Google’s Racist and Other Fun Holiday Stories

Google's idea of a sexy Christmas
I’m a middle aged white guy who’s had a lot on his mind recently so I hope you’ll forgive me taking a while to figure some stuff out. This week, in preparation for the BIG Holiday Special on WBIG today at 9:10 AM Central Time, I’ve been researching the heck out of the history of Christmas. Now, just so you know a little how the World News Center works, I rarely bother checking the images that the daily robots bring back along with the stories they find. They are simply too random to be useful. But once I find a few stories with a common theme I’ll Google that theme to see what I can find. That’s worked pretty well thus far. But, this week, things are different. I’ve turned off the robots to keep my email’s in-box from overflowing and have just relied on holiday related searches through Google. Some I did for pure fun, others for specific research but, yesterday, I started going through my searches looking for something specific in the images. I wanted to find people of color, any color would do, celebrating Christmas.

You see, I live in Chicago. A relatively cosmopolitan, polyglot, metropolis, if I dare say so and I wanted something that represented the world around me. If I walk out my front door and turn right there’s a nice Puerto Rican man whose yard has a fun Nativity scene. The fact that the three wise men happen to look exactly like Larry, Curly and Moe is, I’m sure, a coincidence. A couple of blocks north there lives a nice, African-American, couple who have decorated their home in a tasteful array of white lights surrounding a window display of a, more traditional, Nativity scene and a Kwanzaa shrine. It is quite beautiful. Were I to go south instead I would run into a nice Chinese family who came to America to practice their Christian beliefs openly. As you might guess they are supportive of the whole Christmas thing even if they are a little fuzzy on the details. After all they’ve only been able to base their beliefs on what’s in the Bible and not what’s on TV commercials, so there are gaps in their knowledge.

Which kind of explains the Santa wearing a crucifix on their front lawn.

Anyway, as I said, I was looking for images of people of color for one of my holiday postings. All searches are done with safe Search turned off. Just so you’re aware.

I searched for Merry Christmas. I got some soft core porn, a few religious items and lots and lots of white people.

I searched Seasons Greetings. I got the cast of Twilight – really? – the Mickey Mouse Club and lots of white people. Oh, and some cute cards.

I searched Happy Holidays. I got more cute cards, a menorah, fireworks, still more cute cards and lots and lots of white people.

So I upped the ante. I searched for Sexy Santa. Let’s be honest, even the most xenophobic racists among you have to admit that there are smoking hot women of color on this planet. Certainly one of them dressed up for Christmas. Right? Wrong. You get naked white guys, naked white women, naked white – well, some gender or another, and so on. You also get some pretty interesting costume ideas. What you do not get is an image of a person of color. Well, there is one Asian girl near the bottom but she’s awfully pale.

Okay, so I broadened the search. I went looking for Sexy Christmas images. I got two white women sucking on the same candy cane, a naked guy covering his junk with straw (barely) and so on. But, alas, the only person with skin darker than Wonder Bread is a silhouette for an i-Pod ad. And she’s clearly Caucasian.

So I took one last stab at it. I searched for Sexy Elf. While the back story behind elves is about as white as white can be, the fact is that I have been to a couple of Lord of the Rings parties and seen women of color dressed up, very sexily, as elves. Even if they weren’t Christmas specific, I figured I’d get something.

That’s what I figured. I was wrong.

Not even close. I’ve seen Klan rallies more diverse than that.

In fact, the only time I found any people of color relative to the holiday was when I searched for Chrismahanukwanzaka. That’s right, a cheesy ad for a cell phone plan is the most diverse holiday offering on Google. That is also the only search that did not return any porn, soft core or otherwise.

Even those Hanna-Barbera holiday puppet shows from the 60’s were more diverse than anything I found online.

Now that I’ve told you what I didn’t find, I guess I should share some things I did.

A woman in Danbury, Conn. has been arrested for sexually molesting a department store Santa.

Santa Claus says that a woman who sat on his lap was naughty, not nice. A Santa at the Danbury Fair mall said the woman groped him.

“The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted,” police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the complaint.

Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace in the weekend incident. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3.

Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles.

Of course, things could be worse for Santa. I do mean, MUCH, worse. A rotten little British brat has promised to kill Santa if she doesn’t get everything on her list.

“This Christmas, I don’t ask for much, so if I don’t get at least two of the things I want, I will literally kill you! Do you understand?! Oh, also, I’ll hunt down your reindeers, cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Christmas Day,” Mekeeda Austin, 13, wrote in her letter, the Daily Mail reported. “No one wants that, so here’s what I want.”

The girl lists a BlackBerry, money, a dress, high-top Converse shoes and the real Justin Bieber.

“Remember, two of these or you die,” she wrote, signing it, “Love from Keedy.”

Her mother found the letter and said she thought the letter was humorous, and she’ll try to get her daughter everything she wants.

“I know it sounds like she is spoiled but I like to get my daughter what she wants, also you don’t want to get on the wrong side of her,” Tracey Soares told the newspaper, although she admitted getting the Canadian pop singer might be difficult because Bieber “will be busy with (his) own (family) on Christmas Day.”

Austin told the reporter she didn’t see any problem with the letter.

“I want all of these things and I don’t see why I shouldn’t get them,” she said.

Item #1: the mother in this story is an idiot.

Item #2: I bet you’re singing the Veruca Salt classic right now too.

Item #3: see item #1.

Guess what, it could get even worse still. Police in Brazil are still investigating the possible, 2 year old, arson committed on one of the world’s largest Santas.

At 50 feet, this is probably the largest Santa you have ever seen. It’s a pity it got burnt down at the end. A lot of people traveled far to get a picture with it but it went up in flames covering the surrounding area in thick black smoke. This happened in Brazil on December 2, 2009 and it is assumed to be because of some mechanical error although some people speculate foul play. The pictures do make you feel sad about all the efforts going up in flames.

The giant display caught fire during its unveiling. The Santa was well made and placed in an open area surrounded by buildings. Santa getting burned down is probably something you don’t want your children to witness. Once the entire Santa got burned down, all that remained was the metal skeleton. Guess we should just be glad that nobody was hurt during the incident.

Speaking of a smoking Santa, a head shop in Greenville, PA. has a wonderful holiday hookah that features old St. Nick clearly inhaling.

Some people thinks it’s funny others are woefully offended.

That, pretty much, sums up the whole story.

Keep in mind that NORAD is, once again, offering it’s Santa tracker for free online. Keep in mind that, due to the international date line, Santa will actually leave the North Pole in less than 20 hours from mow.

Think of it is as a golden opportunity to prove to your kid that the world really is round.

It’s a start.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, this Friday morning around 9:10 for his version of a holiday special!

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