “Indeed, considering Jackson dedicated his life to entertaining millions, the prospect of this very special ball captivating crowds at roulette tables seems like a fitting use for it.”
Michael would not have approved. Gamblers need to be 18 and older. They’re not his crowd.
Another good idea is strip clubs. Also helping children. And because Chicago is the greatest city on the planet, we have managed to put them together. Sandra Torres, the reporter – not the stripper, has the whole wonderful story.
A Chicago strip club is once again hosting its holiday toy drive with a naughty-and-nice twist.
For the second year in a row, the Admiral Theatre on Lawrence Avenue is offering a lap dance in exchange for an unused, unwrapped toy.
The “Lap Dances for the Needy” event goes until Saturday, Dec. 16.
Dances are limited to one per customer.
Last year, the club collected five carloads of toys and donated them to churches around the Albany Park neighborhood.
Does it bother you that I really do know a stripper who goes by the name Sandra Torres? I didn’t think so. You know me too well.
Anyway, this is a good idea surrounded by more good ideas. Which is exactly the kind of thing good ideas are supposed to be.
Make sure top make your reservations early for next year. And, just to be safe, get in for a couple of practice lap dances before you aim high for the holidays.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, Friday morning around 9:10
for his version of a New Year’s special!